Do you find yourself covering for the other parent?

[Faded]

I know the dynamics of each single parent is different so i guess im expecting differing opinions through this, but i guess the most important thing is that the choices i make are healthy for me as a parent and for my daughter as a growing teen(14).

Split up many years ago when child was young. 2 year ago i became the target to be painted black again, as so much time had gone by i felt NC was the best option.

So nearly 2 years NC.

What i find is that since D has left her mums to stay with me full time(18months ago) is that there are many high end promises that are not carried out by her mum.

Just a couple of recent examples... .  

Pre cristmas D asked for an iphone from her mum, the mum said yes.

couple of weeks before christmas D's mum said the phones are too expensive and that she couldnt afford one.

I dealt with that by buying the phone myself as i have a reasonable income and on the present on cristmas day i tagged it with 'love mum & dad' so it was a present from both us.

The mum offered me half as that was more affordable for her so i accepted (this info is all through D as me her mum have zero contact). Just after christmas i was sent about 25% of the actual cost of the phone. The money is no issue as i dont have money issues, the principal of the initial promise being forfilled by myself so that D doesnt feel totally let down.

Dont get me wrong, im not totally covering in every aspect for D's mum as D was fully aware that that it was her mum that made the promise but it was me that forfilled it.

Every couple of weeks D will tell me that her mum hasnt forgot about the money she owes me.




About 4 weeks ago, D dropped her phone and it cracked the screen so i said i would price it up but it would ultimately be upto D to arrange some sort of finance to get it repaired. Either pay for it out of her pocket money (which i give her) or earn extra by doing certain chores or doing a sunday car boot market to sell some old stuff for her  to make a few quid.

D had actually tried to hide the damage as she felt bad about it under the circumstance it was bought and the fact it was quite a pricey bit of kit. After i found out she decided to tell her mum as i said it was best to be open and honest and not try to hide things.

Within a day or 2 D's mum said she would pay for it as she still owed me the previous funds for the original purchase. Over the last few weeks that has changed to 'when your dad has got it sorted i will send him the money'.

You could say gadgets are my forte and so have contacts to get things like this done cheaper than your average customer walking into a store, this in mind i understand it best for me financially to arrange such things. But i guess my arrangement was for D to take responsibility on a small scale financially so she gets to understand the cost of living and how accidents can impact on us financially.

But from the mums promise im left taking on a different approach.




Again recently D wanted some new trainers. Nike air. The mum knows the price of them. D went to see her mum on mothers day and walked into the middle of an argument between her mum and husband! D's mum got D and her 2 others kids into the car and left her husband at home. She took them all to her mums house and that was where the promise of these trainers was announced by her mum.

Today the promise has been cancelled as she cannot afford them. Her mum said that she couldnt afford them and a passport and D would have to make a choice! Either the trainers or the passport but with the promise that trainers were not really an option. i.e. it was a new passport she would be getting.

I told D that i had her passport as her mum had returned it knowing it was running out and needed renewing. I was already going to renew it as i have plans to go abraod with D 2 maybe 3 times this year.

So again ive kind of felt the need for me to back peddle slightly to address the situation.

As i was already renewing thepassport i said to D that trainers are not much more than the passport if her mum is paying for her passport then i would give the same amount (as passport) towards her trainers and that she would have to make the rest up to afford by saving her pocket money or earning extra by chores or earning an income.



I feel as though im doing the best i can so i guess im just looking for comparisons to keep it healthy and repsectful for myself and daughter.

Daughter seems pretty clued on her mum but that still leaves D feeling let down. Even though is pretty much aware, she is only 14, so when she does see her mum once a month or once every couple of month she comes back full of smiles and promises. Within a few days she is feeling let down as the promise is re-arranged, re-written and then replaced.

I know in a healthy 2 parent household this would not be the norm. That, im afraid, is out of my hands.

I know covering for the ex isnt healthy as such but under the circumstance am i right to correct as best i can?

Im certainly not covering for ex and her actions, they are obviousley in 2 different places, the actions dont seem to connect with the spoken words but in terms of the offering to daughter then why should she miss out on a promise when it can actually be forflled?

Is the ex at a place where she knows my finances are more than enough to carry out her promises and so has no problem making promises that she knows will be forfilled?


Should i change my stance to D and these promises?

They are not contstant but there is a pattern emerging.

Are my actions enabling?


As much as i feel i am the one forfilling these high end finacial promises, i dont complete the deal alone as such.

i.e. the phone was my venture but eventually it was joint. The cristmas tag said 'love from mum & dad' and to me i felt that was important to our daughter.

The trainers and the phone crack again i forfill but still leave a gap for D to make up the extra so she knows she has put something into what she owns (past knowledge tells me teens dont respect much if theyve had no financial or physical input into the item they own).


Like i said previously, not all dynamics are the same so im just looking for comparisons and advice to play with.

I find it quite amazing and also exhausting at times that even more than a decade after our split she still has her hooks swinging in the hope of a bite!

[newlymarried]

My husband and I are constantly making up for promises that BPDexw makes to SD4. Twice BPDexw has promised and failed to take SD4 to the zoo. That means that the next weekend that my husband has off we will drive 4 hours to take kiddo to the zoo. BPDexw would have a 45 minute drive to take kiddo to the zoo, but would require actually caring about being honest with SD4.

[Faded]

My husband and I are constantly making up for promises that BPDexw makes to SD4. Twice BPDexw has promised and failed to take SD4 to the zoo. That means that the next weekend that my husband has off we will drive 4 hours to take kiddo to the zoo. BPDexw would have a 45 minute drive to take kiddo to the zoo, but would require actually caring about being honest with SD4.

Makes me wonder if the the ex's actually some sort of pleasure out of this. Even though they arethe ones making the promise, the child feeling let down by the broken promise but then the other parent carrying out the promise.

As though their mindset is that as we have forfilled the promise and so all is fine and no one feels let down or put out.

And at the end of it they can say... .  

'i told you that you would go to the zoo'

'i told you that you would get those trainers'

'I told you i would get that screen sorted for your phone'


These people can promise anything and have that promise forfilled! Im not sure whether to consider that ingenious by them or very narrow mindedness or indeed another unconcious outside control attempt.

I think i have to keep the balance between keeping daughter happy whilst not allowing myself to be controlled by these situations overly.

I admit there is a certain amount of control i am taking on by carrying out such acts but feel the energy output for the situations is for myself and daughter. As long myself and D can have ahealthy future then thats all that matters to me currently.

[newlymarried]

I think that this disorder makes them think that they must "disneyland" and promise the moon to the kids, so the kiddos will love them. The things is the kids know who is actually fulfilling the promises.

I don't know that I would have put from mom and dad on your kiddo's phone. It wasn't from mom. You are the one that got it for your little one.

[mamachelle]

Hi Faded,

Just a little about me first, I am a Non married to a NonH. I have 2 DD 13 and 16 from previous marriage to BPDH. I remarried 6 years ago and have 3 SS, 8, 10, and 15. Their mother (exW of my NonH) has BPD. Also have a S 2  with my NonH.

So, I can say, that I can relate to the whole iphone thing. If your DD Mum wan't promising it, then she would have been bugging you anyway for sure. My 3 teens all got them for Christmas this year and my 8 and 10 yo were jealous! Needless to say, they didn't get much else... .  I would say to get your DD a proper drop proof/waterproof case right away. I wouldn't even let my kids out of the house without their  otterbox or lifeproof cases on them for sure.

But yes, pwBPD have shifting mostly selfish frames of references at all times.

I am sure BPDmum wants her DD to be happy.

Mum has problems with boundaries and setting limits so saying No to your DD is probably very hard.

Yes, she knows you have the cash to pay for this, but she lacks the parenting ability to talk with you first and make this a joint decision with all financials worked out before hand.

I doubt you enter into her picture much at all except to finance what she believes is necessary for your DD social survival- iphone, trainers, et al.

In my case, BPDbioMom used to come up with these extravagant "Santa gifts" that Dad would have to pay mostly for or at least 1/2. These were gifts that were just given to the kids at her house since she usually had them on Christmas Eve. They came from Santa but the kids got them at her house and then they would come here for more presents that we had to pay for as well later in the afternoon.

It drove me nuts, but my NonH went along with it, mostly to just keep her quiet. Even though they have 50/50 custody on paper, the kids have always spent majority time here, so it was more frustrating to get them these nice gifts that sat at her place unused most of the time.

In the end, we all survived, and now she lives across the country and my SS only see her on school vacations and the occasional disney weekend when she flies in. Her mom employs and supports her and so now finally, she at least, buys them the Christmas presents from her. Since she contributes nothing to their medical or other costs throughout the year, she doesn't bug us for money either lately.

Ok, back to your situation:

I think that this is a triangulation sort of thing going on. It's not exactly easy to see who is the victim as it keeps shifting.

It's good that you recognize that this is a pattern. I think this may help shed some light on things.

   

PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0


It's never easy dealing with these things. I don't have easy answers as your DD seems to be level headed. I think just making sure that she is not using Mum's promises in an overly manipulative way... .  though it's hard to tell with teens  anyway as they tend to be pretty pushy to get what they want, especially when all their friends have these things apparently

[sanemom]

We have a situation where the BPD mom owes my DSS12 some money and has now told him that her company is sending him the check.  Really?  So now we have a kid checking the mailbox daily (because we don't want to be accused of hiding it from him either) for a check from his BPD mom's work that is not going to come.  As soon as he starts getting disappointed about it, DH is going to talk with him.  It's hard to watch him get his hopes up.

[mamachelle]

Sanemom

We have had that issue with SS10 checking mailbox daily waiting for package. So now I tell him to ask mom for the tracking number. Or I have her text me tracking since we text. Then SS can track on the computer. It works to ease the anxiety and puts the responsibility back on her. Most time bioBPDmom has no clue that her casual mention of a package sends him to the mailbox and gets him upset.

[sanemom]

Sanemom

We have had that issue with SS10 checking mailbox daily waiting for package. So now I tell him to ask mom for the tracking number. Or I have her text me tracking since we text. Then SS can track on the computer. It works to ease the anxiety and puts the responsibility back on her. Most time bioBPDmom has no clue that her casual mention of a package sends him to the mailbox and gets him upset.

That's just it--there is NO check being sent.  Her employer is not going to send her kid a check.  It's just a way to blame her employer or us for him not getting a check.

[mamachelle]

ooh    that's nutty, yeah.

How much money are we talking about?

You could just say, you know SS12 I think Mom's company is not going to pay you so here is the money. If the check does come then you can pay me back. I'm sorry this happened. Normally a company doesn't pay anyone unless they are working for them so maybe mom made a mistake. You can ask her the next time you see her.

---

My NonH would just reimburse my older SS(now15) when he used money at Mom's or Mom borrowed money. I don't know if she ever even pretended to pay her back. SS15 knew Mom had no money usually.

[sanemom]

ooh    that's nutty, yeah.

How much money are we talking about?

You could just say, you know SS12 I think Mom's company is not going to pay you so here is the money. If the check does come then you can pay me back. I'm sorry this happened. Normally a company doesn't pay anyone unless they are working for them so maybe mom made a mistake. You can ask her the next time you see her.

---

My NonH would just reimburse my older SS(now15) when he used money at Mom's or Mom borrowed money. I don't know if she ever even pretended to pay her back. SS15 knew Mom had no money usually.

DSS painted some furniture for her, and she sold it on craigslist months ago and owes him $50 for that.  She admitted to him that she had already spent the money.  Then she told him she would give him $30 more because she bought the DSS14 some clothes and didn't buy DSS12 anything (she is trying to bribe DSS14 to live with her now).  I think DH is going to offer to get him some clothes so DSS12 has as much as DSS14 received from their mom.

He checked the mail again today but didn't say anything this time.