Would appreciate Advice from parents of BPD on how to weather the storms...

[Roseglow]

Hi, new to the group.  I have a 30 year old daughter with BPD. Her whole life she has struggled with emotional regulation, but since she has been 18 yrs old things have really escalated.
What I struggle with is her rages, her lack of emtional empathy, she will have a major meltdown and then becoming incommunicative for long periods of time.  I am trying to set up clear,; gentle boundaries but she accuses me of not respecting her, that her trust in me has dissolved, etc.
Being a parent to a BPD child is a constant walk of guilt and nothing seems ever good enouigh.  The books on the website have helped, but there is little help in the community.  When you read that even psychiatrists don't want to treat these individuals, or that they can only manage one at a time, the future seems bleak.
Any words fo wisdom would be appreciated ...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Roseglow.  Does your daughter live with you currently? 
I discovered the best way to take care of an adult BPD child is to take care of me first.  You are just as important as she is and you are correct in establishing boundaries because she won't be able to.  We all share your frustration about mental health services ( or lack thereof) and the inability to get adult children help unless they are aware they want/need help.   Some good news is that more current  studies show psychotherapy can help if the adult BPD chooses to get help.  Please continue to write back to us, we are glad to hear from you.

[Roseglow]

Swimmy you are so kind.  Thank you for your support over the waves~~
Our problem is that we haven't even talked with her re that she might have BPD. She was diagnosed with BiPolar II ten years ago, but often there can be several diagnosis. After reading this wonderful comprehensive site on Bp Central, including the DSM criteria, both my husband and myself are sure she had BPD.  The label isn't important, except that the Rx for the 2 different disgnosis can be totally different.  I wonder why dialectic therapy is so hard to find...
On a postive note, some of the Info on this site says by the time your child reaches their fourth of fifth decade of life, they have often realized that their coping skills havent worked out so well, so moderate their behavior. Not sure I will live that long to see...:~(

[Swimmy55]

Hi Rose,
 It is very common for BPD and BPD traits co exist with other mental illnesses.  Your analysis of not living to see our BPD get better may  be true. Their course of our adult children's illnesses are going to follow their own course just as how the adult BPD chooses to cope with them.  It is frustrating and heartbreaking that we have no control over this.  However, we parents  must  remember we have control over us and our own lives.  That is hard to hear, I know.   
Your joining this forum is a good first step.  .  It is also good you are finding out information about BPD.  I also  have had to consider the source of info on the internet, as there  is a lot of false info and stigma as well.  Keep up your boundaries with your daughter .   I can't speak to DBT but maybe others can ( my adult son is therapy resistant so I never had the chance.).  However , willingness of the patient to seek out help goes a long way towards any therapy.   Please keep on sharing with us .

[Roseglow]

Here's a Poem that resonated with me... not that we have to completely "Let Go" but the Importance of Boundaries and Self  Care. Author is Erin Hanson

By Erin Hanson

I was the type of person,
That held onto things too tight,
Unable to release my grip,
When it no longer felt right,
And although it gave me blisters,
And my fingers would all ache,
I always thought that holding on,
Was worth the pain it takes,
I used to think in losing things,
I’d lose part of me too,
That slowly I’d become someone,
My heart no longer knew,
Then one day something happened,
I dropped what I had once held dear,
But my soul became much lighter,
Instead of filled with fear,
And it taught my heart that some things,
Aren’t meant to last for long,
They arrive to teach you lessons,
And then continue on,
You don’t have to cling to people,
Who no longer make you smile,
Or do something you’ve come to hate,
If it isn’t worth your while,
That sometimes the thing you’re fighting for,
Isn’t worth the cost,
And not everything you ever lose,   
Is bound to be a loss.

[Swimmy55]

Thank you for this.   It is very thought provoking...