New Member--logistics of moving out with the kid?

[OddWalnut]

I'm a new member here.  On recently learned what BPD is and realized it describes my husband very well.  So now I have a framework for understanding his behavior, but if anything the literature on how to be in a relationship with a BPD makes me realize that I can't do it. There are so many things I wish were different.  For example--

I wish I didn't hear my biological clock ticking so loudly when I met and married him so quickly (was in my mid-thirties)
I wish DBT wasn't so hard to find and pay for (so few therapists and even harder to get appointments outside working hours)
I wish I trusted the therapist he does see more.  As it is, she may be making things worse.
I wish he had more friends and that his closest confidant wasn't his emotionally dysfunctional (NPD?) father
I wish he hadn't suffered abuse as a kid (from his mom and other family members)
I wish he weren't in so much pain all the time now and knew what a good, successful person he actually is

I think it's time to leave.  He's never been physically abusive, but he has threatened violence and is frequently verbally abusive.  He constantly talks of killing himself.  He yells when
our toddler is making too much noise.  He accuses me of picking a fight when I ask for help with the kid or with housework.  My needs never come first, and I'm exhausted.  I'm becoming embarrassed by my life.  I can't remember the last time I enjoyed his company or felt like we could have a calm, normal conversation about anything.

I feel like I need to leave before my child is old enough to be scared of his father or to see so much conflict as normal.  It breaks my heart that DH loves our child but doesn't know how to connect with him.  I grieve for the second child I thought I would have and for the family life I can't give my kid right now.  DH has been harassing me about my unwillingness to have another child right now.  I can't exactly tell him it's because I have no faith in him as a father, but we also haven't had sex since the child we have was born (and not so often before then).

Question is, how do I leave?  FWIW we are renters.  Do I ask him to move out?  Do I go but tell him what I'm doing?  Do I move out with no notice given (while he's at work)?  Are these all things I should ask a lawyer first? He refuses to ever watch the toddler for more than an hour or two.  I can't imagine he can handle having him for full days or weekends, but I have to assume he'd pursue full custody.  I'm scared of him becoming violent, and I'm scared of being hurt financially or of him interfering with my ability to work (such as by screwing with my childcare).

[ForeverDad]

Do get multiple legal consultations with family law attorneys.  Not only will you hear some variances on strategies, you'll also be able to choose one you feel is best for your situation and that you are comfortable to work with.

Remember that all your actions, research and consultations are CONFIDENTIAL.  Yes, if you were seeking to improve the relationship then of course that wouldn't be helpful.  But since you're considering the end of the marriage, then sharing the wrong information would be self-sabotaging to you.  So your spouse has no right to interrogate, manipulate, obligate or guilt you into disclosing anything you feel or know is confidential.

We here in peer support are also invaluable for ideas, suggestions, strategies that worked for us, strategies that failed for us, doomed (self-sabotaging) inclinations and attempts, etc.  Collectively we've "been there, done that".

[livednlearned]

Hi OddWalnut,

These are truly the most difficult relationships, none are harder. And when there are young children involved, it just makes things all the more challenging.

If you can abide the conflict for a bit longer, it might be worth putting together a watertight plan to exit safely, not only for you but for him. We can help walk you through some of the things to think about.

I waffled for four years, then planned in earnest for a full year, though my ex is what might be considered high on the high-conflict spectrum (also a former trial attorney  ). I managed to stay one step ahead of things because I had a plan when the wheels came off, and it made all the difference. If I can do it, you can too 

What does your H say when he threatens violence? Does he work outside the home? Does he abuse drugs or alcohol?

We can also help you learn some ways to contain the emotional arousal that makes things go from zero to 60 in three seconds flat. It's a lot to handle at once, and fortunately this is a great community to support you through the hard times. 

LnL