Supporting my UexBPDgf

[simpleman]

Hello All,

I am 1 month out of a 7 month relationship with my UexBPDgf.  I left 2.5 months ago and we recycled a few days later.  This time when I left I did it with the attitude of this is it, go NC, and spent all my time on the leaving board.  I reached a point where the raging and control just wore me down to the point where I felt like I was going to emotionally and physically die.  I had been alienated from my three children - two of which have disabilities and really need my support.  *Very important.  I am a rescuer/caretaker/codependent and did NOT set boundaries so that part is on me.  We were deeply enmeshed and I would have done anything to keep the relationship going.  Except die I guess.

I can't go completely NC because we work in the same building and have to interact some.

Since the breakup she has been pretty cold to me.  She has been coming to my area more than usual to act like she is the happiest person on earth and has started spending time with a guy who has had a crush on her.  She is just showing me that she is interacting with him again I don't think anything romantic would ever happen.  While we were together she despised him.  So all that hurts pretty bad but I am trying to see it for what it is.

I saw her at a retirement party 2 days ago and she said hi to me for the first time.  As I left the party we made eye contact one more time and she looked soo sad and broken.

I have always had a problem with the concept of NC.  After all this is a person with an illness.  Heck so am I (well controlled Bipolar Disorder). She should not be just shut off after all we felt together and said to each other.  I understand the idealization and the splitting and how the relationship evolved but the thing about it is she had a good awareness of some of what was going on.  She realized that she saw things in black and white, etc.  I see potential there.  We had been trying therapy but it was all about how I was triggering her.  So the focus was never on her illness.  Again, undiagnosed.

So where I am at is I think it would be wrong to just shut her off.  I would like the opportunity to tell her that she has BPD and how I saw that in the relationship (I have researched a ton and can see how it all fit).  I will not approach her with that but if she approached me to say, want to talk about what happened or if she shows signs of wanting to get back together, then I would offer to share.

There is no way I could recycle at this point.  I am still too damaged and am seeing a T 2Xweek to work on that. And I need codependency work.  But I would be open to her working on herself and me working on myself apart and then see what happens.  If we did that I would want to stipulate that we don't date other people.  Maybe that is not fair but that is a big one to me.

So am I crazy?  Could something like that possibly work?

Thanks so much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hello simpleman,

from what you wrote it sounds like you still would like to have a relationship with her-

One idea is that this could be a relationship of a different more a friendship/coaching kind. There are significant draw-backs and risks:

It is not easy to change the character of a relationship and it takes two mature people to do so well. A pwBPD almost by definition lacks maturity. Also there is a risk that you take a position of a T without being one. To simply coach her you are lacking the necessary distance. Last but not least by continuing to be semi close you prevent both sides to detach and heal.



It is generally considered a bad idea to tell the pwBPD that they are dealing with BPD. From the place you are at the moment the message may well do more damage as it has potential to do good.

There is no way I could recycle at this point.  I am still too damaged and am seeing a T 2Xweek to work on that. And I need codependency work.  But I would be open to her working on herself and me working on myself apart and then see what happens.  If we did that I would want to stipulate that we don't date other people.  Maybe that is not fair but that is a big one to me.

And for that very reason helping her will be detrimental to you. You need to put yourself first at this time. Once you are in a place where you are comfortable with putting yourself first you may have other options with her or other partners.

So am I crazy?  Could something like that possibly work?

No, but breaking up a BPD relationship is painful and some level of depression with twisted thinking is common (see LESSONS on on the Leaving board). Unlikely it will work, likely it leads to prolonged pain and drama extended to the workplace. But if want to be sure ask your T.

The way I see it there are two options:

A) Recycling. Then you are in a relationship and can work within the framework of the LESSONS of the Staying board.

B) Working on detaching (see LESSONS on Leaving board) and giving priority to yourself. As NC is not feasible for you then an alternative is to maintain LC (Low Contact). A good idea might be to spend time to practice validating communication (see workshop section) with many people. Validating her is reasonably safe as it tends to have positive impact on relationships without increasing much unhealthy attachment. Still any communication with her should be done in the context of LC and not as half baked recycling attempt.

There is beauty in keeping things simple, simpleman