Regret/Mistake I made with BPD sis

[beatup]

This happened a long while back...
At the end of my Dad's life, BPD sis flew in to help me with Dad's care. Its a long story of a week from hell that ended with her blasting me at the airport when she returned home.
Dad passed shortly after that on the day after Thanksgiving. Hubby & I flew up for the funeral & stayed a week with BPDsis & her hubby. That was the 1st week of Dec.
2-3 weeks later, sis wants me to come up 4 Christmas. Not only was I beside myself with grief but we had just made the 1500 mile flight for funeral. She said she needed me & that is where I should be.
I said no...it was too much for me at that time. She said that I was selfish(a frequent accusation) and after Christmas all hell broke loose.
In hindsight, I am thinking that maybe it was selfish & I should have toughed it out & gone for Christmas...It would not have changed the onslaught of horrible emails that came later but still I am thinking I should have gone. I am feeling regret about this decision...
This came to me after something I saw on TV. A mother lost her daughter & when the daughters birthday came she stayed at work away from the remaining family. One of her 2 sons said she should have been home with the family that day. She apologized.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi beatup, 

I sure can understand the grief you have gone through and the feelings of regret. Lots of water over the dam since then. I'm sorry that you still are feeling badly about it. Of course with the anniversary of your dad's death approaching and the holiday season that you feel you messed up...let's just say the pain has to be a sore place in your soul right now.

I've lost both of my parents now, so I understand the terrible grief and place of feeling lost, especially right after they died. You did what you needed to do to take care of you at that moment in time. We can't look ahead and see the future, and you had no way of knowing how your sister would be. I think it's important to know those things. You can go forward and make choices based on what you now know. It's not selfish to care for yourself, no matter what she says or thinks.

Would she be able to understand that you were taking care of you or is her BPD pretty bad? How would you word an apology or a communication with her? We are great to practice with if you decide to go that route.

 
Wools

[yamada]

this is about what she wants, not about your best interest.. I wouldn't want you under duress at anyone house. Take a xmas off and go somewhere.

[beatup]

Thank you ever so much for your kind reply. Woolspinner. No, my sis  does not understand me taking care of myself. In Jan. (not 2 months after losing Dad) she & I had a phone conversation & I got tearful...she said something like " I am no longer moved by your tears".
I have had a few of life's traumas & she expects me to get over it in about a week.
I am undecided on apology...I may still be holding on to the fact that she owes me so many apologies.

[Methuen]

I usually try really hard to be diplomatic, but here I'm going to be blunt:  you were not being selfish.  Based on what I read in your post, and reading a wee bit between the lines, you have probably heard many times that you are a selfish person.  Otherwise why would you question yourself, and even consider that saying no to going at Christmas was "selfish"?  That idea that you are selfish has been a message you have heard repeatedly, and the danger is that you start to believe it.  No.  That kind of message is emotional abuse.  We have all had to decline invitations at different times (to visit, for dinners, or for holidays).  If we have reasons to decline, a healthy person will be disappointed, and express regret, but will respect our decision, and accept that we have declined the invitation.  An unhealthy person will get angry and strike back because we are not available to meet their need.  Have you ever had to decline an invitation with a friend, or work colleague?  Do they tell you that you are selfish?  Just because your sister tells you this doesn't make it true.  She can also say that elephants are pink, but saying it does not make it a fact.  Elephants aren't pink.  Likewise, you are not selfish because she says it.  Do NOT buy into that.  Big big red flag.

Instead of feeling the regret, ask yourself why are you feeling regret?  What words does she use to make you feel that?  How do those words sound when she says them?  Why does she have that power to make you feel like that?  What can you do to protect yourself from that?

Healthy relationships make both parties stronger.  It seems to me that she is attempting to make you weaker, and use her power over you to manipulate you into meeting her needs.

Declining the Christmas invitation to process your own grief is not only reasonable, but is a healthy response to look after yourself.  To me, that is the decision of a healthier person than she sounds.  Don't let her need for drama take you down.  And don't let her take up too much real estate inside your head.

If you apologize for looking after your own well-being, that sets a really bad precedent for future interactions with her, and you are giving her all kinds of power to behave in more of the same ways in the future. 

Thoughts?

Lastly, my condolences for the loss of your father, and all that went with that.  The first year anniversaries are really tough.  My dad passed almost 16 years ago (after Christmas), and I still miss him.  Now that I understand my mom has BPD, I can appreciate more about the challenges in his life with her.  I wish I could talk with him.

Take care of yourself.  Your sister is an adult.  Let her take care of herself.  It is not your job to be her caretaker, or accept the negative things she says about you as being true.

[Notwendy]

Methuen has some wise words. My BPD mother has called me selfish several times. Her evidence is that as a small child, I didn't want to share my cookie with a sibling. Well- what small child wants to give up their cookie? None I have known. Just give each child their own cookie.

Define selfish: lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

I doubt that describes any of us here. If anything, we've been overly concerned about the feelings of others before considering our selves.

Working on co-dependency, I had to learn that it is OK to also be considerate to ourselves. In my family, the main focus was on my BPD mother's feelings and needs.

My father is also deceased and during the time of his passing, there was a lot of drama. He had an illness before he died and I made several trips to try to help out. I recall one time I had just gotten home from visiting and BPD mom called me to come quick, as he wasn't doing well. So I jumped back in the car and went back. Yes, he was having some issues but the home nurse was there and she took care of it. He was in good hands. For the visits, he was in the hospital. So his needs were taken care of. I was also there to help out and of course visited at the hospital, but the main aspect of ,my visit was being home alone with BPD mom. I understand she was stressed but her BPD behavior was overwhelming- verbal and emotional abuse, ordering me around. I then understood that my being there may have given Dad peace of mind that BPD mom was not left alone, but I was also underqualified to manage her mental health issues. I am not a professional in that field.

I also have my own family to take care of. I can not come at a moments notice. I had to make arrangements for someone to take care of my children. They were not babies at the time- but still, someone had to drive to sports games, make sure homework was done, meals and supervision after school.

So, I had to step back and take care of myself and my family.

That was unacceptable to BPD mom. She still continues to tell people how much I let them down at this time. What I realize is that no matter how much I do or agree to do, BPD mother will focus on any time I said no.

The Karpman triangle has helped me to understand the dynamics in my family. My BPD mother perceives things from victim perspective. She perceives her immediate family through the times she thinks we hurt her. Yes, it is disappointing to hear a "no" for anyone. Yet, when we hear a "no" we might feel sad or disappointed but we also put that into perspective of the whole of the relationship.

Perhaps your sister wanted consolation at that time, but you had your own grief. I did too. One thing that is known is that, if a person is in their own emotional distress or need, they aren't able to give as much support to someone else. They need to take care of their own needs first. You know they tell people to put their own oxygen mask on before helping others ( hope that is never needed) but it's an analogy for these situations. We aren't just allowed to take care of ourselves. It's a necessity.

Reasonable people also will forgive a person who may have hurt their feelings if the person explains or apologizes. Not visiting for Christmas is not the crime of the century, even if your BPD sister acts like it is.

We do grieve the loss of relationships and long for repair- if it is possible. However, we can't change a person's disordered thinking. It takes two to have a relationship. We are human. People do mess up some times or hurt each other's feelings but this needs to be considered in context of the whole relationship. Emotionally healthy people resolve these situations. One Christmas does not negate the whole of the good times together.

I hope you can see you did nothing wrong, and if you did, it was a forgivable thing. Forgive yourself. You are human. Grief is different. It doesn't involve shame or regret. I still miss my father but I do not agree with my mother's interpretations of me. I didn't know much about BPD family dynamics at the time of his passing. If I did, I know I would have handled some issues better than I did at the time, but we only know what we know. But I know I had good intentions and how my parents chose to perceive that doesn't change what I know. You know your truth, and your sister's thinking does not define who you are.

[Methuen]

I forgot to mention that uBPD mom has called me selfish too.  Always when  I can’t do something she wants.  I’ll bet every person on this forum has been called selfish by their pwBPD.  You are not alone.  And we are not selfish.  When they call us selfish, their disease is at work.  The danger is when we accept their distorted thinking.  Don’t allow yourself to get pulled into that abyss.  You were not being selfish for processing your own grief and managing your own wellness.  You were being responsible.  She on the other hand sounds like she was being self serving (selfish) by not giving you space to recover from your own trauma of the event.  Where was her empathy for you?

Can you see that you were not being selfish?

[beatup]

Wow, I thank all who have taken the time to respond to my feelings. I do suspect it is the approaching holidays that have triggered these feelings. I needed a better understanding of the selfish accusation & I thank you for that. It is amazing to me that the hurt & grief never really goes away. It can resurface at any time. I have been having trouble sleeping, its like a nagging pain, I couldn't shake it...I knew where to come with it. I can say one thing, the anger has subsided with time & I mostly feel sorry for my uBPD sis.
 Thanks again for being with me.