She wants a divorce... why don't I?

[vboy]

My wife of 10 years is committed to a divorce. I have suffered to be with her for the sake of our family. Things are so out of control that I am starting to think I have what she projecting on me. I keep going over my own mental inventory of what I have suffered at her illnesses hand. I stay for the sake of the children and that its not her fault she is with this illness. Under it all she is a sweet and wonderful women. But now she is insisting on a divorce and even though she had not filed yet, it seem to be her mission rather than fighting to keep it together. I have to accept the fact that even though her reasons are baseless, they are her truth, and she wants a divorce. yet I still hang in there. In truth I should be dancing for joy, counting the days to my freedom! Why would I or anyone want to suffer this?  But I see how our children suffer with idea, it breaks my heart. Also to think of the aftermath, what a tragic mess. There seems to be little hope, dreams shattered and a broken home appear to be on the menu of life.

When I think that somehow she will "get it" and everything will be ok, I remind myself that she has "gotten it" before, yet we return to the same place we started all over again... . So why do I hang in there so hard?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MockingbirdHL]

Great question. I ask myself the same thing often.  My uBPDh of ONLY ONE YEAR decides that perhaps the first thing he will say to me in FIVE DAYS after our first anniversary is "I think I want a divorce."

You THINK?  You T.H.I.N.K. ?

Wait, you're SO CERTAIN that I'm cheating (I'm not), I'm lying (I'm not) and I'm hiding things from you (I'm not) but you only THINK you want a divorce? 

Here's something - I KNOW I don't want one. I KNOW I love you and want to work through this with you. I'll suffer through the mood swings. When you're happy, EVERYONE has to be happy!  But when you're upset, NOBODY has that right but you. I'll listen to you tell me how I'm a compulsive liar, so full of S*** that I don't know up from down. I'll endure you calling my professional integrity into question. I'll watch you defend ANYONE but me. I'll stand by when you twist the truth, take things out of context and collect your "evidence".  I'll make sure you're comfortable at others expense. I'll wait while you rage, internalize, process, and ignore me.

But YOU'RE the one that doesn't know if they can go on living like this?

I've stood by you through all this and more. I've forgiven you over and over. I've defended you to the ends of the earth.

But you're leaving ME?

[Grey Kitty]

vboy, good to see you found this board... .  but sorry to see you sounding so nearly hopeless today.

You will find that reading "The Lessons" which are in the right sidebar (on the staying board here) has a lot of great material for you. I recommend you work your way through them as you find time.

People here on the "Staying" board have found that the tools we use really do improve our quality of life in our r/s with our pwBPD. You will too as you learn how to use them.

Meanwhile, what is gong on with your wife right now?

Does she bring up divorce every time she talks to you?

Is she talking to you? Or giving you the silent treatment?

Does she rage at you?

How are you coping with it?

[vboy]

First before I go into my answers to my new friend Grey Kitty, I would like to empathize with Mockingbird and share your pain and frustration.  I feel it. You have a right to feel how you do. Perhaps in my answer to Grey Kitty you will find something that will speak to you and make you feel better. I am so sorry for your pain and suffering.

Hello Grey Kitty,

Thank you again for holding my hand as I begin my new journey through this wonderful support group. No one wants to feel they are alone and we all can use a helping hand.

To answer your questions:

She is still, committed to her path, yet she doesn't talk about divorce directly. I have been working with our Rabbi and he has organized a meeting with my wifes best friend (who understands the situation), our social worker, another friend of ours, who has taken the role as moral supporter for my wife (she is just being a support, but not trying to be judgmental. This is because my wife feels like everyone is against her, in reality they are also against her illness, but love her.   so this kind friend has decided to be on her side, just for support so she is not alone.)

We are doing everything we can to avoid this seeming disaster. A divorce would be very hard on my wife, but she can't see it now. While the 'team" is not getting our hopes up, we will keep trying to the end.

She is talking to me, sometimes nicely, sometimes hostile, but only if she has to. She mostly acts if I don't exist. In a way, it is easier for me, since conversation can be tricky. Tt bounces back and forth as to be expected.

I am working on being appreciative without expectations and disassociating with her problems. Just let her do what she does, rage, be nice, wants a divorce, etc... .  I am working on personal freedom within my current situation. My challenge now is, how to effectively parent my children in her presence, since if I do something she will not agree with and respond to her what would be termed as in a normal relationship as a discussional tone, she will take it as an assault and as verbal abuse. So I am looking to learn how to get things done without it turning into a stressful situation for the children, her or myself. No easy task. I will be meeting with our psychologist today to see what he says. I am sure there is something here that will help me as well.

True yesterday I was feeling the pains of this war on her illness that is attacking us, but, that was yesterday! Today, I am back and feeling ready to march onward, with a smile on my face and words of gratitude on my lips. I don't have to worry about tomorrow either. Since I decided to let go, at least for the moment, I am happy.  How long I can be in this state, who knows, that's not what's important. What is important for me to know is... .  even through all this... .  I can be happy.

[VeryFree]

Sorry to hear you’re going through things like a lot of us have.

Besides taking personal inventory and trying your best for your r/s, I would advice you to quickly arrange some things for yourself (and your kids) before the situation goes out of control.

My stbBPDxw was planning the divorce for months, without me knowing. Her behaviour became worse by the day. After she had told me she wanted a divorce and I made clear I didn’t want to, but wanted to fight for us (I started T, with the ultimate goal to attend it together), things became even worse. Ending with her attacking me and calling the cops on me…

No situation is alike, but when you read on these boards you’ll see that in this fase of a r/s things CAN escalate. Be prepared, but don’t let your SO know you’re preparing.

Take care of yourself.

[vboy]

Good advice! I am sorry that it had to come from a painful place. Thank you for your support!

[dickL]

vboy , uBPDw of 35yrs has had many sexual partners over the years and has runaway twice the last 3 years to her " soulmate ",

3rd try w/him 1000 mi away w/nc.  first time in 2010 i filed for divorce . have adult mentally handicapped 25yr old s living w/us, divorcing will finacially force us to sell our home . he has ocd also and his T and my T , she refuses pro-help  . i love her and till i got here i learned how poorly i have handled her rages , silent treatment, her repeated promiscuity . she says hates me. i love her , she's an intelligent , talented and attractive woman, mother of our son. i dropped the divorce and she was furious . life got much worse. 2011 i file for dissolution . i was desparate to end a nightmare at any cost, even losing home. i went to final hearing and she didn't show and it was dropped. i decided to stick and get her help . i found this site and it opened my eyes about what this is and how to handle it . she decided staying married would finanancially be better for her and she could run away and have a home for a refuge or force a sale for $. i texted her at the boyfriends , she has me blocked, and told her come home when she could be honest w/herself and we loved her. her only " supporters" adhere to her denial and encouraged her promiscuous life as a release from the husband. i am trying to learn tools to deal w/her, i'm sure she'll return someday. she's had many true loves , none worked they dumped her. i have previously demanded she quit chasing men , didn't work. i've learned its part of her illness, the hyper need for attention and a daddy not morally deviant. it's a long tough road ahead for us and maybe we can move forward to relationships that are more healthy for all.

[vboy]

Dikl, my heart goes out to you. You have been through hell. It's hard to disconnect and move on. After reading your story, I don't think anyone would blame you for moving on. You deserve to be in a respectful marriage. Funny thing is we have gotten so used to this life, we forget what its like to be normal. Keep your chin up, good things are coming your way!

[NewWays]

V... .  

As others have voiced... .  I am sorry for the road you are having to travel.  We all enter into this site with what seems to be an overwhelming amount of roadblocks and barriers to what we thought at some point was going to be a "normal" relationship for us and our spouse.

Since being diagnosed, my dBPDw has refused to seek help... .  and the 2 or 3 couples sessions that she attended had no real value because they did not even begin to realistically address the problem/s many of which were how a BPD spouse can behave in a relationship or marriage.

The individual session she had with one of the top Dr.'s in the field at a major midwest medical school tried to start her out on the 1st rung of the therapy path... .  from what she shared with me it was to be some CBT and DBT with some initial meds to stablize some cormorbidity of severe panic and anxiety that was seeming to worsen her actions when it was out of control to turbo charge her hyper reactivity and flash second movement to anger and rage.  After less than three weeks of meds she decided her highly regarded therapist did not know what he was doing, and proclaimed that the meds she was taking after a few weeks of taking had clearly no impact other than some side effects and were worthless and discarded.

My path is self discovery and healing is with a therapist that specializes in areas such as DBT and BPD.  What I have learned that my expectation that my dBPDw to behave in a "normal" manner is a very unrealistic expectation.  Took me through a review of in my case, what my dBPDw had been through in childhood and the damage it causes and becomes one of the factors that incubates and then may most often lead to BPD.

My therapist has outlined that while there is no absolute agreement or consensus as to the cause of BPD, many professionals in the field agree that there is an environmental side and that many people that suffer from BPD share on key factor in particular - abandonment.  This can be physical, emotional or both and in my situation the impact of both areas has clearly been a part of childhood of my dBPDw.

Not until we painfully went through the specifics did a really understand how much her childhood environment must have caused so much serious and wide spread damage.

We discussed many of her family of origin situations, but I recall a couple of very painful elements we discussed that literally had me begin to cry when I realized what pain and serious emotional destruction she has been forced to endure... .  along with what impact this had injected by no choice of either of us into our marriage and now our divorce were hugh pieces of what I needed to understand about this serious disease to really understand and help me start my path.  One of the points we examined included her exposure to an insufficient bonding with a primary caretaker, particularly her mother that my dBPDw had revealed early on before we married that her mother was always absent trying to shield the children from the alcoholic, iv drug abuse and gambling addicted father who was also never physically there!  My therapist made it clear to me that in many cases there may also had been sexual abuse during times Fathers in this situation feel it within their right to take their daughter to their gambling, drinking and iv drug use sessions with their buddies and resulted in the abuse.

This was one of the most painful and emotional sessions I have had but I needed it to better understand and help me heal.  So the resources here can help you better understand some of the things that may have impacted why you, and your wife are where you are at right now and interacting and behaving the way you are.  This learing for me that many, but not all BPD individuals experieced emotional, verbal, physical and sexual abuse... .  and as adults they replay some and/or all what they were exposed to or learned as a small child.

So I tell you this to share with you the path I've been on to be at the place I am currently at, but to also help you better understand like I needed to understand... .  that staying and hanging in there hoping for improvement and resolution of the relationship or marriage issues is a path that has a very important requirement of duality.  That is... .  each of you can not fix the problems of both of you and the marriage and at the end of the day... .  you both... .  have to want, to want to make your marriage better and individually first take the necessary to work on and improve the items that relate to just you... .  before you move down a path to try and address and improve the areas in front of you that are related to you as a couple.

So I would start each day and think... .  today is going to be the day that she gets it and everything will be ok... .  not fully understanding what such an outcome would in fact, require from both of us individually and jointly to actually carry out via the very necessary self-assessment of each of our personal inventories and some very comprehensive and long term therapy individually and jointly for both of us.

We all do the best that we can do... .  and hope for the best with Gods will and help both to find their way back.

I wish you peach on your path.

mrrlk

[dickL]

uBPDw found thru meditation about 3yrs ago she had been sexually molested by her older brother at age 4 repressed for 50yrs  . at age 14, out of control, she was having sex with older men and her parents condoned the same brother to beat her. in years of therapy( i wasn't included, should should have been) she wasn't aware of the sexual abuse and probably less than honest w/T. she has seen crisis T after suicide attempt couple yrs ago from bokenheart after failed relationship w recent boyfriend. T told her running away was a fantasy. she left furious, w T as insensitive and unprofessional . put on anti-depressants briefly but felt they as well as therapy in general were worthless. she tries to deal w uBPD with self help books and tv help shows, didn't work. refuses further counseling ran away month ago, nc, back to her soulmate in texas,their 3rd try. both still married . her environment there is not healthy , another dysfunctional family w 4,drug,criminal records,violence. it will blow and she'll be back.  i am trying to learn tools and understand how to react to rages of verbal abuse making me angry. my reactions have been exact opposite of what was needed. i want to learn to become a care giver not a critic.

[vboy]

You know I am starting to wonder if hanging in there is a weakness. What do you think?

[Mono No Aware]

You know I am starting to wonder if hanging in there is a weakness. What do you think?

Strengths and Weakness are viewpoints, right? Then view it as a Strength.

I know that all my soon-to-be-diagnosed BPDw's weekly or daily or monthly demands for divorce are merely a symptom of the disorder. When she's not dysregulated she's 100% sticking with me, but when the splitting times come I'm conveniently the source of all her problems.

Don't buy into her Mood Dependent Reality! Stick to your Strength, bend like the reed in the wind but do not break.

[NewWays]

V... .  

No not a weakness, not at all.  You need to do what you think is right.  You need to understand what all your options are... .  and what each option will require from you and your wife!

Either way you choose, you did not choose this situation, but it will be up to you and your wife to decide how you will solve it or not solve it.

Do not short change yourself or your wife.  Search around for Dr. Marsha Linehan... .  founder of DBT.  When she was growing up in Tulsa, OK she was hospitalized for two years in a psyc hospital in Conn.  She found her way back... .  read her story... .  she was a severe BPD and as you will see, is a success story for all on this site to celebrate!

I wish you peace as you follow your path. 

mrrlk

[Grey Kitty]

You know I am starting to wonder if hanging in there is a weakness. What do you think?

I think that hanging in (staying in a relationship with lots of conflict) is a behavior, not a strength or a weakness.

You can stay because you are strong, you care about people and relationships, and you genuinely want to make that little corner of the world a better place, and are trying to learn how to improve things and resolve the conflicts constructively.

You can stay because you are feeling powerless, unable to leave, couldn't survive without the other person, and are sacrificing all that you love about yourself for this other person.

My marriage is much better today. My wife is much better today. I'm glad I found the strength to stay when I needed it a year or two ago.

I think I also realized that I wanted to live well and feel good about myself more than I wanted to stay. So I was willing to enforce some boundaries which were difficult for my wife. I was willing to risk that she might decide to leave. I wanted to stay and I was willing to work hard to get through difficult things, but I wasn't willing to do it at ANY cost to myself.