Feeling like the breakup was my fault and that I want her back

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I've recently started having thoughts that I want my ex with (relatively minor) BPD traits back. For the past couple months since the breakup I mostly felt like it was totally her fault and that there was nothing I could have done, but now I'm starting to feel like it was mostly my fault.

I think my biggest mistake was that she told me she loved me for the first time and I didn't reciprocate. It was my first real relationship and I had hinted at the fact that she would probably say it first and that when the time comes I probably wouldn't be able to reciprocate until I did some thinking. I didn't want to say the words unless I was 100% sure I meant them. She seemed ok with it at first, but then I went on vacation without her (it was planned before we met) and she became distant and wanted to meet to "talk" when I got home. I ended up getting really frustrated over her acting so distant all week and said some things that I shouldn't have that prompted her to end the relationship instead of meeting to talk about it.

We ended up meeting to talk two weeks later since we didn't want to end things by text and I needed to give some of her stuff back. She told me she didn't actually love me and that when she said it she was just being emotional. She also told me she was already dating other guys she had met online and was very cold about it all, telling me details about them that I really didn't care to know about.

About a month later my sister talks to a guy at a party who is the boyfriend of my exes friend, and someone who my ex and I had hung out with the same weekend she told me she loved me. He was very surprised to hear that we had broken up, said that when I wasn't around my ex had told everyone in the group that she loved me but hadn't told me yet, and that she seemed crazy. My sister was apparently blackout drunk and agreed that she's crazy.

Fast forward to this past Friday. I was out with my sister in the city my ex lives in so she was already on my mind, and I get a text from her. She tells me that my sister should stop running her mouth telling mutual friends that she's crazy. I felt so bad, and replied telling her that I had heard my sister had talked to the mutual friend but that I didn't know what she had said exactly, and told her she shouldn't have said that. I got no response.

My sister apologized to me and sent my ex a message on FB apologizing and saying that she shouldn't have called her crazy and only thought that because of the minimal details she had heard about the circumstances of the breakup. My ex accepted the apology.

A couple days later I text her, ask how she's been and tell her I'm sorry for whatever my sister said and that I hope we're still on good terms (she had been friendly recently, sending me a Snapchat here and there, etc). She tells me that we're good and that when she texted me about my sister calling her crazy she was meaner than she meant to be because she was drunk at the time. Then I told her that she only said that because she heard about the breakup from me when I was upset and I may have made it seem like it was her fault, but that I now realize that I made some big mistakes, and I asked how she's been again (since she didn't answer that question the first time). It's been a day and a half and I haven't gotten a response.

I guess I'm just now feeling like I had more to do with the breakup than I initially thought. It can't feel good telling someone you love them and having them not reciprocate or reassure you at all, and then for them to go on vacation without you. She really is a great girl and if it weren't for the fact that she got mad at me so often over such silly things I think I would have been able to tell her I loved her. The truth is, I know I loved her, I just didn't feel "in love" with her because I felt like I was walking on eggshells. But now that I suspect that that was caused by a mental illness and really wasn't completely her fault, it makes it harder for me. I feel like now that I know there's a reason she is the way she is I could have learned to deal with it better and to help her to decrease that sort of behavior (and hopefully get a diagnosis and real help).

Anyway, what do you guys think? What sucks now is that I feel like the last text I sent her may have made things awkward, and I'm not sure what to do since she hasn't responded. I also don't know if she's still dating the guy she started seeing. My sister told me that she changed her FB profile picture to one with him in it recently, but within a day or two changed it to one of just her, so they could very well be on the rocks. I just don't know where to go from here... .

[cleverusername]

So I've recently started having thoughts that I want my ex with (relatively minor) BPD traits back. For the past couple months since the breakup I mostly felt like it was totally her fault and that there was nothing I could have done, but now I'm starting to feel like it was mostly my fault.

I think my biggest mistake was that she told me she loved me for the first time and I didn't reciprocate. It was my first real relationship and I had hinted at the fact that she would probably say it first and that when the time comes I probably wouldn't be able to reciprocate until I did some thinking. I didn't want to say the words unless I was 100% sure I meant them. She seemed ok with it at first, but then I went on vacation without her (it was planned before we met) and she became distant and wanted to meet to "talk" when I got home. I ended up getting really frustrated over her acting so distant all week and said some things that I shouldn't have that prompted her to end the relationship instead of meeting to talk about it.

We ended up meeting to talk two weeks later since we didn't want to end things by text and I needed to give some of her stuff back. She told me she didn't actually love me and that when she said it she was just being emotional. She also told me she was already dating other guys she had met online and was very cold about it all, telling me details about them that I really didn't care to know about.

About a month later my sister talks to a guy at a party who is the boyfriend of my exes friend, and someone who my ex and I had hung out with the same weekend she told me she loved me. He was very surprised to hear that we had broken up, said that when I wasn't around my ex had told everyone in the group that she loved me but hadn't told me yet, and that she seemed crazy. My sister was apparently blackout drunk and agreed that she's crazy.

Fast forward to this past Friday. I was out with my sister in the city my ex lives in so she was already on my mind, and I get a text from her. She tells me that my sister should stop running her mouth telling mutual friends that she's crazy. I felt so bad, and replied telling her that I had heard my sister had talked to the mutual friend but that I didn't know what she had said exactly, and told her she shouldn't have said that. I got no response.

My sister apologized to me and sent my ex a message on FB apologizing and saying that she shouldn't have called her crazy and only thought that because of the minimal details she had heard about the circumstances of the breakup. My ex accepted the apology.

A couple days later I text her, ask how she's been and tell her I'm sorry for whatever my sister said and that I hope we're still on good terms (she had been friendly recently, sending me a Snapchat here and there, etc). She tells me that we're good and that when she texted me about my sister calling her crazy she was meaner than she meant to be because she was drunk at the time. Then I told her that she only said that because she heard about the breakup from me when I was upset and I may have made it seem like it was her fault, but that I now realize that I made some big mistakes, and I asked how she's been again (since she didn't answer that question the first time). It's been a day and a half and I haven't gotten a response.

I guess I'm just now feeling like I had more to do with the breakup than I initially thought. It can't feel good telling someone you love them and having them not reciprocate or reassure you at all, and then for them to go on vacation without you. She really is a great girl and if it weren't for the fact that she got mad at me so often over such silly things I think I would have been able to tell her I loved her. The truth is, I know I loved her, I just didn't feel "in love" with her because I felt like I was walking on eggshells. But now that I suspect that that was caused by a mental illness and really wasn't completely her fault, it makes it harder for me. I feel like now that I know there's a reason she is the way she is I could have learned to deal with it better and to help her to decrease that sort of behavior (and hopefully get a diagnosis and real help).

Anyway, what do you guys think? What sucks now is that I feel like the last text I sent her may have made things awkward, and I'm not sure what to do since she hasn't responded. I also don't know if she's still dating the guy she started seeing. My sister told me that she changed her FB profile picture to one with him in it recently, but within a day or two changed it to one of just her, so they could very well be on the rocks. I just don't know where to go from here... .

[Infern0]

Did you know she was borderline while in the relationship?

I had similar things happen to me,  she went away for a couple of weeks during which I got text bombed the entire time then when she came back she got super flaky always making excuses not to see me,  being distant on the phone etc. I would ask what was wrong but she wouldn't say.  Eventually I snapped and said some things I didn't mean


But I put it to you,  how are you supposed to deal with that,  there was no logical reason for her sudden behaviour change and she wasn't communicating with me at all.

You blame yourself but come on, push pull etc is impossible if you don't know they have BPD. 

If you think you are dealing with someone normal... .

Anyways no its not your fault.

If you want her back,  it's hard to give advice on how to get her back.  She will choose on her own. Sorry to say there's little you can do to effect that.

[cleverusername]

I did not know she was borderline while in the relationship, only that she had been diagnosed with depression last year. She still isn't diagnosed as borderline, she just seems to have lots of borderline traits (enough to qualify as BPD from what I can tell, but I'm no doctor).

Your story does sound very familiar, but your situation sounds a bit worse since she got flaky and made excuses not to see you. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

In my case she wanted to see me to talk about the relationship but since I was on vacation at the time we had to put it on hold. I think she got the feeling that the relationship was in limbo and started to distance her self, plus I know that she truly was very busy with a work project the week I was away. But not busy enough to be as distant as she was. Texting is quick and easy and I wasn't being overly demanding, I just wanted for her to respond to what I was saying/asking her instead of just saying "nice."

I really wish we had talked on the phone more instead of relying on texting (mostly because she preferred texting). I think a lot of our issues could have been avoided if we had talked on the phone.

Something that's really hard is that she was my first girlfriend so I really have no baseline to judge her actions/behavior against. I'm just suddenly feeling overwhelmingly guilty, because I know that I made huge mistakes. I just wish that I had told her I loved her before I went on vacation, and I really think that none of this would have happened if I had. I feel like any girl would have felt bad about it if their boyfriend didn't reciprocate when saying "I love you" for the first time.

It's just really depressing because last week she was being friendly with me, even though we weren't really having conversations. I was starting to feel like I could reach out and have a conversation with her soon without it upsetting me, and now this whole situation with my sister calling her crazy has caused more strain.

And now that I have asked her how she's been twice and gotten no response to that question, and in my last text I also mentioned that I know I "made big mistakes," I feel like I can't do anything but wait for her to reach out to me because if I reach out again I could look weak.

I'm stuck in this state where I'm stressed and anxious because I think I want her back and I want to tell her that I did/do love her, but I can't say it... .

[Infern0]

I can understand how you feel. Yes reaching out over and over will make you look weak and won't get you anywhere.  Girls in general,  even BPD usually you need to build attraction by being a catch. "Please take me back" not attractive to a woman at all.

Kind of just have to go about your business and in my experience they usually reach out to you.  

Regardless it's unhealthy to put your life on hold while waiting for a borderline to come back to you, because it also may never happen.

Get on with your own life,  do things for you and IF she comes back,  handle your business then. And by handle your business I mean take her out,  have fun and go from there.

Don't sit her down and talk about your feelings. With women in general,  let them bring that stuff up but yeah if they tell you they love you,  say it back.

[cleverusername]

Yeah, I know I can't plead for her to take me back and that reaching out over and over won't get me anywhere. I haven't reached out to her over and over just yet so that's good, but a few weeks after the breakup we texted a bit and she said "don't deny it, you miss me" and I told her I don't deny it. I guess that's the only other time I've showed weakness since the breakup.

When we met to discuss the breakup and she told me she never actually loved me I knew it wasn't true, and I realize now that she just took it back because I didn't reciprocate and that made her feel dumb. I know she did love me... .I could tell by the way she looked at me the night she said it, and having now found out that she told the group we were with that she loved me before telling me I feel like that confirms it.

It's just really hard now because I so badly feel the need to apologize. Not even to get her back necessarily. I just want for her to not think I'm a complete idiot or that I didn't care about her. It's just terrible feeling like there were so many things left unsaid and wanting to say them, but knowing it will make me look weak... .

[cleverusername]

And yeah, I know I can't put my life on hold but I know that I'm not going to be in a relationship any time soon. I'm doing online dating but things never work out. It's not just me being pessimistic, just realistic. In my 3 years of online dating she was the only relationship I ever got out of it, and the only girl I got past 3 dates with. I'm kind of picky with who I date so for the most part I go on dates and find I'm just not that interested, or I'll feel that the girl isn't that interested and that causes me to lose interest, haha.

A few times though I have been interested in a girl to some extent after the first date, and was kind of startled to find that they seemed way more interested in me. In all of those cases I became more interested after the next couple dates, only to have them end it after the third date. It's like I repel girls or something, it's ridiculous. I'm a pretty good looking guy and in great shape, and I have a good heart, but most girls pretty quickly realize I'm not at all what they're looking for.

Oh well, I'm trying... .

[Infern0]

Have you adressed the fact that you may be codependent,  or have people pleaser syndrome or another type of issue.

Most everyone who ends up in a RS with a pwBPD has got some kind of issues of their own which is why we get ourselves in these situations.

I would recommend that you look into this.  

I wondered for years why I had such "bad luck" in the dating game,  considering I am fairly good looking,  in decent shape,  have a decent job and consider myself a "good guy" turns out I was codependent and am now sorting that issue out.

[cleverusername]

I have addressed that I may be codependent. I actually mentioned in another thread on here that I did some research on Dependent Personality Disorder and I seem to have most of the traits. The people on that board actually told me they don't think I have it, because I really didn't let my ex walk all over me all the time. I stood my ground on multiple occasions even though I knew it would make her mad. It was definitely difficult for me though and at times I did give in.

For instance, she would plan our whole weekend a week in advance, and even if her plans were just to hang out together cook dinner if I were to try to change the plans at all she'd get mad. I had a friend who lives on the other side of the country come visit at the last minute once and I wanted to see him while he was in town. So I asked if we could meet with him in the city instead of staying home and having her cook dinner and she got mad (as I expected) and didn't come. I went anyway but felt her wrath, haha.

So I don't think I'm a complete pushover like a true codependent would be but I do feel still feel that I'm somewhere on that spectrum. I'm looking into getting therapy so I'll see what they think.

What's messed up is that while I know I have some codependent traits and want to fix that, my ex needs to be with someone even more codependent (in order for her to stick around).

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cleveruser, You might want to consider the extent to which you may have been manipulated by your Ex's use of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  Those w/BPD are experts at getting us to feel guilty about things that we have no reason to feel guilty about.  Also, your description of how angry your Ex could get if you changed plans and how you incurred her "wrath" suggests that maybe your r/s had some unhealthy aspects.  I suggest that you sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything (like send more texts to your Ex).  Lucky Jim

[Infern0]

Just in terms of codependency,  I too am "on the spectrum" as they say.  This means that no I'm not a complete pushover.  In this case it was why my RS ended.  Because I stood up for myself and told her that I was better than this.

If I'd have had the communication tools and understood BPD I probably could have done a lot better I.e stood up for myself without getting angry and "negotiated" instead of arguing.

But anyway yeah on the spectrum.

Have put up with a lot of things from people that most wouldn't put up with. 

My issues had led me into trouble already.  My "best friend" of three years was actually a narcissist so he spent three years putting me down and destroying my self worth. In the end he played a huge part in the RS failure because it didn't suit his agenda so he decided to corrupt it.

I personally have cut off all the blood suckers and feel way better for it. I make an exception for my ex because of my own reasons.

[cleverusername]

Hey cleveruser, You might want to consider the extent to which you may have been manipulated by your Ex's use of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  Those w/BPD are experts at getting us to feel guilty about things that we have no reason to feel guilty about.  Also, your description of how angry your Ex could get if you changed plans and how you incurred her "wrath" suggests that maybe your r/s had some unhealthy aspects.  I suggest that you sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything (like send more texts to your Ex).  Lucky Jim

Hey Lucky Jim. I think you're right, I think I was manipulated quite a bit by F-O-G. Thinking back on the relationship it's tough to differentiate between F-O-G and just feeling like she wanted to see me a lot more than I wanted to see her. For the most part the arguments we had were about me trying to get some space, see friends, have some alone time, etc. If she couldn't have me to herself for the entire 48 hours of the weekend there would be some kind of anger towards me. And I was manipulated because I'd change my plans a lot of the time to accommodate for this, and I did give in a lot.

To be honest, I think she may have even used our one week breakup as a way to manipulate me. She broke it off but we planned on meeting the following week as friends, and the whole time I had a lingering thought in the back of my mind that she might try to get back together. And she did. We went to dinner and then back to her place to talk and the night ended with her trying to kiss me (I dodged and told her not yet and I had to think things over). I guess this breakup may have been her way of saying "if you don't give in to my every need I will break up with you."

[cleverusername]

If I'd have had the communication tools and understood BPD I probably could have done a lot better I.e stood up for myself without getting angry and "negotiated" instead of arguing.

Yeah, this is how I feel when I start to feel bad about the relationship ending. What prompted the breakup was me calling her an ___hole haha. And I feel the same way, that if I had the communication tools and knew that she had BPD at the time I could have handled it better.

I'm sorry to hear about the issues with your "best friend." I know how that feels to have someone close to you put you down like that and to just take it. In my case it wasn't for an extended period of time, but I've had friends put me down on occasion and I never addressed how messed up it was. I think part of the reason I've taken stuff like that in the past is because instead of responding to it I'm just kind of shocked (same reaction as I had with my exes rages). I didn't need to cut these people out of my life though because it was always a momentary indiscretion sort of thing and they were good friends to one another for the most part. Good on you for cutting those types out of your life though.

[Lucky Jim]

if I had the communication tools and knew that she had BPD at the time I could have handled it better.

No doubt we all could probably have handled it better!  Yet most of us have no experience w/BPD when we come into the r/s, so it's all learning on the fly.

I had the same problems with my BPDxW concerning having my own space, as well as seeing friends or family, which triggered her fears of abandonment and led to angry outbursts (to put it mildly!). Sure, like you I changed plans plenty of times, to the point that friends and family were complaining, because I was walking on eggshells in fear of an explosive reaction.  Yet I also stuck to my plans many times, though had to pay for it later.  It got to the point where I was willing to endure her rages because I was desperate to have my life back, which was the start of my disengaging . . . which ultimately led to separation and divorce.

Lucky Jim

[whtjusthappened]

 Clever, you sound young and inexperienced... .no offense just an observation.  You are being way too hard on yourself for not having told her you love her. There was something holding you back, and you were honoring your truth.  It does sound like she was putting up some major red flags, and you are just second-guessing the crap out of yourself.  You probably dodged a bullet.  Let it go for now, give it some time, and if this relationship is meant to happen, you will have another chance to engage her.  If two people are healthy, and meant to be together, eventually someone will make an overture, and then things can be re-evaluated.  Why do you feel this was irrevocable?

   

[cleverusername]

No doubt we all could probably have handled it better!  Yet most of us have no experience w/BPD when we come into the r/s, so it's all learning on the fly.

I had the same problems with my BPDxW concerning having my own space, as well as seeing friends or family, which triggered her fears of abandonment and led to angry outbursts (to put it mildly!). Sure, like you I changed plans plenty of times, to the point that friends and family were complaining, because I was walking on eggshells in fear of an explosive reaction.  Yet I also stuck to my plans many times, though had to pay for it later.  It got to the point where I was willing to endure her rages because I was desperate to have my life back, which was the start of my disengaging . . . which ultimately led to separation and divorce.

Lucky Jim

Yeah, I feel you there. I knew that I was going to have to set boundaries that she would not like with regards to spending more time with my friends and getting my life back. When I went on that vacation I knew that when I got back we were going to have to have a serious discussion about it, and really it probably wouldn't have gone well.

I guess it was really just a difference between us that may have been too much to deal with anyway. I have some friends that I never see anymore because they are almost always with their gf/fiancee and let her call the shots, and I really don't want to abandon all of my friends for a girl like that. I'm sure my ex and her new bf will probably be that way to a ridiculous degree.

[cleverusername]

Clever, you sound young and inexperienced... .no offense just an observation.  You are being way too hard on yourself for not having told her you love her. There was something holding you back, and you were honoring your truth.  It does sound like she was putting up some major red flags, and you are just second-guessing the crap out of yourself.  You probably dodged a bullet.  Let it go for now, give it some time, and if this relationship is meant to happen, you will have another chance to engage her.  If two people are healthy, and meant to be together, eventually someone will make an overture, and then things can be re-evaluated.  Why do you feel this was irrevocable?

   

Thanks what the heckjusthappened, that made me feel better! You're spot on with me being inexperienced (first gf) but I'm not that young unfortunately (27). You're right, it was her raging that was holding me back from telling her I loved her. Because I always felt like I was walking on eggshells I never had that "in love" feeling where all I wanted to do was be with her at all times. I knew that being with her was mostly good but could be miserable when she would rage for no good reason.

And you're probably right that I dodged a bullet and should let it go for now. Since she was my first girlfriend and I knew the relationship was so far from perfect I guess that experiencing relationships with other girls would be good for me. To be honest I actually said in the past that I wanted for the first girl I date to end up being someone I'm sure isn't right for me, so that I wouldn't end up marrying the first girl I date and always wondering if it was the right call or if there was a better match out there. But I've also realized that breakups are really difficult and I don't want to experience many, haha. And I have thoughts that it took me until 27 to get into a relationship and I don't know if/when my next opportunity will come.

I think that's a good way to think about it, that if the relationship is meant to happen then we will get another chance. I guess the reason I've started feeling like it's irrevocable is the recent situation where my ex found out that my sister called her crazy. She did tell me that she considers us to be on good terms still but it just had me a little worried that she didn't answer the last text I sent her. That was the one where I told her that my sister probably said those things because I told her about the breakup while I was upset and probably made it seem like it was all her fault, admitted that I made big mistakes, and asked her how she has been.

I feel like she may think I told my sister she was crazy (which I did, haha) and like it made me seem weak that I admitted to my mistakes I guess. I also didn't get a response about how she's been. But I guess it's still really early and we'll just have to see what happens down the road... .

[whtjusthappened]

Clever, you really are being way to hard on yourself.  Disagreements are part of every relationship, and while no one wants to be called "crazy," it won't bother you very much, if you aren't  actually crazy. She sounds very controlling and insecure, and it doesn't sound like there was anything wrong with your apology text whatsoever.  This does not sound like a healthy relationship, and it would probably be a good idea to for you to date some other people, so you can experience normalcy and see what that feels like.  Good luck.

[Infern0]

Cleverusername

Don't worry about being "inexperienced" anymore.  You are going to realise one day soon that you are now way better with women. Being with a BPD gives you an education into sex and the female mind that is worth about 10 "normal" relationships.

Also don't worry too much about recent disagreements,  they have impressive ability to "forget" the bad things if they come back

[goldylamont]

... .and while no one wants to be called "crazy," it won't bother you very much, if you aren't  actually crazy.

LMAO

[cleverusername]

Clever, you really are being way to hard on yourself.  Disagreements are part of every relationship, and while no one wants to be called "crazy," it won't bother you very much, if you aren't  actually crazy. She sounds very controlling and insecure, and it doesn't sound like there was anything wrong with your apology text whatsoever.  This does not sound like a healthy relationship, and it would probably be a good idea to for you to date some other people, so you can experience normalcy and see what that feels like.  Good luck.

Yeah, I agree with your there, I definitely need to see what dating some other people would be like. I'm working on it with online dating but it's going to be a slow process haha.

Cleverusername

Don't worry about being "inexperienced" anymore.  You are going to realise one day soon that you are now way better with women. Being with a BPD gives you an education into sex and the female mind that is worth about 10 "normal" relationships.

Also don't worry too much about recent disagreements,  they have impressive ability to "forget" the bad things if they come back

Yeah, I see how a BPD r/s could be worth about 10 "normal" relationships. I mean, I have basically been through 3 breakups now, haha, even though I've only had a relationship with one person. Being inexperienced with sex still worries me though. We only really started having sex in the final month of the relationship, so I still don't have much experience. I felt like I got decent at a one specific position haha, but besides that it's still going to make me nervous the next time it happens. Oh well, better than having no experience like I did prior to this crazy relationship!

And yeah, that's true about the ability to forget. She forgot that she had unfriended me on FB within a half hour of our of breaking up by text. I figured that's a pretty big thing that you would remember doing, but when we met to talk about things two weeks later she was like "I did?" She probably went into such a rage it put her in a fugue state or something. But yeah, we'll see.

[cleverusername]

... .and while no one wants to be called "crazy," it won't bother you very much, if you aren't  actually crazy.

LMAO

Haha, the problem is... .she actually is crazy.

[cleverusername]

Clever, you really are being way to hard on yourself.  Disagreements are part of every relationship, and while no one wants to be called "crazy," it won't bother you very much, if you aren't  actually crazy. She sounds very controlling and insecure, and it doesn't sound like there was anything wrong with your apology text whatsoever.  This does not sound like a healthy relationship, and it would probably be a good idea to for you to date some other people, so you can experience normalcy and see what that feels like.  Good luck.

Yeah, I agree with your there, I definitely need to see what dating some other people would be like. I'm working on it with online dating but it's going to be a slow process haha.

Well, I was in a stupidly optimistic mindset when I said I'm working on dating. I can't even get girls from online dating to go out with me when they initiate contact and who I'm barely attracted to based on their pictures (you know, the three or four best pictures that have ever been taken of them that make them look way better than they look in person). And if I do go out with them I know I'm just going to be used and they'll let me pay for the date without offering to split the bill or a word of appreciation (maybe this isn't all girls but from my experience it's been a solid 75% and the other 25% I'm usually not even attracted to).

I'm 27 and she's the only girl I've gotten past three dates (she paid more than I did for our first date by the way, the only time that's ever happened to me) or had sex with. My best friends and family don't even know that I was virgin before her (and I'm too embarrassed to tell them) and they just tell me I'll find someone eventually but they have no idea how difficult is for me. She is the only person who knows that about me, and now I can't even talk to her. I know that even if I find a girl who isn't horrible I won't be able to open up to her like I did with my ex (which I was only able to do because of her BPD and how they tell people intimate things about themselves way too early, so I felt comfortable telling her intimate things about myself). Normal girls aren't accepting of guys who were virgins until age 27 and barely know how to have sex. So I'll have to lie about my complete lack of dating/sexual history and feel like a complete fake for the entirety of the relationship, assuming one ever happens. It also makes me feel like complete crap that what I can't find for the life of me (a relationship) she seems to have found within days of our breakup (I haven't seen her FB page recently to be sure they're still together though).

I'm about 95% sure that my ex is/was my only chance. But now it seems like my sister has ruined any chance I may have had of getting her back by telling her friends she's crazy, and it really sucks because she had been acting friendly toward me before that. When I last texted her she said things were fine between us but she didn't reply when I told her that I know I made some big mistakes in the relationship and asked her how she's been (twice) and just stopped responding. I have no idea what to say now to get to a point where we can have some kind of dialogue.

Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can say to her to get her to at least have a conversation with me? For now I just want to get to a place where we can have friendly conversation like we used to when we were friends before the relationship. The only idea I can come up with is that I could tell her about an iPhone app I saw that made me think of her and could be useful (it basically scans a restaurant/bar beer list and gives you reviews for all of their beer). I don't feel like that will lead to a real conversation though... .

[Infern0]

A few things.

I know where you are coming from with the lack of sexual experience.  I was someone who moved around a lot when I was younger.  Also my first girlfriend had been raped several times and just never wanted to have sex. Ever. We were together for 2 happy years before I moved and we broke it off (we still keep in touch)

I got to mid 20s as a virgin and your like well what the heck do I do? Haha.

But look don't sweat it too much,  as long as your in good shape and know the basics you can get by. Or do what I did and tear your groin playing football so your girl has to go on top for 2 months.

Just trying to lighten the mood.

Look in regards to your ex your best method here is to leave her be. Honestly just go quiet.  Don't post anything on facebook don't text her,  nothing.

If she decides to come back is up to her. The illusion of action is what you have,  thinking you need to do something.

Best thing to do is work on yourself.  Get in the gym, keep yourself in shape,  get some new clothes.  Sort yourself out.

If she comes back you don't want to be a mess!

[cleverusername]

Wow, I didn't realize there are actually other people who had very little sexual experience that late in life. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one!

As far as my ex goes, I'm just nervous that if I go quiet I'll end up losing her as a friend, especially now that recent events (my sister telling her friends she's crazy) have put more strain on things. I really do want her in my life in some way.

I'm so confused right now, I don't even really know if I want her as more than a friend. I'll be thinking about how much I miss her, and then all of a sudden I'm thinking about how dysfunctional the relationship was and how a lot of things would have needed to change. And then I'll think about how no other girls I talk to or date show nearly as much interest as she did and how I crave that. I really don't like having to take control all the time in a relationship and it was nice to sit back and have her handle things a lot of the time. But then I realize that she was too extreme in that regard... .but then I think about how we could have communicated better and maybe worked things out so I could have gotten more space when I needed it. I don't know, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills... .

She also always said that she wants for a guy to fight for the relationship, and that makes it feel like I'm giving up if I just go NC and wait for her to come back, especially when I know things are strained between us now. It would have been a lot easier to go NC before when she was still being friendly, or I wouldn't have needed to go NC.

I also know that with the way she dates, if I'm not on her mind and we aren't on good terms she's just going to jump straight into something with another guy, likely within days/weeks of ending things with the current guy (if he's even still around). So there's kind of a sense of urgency there.

As far as working on myself, I'm actually doing that. I'm going to the gym more than ever, starting to get some new clothes, trying to buy a condo soon (just need to find the right place), etc. I'm really only a mess mentally, haha. I don't know how to stop it though. It's been almost three months and she's still the default thought that pops into my head when I don't have anything going on (and often when I do have others things going on). It's really messed up how when we were together I didn't tell her I loved her because I didn't feel like she was the first thing I thought of when waking up and last before going to sleep (I hear that's what happens when you're in love, haha), but now that she's gone that is completely true... .

[cleverusername]

So I've been talking to a couple girls online recently who seem really cool and I have a date set for this weekend, so I've been feeling better about my ex. At the same time, I do still care about her and truly want to be friends, so last night I thought I'd try reaching out. I FB messaged her a link to an iPhone app I knew she'd like and this morning she replied enthusiastically and said she'd definitely try the app (it takes a picture of a restaurants beer list and gives you ratings/reviews for them all). I replied back and said that "I can't even try it since it isn't out for Android yet haha, lame" and she viewed the message but didn't reply. I want to ask her how she's been but I wish she'd just be more conversational.

I don't really get why she doesn't seem to care to share what's going on in her life with me. It's not like I couldn't find out what she's up to on FB since we are friends, but I have unfollowed her so all I know is that my sister tells me she still seems to be dating my replacement. I also would have thought she'd maybe want to rub it in my face that she's seeing a new guy and how great things have been since the breakup, especially if I'm the one asking how she's been?

Unless maybe she wanted me to bring up the fact that I know she's with the new guy? I remember when her and I started dating (about the same circumstances, we met a week after the breakup) and when things about me started going up on her FB she told me her ex texted her and called her a slut. I guess she could be worried about getting that reaction from me but I would have done that already if that's what I was going to do, since she makes it clear that she's with him on FB.

I just wish I understood what's going on in her mind. I guess it's kind of pointless since it's tough to say what's going on in the mind of someone with a personality disorder but that doesn't make me want to know any less. Probably more really, haha.