Discarded

[Cant breathe]

How did it end? I drove hours to his house, where we were supposed to stay the night before beginning a trip. He had been looking forward to the little cabin we rented, had even driven by it a few days earlier and sent photos saying how amazing the vacation would be.

Just as I was about to pull up, I got a text: "I'm sorry, she is staying. We are together." She, meaning the ex. Just two days earlier, he was complaining about having to see her to give her her mail. That text was all I received. Shocking in its cruelty. No compassion. I went from being his soulmate to trash that wasn't worth his time. There was no trigger, no fight. I was just no longer worth his time because he had her in his bed. He did this knowing I didn't even have a place to stay that night. The text was more about him keeping me away from his house so as not to disturb his "new" relationship. I made it to the cabin that night (I called the owners and they let me in early) and barely made it inside before I began ugly crying.

I am not in a good place. I keep saying that over and over these days. I cannot describe how this relationship has destroyed my well being.

I should have known, because this man has done this to me before -- Once going back to the same ex and letting me know (he went dark, I had to drag it out of him) while I was in the parking lot of the hospital where my mother was having heart surgery. That sent me to therapy, where my specialist said she suspected he had BPD. So, it's on me that I went back into this relationship.

There are many worst parts here. I'm on my knees in pain. But something that makes it particularly awful is that when we were teens, he was my first love. We both had troubled families and he was the very first person who ever made me feel safe. Ironic, no? The boy who made me feel safe became the man who would destroy me.

Thanks for reading. I just needed to tell my story.

[arjay]

I am not in a good place. I keep saying that over and over these days. I cannot describe how this relationship has destroyed my well being.

Yes I remember that emotional place.  Though I healed and moved on, I will always remember my personal "I can't breathe moment". For me it was being totally alone on Thanksgiving.  She had just left.  Family and friends all had other plans.  I think I ate a PBJ sandwich for dinner and spent most of the time in a "ball" on the floor.  Even my therapist was unavailable, and was well familiar with the entire story of my relationship/marriage.

These are very painful yet defining moments in our life.  As painful as it was, it made me stronger which sadly does not help you now.  Just know I completely understand your sense of being "emotionally destroyed".  Wished I could give you a big hug.  My words hopefully will help.

The stories and experiences of others were most helpful for me.  I actually came back after years to let others know, "it's not something that happened to only you".  We do know this emotional place you describe.  The good news is it really gets better from here, provided we never go back.  Each time we do, the emotional clock is "reset" and we go through this all over again.

Some things you can do:

• Go for a walk; to the beach; wherever. The simple act of walking can help us cope
• Try to be around supporters; people that won't judge; even just listen
• Schedule time with your "T" asap.
• Explore the board; stories; the process and what helps.  People here really do understand
• Don't give up on your own strength. We can handle more than we think.
• Realize you ended up with a person with a serious emotional disorder. What he has shown you, is how he will always be (without serious help and a serious commitment on his part).  The "new" person will experience the same behavior (or already has and is going through the same ups and downs).

[Scarredheart]

How did it end? I drove hours to his house, where we were supposed to stay the night before beginning a trip. He had been looking forward to the little cabin we rented, had even driven by it a few days earlier and sent photos saying how amazing the vacation would be.

Just as I was about to pull up, I got a text: "I'm sorry, she is staying. We are together." She, meaning the ex. Just two days earlier, he was complaining about having to see her to give her her mail. That text was all I received. Shocking in its cruelty. No compassion. I went from being his soulmate to trash that wasn't worth his time. There was no trigger, no fight. I was just no longer worth his time because he had her in his bed. He did this knowing I didn't even have a place to stay that night. The text was more about him keeping me away from his house so as not to disturb his "new" relationship. I made it to the cabin that night (I called the owners and they let me in early) and barely made it inside before I began ugly crying.

I am not in a good place. I keep saying that over and over these days. I cannot describe how this relationship has destroyed my well being.

I should have known, because this man has done this to me before -- Once going back to the same ex and letting me know (he went dark, I had to drag it out of him) while I was in the parking lot of the hospital where my mother was having heart surgery. That sent me to therapy, where my specialist said she suspected he had BPD. So, it's on me that I went back into this relationship.

There are many worst parts here. I'm on my knees in pain. But something that makes it particularly awful is that when we were teens, he was my first love. We both had troubled families and he was the very first person who ever made me feel safe. Ironic, no? The boy who made me feel safe became the man who would destroy me.

Thanks for reading. I just needed to tell my story.

My heart breaks for you just reading this. I've gone through some very similar situations in my two relationships (first an NPD and then the very next being a BPD). My wife at the time (The NPD) wanted to take our newborn daughter to meet her family overseas (she was from Australia) I of course said yes, suspecting nothing. The moment she landed she called to say she wasn't coming back and that we were done.

That instant of betrayal when you never saw it coming is like a gut punch in the dark. Nothing can help you cope in those first few moments, you just collapse and pour your soul from your eyes for the next few days.

Keep going to counselling, reach out to friends, do whatever you need to do to get to the next day, and then the next and the next. One day at a time.

You've got a great resource here as well.

It will get easier.

[Cant breathe]

Thank you both for your kind words. It's been such a shock and I'm not doing well at all. To hear one day that I am the love of his life, then to be thrown away without a thought, no remorse the next... It's not rational at all. Was the cruelty the goal all along?  And what made me, an otherwise successful, functioning human being, fall for this? The thoughts just swirl around and around.

The warning signs were there. He's been cycling through the same group of women for years. Heck, the ex moved out three times -- she moved out on her own once and he moved her our twice -- in five years. The house where he had lived with his ex was clean, but in chaos. (Kitchen backsplash taken out two years ago and still not replaced, walls where wallpaper had been partially ripped down (also two years ago) but never repaired, a truck in the garage that needed one (albeit major) part that he hadn't gotten around to fixing in five years). She'd splashed paint "by accident" all over the wood floors. ALL OVER. I think maybe they are good for each other... she is needy and dependent and takes what extra money he has and he is, well he is whatever he is. He has serious abandonment issues. His mother left him when he was eight and his home life was terrible. He doesn't even remember his early childhood. We were 17 when he got to meet his mother. Ironically, the ex, now current, actually also did abandon him in a big way once. She left him and moved in with her ex. It shocks me to this day that he took her back, but I think he feels like he was rescuing her. In their last breakup, he said he had never felt the same about her since even though they had been living together and a few years had passed. He said he knew that he was over her. Haha. He knows I wouldn't have abandoned him. I always made that clear. Yet, he chose chaos over me.

I know I have to save myself now. I hope I do. I have a great therapist. And those of you here are a blessing. But I hate to say part of me worries about him even though he wouldn't do the same for me. I almost want to call one of his friends (frankly, he has very few) and ask her to look out for him when he falls again. Maybe take that opportunity to try to reach him and encourage him to get help. He won't listen now, since he is at the top of his cycle, his "all-in smitten stage." It certainly can't come from me, I'm dead to him. But, it must be awful to live in his head. I do have compassion for my fellow man. Or is me still being attached?

[Scarredheart]

Thank you both for your kind words. It's been such a shock and I'm not doing well at all. To hear one day that I am the love of his life, then to be thrown away without a thought, no remorse the next... It's not rational at all. Was the cruelty the goal all along?  And what made me, an otherwise successful, functioning human being, fall for this? The thoughts just swirl around and around.

I completely get this. It will get better. All you can do is take care of yourself, and take it a day at a time. I've suggested this to a couple of people recently, but if you have the time and the inclination, this video might help put things in perspective for you.

The warning signs were there. He's been cycling through the same group of women for years. Heck, the ex moved out three times -- she moved out on her own once and he moved her our twice -- in five years. The house where he had lived with his ex was clean, but in chaos. (Kitchen backsplash taken out two years ago and still not replaced, walls where wallpaper had been partially ripped down (also two years ago) but never repaired, a truck in the garage that needed one (albeit major) part that he hadn't gotten around to fixing in five years). She'd splashed paint "by accident" all over the wood floors. ALL OVER. I think maybe they are good for each other... she is needy and dependent and takes what extra money he has and he is, well he is whatever he is. He has serious abandonment issues. His mother left him when he was eight and his home life was terrible. He doesn't even remember his early childhood. We were 17 when he got to meet his mother. Ironically, the ex, now current, actually also did abandon him in a big way once. She left him and moved in with her ex. It shocks me to this day that he took her back, but I think he feels like he was rescuing her. In their last breakup, he said he had never felt the same about her since even though they had been living together and a few years had passed. He said he knew that he was over her. Haha. He knows I wouldn't have abandoned him. I always made that clear. Yet, he chose chaos over me.

She chose a guy working at a doughnut shop that she found on tinder over me, a man who was with her for ten years, who gave up his inheritance to pay off her debts, send her overseas for school and pay for her classes and has a full time federal government job. I get it. Trust me, there's no logic to it.

I know I have to save myself now. I hope I do. I have a great therapist. And those of you here are a blessing. But I hate to say part of me worries about him even though he wouldn't do the same for me. I almost want to call one of his friends (frankly, he has very few) and ask her to look out for him when he falls again. Maybe take that opportunity to try to reach him and encourage him to get help. He won't listen now, since he is at the top of his cycle, his "all-in smitten stage." It certainly can't come from me, I'm dead to him. But, it must be awful to live in his head.

I would strongly suggest you not try to contact him directly or indirectly. Nothing good can come of it. It'll just start everything over again in your head and heart.

I do have compassion for my fellow man. Or is me still being attached?

It's both, but try not to dwell on him. I know that's easier said than done.

One day at a time. You'll get through this.

[ILMBPDC]

I know I have to save myself now.

Yes. Focus on you, its going to be hard at first but it will get better and YOU will get better

I almost want to call one of his friends (frankly, he has very few) and ask her to look out for him when he falls again. Maybe take that opportunity to try to reach him and encourage him to get help.

No. Detach. You didn't cause his issues and you cannot save him and frankly neither can his friends. He has to decide he has an issue and seek help (and it probably won't happen I'm sorry to say). You continuing to reach out - even through a 3rd party - keeps you tethered to him.

But, it must be awful to live in his head. I do have compassion for my fellow man. Or is me still being attached?

Yes I came to that realization too - that it must be awful to have BPD, and knowing that he will never have a functioning relationship. But you know what - YOU will, once you get time and space and heal yourself.

You can have compassion, but keep detached, go No Contact and heal yourself. He is no longer your concern but YOU are!

I have compassion for my ex as well, I'm an empath and highly sensitive and honestly I have a huge amount of compassion for the other woman in your story as well - she also keeps getting sucked back in. My ex has another woman he keeps on a leash and I so want to seek her out and warn her -- I feel bad for her, I've been in her place, but she needs to make that realization on her own. What am I going to do, follow him around forever and warn everyone he dates?  No thanks.

[Scarredheart]

What am I going to do, follow him around forever and warn everyone he dates?

You sure you don't want the job?   

I can't imagine anything worse TBH.

[arjay]

But I hate to say part of me worries about him even though he wouldn't do the same for me. I almost want to call one of his friends (frankly, he has very few) and ask her to look out for him when he falls again. I do have compassion for my fellow man. Or is me still being attached?

I had the very same worries for my BPDxw.  I saw her as someone that was little more than "an emotionally needy child" and that it was somehow my responsibility to forever be there for her (in spite of her leaving me).  Reality was:

• She had her moments of contacting me with the same "I love you"; "I hate you".  I continued with the guilt right up to the point of her boasting of her new love and how much he could do what I couldn't.
• She moved on more quickly than me.  I was left in a complete state of emotional destruction.
• Working on myself and with continued counseling showed me not only the insanity of what I was doing by staying attached, but that it was not my job (nor could I) to help someone that denies their own emotional disorder.
• This is not their "first rodeo" and they are highly adaptable (bouncing from one relationship to another).  I worried about her, even with her being in a new relationship.  Yes I was clearly in the FOG.
• BPD is a very serious emotional disorder and only professionals can help.  "Nothing" we can do as a former "significant other" can help them, and by us thinking we can, only prolongs the pain and dysfunction in our life
• Going complete NC was difficult and I had moments of peace for days, followed by periods of "yearning" for the "good moments" we had. As I learned in counseling, the "good moments" were a small piece of the pie in an overall dysfunctional relationship.
• The more I read about BPD and followed other's experiences in these boards, the more I realized my own need for counseling as well.  Focusing on myself with help from a trained professional helped me out of this emotional pit, in which I was tossed when she left.

[ILMBPDC]

You sure you don't want the job?   

I can't imagine anything worse TBH.

Ugh, right?

[Cant breathe]

You all are right -- I need to save myself. Found a great therapist, who managed to see me twice last week in those first awful days. I was proud of myself for not answering the cruel "breakup text." I have reached out in the week, just once, to ask for the return of my belongings. I asked them to be mailed or dropped at a friend's house. No need to go back to his home... not that he would allow that anyway given his current state.

Whether or not my things are returned, I won't reach out again. This wasn't my first round with this person (I know, fool me once...) so I know that he would have nothing to say that would make me feel any better. I am no longer of value in his life.

I  do have to say that I worry I am making up that he has an illness. I only think he has BPD based on my therapist, who was with me in the last round and noticed I was using the very words to describe what happened that are used in the manual for clinical diagnosis. It makes rational sense, given his history as an abused child and his cycling through relationships. BUT, what if this is just my brain's attempt to make me feel better. What if I was the one causing his relationship problems and he was the one who finally did the right thing by dumping me? These are the thoughts that roar through my brain.   

[arjay]

It makes rational sense, given his history as an abused child and his cycling through relationships. BUT, what if this is just my brain's attempt to make me feel better. What if I was the one causing his relationship problems and he was the one who finally did the right thing by dumping me? These are the thoughts that roar through my brain.  

Yes, "again" my own thoughts even during counseling.  I believed that she simply "misunderstood me"; that I loved her; was truly sorry for my contribution to the chaos; that if I could just "explain myself better", she would understand and return.

Regarding your situation:
Are all these women he is engaged all causing the same issues, prompting him to cycle?  Are they "all" the reason for his relationship problems as well?  I blamed myself for her leaving in the beginning and she exploited that as long as I remained tethered to her.  What should be obvious is that the difference was you and I could take responsibility for our faults.  My 'ex' just wouldn't/couldn't do the same".

Regardless of whether your ex is diagnosed or not, his behavior is extremely dysfunctional.  My ex had a similar childhood history and similar behavior.  She was diagnosed with BPD/PTSD.  I found out about her diagnosis by accident, a few months after she left.

[ILMBPDC]

Reality was:

• She had her moments of contacting me with the same "I love you"; "I hate you".  I continued with the guilt right up to the point of her boasting of her new love and how much he could do what I couldn't.
• She moved on more quickly than me.  I was left in a complete state of emotional destruction.
• Working on myself and with continued counseling showed me not only the insanity of what I was doing by staying attached, but that it was not my job (nor could I) to help someone that denies their own emotional disorder.
• This is not their "first rodeo" and they are highly adaptable (bouncing from one relationship to another).  I worried about her, even with her being in a new relationship.  Yes I was clearly in the FOG.
• BPD is a very serious emotional disorder and only professionals can help.  "Nothing" we can do as a former "significant other" can help them, and by us thinking we can, only prolongs the pain and dysfunction in our life
• Going complete NC was difficult and I had moments of peace for days, followed by periods of "yearning" for the "good moments" we had. As I learned in counseling, the "good moments" were a small piece of the pie in an overall dysfunctional relationship.
• The more I read about BPD and followed other's experiences in these boards, the more I realized my own need for counseling as well.  Focusing on myself with help from a trained professional helped me out of this emotional pit, in which I was tossed when she left.

All of this.  I wish we could "thumbs up" posts

But especially this - I think many - if not all of us - on this board  need to hear this often
BPD is a very serious emotional disorder and only professionals can help.  "Nothing" we can do as a former "significant other" can help them, and by us thinking we can, only prolongs the pain and dysfunction in our life

[Cant breathe]

I am sorry, but I have to ask. How is it possible that with no warning, this man replaced me even as I was driving to meet him for our vacation? How is it possible he thought a text -- "She's here. She is not going home. We are together" -- was the proper way to end our relationship? Am I crazy? Is this normal?

[ILMBPDC]

I am sorry, but I have to ask. How is it possible that with no warning, this man replaced me even as I was driving to meet him for our vacation? How is it possible he thought a text -- "She's here. She is not going home. We are together" -- was the proper way to end our relationship? Am I crazy? Is this normal?

No. It isn't normal. You're absolutely right. The downside is this: You won't ever get a satisfactory answer or complete closure from a BPD significant other.

Agreed 100%. Its not normal and you will never understand it. For me, part of learning to let go and detach was acknowledging that I will never understand it. It will never make sense to me and I will drive myself crazy trying to understand so I've had to accept that I never will. And, trust me, that is super hard for me as I am an Analyst by nature and at work, analyzing and researching is what I DO. But in this case I have to accept that no amount of research, analyzing and rumination will make it make sense.

I am truly sorry. This is still raw for you; I know that you cannot just say "ok, I let go of this" but its a good thing to work towards. Just keep moving forward in healing you.

[Cant breathe]

Hi all. I do appreciate all the advice here. I feel that I am finally among people who maybe understand the irrational thing that happened to me. I met with my therapist again tonight and it was a great session. I'm feeling calmer. I am working towards the acceptance that while the man I used to call "my love" will never feel remorse or even recognize his cruelty, I am a good person worthy of better. It helps, sadly, that I've been down this road with him before so I know his pattern and knew what terrible words to expect. It also gives me the resolve to know that any contact with him would not help me. He may be happy right now with the other woman and I may be on my knees in pain, but I will be the one who has the happy, rewarding life. I'm now spending my time understanding BPS as part of what happened to me, but I am looking forward to working on myself. Thanks again, everyone, for hearing me. I don't feel so alone anymore.

[Cant breathe]

Received a box in the mail. My things. And a check to cover part of the vacation that didn't happen when he decided I was no longer the love of his life. I had politely asked for -- more politely than he deserved -- these things and the check. I figure it wouldn't have gotten me anyway to say what I was really thinking because I'm nothing to him since he discarded me and went back to his ex.

Sad at this act, which seems so final. Also stuck with this terrible thought: How can we say that that someone who is BPD is having irrational thoughts when they are discarding us, but then can take the rational act of sending our items so quickly?

Am I making this up, his illness, to soothe myself? Will I ever feel better?

 

[ILMBPDC]

Also stuck with this terrible thought: How can we say that that someone who is BPD is having irrational thoughts when they are discarding us, but then can take the rational act of sending our items so quickly?

People with BPD have underdeveloped emotional regulation - I see a lot that they are likened to having an emotional level of a toddler. Their lizard brain takes over -- this is an interesting blog post on the subject from someone with BPD: https://meowse.livejournal.com/277600.html
This doesn't mean that they are irrational otherwise - my BPD seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, was smart, charming, ambitious... but as soon as emotions are involved he is a mess and does the most irrational things.  It's mind boggling and we can't understand it. Part of your healing will be to learn to accept that you won't understand it because his brain doesn't work like yours.

Am I making this up, his illness, to soothe myself?

Whether or not he would be diagnosable doesn't change the fact that he absolutely shows disordered thinking in line with BPD. Your reactions to his treatment of you are valid.

Will I ever feel better? 

Yes, you will. It takes time and support but you will. I'm a month out and I feel significantly better - not 100% but I know one day I will be there.  And this forum has been HUGE in helping me process this.

[jaded7]

I know I have to save myself now. I hope I do. I have a great therapist. And those of you here are a blessing. But I hate to say part of me worries about him even though he wouldn't do the same for me. I almost want to call one of his friends (frankly, he has very few) and ask her to look out for him when he falls again. Maybe take that opportunity to try to reach him and encourage him to get help. He won't listen now, since he is at the top of his cycle, his "all-in smitten stage." It certainly can't come from me, I'm dead to him. But, it must be awful to live in his head. I do have compassion for my fellow man. Or is me still being attached?

I just want to say I know the pain you are in, many, many of us here do. I found this board over a year ago now, and I still return to it on occasion to quiet the ruminating thoughts and 'missing' her.

I had a gargantuan thread about 15 months ago, with many chiming in and telling me things I needed to hear: I'm not crazy, that behavior is abusive, I'm not a horrible person, you shouldn't be treated that way, etc. etc. That was so helpful. It's too painful for me to go back and read it now, but it's there.

This board is a safe place for us to express ourselves, and find others who understand. That, for me, has been so helpful.

With respect to the quote above, yes, saving yourself is the mission now. Part of that for me was realizing I'm not crazy and coming to believe that I am a good person, maybe believing again that I am. She said so, so many mean things to me and of course I was to blame in all cases.

And I completely understand your worry and care for him, I feel the same about mine...I wanted to take care of her, wanted to make her feel safe, wanted to be there for her. She told me I failed at that, try as hard as I might...and like you, I know during our relationship she didn't do the same for me, and likely doesn't give a damn about me now.