He says he doesn't love me anymore

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

what more can I say ... .  I'm devastated.

[sadinsweden]

what more can I say ... .  I'm devastated.

[waitaminute]

sorry to hear that. Did he act like he loved you? And have you decided to detach? Suppose...    as often happens with BPD, he comes back and says " you are my everything. I will always love you" ?

[sadinsweden]

Yeah, I know. It's been so hard and yes, I was making an exit strategy ... .  and then the crazy part comes in and I begin to wonder, "Is this all my fault?". And then on Valentines we had a lovely day and evening. I made a joke. And now it's been a two day thing ending in this.

And if he came back and said "You are my everything"... .  I think I would try again. One more time.

And yes, it did seem like he did. I known him for 15 years. He made a little speech to me on Valentines day. Said how much he loved me and how happy he was that I was here. Bought me flowers. He still wears our rings ... .  

[sadinsweden]

I sold everything and moved here to Sweden to be with him.

[inepted]

 

I know how it feels... .  I was planning on moving half way across the country to be with by BPDexgf... .  Now she doesnt know if she loves me anymore. At times I lay awake in bed wondering if she ever did, or how it's all my fault it ended. She seemed to genuinely put my needs first, so I want to believe she did love me.

Now she's already tried finding new 'friends' to replace me days after we break up.

[waitaminute]

Try to get your life together. Lots of help is here. You're in good company.

[PrettyPlease]

what more can I say ... .  I'm devastated.

... .  and then the crazy part comes in and I begin to wonder, "Is this all my fault?".

sadinsweden,

I know it must be terrible to have made all those changes, and then have him say that.

But step back for a second. I went through and read the posts of your story. You are in a DV danger situation. You have called the police more than once. You have locked you and your kittens away in a room for safety. You had a dramatic escape at Christmas time.

And the unanimous opinion of the others on the boards here, and your son (and probably others) was: this is an unusually bad situation, and you need to leave. Flee, actually.

So, the short answer to your question, "Is this all my fault," is no. The person you are with is obviously severely mentally ill.

BUT, and here is where I feel I need to be blunt -- and is it possible to be gently blunt    I don't know -- after you get out you're going to need to look at your own issues, probably from your own FOO (family of origin). I won't try to say what yours are, but many on these boards (including me) have discovered caretaker tendencies, or self worth problems, or other things, that allow us to stay with someone who devalues us or even actively abuses us.

Your post here leads me to believe that you may need to look at these things to be able to leave. I know the Undecided Board should be supportive of you even if you decide to stay, but I think the situation you've described goes beyond that. I'm going out on a limb and recommending that you consider your desire to stay as evidence that you need to talk to a professional T about the situation, at very least. And I suggest that if you do that they will tell you also that you need to leave.

Love is not the same as love is not the same as love. Different people will use the words differently.

What someone says and what someone does are not the same. Dream about what they say if you like, but base your actions on what they do. And have already done.



PP

[momtara]

Awww.  Remember that he has a disorder.  He doesn't always say what he means.  A poster above says it's a domestic violence issue, and cats and possibly a child are in danger.  Hard as it is, try not to forget the fact that he is dangerous.  If he said that, it's a good thing.  It's a chance to escape.  You can always email him later and tell him whatever you want to say. 

We are all here because we loved someone who had this disorder we didn't know about.  You are a loving person and that's the important thing.

[trevjim]

I decided to split with my ex, she got with an ex of hers a day later, when i asked how she could move on so quick, she said she hadnt loved me for months. I put this down to either the truth, or she was trying to reasure the guy she is with now as i think he was listening, or she was lying to herself to make her feel that she is making the right decision.

[cal644]

I was told this to by my soon to be exuBPDw. However when I mentioned divorce she said I love you with my whole heart.  Another time she said I was her first and only love.  But then when I try to reconsile she me and paints me black and projects everything on me.  It is so confusing. I think it depends on the day or hour.  I think at times she does love me to the best of her ablitity, but is it really love?  Or is it the need to be taken care of.  I know those words "I'm not in love with you anymore" hurt me more deeply than anything in my life.

[Leaf]

Sadinsweden, please get out of there. I read your other thread and your BPDbf sounds a lot like my BPDxbf who has a sadistic streak as well. My BPDxbf had a brake, but he knew and I knew the brake could come off. If that happened I would be at the mercy of pure evil. He didn't drink much, but when he did the brake worked a lot worse. I was afraid for my life a couple of times. Yours drinks a lot, this makes him all the more dangerous.

I broke up with my BPDbf six weeks ago after being with him for almost three years. I tried to break up with him before, but up till now I always went back. Reading about Stockholm Syndrome helped me understand why I stayed while he did unforgivable things. And why I stayed while my family was worried about my safety. I mean, when my BPDxbf came along for Christmas dinner they had placed my brother at the biggest distance possible because my brother might not be able to control himself because of what my BPDxbf did to me.

I guess other people on this board have told you about Stockholm syndrome and that you have looked into it, but I still want to type up this quote from 'The essential Family Guide to BPD', it helped me face the facts:

"The following are signs that the Stockholm Syndrome might be at work:

• thinking, 'I know he hurts me all the time and does terrible things to me, but I love him anyway!'

• receiving warnings from others about the relationship and dismissing them because others 'just don't understand.' Eventually the sufferer avoids those who don't approve of the abuser/controller.

• giving the abuser/controller positive credit for small tokens of kindness (a birthday card) or for not being abusive when abusiveness was expected (such as not getting jealous when an opposite-sex co-worker waves in a crowd).

• making excuses for the abuser/controller's behaviour (such as, 'He couldn't help it because he was abused as a kid'.

• becoming preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller in an effort to prevent the abuser/controller from having an outburst."

Sadinsweden, because you were trying to detach you're BPDbf is trying to reign you back in. The happy days you just had are the carrot, and if you want that back you'll have to do even more groveling than before. He'll never be satisfied, my BPD wasn't. It gets worse and worse.

I know it is hard to believe now, but once you're out from under his spell you'll feel even happier than during those few happy days with him. But you can only find that out if you keep away for a while. If it's difficult for you to get your things and cats and sneak out, because you still love him, tell yourself is only temporary. Make up a dying relative back home if you have to. Sneak out the cats if he isn't looking and leave a note that a friend is taking care of them while you're away. But sneaking out a.s.a.p. and never looking back is the safest option. I hope you're still OK.

[trevjim]

The 'funny' thing is, i know if she came crawling back, she would say she never stopped loving me and that she only said she didnt 'insert reason here'

Its sick

[rosannadanna]

Greetings SadinSweden  .

Just imagine a 3 year old little boy stomping his foot and saying to his mommy "I don't love you anymore!".  The boy will love his mommy again when his emotions are regulated again and your BF will undoubtedly withdraw this proclamation at some point.

But there is something more sinister here.  Even with the 3 year old, if he sees that his words cause discomfort for his mother to the point that she gives in to him, he has just learned how to manipulate her.  Your man probably can sense that you are making an exit plan and said this to get you off center.  This man may have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old b/c of BPD, but he is a batterer and you are being abused.  You are in the cycle of violence with this man.

Are you still planning to leave?  Do you have a local support system?  If not can you find one?

[sadinsweden]

Wow... .  thanks you guys. Things are quiet here for now (?). I've been busy working on what I call "My Life Files"... .  it is an exit strategy plus more. At some point, when I can (because sometimes it is very hard for me to get here) I will post about my exit strategy... .  made all the more complicated because I'm living in another country.

I can tell you that so far I have:

• Packed a bag with all my documents, immediate valuables



• Called numerous DV and Info Hotlines for support and Info



• Reached out to family and friends in the US, to alert them to my situation and elicit support for escape if needed.



• I have created a plan and a place to go in case of immediate threat.



• Researched my rights here in Sweden (regarding my resident permit etc. If the relationship ends, Sweden will send me back to the US. My permit does not become permanent until August, but I have heard that in some cases a permanent permit can be granted early).



• Put together my CV/resume to find work and gather much needed money... .  and also to allow me to think about myself, my accomplishments, my future... .  whether that be here or in the US.



• Reached out to two girl friends here in Sweden (it's nice to have friends and support that is close by).



• Contacted a friend in the US who is a forensic psychologist, one of the best in the field, for support and insight... .  not only insight to my BPD but insight into myself.



• I have set up a secret online venue where family can communicate with me in case of emergency. This venue is accessible via my phone.



• Researched what it takes to get my kittens back into the US regarding health certificates and the process for international flight and the cost.



• And I have taken some much needed time to care for myself, get solid sleep, and occasionally think about something else just to preserve my own sanity. :-)

That's it for now. Thank you all for your support, help, private messages, advice, and insights. All appreciated and considered, more than you'll ever know.

[PrettyPlease]

I've been busy working on what I call "My Life Files"... .  it is an exit strategy plus more.

Wonderful!  It seems this must all bear fruit for you. And such a difficult situation -- even permits for flying the kittens! Good work.

My only worry reading this list is that in a leaving emergency you might have to abandon the kittens -- and that might prevent you from leaving when you really needed to for your own safety.

Is there a way to break this problem down, maybe by getting the kittens out first to one of the Swedish friends you mentioned?

Otherwise, great work. Please keep us posted when you can.


PP

[Surnia]

Sadinsweden 

I really like your list, your different exit plans! Great you found two swedish girl friends! 

It is so important to work for your own future!

[fakename]

sadinsweden,

i'm glad youre being so proactive about your situation.

please be careful that you dont look suspicious and if you sue the same computer, make sure you clear your browser history and everything... .  

wish you the best

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Sadinsweden

How are you? I hope you and your kittens are well. If you feel up to it, leave us a little message to say how you're doing. No obligation!

Your list looks really good