"Mother of the Year" Mask

[Babysteps]

Hey everyone. I'm getting extremely frustrated right now. My uBPD is driving me crazy. I'm away at college, and she still can get to me/use me. It pisses me off so much. She's always been "mother of the year". She goes around bragging about all the things she does for us. I swear, I feel half of the things she does for us is only for her to prove what an "amazing mother" she is. It eats me up that everyone falls for this stupid facade.

Some examples:

• I had a shared graduation party with my triplet siblings-except it wasn't our party, it was more a party for my mom "celebrating raising triplets" and "all the hard work she put in it"



• My triplet sister and I both made our colleges' Dean's List last semester. It was ALL because my mom helped us with our homework when we were kids... .   even though I went undiagnosed with learning disabilities until my Junior year in high school.



• All the community service I do is because she raised her child properly



• I'm pretty fit, so my so called "beauty" is all because of her



• Anything I do well, it's all because of her and she tells EVERYONE so she can look like such an amazing parent



• Anything I do wrong on facebook, she makes a status about too. Saying how her children don't love her. Like oh my god who cares?



• She posts those annoying passive aggressive picture-quotes on facebook involving how her children are too naive silly teenagers to appreciate her, how she always knows best, how no matter what, she loves us, all this fake BS stuff that makes her look good



• She is consistently posting on my profile those pictures, or old family pictures and saying how I'll always be her little girl



• She tries to be that "funny" parent on facebook who goes ahead and post on her children's statuses, belittling them/embarrassing them publicly



• She must always comment on my pictures, either calling me beautiful, or saying how she doesn't like this picture and I should have a different profile picture, or something stupid like that



• She always takes the pictures my friends tag me in, share's them, and be like "Oh, here's my little girl at college!"

I could list all day. I'm just so sick of it. She plays these mind games and everyone else buys into it. It's funny, she posts how much she "misses" me. Wow. Yeah, of course you miss me, you miss yelling at me and telling how I'm such a lazy, irresponsible, ungrateful daughter. You miss blaming all your problems and taking all your frustrations out on me. You love love me? Of course you do, I'm your possession, your little barbie doll that you not only try to live through, but also whip around and control for your own personal need. You enjoy using me to make yourself look better, who wouldn't love that?

I can't say anything about my mother because I know some of the people who have me on facebook always see her spamming my profile with those fake comments. They believe it and think "Wow, she's such an amazing mother! She must really love her daughter a lot". Then, it makes me look like a spoiled ungrateful brad (that my mom says I am) when I say I have mother problems. It eats me inside because they have no clue what I need to deal with. If I truly go ahead and tell them what is going on, they realize how messed up all of it is, and well more judging and blah. It's not fun having people realize how mentally ill your mother is. That's another negative stigma I don't want to deal with.

It's a difficult situation. I can't just delete my facebook or make another one. My mom will find out. I had old friends from back home and new friends from college both on there. You know how weird it is to tell them, add me again because this is my new facebook account! It looks suspicious. I need facebook because it keeps me in touch with my siblings & extended family, plus my old friends back home. I also use it for school a lot. I'm in several clubs that use facebook to keep in touch with people-I even run one of the facebook pages. There's always different events on campus that are shared through facebook. Plus, if I need to ask a classmate last minute about homework or something, I can quickly message them (I actually do this a lot-it's so helpful). It's sad that I have facebook so involved with my life, but it is how it is.

How do you guys handle the fake masks your pwBPD puts up?

[XL]

Mine's not so bad at doing that in public, but she waaaay overcompensates with cards and presents. Like telling me I was the best thing she's ever done in life (funny, I remember not 10 years ago her shaking with rage and telling me having kids wrecked her whole life). She also does that thing where she hugs me way too long. I'm also the target of massive over gifting. The more boundaries I set, the more presents I get; one of the boundaries is no more presents, so that makes my head explode. I hate every single holiday now, including my own birthday. I think she secretly knows she's on thin ice with me and is overcompensating. So maybe your mom's doing that.

She knows in her heart she's been screwing up and is trying to convince herself otherwise. A public relations campaign, if you will. It's the opposite of a smear campaign.

Can you make a list of your potential options? New account, block her, ask her not to post, etc.

[Kwamina]

Hi Babysteps,

This is difficult to deal with indeed because they wear their masks so convincingly. Many people have often only seen one of their masks, like their sweet mask or as you put it 'Mother of the Year' mask. This makes it hard for these people to believe there's also a totally different side to them. To answer your question about how I handle the fake masks, I basically do two things:

1. Drastically lower my expectations of them. I've accepted that I can't control them and that they probably won't ever change and now fully expect them to misbehave. This helps me stay calm when they do something annoying.

2. Don't take anything they say or do personally. This can be difficult but I've realized and have come more and more to accept that they just aren't normal people, they are wired completely differently than we are. In many ways I don't even take my BPD relatives seriously anymore because I see how emotionally unstable and immature they are. I don't look at them as 'real' people anymore in the sense that it's now clear to me that a lot of things are missing in them. Essential building blocks of what makes a 'normal' human being (empathy, remorse etc.) just aren't there. Realizing this helps me keep my emotions in check.

I hope these insights are of some help to you. Take care.

[healinghome]

mother of the year?  yup i can relate to that.  my BPDm used to ask lots of questions to find out what was happening in my life so she could regurgitate it all to other people to make her seem like she is a good mother and knows me well.  it was almost like i could hear her making notes on the phone.  the genuine concern or interest just isn't there, it took me having  conversations with others and learning about how it sounds and feels to me to have someone really interested in me and my life, to reolize that.

i read once that the only thing the wrong guy really does, is stop the right guy from connecting with you.  i think its the same for people who have an unharmonious effect on our lifes.  it stops us from meeting the really good people.  the more i move away from my foo, the more the right people are able to come into my life. 

the masks can convince so many people.  but you know its a mask, and in your life thats all that matters.

[OnlyChild]

Yes, my uBPD mom took credit for my looks, my intelligence, my education,  my quick-wit/ sense of humor, my work ethic (although she never had all that great of a work ethic), my artistic ability (that could be her... .   or my dad)... .   pretty much everything that makes me me she credit herself or the genes from her side of the family for.   She raised me as a single mom (likely a result of her behaviors) and for ever accomplishment I made, she deserved a medal for. 

God forbid that I have my own personality and talents.   I remember her telling someone that "we like brussel sprouts."    What she left out is that she may like them, but I'd rather eat my own shoe.   It was all about her, and all about enmeshing. 

I think it is healthy that this upsets us.  It should.  We are our own selves.  We are individuals.   We have a right to be ourselves.  Our esteem should not be sacrificed for the development of theirs. 

[Babysteps]

Thank you so much for everyone who responded! I'm sorry that I haven't responded until now. I'm in college, had a surprise first visit from my mom (she got there with my bro, aunt, and cousin at 10:30pm on thursday because they got lost... .   ) and also had an erm very drunken weekend which I'm going to make a whole another thread about.

With my mom visiting, like I said, it bothers me so much with the mask she puts up. Luckily, not that many people met my mom. But still. This is my safe haven. Her actions deeply bother me, rooted in my mind more than people realize. Having everyone think she's mother of the year makes it worse because it makes me look like the immature ungrateful person.

[OnlyChild]

Babysteps,

I'm so glad you have a safe place that you can be you.   Our BPD parents do have an amazing ability to show their good/fun side to everyone else and in the process make us feel like the crazy ones.   

Our affliction is so hidden, so incomprehensible to those who have no experience like ours.    It's crazy-making at it's best.   That is the worst part about it.

We need to believe in ourselves in order to heal and that is super-hard to do when we're constantly being made wrong.   

The friends you have now are YOURS.    Protect that.   

[ScarletOlive]

Hey there Babysteps,

Mm, I'm in college too, so I very much get where you're at. It sounds like you feel very hidden because of your mom's mask. You want to know the cool thing though? You're an adult now. You get to tell your own story. Your mom may wear a mask but that doesn't mean you have to uphold it for her. Can you tell a friend what you're going through? I don't know if you've seen the Survivor's Guide on the sidebar but it's really helpful.

I get what you mean about college being your safe haven. The surprise visit sounds very stressful. College is a place to be away and become your own person, so it would be really tough to have your mom come there unannounced.   How are you at setting boundaries with your mom? BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Take good care of yourself, dear one. Sending you much caring and support.

[lm1109]

I knew I was going to relate because of the title. I refer to my mom as "mother & Grandma of the year" to my husband all the time. I am 26 and have 2 little boys. My mom "just adores them" in front of people. Its all for show. If I EVER need help... .   which is RARE... . (dr apt, emergency, etc) she acts SOO annoyed, put out, and makes a huge issue out of it... . even though she has no job or life. She never offers to watch them, and when we visit she will play for a few minutes and then walk away. BUT the reason why she doesn't have a job? she is BUSY being a Grandma! Yes... .   she tells people that... . and I want to SCREAM! She will ask us to visit just so she can tell people she had the Grandkids. Then she tells them how trashed her house is, how she had to do a whole load of laundry after, ect... .   which are all lies! She calls me and wants to know about my life for conversation. To pretend like she is a part of it. She wants people to believe she is the "glue" of the family and takes care of everyone... . even though she is the mess! Its hard because the relationship feels so fake. We will go to my in-laws and I see them engaging with our kids... . and it makes me sad. Sad for my kids, and sad for me... .   because I never had that with my own mother... . or any outside family(she drove everyone out of our lives as kids) SHe does the opposite with me as well. Picks fights, creates non-exsistent drama to tell everyone how horrible I am to her, and how hard she has it! She did this all through my last pregnancy and then told me never to get pregnant again... . because SHE just cant handle it.   It is hard enough being a young mom with NO guidance or help from my own mother... . but for her to pretend she is mother and grandma of the year is disgusting and TOTALLY unbearable. The only thing she does for me is stress me out and use me as her muse to talk about! Sorry no advice here... .   just relating to you! Stay at college... . visit VERY little! 

[gloveman]

     Everyone who has posted on this thread has got it right.

     We have all been there and done that.

     Continue to collect and post injustices. What you are doing has a very real cathartic effect. So go ahead and complain away. It helps.

     We hear you

[Babysteps]

  Thank you everyone who responded!

OnlyChild- Thank you so much! I actually found this amazing guy at school who is everything I need to help me through this. I've never let my walls down this much before. I'm going to miss him so much over the summer though :/ He lives locally in the town my college is in. I live a couple hours away. I have some friends back home who can hopefully help me through this though.

ScarletOlive- I'm sorry that you can relate-I'm sorry that anyone can relate. How's college going with you? I know it can be a struggle to balance the two lives.

I've told some friends about this. Some of them try to help but really aren't sure, meanwhile some don't understand. But I also have at least one friend on campus who truly gets it. It's the same guy I told OnlyChild above. It's refreshing honestly having someone who is completely there for me, always listens, cares so much about me (to a degree I have never had before with ANYONE), and wants to help me through this so much. He is willing to do anything, which is so strange. I'm not use to that support. He really wants to help work me through this, and I'm blessed to have him.

I'm not really sure how to set boundaries. To a degree, I have some set. I read the link, thank you very much, it helped a lot! My problem is, my mother does not respect my boundaries. She thinks we are such awful children that do not respect her, so she won't respect us back, even though we are deeply respectful of her. It's like, no matter how much I try to communicate with her, not only does she not listen, she often throws it back at me verbally aggressively. For example, my mom decided to throw out my triplet sister's bed without telling us. I tried to calmly talk to her about it, saying how I'd wish she communicated with us about it first, and she starts giving me attitude and going on a rage. It doesn't matter what type of boundaries I set up with her, she's unpredictable and very irrational. Yes, there are personal boundaries I can have for myself, but those can only help to a degree.

lm1109- It's okay, believe me, this is actually comforting to read. It makes me not feel alone in my situation. That helps a lot. Sometimes people just need to know that there are other's who understand and willing to listen; sometimes advice is not always the place. So thank you so much for sharing!

I know what you mean. Although, my mom deeply wants grandchildren and I'm paranoid about her possible obsessing over them/using them as an item to make herself feel loved. If I ever have children, I do not want them to be treated like a pet or barbie doll, just like how she treats my siblings and me. It makes me so scared and question if I even want children. Idealistically, if I ever do get married, I would LOVE to have my own children. But I couldn't stand the idea of my mom exploiting my children. I wouldn't allow it. So it makes me question if having children one day would be a good idea. I don't want to raise my children in such a negative damaging environment.

gloveman-Thank you so much. I completely agree! That was refreshing to hear.

[Alparsons]

"Mother of the Year." That's a perfect description of it. I don't have the Facebook issues but I certainly understand the "taking credit for everything you ever did" aspect. I always phrased it as "my mother lives vicariously through me." She made me live the life she wanted but never got. Then weirdly enough, she gets jealous and inexplicably angry that I don't "appreciate" my life as much as I should. To the entire world it sounds ridiculous, I wanted for nothing. I was spoiled rotten. I had the best clothes, the best cell phone, I would get "grounded" but then could still go out if I made something up about how a boy I liked would be where I was. When that's what people see on a day-to-day basis, it's hard to explain the real problems you face.

I would have given it all up in a heartbeat to have a mother who was predictable, who didn't verbally and physically abuse me on a regular basis, who didn't degrade me, watch and comment on my every move and then take sole credit for every accomplishment I ever had. I'm almost 26 now, graduated law school last May, passed the bar and am working harder than ever to get where I want to be. I had a big high school graduation party and a big college graduation party. I didn't want that for my law school graduation. I wanted a brunch with my close family and then to spend the night with my friends from law school, many of which lived out of state and I likely wouldn't see again. I had to start studying for the Bar Exam immediately and felt like graduating didn't mean much if I never passed the Bar. BUT NO, my mother would never pass up an opportunity to be stressed out for weeks, complain that she had to throw me a party, throw the party so she could spend hours talking about how fabulous she is for raising a daughter who was capable of finishing law school and then btch at me for months on end about how much she spent and how unappreciative I am of the party she threw me. The second I even voiced an opinion on it she said, "Your a selfish b*tch, all you care about is yourself and all you want to do is get drunk with your friends." That couldn't have been further from the truth. I just didn't need the charade, once again. It was never really for my benefit anyway. My mother probably wouldn't have even noticed if I didn't show up.

I spent 25 and half years holding on to a lifetime's worth of anger. Anger that my mother legitimately thought she could "buy my forgiveness." That she could abuse me for days on end for having my cell phone stolen but then afterwards buy me an even better new one. In her mind that vetoed my right to complain. She has never apologized or even hinted towards a remote sense of forgiveness. She tells the world how great I am and how proud she is and then treats me like absolute trash behind closed doors. In all this time, I've never even been able to finish a sentence voicing my anger or explaining why I hold so much hostility without "AFTER EVERYTHING I DO FOR YOU... .   " being screamed over my voice. I've been told that I've "made up" every memory of abuse, that I'm over-dramatic, unappreciative, and that I only complain because I don't know "real abuse," like the kind she went through as a child.

If being thrown against a wall with the full force of an adult, while having your hair pulled and being told "you're being put up for adoption because your father and I hate you and never wanted you in the first place" when your six years old isn't a form of extreme and unwarranted abuse, I don't know what is.

I am now 25. Two weeks ago my mother had one of her "episodes," claimed she was "trying to commit suicide," called the cops and then claimed to them that my father was "abusing her." I was there, told them what really happened. My father and I were sober, it was a Monday night. (Thanks to some enabling therapist who hasn't recognized her compulsive lying, she was prescribed Lorazapan and was mixing it with a bottle or two of wine every night.) They took her away and had her placed in a psych ward. This is when I discovered this site. As sick as it sounds, watching her be hauled off to a mental hospital was what I needed to validate that what I had gone through my whole life wasn't normal. That I didn't remember everything wrong, that this isn't what every kid went through, that I wasn't just some spoiled brat who couldn't appreciate the enormous amount of materialistic things that I had been given.

It's only now I realize I can't change her. The best quote I read while researching BPD over the past few weeks was this: "Holding on to anger is like poisoning yourself and expecting the other person to die." I don't need her to apologize or even to recognize the horrible things she's done to move on. I only need to understand that she suffers from a serious mental illness, I want to break the cycle, and I am my own person regardless of what she takes credit for.

[FindingStrength]

Thank you to everyone who has posted here and shared their experiences.

I know it makes me feel better to read through and learn how we are not alone in our fights for independence and recognition and self worth.

Babysteps  I understand your struggle with setting boundaries.  I find myself struggling with that on a daily basis.  One of the things I would like to state that helps me get through some of the worst of boundary setting issues is the following: boundaries are there to protect you. They are limits that you find unacceptable because the violate some of your core values.  They go against your needs and the fact of the matter is things wouldn't be called "needs" if we didn't NEED them.  I want to encourage you to set boundaries that reflect your values and stand firm in your enforcement of those boundaries.  Sometimes I feel the latter is the hardest part for me.  I can tell my mother that I will not stay on the phone with her if she is insulting or threatening to me, but practically speaking I don't always hang up if she is.  Or even if I do I might pick up the phone for her next call.  I'm slowly learning that by setting boundaries and not enforcing them all I am doing is delivering empty threats that fuel her conviction that a little more force can get her what she wants.  That I can and will be subjugated by her will.   

What are some of the personal boundaries that you have set for you?

How do your sisters feel about setting their own boundaries?  How do they feel about your mother's behaviour?   I recognize that it can be even harder to set boundaries if the rest of your family might not endorse that decision or make similar ones on their own accord.


As far as the facebook issue goes. First consider what would happen if you did delete your mother from Facebook.  What would the consequences be?  How would you feel about setting and enforcing that boundary?  For me personally Facebook was an issue too but in a different way. My mother never invaded my online space as she was never a big facebook user, but other family members would see the things I did on facebook and report them to my mother who would get angry with me for seeing friends, spending time with my boyfriend or attending class events instead of spending time with her.  I could not talk to all of my extended friends and family, who do not know the situation and were simply commenting on things like how nice/happy I looked at an event. Rather than get anxious everytime someone posted a new picture of me, I simply made a limited profile for all of my family members allowing them to see only my profile pictures and no other facebook activity.  I told them, then, that I had deleted all things on facebook because I found it distracting but kept the account so I could be in touch with my class-events that are organized through facebook.  I know it doesn't directly address the problem of boundaries but it is something you can do to protect yourself and still maintain contact with your old and new friends.


Alparsons  I can see that you are proud of your accomplishments of passing the bar and all the hard work you have put into your career.  You have truly achieved on the strength of your own merit and effort and I can only commend you for that.  You sound like an incredible human being and I am glad you can recognize your own efforts.

Welcome to bpdfamily.com and I hope you continue to post here and find strength and validation in this caring supportive community.

You are 100% right to recognize the egregious physical and emotional abuse you suffered as a child and the emotional abuse you likely continue to experience at the hands of your mother.  All of us who post here are the survivours of trauma and that is a very difficult concept to process.   I am glad that you have come to one of the cornerstones of coping with BPD-family members... .  that you can only effect change in yourself and not in others.  When I told my therapist - I have only had 2 sessions with her-  that in my readings and self-reflection that is a truth I have discovered she threw her arms up in the air in celebration and said "yes! I'm so glad to hear you say that.  That's like 10 sessions of work right there."   There's power in that truth.

It sounds like recently has been a very tumultuous time for you in coping with your mother's institutionalization.  Have you been doing any personal reflection and self-healing?   

I'm glad you're here. 

[FindingStrength]

As far as my own experiences with my Mother of Year

my mom takes credit for all the success in my life.  I'm in my third year of Medical School at the moment and she continually tells me that I wouldn't be where I am today without her support.  She's convinced herself that she's funding my entire education (she is not, she contributes less than 5% of my total expenses and I am tens of thousands of dollars in debt to finance my way through school).  She tells everyone that it was because of her push that I am in med school.  I remember her catastrophizing through my undergrad and telling me that because I "slacked off" and spent time with friends that I would never get in.   She constantly brags about my accomplishments to my family and exaggerates them until I get nervous.  She bragged so much through my undergrad that people that I had gotten into med school a full year and a half before I actually did.  My real accomplishment then, upon admission was not met as any great shakes as it was expected.  In fact when I got excited, the day I got in, she yelled at me for "making everyone uncomfortable" and "tooting my own horn." 

Currently she would have everyone believing that I am at the top of my class.  She denigrates my desire to pursue Family Medicine as it isn't prestigious and well paying enough.

In my childhood my mom had the huge desire to be seen as the 'cool mom'.   She would play rap songs and talk to my friends about their boyfriends.  She asked one of the first guys I went out on a date with, at the age of 20, if he did drugs, and when he said no, she said "damn, I was hoping you could get me some".   She tells jokes about our relationship to all of her colleagues and has them all wishing that she were their mother.  It drives me crazy because of her double standards and mixed messages.  When I was in highschool would tell all my friends that she was totally cool and would buy me condoms if the very day decided to have sex, especially if I was underage and embarrassed, so that I could have safe sex.  Once I actually started dating however I got the Puritanical culture-driven (we're Indian) talks about saving myself, dishonouring my family and subsequently ruining my sister's chances to get married if I ever even thought about premarital sex.

When I first used to open up to my friends about the maltreatment I was suffering at home and how confused I was they would never have seen another facet to her and accused me of being dramatic or misinterpreting.  "No, I've met your mom, she would never do that"  or "But she's so awesome, are you sure you're not just reading into things?"  It was some serious gaslighting going on at home. It would make me feel so unstable.  It still does.  I know my extended family all sees my mom as fun, cool and completely openminded.

I'm starting to learn how to trust in myself but it's so hard.  I've never been able to trust my own experiences and my own emotions as they've been invalidated not only by my mom but my my enmeshed dad and sister, as well as friends when I've tried to express myself in the past.  Only now do I have friends that believe and support me.  I still struggle with thinking I'm 'reading too much into things' in terms of my relationship with her and have to constantly remind myself that her behaviour is not normal or healthy.