I just did the worst thing an adoptive parent, and parent of a BPD could ever do

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so angry with 13 y/o DD over her refusal to do a big chore she promised me she would do yesterday. I told her for doing this job I would take her to the mall and get her a shirt from Maui Nix (it really is an over and above job). She was about 1/3 done and it started raining, so we went to the mall (first mistake). She is now telling me that it will take too long (has nothing else to do today except softball practice at 6 PM) and she will get all hot, dirty and tired if she does it (ya think? What a pity!).  I just did something though in anger (besides slamming doors around the house for the past hour) that no adoptive parent should ever do, and I took off in the car without telling her where I was going!  That is big no no because of their intense fear of abandonment and I know that, but it was like I didn't have the power to stop myself.  I feel badly about what I did, but cannot undo it.  I need some wise advice.  I need suggestions for ideas for sane punishment please!  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Maybe you could use this twofold.  First start by saying, "I want to apologize for storming out of the house and not telling, (taking responsibility for the action) AND I realized that I was so ______ (emotion ie: angry, sad, hurt) that I could not keep my emotions in check so I felt I needed to put myself on break till I calmed down (DBT vacation skill).   I would really like to talk about what upset me.

My T has been working with me on this in three steps and they are:

When you __________

It makes me feel hit_____

What can we do so that this doesn't happen again hit_________ or

I would like you to _____hit.

I use this not only with DD but with others two.  It is specific to the behavior (your not a bad person, I don't like XXX).  It labels the emotion I am feeling and it helps to move forward.

BTW forgive yourself, you are human like all of us and our kids need to see that.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Maybe you could use this twofold.  First start by saying, "I want to apologize for storming out of the house and not telling, (taking responsibility for the action) AND I realized that I was so ______ (emotion ie: angry, sad, hurt) that I could not keep my emotions in check so I felt I needed to put myself on break till I calmed down (DBT vacation skill).   I would really like to talk about what upset me.

My T has been working with me on this in three steps and they are:

When you __________

It makes me feel hit_____

What can we do so that this doesn't happen again hit_________ or

I would like you to _____hit.

I use this not only with DD but with others two.  It is specific to the behavior (your not a bad person, I don't like XXX).  It labels the emotion I am feeling and it helps to move forward.

BTW forgive yourself, you are human like all of us and our kids need to see that.

Griz

This is very good!  I might just tweak this statement to be:

When that happened I felt______.

I think staying away from "makes me feel" terminology keeps the ownership and control of emotions where they belong... . with self.

Owning fully your thoughts, feelings, and actions models the same for your dd13.  That she went to the mall for the reward before the job was finished was not the best choice... . was this something you enabled?  If so, set it up to be understood that it was not the best choice and won't be happening again... . that is if you intend to enforce it.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, BioAdoptMom3    I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad... . Now, I am not an adoptive mom, but it seems to me that you are beating yourself up too much~~what you did might not have been very helpful for your daughter, but it could've been worse, and you have realized your mistake... . Did your daughter react terribly? Is she OK now? Are the 2 of you talking?

I think griz's 3-step technique sounds good... . Knowing my own dBPDs36's way of reacting to things, I would only make 2 changes if I were to do this:


When you __________: to: "When this happens:hit_________"

It makes me feel hit_____: to: "I feel_______________"

What can we do so that this doesn't happen again hit_________ or

I would like you to _____hit.

And, yeah... . You are human like the rest of us; give yourself a break  

And, sane punishment for whom? You?   (Sorry about that; I couldn't resist!) Or, your daughter for not completing the task? If she hasn't completed the task yet, why not make the shirt you bought stay in your possession until the task is completed, at which time it's hers for real? I don't know, but when I was a girl something like that would've worked for me  

[twojaybirds]

Oh nor RR there is a lot worse you could have done. 

Keep "I" statements  fully "I"

In this situation I might say:

I get frustrated when I feel let down.  In this case I needed a break so I left to be by myself to cool down.

Mind you I came up with this in a very calm spot so again don't beat yourself up just learn from it, as this whole thing is a continual learning process.

[jellibeans]

don't live in the past... . you can only go forward and try to do better next time... . don't beat yourself up. Have a talk with your dd and this could be a good example that no one is prefect... . we all make mistakes and taking ownership of it and acknowledging that is the first step to improving the future actions. Would this be called shaping? Showing and modeling behaviors?

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thank you all for helping me to feel so much better  !  Your suggestions for what to say are great!  I learned that skill in my early childhood classes so I don't know I don't impliment it with my own kids   !  Things are fine now!  She went next door to feed a cat she for whom she is caring this week and while there I texted her and told her if the job wasn't started in one hour from now we were cutting off her phone.  I am proud of myself for also validating by telling her I know it is hot and you're going to get dirty, but... . (and by the way, she plays softball - steals, slides into bases, etc. so I don't know where this concern about getting dirty came from  !  She has been calling me mommy for the rest of the day and doing exactly what I ask her to do.  I guess she's feeling guilty!

Thanks again for helping me  !