Paying the price for breaking NC. Ugh.

[Karmachameleon]

I have two pwBPD that I talk about on here.  My exh (divorced almost 4 years) and my exbf (together 3 years, broken up for 2 months).  Both are painting me white at the moment by some sick twist of fate and it is causing me extreme depression and anxiety.  I do not initiate any contact with either of them, although I have LC with my exh because of our S8 who has special needs.  Anyway, my exbf started texting me and calling me on Friday and I didn't respond but he kept on and kept on.  Finally on Saturday I broke down and texted back, "Why are you contacting me?  I'm just a whore and a piece of garbage." (that's what he had been saying to me when we broke up.)  He sent this long elaborate text about how he could never mean those things about me, he was just upset and hurt, but he loves me and loves my son and he misses us so much and he would give anything to go back in time and have his best friend and his dream girl and his sweet little boy (this is not his child), but he guesses it will just be someone else's privilege now and he is so sorry and I will never know how much he loved us.  Now, I have to remember that when we broke up he told me I was a terrible mother and it was my fault my son was "retarded" and nobody will ever love us like he did.  As he was screaming at me on the phone I said, "He can hear you yelling at me." and he said, "Good!  Put him on the ___ing phone so I can tell him what a whore you are!"  I hung up, of course.  He doesn't seem to recall this or else he thinks it was justified and I deserved it.  He now lives 2 hours away with his family.  I figured he would find a new girl to latch on to.  I don't know what he thinks could possibly happen at this point and what his motivation is to engage me like this.  But the experience has sent me straight back into my hole.  I am sick over it.  I was feeling better and strong.  Now I am back to crying and questioning everything.  My brain thinks that I love him.  I get really mad at myself.  And of course, I had a friend tonight say, "You could have anyone you want.  Just forget about him.  He's a loser."  No, I can't have anyone I want.  I want him only not crazy.  That's obviously not going to happen.  I have my first T appointment on Thursday.  Wish me luck.

[LettingGo14]

I am sick over it.  I was feeling better and strong.  Now I am back to crying and questioning everything.  My brain thinks that I love him.  I get really mad at myself.  And of course, I had a friend tonight say, "You could have anyone you want.  Just forget about him.  He's a loser."  No, I can't have anyone I want.  I want him only not crazy.  That's obviously not going to happen.  I have my first T appointment on Thursday.  Wish me luck.

I am sorry you are suffering, Karmachameleon.   There is a fundamental abuse at the heart of so many of our former relationships, which really does traumatize us.   This thread on the FOG reminded me time and again why Fear, Obligation, and Guilt constitute "emotional blackmail."

What it means to be in the FOG

Sending you good thoughts, and much props for reaching out to a T.

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi Karma -  My exBF used to say the most horrific things to me when he was in one of his rages.  He said the sweetest things when he wanted to get back together.  I also want him, only not crazy.    And I get angry and frustrated with myself for not being able to move through this pain.  I'm so very sick and tired of feeling this way.  Good for you for making an appointment with a therapist.  I hope they can help you sort through all of this.  I've barely survived one BPD relationship.  I can't imagine going through two.