My 23 bpd DD went no contact with me in Oct. Previously she had done little stints of not talking to me, but this is the longest it has been and seems more "official." Naturally, I have been devastated, and the holidays feel so strange. She will occasionally respond to texts from my husband- her stepdad- but usually ignores them. DD is not in contact with any other family members either.
Sasha77, do you send texts to her? It's so hard to know what to do, isn't it? I was married to a man with BPD traits and he went no contact with his parents. I didn't realize at the time that many of the things he said about them weren't true. I know it meant a lot to him that they reached out, though.
It's great that you have a therapist you trust, that makes such a difference. I did an NEA-BPD Family Connections session years ago and losing contact with adult BPD children was common. Just knowing where they might be would've provided so much relief for many parents, even if there was no contact.
How are you doing?? How are you handling the holidays? What are some things you are doing for yourself?
I tend to manifest my grief somatically
About a week before Christmas my back began to spasm. Even though our holidays are quiet this year with no guests, there is something about this time of year that shines light on how dysfunctional so many branches of my family are.
My parents are disordered in ways that I struggle to make sense of. I will never understand how they cannot ask how their grandson is doing (my S22) or send him a card, much less a gift. H sent them a text to say Merry Christmas and it was like they remembered oh right, LnL is one of our kids. So much of their energy goes into my uBPD sibling and his family. I seem to be one of those people who creates friendships that feel like family so there are plenty of people who call and text and vice versa, and my son feels loved by them. But holidays make me acutely aware of this accounting and I guess it creates the kind of stress that puts my back out
during these past 6 months, grieving has definitely been my « theme ».. and I was trying to explain this to some friends (who do not have a bpd child.) I did not know the term for it.. but my friend did tell me it is a real phenomena. I am slowly returning to my buddhist practice.. to save myself. And find hope again. Hugs to you all during these very difficult time of the year.
Having a BPD stepdaughter is what motivated me to develop a meditation practice. At first it felt like a rescue mission to help me cope with flooded emotions! Now I think of it as a way to touch earth at least once a day. SD26 visited this summer and I could tell it was helpful although I still had strong reactions that only she seems capable of triggering. Keep it up, that's what I tell myself!
H and I had the day to ourselves today and for self care we went on a jog, made tacos for dinner, and watched a documentary about racing cars in Malaysia -- just enjoyed time with each other.
This truly sounds amazing! In some ways diverging from regular holiday customs probably made it easier? I used to do less at the holidays, I think as a way to kind of shut down what was happening all around me, because to dive in might mean too much sadness that my family was shattered by BPD, both in my family of origin and then with my ex H, and now with my stepdaughter. But this board helped me stabilize things to some extent with SD26 and we are managing ok, and lately we are gravitating to traditions, including making some of our own, just me and H.
Refusing to accept the scapegoating of myself and other family members, along with going NC with my NPD sister and the whole family knowing about it, has resulted in my having no family to spend holidays with, as I am not invited and if I were, I would not likely attend
zachira, I'm so glad you posted. You've had so much courage and have taught me so much about the challenges of standing up to disordered family members and refusing to be abused by them. It is not an easy path to take, that is for sure.
The holidays are a sad time for those of us who have no family to spend the holidays with or who go to holiday celebrations that are painful and distressing because of all the disordered family members acting out.
I am amazed how hard it is to change this script -- my father's birthday falls before Christmas and he wanted us to drive up to celebrate. We are managing ok in our relationship at the moment but H pointed out my uBPD sibling would likely be joining us for the birthday dinner. Looking back, that's when my back started acting up
The biggest joy I experienced on Christmas Day this year was asking my neighbor's grandchildren about their Christmas presents. These children come from a tight knit loving family, and it brings joy to my heart to be around these kinds of families.
I love that you had this experience, experiencing something so sweet and joyful
I am so much happier overall since I went mostly NC/LC with nearly all of my FOO and my large extended family. I consider the losses I have suffered at the hands of my family life long losses which I grieve on a daily basis by meditating and getting into nature.
It's something I'm learning to accept too, that this is likely a lifelong grief that is part of me, and part of life. And the holidays have a tendency to concentrate those feelings.
H and I made the decision to do family things in the summer when it's easier to get outside and keep people busy. When we celebrate indoors during the winter with lots of people cooped up inside, that is a recipe for drama. What we are still working on is how to navigate the grief that we both have families who are difficult, people who can't seem to get together without code red drama.
On the upside, my S22, who is autistic, told me he loves how quiet and peaceful our holidays are compared to friends. He's glad we don't travel, our home isn't noisy, and he doesn't have to wear uncomfortable clothing
