Honestly wish I didn't keep feeling drawn back to this place...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been trying, but I had a bad day and wasn't talking very much, plus I was feeling rejected.  For a week I've been trying, and I know it takes time for wounds to heal, but it seemed to be going well.  Should have seen this coming.  I thought if I really got in and connected and tried to be a family, it would work.  I thought if I started trying to give more back rubs, and listen more, speak softer, take a more assertive position in the kids discipline, and talk more about what was spinning around my head, it would be better.  But still, a week and a half later, I do one thing and I've done nothing.  She said I was acting like I didn't like her son, so I asked him if I was hurting his feelings and he said no, and I tried to be more open to him, and she stormed off with a "Whatever."   2:30 and she couldn't sleep because her back hurt and she was coughing and it turns into her always being afraid of me screaming at her, or leaving.  I don't respect her feelings because I wanted to make sure I didn't hurt a 7 year olds.  And to try and explain it is me shutting her out and getting defensive.  It's always about me.

I started letting myself love again and its really hurting this time.  I thought we were going to be good this time.  I really started hoping for it.  And maybe I'm just overreacting to one incident, like I think she is, but I'm scared.  I'm already allowing my boundaries to be overtaken.  Can't find my footing because of all the different life changes she wants to do.

First time in a while its really hurt.

[Winglessfallen]

I have been trying, but I had a bad day and wasn't talking very much, plus I was feeling rejected.  For a week I've been trying, and I know it takes time for wounds to heal, but it seemed to be going well.  Should have seen this coming.  I thought if I really got in and connected and tried to be a family, it would work.  I thought if I started trying to give more back rubs, and listen more, speak softer, take a more assertive position in the kids discipline, and talk more about what was spinning around my head, it would be better.  But still, a week and a half later, I do one thing and I've done nothing.  She said I was acting like I didn't like her son, so I asked him if I was hurting his feelings and he said no, and I tried to be more open to him, and she stormed off with a "Whatever."   2:30 and she couldn't sleep because her back hurt and she was coughing and it turns into her always being afraid of me screaming at her, or leaving.  I don't respect her feelings because I wanted to make sure I didn't hurt a 7 year olds.  And to try and explain it is me shutting her out and getting defensive.  It's always about me.

I started letting myself love again and its really hurting this time.  I thought we were going to be good this time.  I really started hoping for it.  And maybe I'm just overreacting to one incident, like I think she is, but I'm scared.  I'm already allowing my boundaries to be overtaken.  Can't find my footing because of all the different life changes she wants to do.

First time in a while its really hurt.

[marbleloser]

It hurts to read this,because I've been there.We have to realize,and I did,it takes two people trying,to make a relationship work.One cannot do it all on their own.In my case,I knew I'd never measure up to what she wanted,and if I did,I wouldn't be myself.I would have lost all of my own "being".

I hope it's not that way in your case,but in mine it was,to the point of letting her leave and me filing for divorce.I found after she moved out that I was at ease.The anxiety left,the tension,the dread.It all left.

I replaced it with new anxiety.The divorce process itself.But,I'm me.I'm not forced to be someone else.

[tuum est61]

WF,

Love is a necessary condition, but it won't be sufficient for things to get better.  I dare to suggest that you already love your gf/wife more than enough - but she doesn't accept it through you saying it or demonstrating it. It seems such a contradiction, but it is very necessary to explicitly acknowledge her feelings that you DON'T love her enough when she tells you so.   

And to try and explain it is me shutting her out and getting defensive. 

To your gf/w, explaining IS shutting her out and getting defensive.  No JADEing allowed!


Here's the link to my previous advice on the subject back on March 11.  Validation is not easy - you said you didn't know how to do it, but doing more of the same isnt working for you - so you've got nothing to lose by trying.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196453.msg12217756#msg12217756

Rather than trying to let yourself love and get hurt again, try the validation - it WILL help get you better footing. 

I will be rooting for you this week.   

[Winglessfallen]

Marbleloser:

Yes, I believe a large part of me is afraid that I've already lost myself.  I feel a lot of pressure from her, whether she means to or not, to acclimate my desires to hers.  Everything from religious beliefs to child rearing are being put through the blender and I don't know what cocktail is coming out.  The conflict (for us) and depression (for me) comes when I start remembering who I am and want to reach for those things. 

Yesterday we had a discussion.  My ex, who is still a friend of mine to some degree, has posted pictures of herself with a revealing shirt on and it cause this spiral of self doubt and fear with my GF.  I don't see the pictures because I've blocked her from my feed.  My GF talked to me about how it stirred up a lot of issues with her, and I tried to respond in a calm way, mostly just listening and saying "Ok, I understand" and the like.  Occasionally I would interject a thought, but mostly let her speak.  And she ended up upset with me because I wasn't expressing any emotion about the self consciousness she was stating, even though it sounded more like she was making a political statement about how my ex is destroying what women have worked for for hundreds of years.  It spiraled into a discussion of how I feel disconnected and unattached and basically dead.  She said she misses me and who I once was and I told her I do to and I think that part of me is gone for now.  It was really a rather convoluted conversation about things.  Again, I felt like I was making excuses for how I feel instead of admitting the truth that I feel trapped and controlled by her and that I don't think its possible for me to be myself and happy and her to be in my life in this way.

I will read the workshops and try the techniques, Tuum.  I'm just mostly concerned with the fact that I feel like, aside from the issues she has mentally, I just don't think our values and beliefs and desires match.  I mean, her issues mud everything up, but on top of it, as healthy people, this would be a sticky situation.  Perhaps we could both look at the situation and say, "Well, this was a mistake, but lets figure the situation out."  But it feels like that possibility is circumvented by her disorder and my issues with trying to please people and not wanting to hurt her/her children/be without my son.

[tuum est61]

I will read the workshops and try the techniques, Tuum.  I'm just mostly concerned with the fact that I feel like, aside from the issues she has mentally, I just don't think our values and beliefs and desires match.  I mean, her issues mud everything up, but on top of it, as healthy people, this would be a sticky situation.  Perhaps we could both look at the situation and say, "Well, this was a mistake, but lets figure the situation out."  But it feels like that possibility is circumvented by her disorder and my issues with trying to please people and not wanting to hurt her/her children/be without my son.

WF,

This is a particularly sticky situation because you arent dealing with "healthy people." 

Its HARD to validate.  You won't feel particularly good while doing it.   But you will feel better in the days and weeks and months after you  start using it - regardless of whether she responds or changes.  It ends the cycle of conflict and that will have you feeling better about yourself - which allows you to feel better about your gf, AND your relationship.

[tuum est61]

 

And she ended up upset with me because I wasn't expressing any emotion about the self consciousness she was stating, even though it sounded more like she was making a political statement about how my ex is destroying what women have worked for for hundreds of years.  

You need to express emotion (empathy) about the self conciousness she was stating - EVEN though it sounds like your ex is destroying... .

EVEN if you don't agree.  

"I can see how my ex posting revealing pictures of herself would cause a lot of trouble for you."  "Women have come a long way and for a woman to act like that bothers you a lot."  

And if it bothers you too, its okay to agree too.   But stay away from defensive stuff like "She's blocked from me."  "She's not my w/gf anymore"  "Why does it matter what she does"  

And pretty well stay away from your feelings while she is expressing hers.  Its HARD to do that.  Pick another time or accept a fact that you will have to get your validation elsewhere - your gf isnt capable.