Sexual toughts / fear & addiction

[tribalmart]

I'm also trying to forget her amazing physical attribute by telling to myself that this is not the only sensual and beautiful in the world. Her level of beauty will be diffiult to replace but her toxic behaviour no! Believe me, we are still addict, still affected by this "drug" but soon the withdrawal stage will be over... .then, we will realize that this break-up is not the end of our life! There's many SANE women that can give you real good sex! And you know what I prefer not being with a top model and being with someone true!

[Lonely_Astro]

I'm also trying to forget her amazing physical attribute by telling to myself that this is not the only sensual and beautiful in the world. Her level of beauty will be diffiult to replace but her toxic behaviour no! Believe me, we are still addict, still affected by this "drug" but soon the withdrawal stage will be over... .then, we will realize that this break-up is not the end of our life! There's many SANE women that can give you real good sex! And you know what I prefer not being with a top model and being with someone true!

Yes, I say that it's like being an addict.  I find myself reminiscing about the good times.  I know now it was all fake, but the passion was intense.  I will miss seeing her nude (even though she hated being nude around me, I reveled in seeing her tanned skin and freckles).  She did this little lip bite that drove me insane and made me melt instantly.  She is absolutely stunning (a fact she knows and uses it as a weapon, sadly, even though she despises herself).  Sigh.

Completely not sexual in nature, the one thing I will miss is having her head in my lap and I stroking her hair.  She has a great head of hair that I will miss being able to feel.  I will also miss her smell.  It wasn't her perfume, perhaps it was her tanning lotion, I don't know.  There was just something comforting about it.  I dislike getting a whiff of it from time to time because it brings me right back to those great moments of intimacy I had with her.

It sucks.  Why did she have to have a disorder that is so unkind to her and the rest of the world?  She has so much to give, yet can't see it.

[beatrixkiddo]

I too found the pull of the romantic intensity that is very much a common denominator of pwBPD. After many conversations with other fellow partners of such, I have developed my own theory that is still in progress. I believe that the intensity of emotions that is associated with BPD transcends both the "good" and sometimes "evil" parts of their personalities. Which is exactly what keeps us "Nons" stuck. The same intensity that can feel so evil, can also be channeled with the same intensity of their "good." Which can be extremely intoxicating. They can seem to be as intensely "good" as they can be "evil." Both are real. But the damage that it does to us is also real. It's nearly impossible to see clearly when we are "in" it. It takes some time apart to regain perspective and recognize the damage that has occurred within. And that damage can be devastating. Facing and tackling it is tough. But necessary. Whether staying or leaving... .having a good base off which to bounce such emotions is crucial.

[Lonely_Astro]

I too found the pull of the romantic intensity that is very much a common denominator of pwBPD. After many conversations with other fellow partners of such, I have developed my own theory that is still in progress. I believe that the intensity of emotions that is associated with BPD transcends both the "good" and sometimes "evil" parts of their personalities. Which is exactly what keeps us "Nons" stuck. The same intensity that can feel so evil, can also be channeled with the same intensity of their "good." Which can be extremely intoxicating. They can seem to be as intensely "good" as they can be "evil." Both are real. But the damage that it does to us is also real. It's nearly impossible to see clearly when we are "in" it. It takes some time apart to regain perspective and recognize the damage that has occurred within. And that damage can be devastating. Facing and tackling it is tough. But necessary. Whether staying or leaving... .having a good base off which to bounce such emotions is crucial.

It's basically intermittent reinforcement.  Sex, it seems, is a weaponized into a form of manipulation/control by a lot of BPDs.  I'm not saying they don't enjoy it when they have a connection to someone, but they will also sleep with someone to make that person think better of the person with BPD.  I can't say this is true about all BPDs, but with mine that was the case.  We had a candid conversation about her past lovers once.  A former lover of hers (she slept with him once several years ago) heard that I was seeing Jane, he felt the need to ask me about our sex life (I have known him longer than Jane, hence why he didn't mind asking).  I was pretty mum because a) Im usually private about such things and b) I knew she wouldn't like me 'comparing' notes on it.  Anyway, he proceeded to tell me about how she was a dead fish in the bed and not worth the time.  My experience with her was completely the opposite.  I did tell Jane about the conversation because it bothered me (this was during a moment of her being lucid, btw).  She admitted to me that she had slept with him even though she really didn't want to because she had felt pressured to do so.

It's one of the things that I am struggling with currently: the idea that someone else is getting the intensity, the passion, and (frankly) the love that I once was receiving.  The reality is, no matter how much I want to pretend she hasn't replaced me, she has.  I can't get back with her what I once had and really should I want to, knowing what I do know?  I'm kind of raw right now because I had to go by my office this morning and out of a compulsive need to 'know', I drove by her house and her car wasn't there (her house is on the way to my office).  This was super early, way to early for her to be up on a Saturday (I know for a fact she sleeps in late on Saturdays), so she didn't spend the night at home last night.  How I reached that conclusion was that we were supposed to meet last night but she went silent around 5PM (after sending me an odd response - which I think was meant for her new beau).  I sent her a message around 7PM asking if we were going to still meet, she never replied.  The message doesn't show as read, so my guess is she was with her new flame and didn't want the guilt of reading my text, so she either ignored it or deleted it immediately.  The end result is the same, she is being abusive and showing me she's in control/dominant by ignoring me (and by making plans then breaking them without a single word about it).

I'm sure if I were to confront her about it (which I won't) and if she came clean about replacing me, she would blame me for it (by saying I had grown distant or I said something that upset her or whatever else to justify it to herself).  I wasn't going to drive by, but I just had to satisfy the craving of knowing I was right and I had to know.  Since I am not going to get the closure I need from her face to face, I need to do what I need to do to bring it to myself.

I've tried not to ruminate on why it all fell apart or why I fell for her lies/deception again and again over the course of this year.  I do, however, believe there were times during this year that I was loved so greatly by her.  I will miss that.  I will miss who I know she wants to be (and gave me, albeit briefly).  I will miss the passionate lovemaking I experienced with her.  I think what hurts the most though is knowing that the future I had envisioned for us is no longer a possibility.  I had so many experiences I wanted to share with her and now thats just gone.  Grieving is a process; I guess I'll have to do like I did 4 years ago and 'pretend' that my Jane died and live with seeing her doppelgänger everyday.  It's going to be tough when it comes out that she's moved on and I have to hear about it.

Sometimes I wish I could just turn off people/emotions like they do.  It would make this all so much easier.

[Freeatlast_1]

Lonely

Your story resonates with mine. My issue however is that despite knowing my ex is suffering from a horrible illness, I just wanted to be there for her and help her. I feel that her "good" is more than her "bad". We have been LC x 2 months with, last time we texted was a brief back and forth text about missing each other 3 weeks ago then since NC. I am not sure she's replaced me but it's highly likely as she cannot be alone, she needs constant attention. My life without her is OK, pretty routine but I'd be lying if I say that I don't wish she is back in my life, and I wish I can help her through therapy. I feel that as a victim of pwBPD that I find any reason to try to convince myself to move on, whether remembering bad times or her rages etc... .I sometimes think I am fooling myself to dislike the girl I truly love/ed. I simply cannot stop loving or wanting that girl no matter how horrific she acted. That is the simple truth. I am still staying away, because I feel if I contact her she might release the monster and traumatize me, or maybe she will break down and cry about how she misses me... .I will never know, sadly. But it's the hardest thing I ever had to do... .is to trick myself that life is good without her. It's not the same, other dates aren't the same, and the holidays are going to be rough without her. 

[C.Stein]

But it's the hardest thing I ever had to do... .is to trick myself that life is good without her.

I hope for you and me both that it won't be long before we don't have to trick ourselves anymore.

[Technique]

Am 14 months out, and yes, initially I did miss the hot sex, although upon reflection it was far more than that. Sex was the closest I ever felt to her. She was simply unable to be intimate. To her sex WAS intimacy.

Now, I focus far more on the negative elements of the relationship, and there were too many of those.

The bottom line is I would prefer someone I can enjoy my time with, even without a gold in bedroom olympics. Someone who I capable and willing to shine back depth and retrospection.

Anyway, is great sex THAT important in a relationship?

[C.Stein]

Anyway, is great sex THAT important in a relationship?

I don't think sex is that important in a relationship.  The sex constitutes such a small portion of the relationship how could it be all that important?   The more important aspects are the friendship and the day to day interactions.  These are what drive the relationship IMO and are ultimately the truest indication of relationship health.

[WuTanger100]

It's one of the things that I am struggling with currently: the idea that someone else is getting the intensity, the passion, and (frankly) the love that I once was receiving.  The reality is, no matter how much I want to pretend she hasn't replaced me, she has.  I can't get back with her what I once had and really should I want to, knowing what I do know?... .

... .I'm kind of raw right now because I had to go by my office this morning and out of a compulsive need to 'know', I drove by her house and her car wasn't there (her house is on the way to my office).  This was super early, way to early for her to be up on a Saturday (I know for a fact she sleeps in late on Saturdays), so she didn't spend the night at home last night.

I know exactly how you feel.  I know for a fact she has a rebound and was speaking to him on Tinder before we even split up and met up with him for a drink 3 days after we broke up.  She was sleeping with him only 2 weeks later.  It eats away that I used to have everything he now has and will have (before it inevitabley goes wrong).  She is saying all the things and doing the things she did with me during idealisation to hook him in.  But THAT'S what I'm trying to focus on.  IT WILL go wrong.  It might last a bit longer or shorter but in the end it will implode like all her previous relationships. Without some serious hard work she will not change.  For me it's this self doubt that I just wasn't the one for her, that I wasn't able to 'tame' her and that this new guy will, but I'm starting to realise it's not like that by any stretch of the imagination.

If you read my other posts you will see I stay over the corridor from my uBPDxgf.  On Saturday there I was acutely aware she wasn't working and knew she'd with the guy.  I'd been doing pretty well that evening.  I had the PS4 on, some music in the background and a beer.  But then I heard her door going and I couldn't resist going to the spyhole in my door.  That's when I saw her flatmate taking her puppy out for a walk (which is usually always my ex) and at that point I knew she was more than likely with the rebound and I started freaking out about what they were doing at that moment.

I've got to say though, driving back from work this afternoon, some of the FOG magically shifted and I didn't feel so bad.  It was weird, nothing really propmpted it, it just sort of happened.  I came to the realisation that she really did have an illness and that I wasn't going to be the last guy to be messed around by her and it took the sting out of feeling like I'd lost 'the one',  I started seeing her for this messed up little girl in emotional turmoil.  It didn't matter how sexy, beautiful or confident she had been at times.  I started remembering the (many) times she let the mask drop and she was depressed, scared and insecure.

[tribalmart]

WuTanger100,

I've read your story and I think you deserve sincere congratulation. Living so close to your ex is a daily challenge and I can figure what it is?

You are so right when you wrote... ."when she let the mask drop". We must never forget that negative stuff and all the consequnces on our well being. Sex is very important for a sane r/s but that's not all! It's not supposed to become a kind of weapon that they use as they wish. Living hell 90% of the time to have "great" sex... .no way. And now I realise that this "great" sex was only illusion. Yes, they are human so they do enjoy it in the heat of the moment... .but they switch so fast between different mood. They can say "I love you, you are my soulmate, the man of my dreams" and ten minutes later texting a potential rebound. So is "great" sex with BPD worth it? My speech is gonna rude but sex with them is almost like paying for sexual service... .it's not more sincere or really "true"... .Maybe it's my opinion because I've been hurt and cheated many times but it's the way I feel now... .So NO WAY!

[WuTanger100]

My ex was very hypersexual. She wanted it all the time and had lots of sexy underwear etc. I'm a guy and I love sex as much as the next guy (no pun intended!). At first it was frenetic and I was enticed. But now looking back on it, it became stale. I lost the excitement after a while AND EVEN on a few occasions didn't want it. She became robotic. The appetite didn't drop but it just became the same identical steps. The other thing I noticed is she ended up turning into a selfish lover. Without going into too many details I was happy to do something for her but when it came to reciprocating I can count on maybe 2 hands how often she did.

[Someguywrote]

Anyway, is great sex THAT important in a relationship?

Absolutely. One of the fundamentals.

[tribalmart]

Omg sexy underwear, lingerie... .i am kind of addict to that and its one of the thing i am really afraid of never find again. I need to convice myself that I could find satisfaction in a sane relationship... .but i did alot of progress because im not the slave anymore... .she cannot do or ask anything just for sex... .this time is over!

[Lonely_Astro]

It's one of the things that I am struggling with currently: the idea that someone else is getting the intensity, the passion, and (frankly) the love that I once was receiving.  The reality is, no matter how much I want to pretend she hasn't replaced me, she has.  I can't get back with her what I once had and really should I want to, knowing what I do know?... .

... .I'm kind of raw right now because I had to go by my office this morning and out of a compulsive need to 'know', I drove by her house and her car wasn't there (her house is on the way to my office).  This was super early, way to early for her to be up on a Saturday (I know for a fact she sleeps in late on Saturdays), so she didn't spend the night at home last night.

I know exactly how you feel.  I know for a fact she has a rebound and was speaking to him on Tinder before we even split up and met up with him for a drink 3 days after we broke up.  She was sleeping with him only 2 weeks later.  It eats away that I used to have everything he now has and will have (before it inevitabley goes wrong).  She is saying all the things and doing the things she did with me during idealisation to hook him in.  But THAT'S what I'm trying to focus on.  IT WILL go wrong.  It might last a bit longer or shorter but in the end it will implode like all her previous relationships. Without some serious hard work she will not change.  For me it's this self doubt that I just wasn't the one for her, that I wasn't able to 'tame' her and that this new guy will, but I'm starting to realise it's not like that by any stretch of the imagination.

If you read my other posts you will see I stay over the corridor from my uBPDxgf.  On Saturday there I was acutely aware she wasn't working and knew she'd with the guy.  I'd been doing pretty well that evening.  I had the PS4 on, some music in the background and a beer.  But then I heard her door going and I couldn't resist going to the spyhole in my door.  That's when I saw her flatmate taking her puppy out for a walk (which is usually always my ex) and at that point I knew she was more than likely with the rebound and I started freaking out about what they were doing at that moment.

I've got to say though, driving back from work this afternoon, some of the FOG magically shifted and I didn't feel so bad.  It was weird, nothing really propmpted it, it just sort of happened.  I came to the realisation that she really did have an illness and that I wasn't going to be the last guy to be messed around by her and it took the sting out of feeling like I'd lost 'the one',  I started seeing her for this messed up little girl in emotional turmoil.  It didn't matter how sexy, beautiful or confident she had been at times.  I started remembering the (many) times she let the mask drop and she was depressed, scared and insecure.

That's sort of how I feel.  She didn't come to work today because she "had a family emergency".  My guess is that she either a) didn't want to come in because I was at the office today or b) she stayed off because my replacement/rebound/whatever was off work and she wanted to spend the day with him.  I have a suspicion as to who she may be seeing and I guess I could form a hypothesis and test to see if it's him or not, but frankly I'm not going to waste my energy.

On the topic of sexual thoughts, she always talked about how she loved to dress up in lingerie or other sexy clothing.  But, you know what?  Not once did she ever do it.  We always talked about it, but she never produced a single thing (other than a few sexy pairs of boy shorts or something like that, but man could she rock those shorts out!) that backed up her claim.  Even when sex was over, instead of laying there together and enjoying the afterglow she would hop up and put clothes on as fast as she could.  She said it was because she hated how she looked naked (I fully believe that, even though I reveled in it).  And just like yours, she always talked about how she enjoyed giving oral sex, but it wasn't that often that she did it.

With that being said, sex with her was full of passion there is no doubt.  I would be remiss if I didn't say that there was.  But, even with her talking about how much she "had to have" it in a r/s (3-4x week, minimum), I never did sleep with her that much.  Maybe twice a week and sometimes just once a week (and there were weeks that went by that I didn't sleep with her at all but that was due to situations more than desire, I think anyway).  She also would never talk about sex (whether in person or via text.  i.e., having playful banter to warm things up for the evening if we were planning a sexy time kind of night).  I'm actually beginning to wonder how she saw sex with me as a whole.  While she enjoyed the tease of sex, she rarely backed up her teasing if that makes sense (lingerie wearing, etc).

Still, that doesnt make life any easier for me in the moment, even knowing that it will come crumbling down for the new guy.  I want that back.  I want that experience just one more time and one more time after that and so on.  It's hard to break away from that connection and realize that it won't happen again.  It became a source of anxiety for me, but honestly I didn't care.  I wanted just one more go before it fell apart.  I know that's a crummy way to say it, but I didn't want that one more memory, anxiety or not.

[tribalmart]

Mine was very hot in bed, never refuse, open-minded, sexy lingerie & underwear, great body... .that's why it is so difficult to move on... .that aspect is my biggest challenge, I must overcome that anxiety (fear of not find it again).

There's a part of me that says:

- This is not the only beautiful girl on this planet to love and give sex

- This is not the only feminine woman to wear sexy underwear

- Sex is important but I have to find a sane woman first.

I just can't understand myself... .

-I'm a good looking guy, good job, great car, good social skills, great apartment, good family, good friends, my daughter is lovely

-Otherwise, I feel old (I'm 38 my ex is 29)

-I'm a single dad who doesnt want anymore kid, that's gonna be hard to find another great young woman!

-I'm in good health but I'm suffering of chronic daily headaches that put limitation to some aspect in my life (special diet and alcohol intake). This condition is under control with preventive medication, but I know some women will be "afraid" of it

I know I have a big problem with my self-esteem... .even before dating my exBPDgf I had the same problem. Since we broke up it's even worse... .the wound is re-opened and deeper! Losing my exBPDgf is not the end of my life... .it supposed to be the start of a new life, with so many opportunities, the chance to built a sane r/s! But with my actual mindset and all these negative tought I will never be able to move on!

[hergestridge]

It's one of the things that I am struggling with currently: the idea that someone else is getting the intensity, the passion, and (frankly) the love that I once was receiving.  The reality is, no matter how much I want to pretend she hasn't replaced me, she has.  I can't get back with her what I once had and really should I want to, knowing what I do know?... .

... .I'm kind of raw right now because I had to go by my office this morning and out of a compulsive need to 'know', I drove by her house and her car wasn't there (her house is on the way to my office).  This was super early, way to early for her to be up on a Saturday (I know for a fact she sleeps in late on Saturdays), so she didn't spend the night at home last night.

I know exactly how you feel.  I know for a fact she has a rebound and was speaking to him on Tinder before we even split up and met up with him for a drink 3 days after we broke up.  She was sleeping with him only 2 weeks later.  It eats away that I used to have everything he now has and will have (before it inevitabley goes wrong).  She is saying all the things and doing the things she did with me during idealisation to hook him in.  But THAT'S what I'm trying to focus on.  IT WILL go wrong.  It might last a bit longer or shorter but in the end it will implode like all her previous relationships. Without some serious hard work she will not change.  For me it's this self doubt that I just wasn't the one for her, that I wasn't able to 'tame' her and that this new guy will, but I'm starting to realise it's not like that by any stretch of the imagination.

If you read my other posts you will see I stay over the corridor from my uBPDxgf.  On Saturday there I was acutely aware she wasn't working and knew she'd with the guy.  I'd been doing pretty well that evening.  I had the PS4 on, some music in the background and a beer.  But then I heard her door going and I couldn't resist going to the spyhole in my door.  That's when I saw her flatmate taking her puppy out for a walk (which is usually always my ex) and at that point I knew she was more than likely with the rebound and I started freaking out about what they were doing at that moment.

I've got to say though, driving back from work this afternoon, some of the FOG magically shifted and I didn't feel so bad.  It was weird, nothing really propmpted it, it just sort of happened.  I came to the realisation that she really did have an illness and that I wasn't going to be the last guy to be messed around by her and it took the sting out of feeling like I'd lost 'the one',  I started seeing her for this messed up little girl in emotional turmoil.  It didn't matter how sexy, beautiful or confident she had been at times.  I started remembering the (many) times she let the mask drop and she was depressed, scared and insecure.

That's sort of how I feel.  She didn't come to work today because she "had a family emergency".  My guess is that she either a) didn't want to come in because I was at the office today or b) she stayed off because my replacement/rebound/whatever was off work and she wanted to spend the day with him.  I have a suspicion as to who she may be seeing and I guess I could form a hypothesis and test to see if it's him or not, but frankly I'm not going to waste my energy.

On the topic of sexual thoughts, she always talked about how she loved to dress up in lingerie or other sexy clothing.  But, you know what?  Not once did she ever do it.  We always talked about it, but she never produced a single thing (other than a few sexy pairs of boy shorts or something like that, but man could she rock those shorts out!) that backed up her claim.  Even when sex was over, instead of laying there together and enjoying the afterglow she would hop up and put clothes on as fast as she could.  She said it was because she hated how she looked naked (I fully believe that, even though I reveled in it).  And just like yours, she always talked about how she enjoyed giving oral sex, but it wasn't that often that she did it.

With that being said, sex with her was full of passion there is no doubt.  I would be remiss if I didn't say that there was.  But, even with her talking about how much she "had to have" it in a r/s (3-4x week, minimum), I never did sleep with her that much.  Maybe twice a week and sometimes just once a week (and there were weeks that went by that I didn't sleep with her at all but that was due to situations more than desire, I think anyway).  She also would never talk about sex (whether in person or via text.  i.e., having playful banter to warm things up for the evening if we were planning a sexy time kind of night).  I'm actually beginning to wonder how she saw sex with me as a whole.  While she enjoyed the tease of sex, she rarely backed up her teasing if that makes sense (lingerie wearing, etc).

Still, that doesnt make life any easier for me in the moment, even knowing that it will come crumbling down for the new guy.  I want that back.  I want that experience just one more time and one more time after that and so on.  It's hard to break away from that connection and realize that it won't happen again.  It became a source of anxiety for me, but honestly I didn't care.  I wanted just one more go before it fell apart.  I know that's a crummy way to say it, but I didn't want that one more memory, anxiety or not.

I recognize all the talk about enjoying sex, wanting to do this and that... .which never seemed to happen! Now when I more about BPD this makes sense. Once she was aroused or "in the mood" my ex wife would make various statements that were probably true. Then.

But once she was not feeling the same way (not aroused), none of the things she said would make sense and she pretended like she had never said them in the first place.

Normally, things people say in the heat of the moment has some truth to them and have some sort of longevity. To me it seems this is not true for pwBPD. A few hours later - a whole new mindset.

My ex wife would talk about how often she wanted sex and she talked about things I could do to get her fired up. Then she didn't want sex for weeks and none of the things she had mentioned worked to get her fired up. She just seemed insulted when I made a "move" on her.

One my really big mistakes was believing in what my exwife said. This led to so much disappointment and so many misunderstandings. Towards the end of our relationship I stopped taking her statements and promises seriously and they didn't work to "get me going" like they used to. This made my wife resentful and bitter. She was used to throw me bones every now and then to keep me happy.

[Forteventur]

Omg sexy underwear, lingerie... .i am kind of addict to that and its one of the thing i am really afraid of never find again. I need to convice myself that I could find satisfaction in a sane relationship... .but i did alot of progress because im not the slave anymore... .she cannot do or ask anything just for sex... .this time is over!

My exgf was great in bed, she made me feel I was great too, hah. Yeah, I'm afraid to never find someone else with whom I'd share the same intimacy and intensity, the same fantasies I shared with her.

She found out what my fantasy was, once. At first she hated it, said I made her sick, then she got aroused by it, then she felt disgusted. One day, after a couple of weeks in bad terms, SHE said she wanted to meet and try "that thing". Okay.

We both liked it, no problem with that. Except for her. She now uses it to attack me whenever I try to contact her, she says I disgust her because of it. Will she ever say to me that she also wanted and liked it too? Hell, no.

[ShatteredSoul]

Hello, I'm now 3 1/2 months out of a 9 1/2 year relationship with my exBPDgf. There is not a day that goes by that i still don't think about her still. I'm trying to move on and get my life back together again to... .But I can say the sex was great from day one on. It only took me a few dates to get her into my bed. Once she was there the next few months was non stop everyday. She hated and after our 1st time together  refused to use condoms. So i was free to "let it go" anywhere with the exception of not getting her pregnant. There was no boundaries and the rougher it got got the more it turned her on. After the first 6 months or so she started to slow down and want more of a commitment from me. Once she got that, she basically just used sex as a tool and a way to keep me in line. We broke up many times only to get back together and as soon as we would get back together the sex was again intense and insane for a few months... .then wash and repeat again. This went on for years... .Sex was'nt fun anymore it started to feel like a game and it was very cold and empty. Sure we got off and then it was ok, lets go watch tv or... .grab some food. Of all the problems we had in the relationship, when we were in the "high point" sex was where her and i never really had a problem.

Now that she is gone and moved onto a new guy. I do think of all the wild times and great sex i'm missing out on and he now gets. But then i sit back and think, after this "sex phase" is over for her and the disorder kicks in then it will only be a matter of time before another person is crushed under her and this disorder. It's really a shame i thought she was my soulmate and i found that one true love.  I found out that i miss the sex, i miss what i thought was love, I miss the companionship. My biggest fear is that i will never totally get over her and that i will never find another person to fill me up with the same love, passion and thrill of life that she did.

They say time will heal all wounds. Right now i'm broken. I'm a shell of the person i used to be. But every day i try to piece myself back together and pray that i can get all these fears and thoughts out of my head.  BPD  people can be intoxicating and i had been drunk on my exBPDgf for almost a decade. I have a long road ahead of me still. I wish you luck. These message boards are very helpful and honest.

[Lonely_Astro]

It's one of the things that I am struggling with currently: the idea that someone else is getting the intensity, the passion, and (frankly) the love that I once was receiving.  The reality is, no matter how much I want to pretend she hasn't replaced me, she has.  I can't get back with her what I once had and really should I want to, knowing what I do know?... .

... .I'm kind of raw right now because I had to go by my office this morning and out of a compulsive need to 'know', I drove by her house and her car wasn't there (her house is on the way to my office).  This was super early, way to early for her to be up on a Saturday (I know for a fact she sleeps in late on Saturdays), so she didn't spend the night at home last night.

I know exactly how you feel.  I know for a fact she has a rebound and was speaking to him on Tinder before we even split up and met up with him for a drink 3 days after we broke up.  She was sleeping with him only 2 weeks later.  It eats away that I used to have everything he now has and will have (before it inevitabley goes wrong).  She is saying all the things and doing the things she did with me during idealisation to hook him in.  But THAT'S what I'm trying to focus on.  IT WILL go wrong.  It might last a bit longer or shorter but in the end it will implode like all her previous relationships. Without some serious hard work she will not change.  For me it's this self doubt that I just wasn't the one for her, that I wasn't able to 'tame' her and that this new guy will, but I'm starting to realise it's not like that by any stretch of the imagination.

If you read my other posts you will see I stay over the corridor from my uBPDxgf.  On Saturday there I was acutely aware she wasn't working and knew she'd with the guy.  I'd been doing pretty well that evening.  I had the PS4 on, some music in the background and a beer.  But then I heard her door going and I couldn't resist going to the spyhole in my door.  That's when I saw her flatmate taking her puppy out for a walk (which is usually always my ex) and at that point I knew she was more than likely with the rebound and I started freaking out about what they were doing at that moment.

I've got to say though, driving back from work this afternoon, some of the FOG magically shifted and I didn't feel so bad.  It was weird, nothing really propmpted it, it just sort of happened.  I came to the realisation that she really did have an illness and that I wasn't going to be the last guy to be messed around by her and it took the sting out of feeling like I'd lost 'the one',  I started seeing her for this messed up little girl in emotional turmoil.  It didn't matter how sexy, beautiful or confident she had been at times.  I started remembering the (many) times she let the mask drop and she was depressed, scared and insecure.

That's sort of how I feel.  She didn't come to work today because she "had a family emergency".  My guess is that she either a) didn't want to come in because I was at the office today or b) she stayed off because my replacement/rebound/whatever was off work and she wanted to spend the day with him.  I have a suspicion as to who she may be seeing and I guess I could form a hypothesis and test to see if it's him or not, but frankly I'm not going to waste my energy.

On the topic of sexual thoughts, she always talked about how she loved to dress up in lingerie or other sexy clothing.  But, you know what?  Not once did she ever do it.  We always talked about it, but she never produced a single thing (other than a few sexy pairs of boy shorts or something like that, but man could she rock those shorts out!) that backed up her claim.  Even when sex was over, instead of laying there together and enjoying the afterglow she would hop up and put clothes on as fast as she could.  She said it was because she hated how she looked naked (I fully believe that, even though I reveled in it).  And just like yours, she always talked about how she enjoyed giving oral sex, but it wasn't that often that she did it.

With that being said, sex with her was full of passion there is no doubt.  I would be remiss if I didn't say that there was.  But, even with her talking about how much she "had to have" it in a r/s (3-4x week, minimum), I never did sleep with her that much.  Maybe twice a week and sometimes just once a week (and there were weeks that went by that I didn't sleep with her at all but that was due to situations more than desire, I think anyway).  She also would never talk about sex (whether in person or via text.  i.e., having playful banter to warm things up for the evening if we were planning a sexy time kind of night).  I'm actually beginning to wonder how she saw sex with me as a whole.  While she enjoyed the tease of sex, she rarely backed up her teasing if that makes sense (lingerie wearing, etc).

Still, that doesnt make life any easier for me in the moment, even knowing that it will come crumbling down for the new guy.  I want that back.  I want that experience just one more time and one more time after that and so on.  It's hard to break away from that connection and realize that it won't happen again.  It became a source of anxiety for me, but honestly I didn't care.  I wanted just one more go before it fell apart.  I know that's a crummy way to say it, but I didn't want that one more memory, anxiety or not.

I recognize all the talk about enjoying sex, wanting to do this and that... .which never seemed to happen! Now when I more about BPD this makes sense. Once she was aroused or "in the mood" my ex wife would make various statements that were probably true. Then.

But once she was not feeling the same way (not aroused), none of the things she said would make sense and she pretended like she had never said them in the first place.

Normally, things people say in the heat of the moment has some truth to them and have some sort of longevity. To me it seems this is not true for pwBPD. A few hours later - a whole new mindset.

My ex wife would talk about how often she wanted sex and she talked about things I could do to get her fired up. Then she didn't want sex for weeks and none of the things she had mentioned worked to get her fired up. She just seemed insulted when I made a "move" on her.

One my really big mistakes was believing in what my exwife said. This led to so much disappointment and so many misunderstandings. Towards the end of our relationship I stopped taking her statements and promises seriously and they didn't work to "get me going" like they used to. This made my wife resentful and bitter. She was used to throw me bones every now and then to keep me happy.

I think you're absolutely correct in that in the "heat of the moment" they meant what they were saying and then "forgot" about it afterward.  Mine, in the beginning, was all about sexy teasing (photos of her in lingerie - sexy panties, I never once saw anything else she claimed to have -, sexy bantering, etc).  After a few months, that dried up.  She was almost embarrassed that she had sent me those types of photos.  It was like she "forgot" she ever did it. 

Sex was one of the highlights that we experienced, to be honest.  We could fight about everything else, but the sex worked.  It's been a few weeks since I last slept with her and I go in and out about what I would do if she suddenly offered it to me again (would I?  Wouldn't I?).  I almost have that "I would" answer, simply to experience it just one more time.  But I also know that would lead to me wanting it one more time and one more time after that, keeping me in the toxicity.  I'd like to stand here and tell you all I would be strong enough to deny her, but I can't say that.  I don't know what I would do if she called me suddenly and wanted to do it.  I feel like I'd tell her to hurry up and come over, even knowing I'm making a deal with the devil in the process.

[steve195915]

Wow, I'm amazed there's another situation like mine!  The sex with my BPD girlfriend is so amazing, best I ever had in my life.  She has multiple orgasms, sometimes up to 10 times and mostly at least 3 times and this makes me want to please her even more.  I'm 56 and never had sex like this and know it can never be like this with anyone else.  I think our sexual connection is why I find it so difficult to let her go.  I put up with so much verbal abuse, extreme jealousy and false accusations, being lied to and all her other issues but the the sex sure makes it hard to give her up as its such a strong emotional connection. I was wondering if its common for sex with a BPD partner to be so special?  Maybe its because they wear there emotions on their sleeves and also the non-BPD partner has such a strong emotional bond to the BPD.  Let's hear from others!

[Lonely_Astro]

Wow, I'm amazed there's another situation like mine!  The sex with my BPD girlfriend is so amazing, best I ever had in my life.  She has multiple orgasms, sometimes up to 10 times and mostly at least 3 times and this makes me want to please her even more.  I'm 56 and never had sex like this and know it can never be like this with anyone else.  I think our sexual connection is why I find it so difficult to let her go.  I put up with so much verbal abuse, extreme jealousy and false accusations, being lied to and all her other issues but the the sex sure makes it hard to give her up as its such a strong emotional connection. I was wondering if its common for sex with a BPD partner to be so special?  Maybe its because they wear there emotions on their sleeves and also the non-BPD partner has such a strong emotional bond to the BPD.  Let's hear from others!

The short answer is, yes we have such a bond (even though it is false, but not to us) that it makes sex not just sex but true lovemaking.  That adds passion and intensity.  I'm not saying that BPDs don't enjoy it themselves, but we are looking at it through two different perspectives (generically speaking).  We do it out of love and a willingness to be vulnerable to our partner.  They see it as form of control and needing to be needed.  Once again, that is a generic 'textbook' response as BPDs are individuals too and not all view sex the same way.

Would I say that my BPD partner is the best sex I have ever had?  It's hard to say.  I can think about something that I found to be great will all the partners I've slept with.  I think what makes her the most passionate that I've slept with is she seemed so perfect to me.  I sort of equate it to having a sexual dream.  Because, in it's own way, that's what it was.  It may have been 'real' to her (and me), but it wasn't healthy (sure, in that moment it probably was, but the price of admission wasn't worth it).

Now, I can easily say that she has been the most attractive of my partners (just being blunt).  Unfortunately, she hates her self image so I could never fully enjoy that (and she seemed to be turned off by me telling her how much I liked her physical attributes - regardless of how big or small).  Literally I could not find a part of her I didn't like, physically speaking.  Even if I had, I wouldn't have told her because of her self image issues (not that she has anything to worry about, but she never saw it that way and probably never will).  But, she 'knows' how attractive she is because she uses it as a weapon.  That's the issue with most BPDs, they weaponize everything that makes a r/s a r/s.  Then they turn it on you.

But, to stay on topic, I still often find myself fantasizing about her sexually.  That is until I start thinking about things outside of that, then my entire mood changes.