New Member - Mother with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I'm a nineteen year old college student with a non-diagnosed, high functioning BPD mother. She and my father have been divorced for going on fifteen years, and I dealt with many of what appear to be the standard issues children with BPD mothers have. My sister is five years older than me, and has been no contact with my mother since she was seventeen.

I am currently on extremely limited contact; only contact I have is for the purpose of retrieving a court ordered college fund from her. Most of our conversations for the past year and a half have been via text message, which I have found to quite helpful. Having a written record of what the BPD says is incalculably valuable when it comes to validating what you are feeling and think that the BPD has said. This status occurred due to numerous incidents in my childhood, but the instigating factor was this spring when my mother tried to use the threat of my grandmother disowning me as leverage. That was when I finally decided enough was enough. Considering the last time I saw my grandmother, I was fourteen in the back of a police car because my mother tried to stab her with a pen, that didn't seem like such a hard decision at the time. It's coming back to bite me emotionally now though. I only now had the meltdown that I should have had back in May, which is one of my motivators in joining the forum.  

I would like to say that I am at least partially on the way to healing from all of this due to the fact that I am able to identify many of my maladaptive behaviors and feelings (you can tell I've been reading the books   ). However, I still have doubts about my mother's unofficial diagnosis, and am at the point where I need to begin addressing those issues, which is probably one of the most terrifying things I've thought about doing in a long time. I'm working on being more honest about my emotions with my sister and am contemplating starting therapy with one of our school counselors, both of which are easier said than done.

I'm hopeful that this new community will be the intermediate step between where I am now and where I want to be, and that I can help some people out there with similar experiences to mine.

[emjay45151]

Hi, I'm a nineteen year old college student with a non-diagnosed, high functioning BPD mother. She and my father have been divorced for going on fifteen years, and I dealt with many of what appear to be the standard issues children with BPD mothers have. My sister is five years older than me, and has been no contact with my mother since she was seventeen.

I am currently on extremely limited contact; only contact I have is for the purpose of retrieving a court ordered college fund from her. Most of our conversations for the past year and a half have been via text message, which I have found to quite helpful. Having a written record of what the BPD says is incalculably valuable when it comes to validating what you are feeling and think that the BPD has said. This status occurred due to numerous incidents in my childhood, but the instigating factor was this spring when my mother tried to use the threat of my grandmother disowning me as leverage. That was when I finally decided enough was enough. Considering the last time I saw my grandmother, I was fourteen in the back of a police car because my mother tried to stab her with a pen, that didn't seem like such a hard decision at the time. It's coming back to bite me emotionally now though. I only now had the meltdown that I should have had back in May, which is one of my motivators in joining the forum.  

I would like to say that I am at least partially on the way to healing from all of this due to the fact that I am able to identify many of my maladaptive behaviors and feelings (you can tell I've been reading the books   ). However, I still have doubts about my mother's unofficial diagnosis, and am at the point where I need to begin addressing those issues, which is probably one of the most terrifying things I've thought about doing in a long time. I'm working on being more honest about my emotions with my sister and am contemplating starting therapy with one of our school counselors, both of which are easier said than done.

I'm hopeful that this new community will be the intermediate step between where I am now and where I want to be, and that I can help some people out there with similar experiences to mine.

[Bananas]

  emjay45151,

  Glad you found us!

It certainly seems have you have had some very difficult times growing up!     I must say though from reading your post you sound incredibly wise, brave and mature.  It sounds like you have learned a lot of great techniques to use to improve upon the relationship with your Mom and most importantly take care of yourself.

I would like to comment on you feeling doubtful about an official diagnosis.  So many of us, myself included, don't have an "official" diagnosis.  That is not important.  What is important is that you have recognized BPD traits in your mother, (that is why you are here) and it is also important not to doubt your own feelings!

If you haven't already I invite you to read and post on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board.  Members here can relate to so many of the things you are feeling.  You can learn more about setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences.

The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

I think it is wonderful that you have your sister as support, does she live close to you where you are able to see her often?  Also, it is great that you have an opportunity to explore therapy.  It is easier said than done, but starting therapy was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.  That and reading and posting on this Board have been a tremendous help to me!

 Bananas

[peaceplease]

emjay,

   I would like to join Bananas in welcoming you to bpdfamily!  I am glad that you found us here. 

This site is very supportive.  You will find that many understand and may have similar stories.  Also, I agree with

Bananas about therapy being helpful.  If it is available I would highly recommend it.  It is great to have someone to talk to in person.

I hope that you will visit the board that Bananas suggested.  You will find so many that share a similar story.

peaceplease

[WiseMind]

Welcome, emjay!

I too have a mom who is uBPD. I am 36 and have been in therapy for 2 consecutive years now to help me deal with my relationship with her. I was in therapy about 8-9 years ago and while I did explore my issues with her, it wasn't my main focus back then. I didn't realize her disease back then. Anyway, I wanted to welcome you and let you know that I can understand some of how you feel and what it is like to have a mom with BPD. I think therapy is going to be great for you, it is very validating to talk with someone and have them understand a little of what you are going through. A therapist will also help you with coping mechanisms. bananas has already pointed you a very helpful forum on this site.   I look forward to chatting with you more.

WiseMind