Birthday party planning with a BPD parent- tell me your story

[mamachelle]

Oh. I have posted little in the last few years. So busy. I just am feeling like I am in oz and need to vent... .  

Maybe others have birthday party stories from oz to share?

Here is my latest for the new year.

I have 3 stepsons that live with us full time. Their BPD mom lives in California across the country. She is coming into town to celebrate her favorite sons birthday. She tells him he is her favorite. He is turning 10.

She can't drive due to a DUI conviction last year.

She has no contact with the kids school or any clue about their school days or friends.

She offers to have a few kids at the hotel to swim.

I get the invitations and help SSturning 10 and SS8 each fill them out. Birthday boy gets 4 to invite and Ss8 gets 1 because its not his party.

Well the birthday Ss10 gets no RSVP and Ss8 gets 2 so she starts freaking out because Ss10 might not get friends at his own party and Ss8 has over invited.

Ss10 has few firiends and no close friends. He is dx bipolar but I suspect BPD in his teens due to his behavior which is so much like his BPD mom.

Ss8 is popular and smart.

I've got 3 bio kids as well as 3 step.

This Ss10 never really talks to the kids that He has invited to his parties in the past. He will spend the whole time with his mom or cousin if they are there. He usually asks for bigger parties like at a bounce place or a game center that few show up to. So I was relived when mom took some initiative.

Now it's like a bad bad scene that I wish I had not had any part in. NonH is no help but I'm forcing him to work with BPD mom because she started doing that freak out on me today and I just want the party day over and the band aids ripped off so to speak.

[DreamGirl]

Awwwww - poor buddy.

I have a son that had no kiddos RSVP for a birthday party once.

I felt awful.

It was kinda my fault - when I was picking a Saturday, I picked Easter weekend without seeing it on Sunday.  

At my son's birthday party, we went bowling and made a really big deal about it, lots of family (I have another son and three SDs) and I ended up calling his best friends mom. She was very understanding but terribly busy with company - but allowed me to pick him up and drop him off to make sure he could be there.

My son was pretty happy and I think I was far more worried about it then he was.

Any chance you can step in a little bit? He has no close friends at all? Is there a mom you can call?

[mamachelle]

Hey DreamGirl.

Thanks for the kick in the butt. I did call one kid's mom and it looks like he can come.

The extra levels of complexity you add in with a BPD mom and a nonH who is very passive and very much a not involved Dad with things like this.

I spent the morning packing the kids clothes for weekend with Mom, refilling prescriptions , running around for my other kids as well.

It's so hard when SS10 is also very difficult at home (though better since lots of intensive therapy and meds in the past year.) The other day he yelled at me "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE CHILDREN!" "I HATE YOU!" when i told him he could not practice his instrument in front of the TV forcing his other sibs to go elsewhere.

This kid is all about drama. May have gender issues. Often plays at being a girl. He's also a really big kid in height and weight for his age so he looks like a football player but loves to sing girl pop songs.

At school he holds it together but I really think by 4th grade kids have started to be a little freaked out by him. He has also gotten in fights with neighbor kids that used to come over and now are just friends with his little brother. He also had a crazy friendship (first love?) for a little boy in kindergarten who he still calls a friend to this day but the kid hates him. Even back in Kindergarten the kid yelled at him to stop hugging him. He may do ok in high school with other kind of oddball kids but right now it's always a stress trying to do birthday parties.

Add in BPD mom who has no touch with her kids reality and you have a recipe for disaster.

So anyway, thanks for the reminder that I can take action even when I feel assaulted from all sides. And that this is really about a little kid that needs a friend and mom (stepmom) has to help.

[ennie]

Birthdays are OH SO TRIGGERING for the BPD mom of my two SDs.  After one particularly awful party (I will tell the story if you want it), DH chose not to do birthdays with BPD mom at all.  The parenting plan specifies that each parent gets to invite the class every other year for each girl's birthday, but that is just to avoid placing other parents in a bind. 

There seems to be much less drama when each home celebrates separately.  After one very high-drama party (SD12's ninth), SD12 came back to our home.  She was so distraught, saying she should be with her mom (who had threatened us, was drunk for the whole party).  So we started what has become a family tradition--special person night.  Dad, SD8, and I all made things for SD12 and wrote or spoke what we love about her.  We gave her a footbath, played her favorite music in the background, and went around in a circle saying what we love about her.  She was overjoyed.  I was really surprised she liked it so much.  It was just what she needed to counteract mom needing to be the dismal center of attention for her 4 hour party... .  a relaxing, loving focus on her and her positive qualities. 

The problem with the every-other year plan is that on years with mom, the SDs may or may not even get a party.  But then on our year, the enmeshed older SD tends to get guilt trips from mom, who wants her party with us to be boring and not special. 

All in all, what works for us is to celebrate separately, and to focus as much as possible on the most important things: celebrating the birthday girl in a clear, focused, and loving way, whether we are at the mall or our roller skating or whatever---the main thing for us is to express how glad we are that she was born, how we appreciate her particular unique self, and how grateful we are to be with her. 

[scraps66]

I don't even entertain arranging birthday parties. It is ALWAYS xuBPDw that arranges them and I do not attend.  Two years ago she told our S4 at the time, when he asked why I wasn't at his party, her answer, "oh, daddy was busy, he couldn't come to your party."  I was not invited, not surprise - the new boyfriend was.  One of many things she insists on controlling and going overboard with is these lavish parties.  feeds her emotional neediness. 

[mamachelle]

Thanks ennie

I love your stories. Yes separate parties but I never heard of anything so formal as every other year. I guess with daughters it is a different dynamic as well.

It really is about the kid. It stinks when a kid feels like they are letting mom down when they are happy.

BPD mom in my case is pretty much unable to plan anything since she has given most of the real work to me happily.  She seems caught between the Hallmark channel and an old episode of Cops when it comes to her ability to plan anything parental.

The 2year earlier party for SS(8)at the bounce place she showed up late, her abusive BF had an episode of road rage and ended up taking out the  fence at a cemetary on the way.

Another party she set up 40 minutes away at a big game center then called in sick. This was when SS(15) was turning 11 I think? I was driving and frantically calling another mom who was bringing the other 2 kids and I picked them up in the end. The other mom was just completely disgusted with SS mom as this is my autistic traits kiddo and she was his BOy scout leader and had been helping him all year while mom was absent.

For my other SS8 she is rarely around. She likes him the least. She actually missed his 2 3 and 4 birthdays entirely if I remember correctly.

At any rate it's always a new experience and always memorable.  

[BentNotBroken]

I planned my own for our son's 1st birthday, after being invited then uninvited by BPDex. She intentionally made us 1.5 hours late for his own birthday party, with stalling and delaying tactics. I invited her to come along as I would not block her from attending her own son's birthday party, but told her she would have to drive separately. She did not attend, and took the time to slander me further to the neighbors, implying that I could not be trusted with my own son. I had a grand total of 2.5 hours with my son away from her in the first year of his life. Thank god I took care of him every night till she forced me out of the house, or I would have been a stranger to my own son.

I plan on having another birthday party for him this year without her involvement. His birthday is about him, not her. She just can't seem to get that part of being a parent, among other things.

Eh, she forgets other peoples' birthdays all the time, so give it a few years and it won't even be a problem.

Mother of the Year in her own disordered mind.

[BentNotBroken]

I don't even entertain arranging birthday parties. It is ALWAYS xuBPDw that arranges them and I do not attend.  Two years ago she told our S4 at the time, when he asked why I wasn't at his party, her answer, "oh, daddy was busy, he couldn't come to your party."  I was not invited, not surprise - the new boyfriend was.  One of many things she insists on controlling and going overboard with is these lavish parties.  feeds her emotional neediness. 

I would arrange your own party for your daughter. Explain to her that because she is your daughter, and you love her very much that she deserves a second birthday party, or at least a birthday dinner at her favorite place.

Parents that alienate children from the other parent should have their children completely removed from their care until they have shown objective results in therapy. Mental/emotional abuse of a child is child abuse. no ifs, ands, or buts.

[tog]

My SO just allows her to handle the birthday parties to minimize the drama. After he started at his private school, on his 12th birthday, she threw him what I came to refer to as his "Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Party"... .  a dance for the entire 7th grade at her apartment complex. She wanted SO and I to be there. She organized the entire event with no input from us whatsoever.  Can you say MOTY? (Of course, she wanted SO to help pay. NOT.) This was during her "Co-Parent Of The Year" phase.

I told my SO he was free to go but I would be staying home and sticking bamboo shoots under my nails before I'd be part of the Queen's court at such a ridiculous party. He didn't go either. When we asked SS what he wanted to do at our house, he said, "Just celebrate with the family."

This year, she had 8 boys over to her small apartment for his birthday and we again had a small family party. If it makes her feel like MOTY, she can have it. I don't want 8 teenage boys at our house anyway!  

[GaGrl]

I wish I could say it stops as they grow to adulthood, but... .  no.

I had my "a-ha!" moment with DH's ex, The Dark Princess, at a birthday party she threw for DH's adult daughter at age 25.  SD invited two girlfriends from high school days, and when DH and I stopped by, I looked around and realized there were NO OTHER FEMALE GUESTS AT ALL.  All the guests were men that The Dark Princess had, in the last, "dated."  While married to my DH in the very dark years or after their separation.

So I leaned over to DH and said, "You realize, of course, that your ex has slept with every man in this room, don't you?"  And he agreed, pointing out that was her idea of a party -- using whatever event as an excuse to be surrounded by men and play queen bee.  It was amazingly disgusting.  But she couldn't understand why we stayed only a very short while and went elsewhere for dinner.

Oh, my. 

As I said, that was the point I realized we were dealing with a serious disorder and had a feeling it was narcissism at some level.

[mamachelle]

on his 12th birthday, she threw him what I came to refer to as his "Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Party"... .  a dance for the entire 7th grade at her apartment complex. She wanted SO and I to be there. She organized the entire event with no input from us whatsoever.  Can you say MOTY? (Of course, she wanted SO to help pay. NOT.) This was during her "Co-Parent Of The Year" phase.

tog

Just laughing to myself when I read this.  My SS BPDmom used to go through these co-parent of the hour phases. She would get me all stressed out by sending emails/texts or phone calls to my H about how she was going to start this or enroll in that or come to this potluck... .  She would rage that if they were still married that she would still be handling their afterschool care or birthday parties or whatever. As soon as she actually had to follow through she would just drop it/call in sick/cancel. I finally saw the pattern. She had never actually been able to really do these things anyway. My SS was 9 when we married and he had had maybe 1 birthday party or 2 with kids from his class. Still there was this keeping up appearances and raging just to keep us off balance all the time. And yes, she always wanted H to fund her in whatever she had planned and as time went on it was me to coordinate. Luckily she has abdicated so much now that we are 6.5 years in and kids are getting older.

bentnotbroken

I think yeah, hopefully she will lose steam as your S gets older. "Mother of the Year in her own disordered mind" hah

I think it just takes time sometimes. Be persistent, structured, business like. The more boring and business like you are the more you do, the less they need to do. My SS BPDMom is really lazy in her own way. She talks a good game but then she just gives up.

Gagri

Had to say I got a chill with your story. Yeah, as my SS have gotten older, their BPDmom seems to have transferred some of her own feelings about men onto her sons. It's so unnerving when you can see right through their pathology and somehow you are there in Oz.  My H says all his exBPDw friends were exBF too. In fact, I think my oldest SS middle name is after her HS bf that died. creepy in retrospect.

scraps66

If your S is only 4 there are plenty more years to go in this. Definitely throw your own parties for him. Family parties are great. I agree on the alienation being unacceptable.

oh one more thing-- BPDmom just loves her own birthday so much that it is just crazy. One year, she called my H screaming and raging that the boys had not bought her presents... .  She had had the boys for the 4-6 days prior, was with her mom (grandma), had flown across the country on vacation and my SS were like 6,7, and 12 and so grandma could have easily seen to it that she had gotten presents. H was just like huh? You have to be out of your mind... .  

[BentNotBroken]

Scraps-Sorry, it was late when I typed that, SON not daughter... .  I don't know what happened...

[GaGrl]

Gagrl

Had to say I got a chill with your story. Yeah, as my SS have gotten older, their BPDmom seems to have transferred some of her own feelings about men onto her sons. It's so unnerving when you can see right through their pathology and somehow you are there in Oz.  My H says all his exBPDw friends were exBF too. In fact, I think my oldest SS middle name is after her HS bf that died. creepy in retrospect.

mamchelle, it was mega-creepy!  My stepdaughter warned me, but I had no idea until I was in the midst of it.  I might as well have been dressed as Dorothy.

As with most narcissists, The Dark Princess is charming and has had the power to keep ex-boyfriends "on the hook" as friends for long, long after the actual sexual relationship is over.


I think the party situations provide the public forum needed for the PDs to validate their image of themselves.  Unfortunately, they are completely out of touch with how it appears to others who are getting frantic emails, demands for help with the party, lists of errands, or simply having to watch the strange saga of the PD attempting to act "nornal."

[NorthernGirl]

We have learned that all the kids birthdays are almost as big as Mother's Day in terms of the attention their UBPD mom requires. All her sons MUST spend their birthday with her and acknowledge that this is the day she gave birth.

They are all adults now but SS18 has special needs so he is the only one we really have to worry about related to birthdays going forward. SS18 brought up his birthday a few weeks ago even though it is 6 months away. He was already worried about ensuring he spends time with his mom that day. I reminded him that we celebrate his birthday whenever it makes sense and if we don't get time with him that day, we will talk with him on the phone and celebrate another day. He was relieved to be reminded of that.

One year we had to delay travel plans to ensure SS18 could spend the morning of his birthday (a Sunday) with his Mom. She raged for weeks about how he couldn't possibly not spend time with his Mother that day and that she had all these special plans. When we picked up SS18 in the afternoon, we asked what he had done. He said they both slept in and she took him to McDonald's.

[mamachelle]

All her sons MUST spend their birthday with her and acknowledge that this is the day she gave birth.

One year we had to delay travel plans to ensure SS18 could spend the morning of his birthday (a Sunday) with his Mom. She raged for weeks about how he couldn't possibly not spend time with his Mother that day and that she had all these special plans. When we picked up SS18 in the afternoon, we asked what he had done. He said they both slept in and she took him to McDonald's.

Yes, so classic BPD mom speak. Birth references 

Yes, I've seen the all out rage, build up, and then McDonald's or equivalent. Ugh.

Thanks all again for sharing your stories.

[ennie]

Yes, I can totally relate to both the BPD total incapacity for planning... .  and our BPD with NPD characteristics also HAS TO be the one to plan, wants us to come, and it always ended a total flop, her drunk or just crazed in the corner, yelling at us, bringing out a special homemade cake she made that is a disaster, that she dropped, and too drunk to explain... .  and if DH brings the cake, it is terrible because it is 1) not creative enough (if he makes it) or 2) not creative enough (if we bought it).  And all the kids parents are begging us to stay, though she organized it and is the "responsible parent" and is threatening to kill us and screaming at us in the parking lot. Way more than awkward. Super destructive.  And, when we feared mom was going to drunk drive them home, and called the police, they basically refused to do anything. 

The funny part is that back when we did these parties with mom, we bought into the whole drama thing... .  fear and avoiding the problems, stressing about whether to go or not, about invites, etc.  Now, we actually just have fun with the kids.  So simple.  We do celebrate both kids every year, just do not invite all the friends to one of the parties.  And it is actually fun. 

[Sickofthedrama]

No more parties.

My H use to set up joint parties with UBPDex but the drama was never ending. She would throw lavish parties costing upwards of $2000 for the kids birthday. We weren't allowed any input or allowed to invite our friends children. We always got footed half of the bill at the end of the night. To the point where I would have to step up and help pay because my H didn't have enough money at the time (naturally followed by her "cheap" comments). The parties would continue by going to her house to see the kids open presents. Followed up by some vocal insult to myself, my M-I-L, or my H. One time she walked by me pretending to stab me with the cake knife (her mother found this amusing and laughed outloud) and one other time she saw my H carrying the cake with both hands - and she walked up behind him and shoved both hands into his back pockets to grab his butt if front of her group of friends. 

We decided a few years ago- that's it, no more. We arrange small gatherings and dinners at our apartment. Alternatively, for birthdays we take the kids someplace (like a mini vacation) over the weekend following their birthday.

We are currently in a battle over his D confirmation. We have arranged something on our own, and UBPDex has decided she is booking a party over our plans, inviting all of her "friends", and we're paying half of it. Not happening. My H has made it very clear he does not even want to see her, let alone be involved with any of her "parties".

[tog]

 

When I hear stories like that I appreciate my SO's ability to set boundaries on his stbxw. Holy crap, I would have walked right out of that party and probably left him entirely if he allowed her to treat him (and me!) that way.

As far as your SD's confirmation goes... .  you won't be able to upstage her. Let her have a lavish affair that she pays for, and then you guys have a small, quiet event on your time. Unless SD has inherited some of her mother's traits, she might appreciate an event that's actually about HER, instead of about her mother.

[marieke]

A number of years ago, when my step-daughter lived with us for a year and a half, my late husband and I tried to organize a small party for my SD, then 7 years old (she's now 15). SD came to live with us, over 700 miles away from her mom, when her uBPD mom (my husband's ex-wife) started to become physically abusive but did not want us to report her to the authorities. UBPD mother always had over-the-top parties for her daughter (rented out space in restaurants, amusement parks, etc.)

The uBPD mother decides to fly into town with her then-boyfriend (now husband and step-dad). Of course, mom wanted a big party at our property, but my husband did not. We decided to do something small at the school-- just bring a cake in at the last recess and have a 15-minute party. Since my husband was a Native American spiritual leader in the community, we did not want the SD to get gifts, but wanted to have a "give-away" where she presented token gifts to her classmates and explained the concept of a give-away. (Upbd mom had raised SD to love to go shopping -- whenever they argued she took her shopping to make up for what she did to her daughter.) I purchased inexpensive but neat star-shaped pencil sharpeners as gifts for the classmates.

Well, of course uBPD mother was pissed off, and got SD upset that she would not get gifts. But my husband talked to his daughter, and she became okay with the party and give-away. Then mom showed up in town and took over. Of course, I did all the planning, plus ordered and paid for the cake. The morning of the party, since we lived in a rural area I had to drive 45 minutes to pick up the cake, then 45 minutes back -- all while uBPD mom got all dolled up for the party (including fake tan bronzer, gobs of make-up, strappy high-heeled sandals, and "Farrah Faucett-hair). I then met uBPD mom and boyfriend, led her to the school, helped unload all the party goodies and cake, then drove home.

Mom essentially hosted the party, made no mention of what a give-away was about, and acted as though she thought of everything. Years later, one of my SD's classmates made mention of the time SD's mother came to class for the Birthday Party. The classmate said the mother pushed her and the other classmates away when they got close to SD -- uBPD mom told them that it was her special time with her daughter and she did not want anyone else interrupting it. The classmate felt sorry for SD as her mother was "really weird."

Unfortunately, my husband passed away when SD was 12 years old. Now she is 16 and uBPD mom has essentially poisoned her against my husband's side of the family. SD was hospitalized a couple of years ago for trying to kill herself with pills. She was also cutting herself, and had been diagnosed with BPD tendencies. It is a tragedy, but not surprising to me and her adult siblings based on her mother's behaviour over the years.

[mamachelle]

Sickofthedrama

I like your screen name. I agree with Tog. Just say no to the joint parties. You can attend the confurmation service and take pictures and then leave... .  The other parties you describe sound like a demented Saturday night live skit-- following you around with a knife? Grabbing his butt? My H gets ill just being in the same room as his ex and having no contact. I hope you are not subjected to any more of that behavior. Yes, separate parties are the only way to go.


Marieke

You really describe a very complexly layered birthday/symbolic ceremony. I can see the image of the fake bronzer and strappy heels and the complete lack of awareness... You know these pwBPD are so uncomfortable in their own skin they are often just so oblivious to giving and not getting anything in return. I feel for your SD. I wish I had more answers but I am glad to see you are posting more and I hope these boards can help you find some answers.

[Sickofthedrama]

Marieke,

What a terrible way to make a spectacle around your SD and her classmates. I am sorry for your SD. I too am a child of a BPD and I felt trapped as a child. I wish for your SD to find an positive outlet and a way around her unhappy home life. It must be very hard for you to see this happening. I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your husband.  It seems like the ex was not validating that your husband and half of her daughters heritage is important. Its a sad place to be. I'm not sure how much contact your SD has with you, but this book may help her:

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

Kimberlee Roth (Author), Freda B. Friedman (Author), Randi Kreger (Author)

Trust me, it saved my life.



Good luck with everything.

[marieke]

Marieke,

What a terrible way to make a spectacle around your SD and her classmates. I am sorry for your SD. I too am a child of a BPD and I felt trapped as a child. I wish for your SD to find an positive outlet and a way around her unhappy home life. It must be very hard for you to see this happening. I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your husband.  It seems like the ex was not validating that your husband and half of her daughters heritage is important. Its a sad place to be. I'm not sure how much contact your SD has with you, but this book may help her:

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

Kimberlee Roth (Author), Freda B. Friedman (Author), Randi Kreger (Author)

Trust me, it saved my life.



Good luck with everything.

Sorry it took me so long to respond to your post -- and thank you for the book suggestion. Unfortunately, my stepdaughter does not have any contact with her father's side of the family right now. Her mother has effectively "poisoned" her against me and her brothers and sisters. My stepdaughter sides with her mother on all things. From what I understand, SD has been told that she has BPD among other things and was put on various medications. I am not sure of what kind of therapy she is taken part in, if any. Per her Facebook page and some blogs she writes, she is very angry, has a poor self image, smokes pot and sleeps around (she is 16) and has been doing so for a couple of years. (I do not believe she is cutting herself anymore.) It is hard to see her go through these things, but we all hope that someday she will come looking for her father's family and will at least reconnect with her stepbrothers and sisters.