Minor sister with BPD (intro post)

[is4ys]

Hopefully this is not too long or too detailed for this forum, I am mostly trying to establish a timeline for myself, since this has all been very muddled.

My sister is 17. I’m 22. When she was younger, she seemed well-adjusted, popular, smart enough to get good grades without trying. It was very important to her to be in the in-group of wherever she was- which is fair- so she decided to do an extremely rigorous high school program in order to be part of this “elite crowd.”

Over the last four years it’s become apparent that she didn’t have the skills to keep up with it. I can’t blame her for that since my own high school years were academically rocky as well, but the strain appeared to make her nasty and hard to be around. She and my parents were arguing all the time. She started trying to “run away” (to a park for a few hours, or a homeless shelter).

However, the trouble really started when she joined this color guard team at her school- like she switched group allegiance or something. I guess her behavior caused her friends to distance themselves from her. Then her behavior turned violent, destroying things, breaking my mom’s nose, trying to get my younger brother (a foster child then) thrown back into the system. That culminated last October with her having a meltdown at school, attacking my father in public, and being arrested. After she was released, she stole some credit cards and ran away, leaving a suicide note, but police found her sleeping at the college library a few days later.

We found out during this time she developed an obsession and a quasi-romantic relationship with this gay guy on her team, who had been graciously fielding her mental breakdowns for some time. He sent my parents some of the things she had written to him- incoherent, manipulative rambles where she claimed to be cutting herself (although several hospital exams later and no one has seen any evidence of this) and to be bisexual (her description of which strikes me, a lesbian, as very odd if not fabricated entirely).

After she was apprehended, the cycle went: baker acted, released, destructive behavior, repeat. My parents kept bringing her back home, where they have young children who would then be privy to her outbursts. I was living at home at the time, and she ended up stealing my car and driving it (without a license) to a city three hours away.

My parents ended up putting her in inpatient treatment that was several months long (where she was diagnosed with BPD) but once she was out of my parents’ house it suddenly became very easy to control her behavior and to say the things that a therapist would want to hear. Since being released from that program, the cycle has repeated itself once more, and she is currently living at home again, while I’ve moved out and am living with my SO.

I feel terrible about leaving, and my parents were upset by it, but I genuinely feel like I’m in harm’s way by being in her vicinity- esp lately, since she’s become prone to saying that she’s going to kill [someone] in their sleep or set the house on fire. But my parents- mother- are also constantly pressuring me to reconsider my relationship/moving home or implying that I’m in some way responsible for not being close with her as kids. Additionally, I want to be close with my younger brothers (3 and 6), but being close with them means putting myself in close quarters with my sister, and I am sick of having to pull my dresser in front of my door at night so she doesn’t steal my keys or potentially murder me. My parents also want my gf to visit, who can’t because of her PTSD from a similar childhood situation, on top of the more obvious reasons.

I feel guilty for thinking this, but her 18th birthday is in a month and a half, and I find myself waiting for that date to pass so that when she attacks someone, there might actually be consequences to her behavior. I know that something terrible will happen to her if she, an unlikable and deeply privileged teen girl with no skills, runs away, but she’s been offered the kind of help other mentally ill people only dream of and doesn’t seem to have done anything with it. I'm not really sure what her options are at this point- which means, I don't know what options anyone else has except to cut her off (which my parents won't do), keep paying for her expensive inpatient therapy (which she regards as a kind of vacation), or keep putting up with it.

[Turkish]

That's a lot of guilt to lay on you, or anybody. Though I can understand not wanting to abandon their child, you and the other children should be protected, especially your younger siblings.

Is there no talking to your sister at all on your side? Or is she somewhat stable enough to talk to sometimes?

[is4ys]

That's a lot of guilt to lay on you, or anybody. Though I can understand not wanting to abandon their child, you and the other children should be protected, especially your younger siblings.

Is there no talking to your sister at all on your side? Or is she somewhat stable enough to talk to sometimes?

She isn't in a rage all the time, but she's hard to talk to otherwise because of her entitlement issues.

[Turkish]

That's a lot of guilt to lay on you, or anybody. Though I can understand not wanting to abandon their child, you and the other children should be protected, especially your younger siblings.

Is there no talking to your sister at all on your side? Or is she somewhat stable enough to talk to sometimes?

She isn't in a rage all the time, but she's hard to talk to otherwise because of her entitlement issues.

Queen?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Though written for children of BPD mothers, the book referenced therein helped me understand my Ex. These behaviors also apply to men with BPD.

It's hard to say what happened with your sis, though you gave a good history. We have communication tools which can help reduce conflict as well. Asserting boundaries with any pwBPD (person with BPD) may be tough, but they are necessary (and it's necessary to be consistent). Your parents seem to be feeding this by enabling, would you say?

Maybe this can help to start.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

All in all, I'm glad you're safe, but it also must be frustrating to be on the receiving end of guilt, as if you are responsible for her (you are not).

Being wrapped up in the dynamic of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt is tough, and it's necessary to assert your boundaries with your parents as well, as you have been doing. I'm sorry that they are doing that. 

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Turkish

[.cup.car]

OP sounds like a decent gal. So advice will be easy for her to follow.

1. Don't let your parents get pushed around by her. They won't magically stop defending her when she turns 18. Hold her accountable for her actions.

2. The gay guy is your biggest asset. If he's willing to provide you guys with the information he's passed along, use this to your advantage. I've actually been in his shoes to some extent - he truly cares, so be thankful for his support and use it when you can.