How to deal with an obssessed mother

[dianag76]

Hi,

I could really use some help. I am an adult child of a BPD with children of my own. She is also diagnosed with Bipolar II. She only takes meds but does not therapy (which is infuriating). This has been going on for years. I have gone through therapy of my own and have learned to draw my boundaries with her. Unfortunately, she has no idea what a boundary means. She seems to have quite a bit of paranoia or a deep desire to be believed.

I cannot get her to listen me about getting help. She always turns it to another subject and the subjects are ones where she thinks I don't believe her about a particular subject and unless I give her my undivided attention for hours, she just consumes everything. I do not know how to be with her and have her in my life at all and not let her consume me. I find myself being to callus and critical. I try to speak the truth to her with concern and care but she just takes control of everything and sabotages every situation and relationship. She is at a place in life with nearly no money and friends or family. She has run everyone away. How can I have her in my life at all?

[Hazelrah]

 

Hi dianag76,

I'm glad you found us... .it sounds as if you have had a rough go of it with your mother, and I'm sorry to hear about this.  Many borderlines refuse therapy, or even refuse having any problems at all, and this can be extremely frustrating for us, their loved ones. 

The fact that she is Bipolar II surely makes it even more difficult--I know firsthand, as my borderline wife has been diagnosed with these same comorbid illnesses (BPD and Bipolar II), so I can commiserate.  It can be so confusing trying to navigate such intense emotions, can't it?

There are a number of great resources on this site.  One which might you might find helpful right off the bat is the following link: Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment.

You also might want to check out our [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board board, where the discussions are focused on dealing with familial relationships involving BPD sufferers.  The senior members there can help you further with setting boundaries, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery. 

You've come to the right place--we're glad you're here.

[dianag76]

Hazelrah, thank you for the response. It is nice to finally have a place where there are others in this world that understand what I am going through. I was extremely frustrated the other night... .now I just feel sad. I ended up blocking her phone calls and texts for a while as she started sending text messages at 3 am that didn't make a great deal of sense but something about her going to the ER. This has happened many times. Not sure that she did, maybe just wanted sympathy. I have a hard time with having her in my life and not letting her consume it. I am trying to raise children of my own and have a healthy relationship with my husband. I have to know where to draw the lines that quite often seem to get blurred with her and no one else in my life.

I really appreciate the help by pointing me to the other boards for information. It was my first time to post on here and so glad that someone gets it! Have a great night

[Drained Daughter]

I really struggle with this too.  My mom is so boundary-less, attention seeking, and low functioning that it is very hard to figure out how to interact with her at all without it becoming destabilizing to the functional parts of my life.  Plus the process of setting more reasonable boundaries is leaving very little left for us to talk about, so there is less and less of a relationship left.  

I'm really unclear whether I can have her in my life and be fully happy and functional.  But it I'm not sure I can live with excising her from my life yet, but her endless terrible behavior has me circling ever closer to making that decision.

I wish you all the best. 

[WiseMind]

My mom is so boundary-less, attention seeking, and low functioning that it is very hard to figure out how to interact with her at all without it becoming destabilizing to the functional parts of my life.  Plus the process of setting more reasonable boundaries is leaving very little left for us to talk about, so there is less and less of a relationship left.

This is my mom. She is uBPD and I also believe narcissistic. Over the last couple of years I have really set some strong boundaries and having done so realize that we have little left to talk about (I actually do not talk to her very much anymore). She LOVES to talk about other people and gossip. Anything negative. This is something I decided I have no time for in my life so I either ignore these comments if she says them while I'm around or I excuse myself.

Diana,

I felt such relief when I found this website. I really thought for years that it was ME with the issues, even though I knew and the rest of my family must know on some level, that she is mentally ill. I can relate to many of your comments - my mom used to be on medication but refuses any sort of therapy. She has very enmeshed relationships with my dad and sister, which has resulted in my relationships with them becoming distanced - I can't really talk with any of them about my feelings because I do not want them shared with my mom. Sadly I have had to detach myself from the family but it has made me so much happier and things in my life are very positive. It wasn't without a lot of my own therapy, stress, and tears though.   I'm glad you found this site, they have such wonderful resources and members. Lean on us for support!

- WiseMind