Massive conflict over house purchase..

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife and I were due to move our family a long way away in order to be mortgage free.. basically we couldn’t get a mortgage due to financial situation, but need to sell up as we can’t afford the work this place needs.
It looks like our buyer is going to pull out as there are disputes over the boundaries. This means we would pretty certainly lose out on the lovely home we chose together in a friendly seaside town. We were both very attached to our plans to move there. It is a long way from family but house prices dictated the distance we have to go to get what we want.
But we would have had lots of money left over for renovations and new furniture. My wife now wants to go through a quick sale agency to secure our dream home and we would be mortgage free but totally broke, literally would have to take a loan out to pay taxes, solicitors etc. I think this idea is absolute lunacy. But I know she would never forgive me if I were to stop this from happening. Is there anything I can say to her? She said she’s worried I’m going to stop it happening but I already said that she always gets what she wants (wrong choice of words I know), I also said that I do want her to be happy and I don’t want to take it away from her even though it is certainly not what I would choose to do. But then if it turns out we’re very happy in our new home then I could come to peace with the loss of money, but only then and not before… I said to her that if I had a partner saying for me to choose what to do then I would not go ahead with it.
It may not happen that our buyer is pulling out but it’s a stressful weekend waiting to find out and my only day off tomorrow is being wished away because wife just wants it to be Monday and business as usual.

[thankful person]

My wife and I were due to move our family a long way away in order to be mortgage free.. basically we couldn’t get a mortgage due to financial situation, but need to sell up as we can’t afford the work this place needs.
It looks like our buyer is going to pull out as there are disputes over the boundaries. This means we would pretty certainly lose out on the lovely home we chose together in a friendly seaside town. We were both very attached to our plans to move there. It is a long way from family but house prices dictated the distance we have to go to get what we want.
But we would have had lots of money left over for renovations and new furniture. My wife now wants to go through a quick sale agency to secure our dream home and we would be mortgage free but totally broke, literally would have to take a loan out to pay taxes, solicitors etc. I think this idea is absolute lunacy. But I know she would never forgive me if I were to stop this from happening. Is there anything I can say to her? She said she’s worried I’m going to stop it happening but I already said that she always gets what she wants (wrong choice of words I know), I also said that I do want her to be happy and I don’t want to take it away from her even though it is certainly not what I would choose to do. But then if it turns out we’re very happy in our new home then I could come to peace with the loss of money, but only then and not before… I said to her that if I had a partner saying for me to choose what to do then I would not go ahead with it.
It may not happen that our buyer is pulling out but it’s a stressful weekend waiting to find out and my only day off tomorrow is being wished away because wife just wants it to be Monday and business as usual.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[NonnyMouse]

Hi, BP,

I don't have an answer to this, but I can totally empathize. My uBPDw also gets angry with everyone in this sort of situation and lays down the rules about what should happen. Usually her suggestions are very counterproductive. But I'm lucky that she also often forgets about the situation.

Another thing to watch out for is splitting over inanimate things, like houses! My uBPDw might be all excited about moving but after a while the new place gets the devaluation treatment. Same for any decorating that she (eventually) gets done, it's never right.

[thankful person]

Hi Nonny, thanks for your thoughts…
Oh I’m under no illusions that she would really be happy there or anywhere, but we are both keen for a new start and she has already started making friends in the area through Facebook.
Interesting to note that she has already gone through a stage of devaluing the house, last week when she turned and said we’re only going there because my mother would prefer us to be five hours away rather than ten. I did say this originally,  but as my dad is too sick to travel even one hour then mum is not happy about our move anyway, or the fact that we’re1.5 hours away now and won’t visit them due to children getting car sick and messing with sleep routines. Still it will be easier to bring the kids back five hours rather than ten,  even though my wife says we won’t. My wife also mentioned that she didn’t want me teaching piano in the dining room because the kids would be eating in front of the tv, and she wishes I was getting a separate room for that. As it happens my local students are all staying on for lessons online which they are used to since Covid, so I can teach on a digital piano in any room. Not that we can afford the wonderful new acoustic piano we just put a deposit down on either…
So anyway I said this could be an opportunity to get out of buying the house, go even further away, get more rooms, whatever… but my wife is insistent now that she still wants the house. So if we do end up there then this experience will be to my advantage, as she can’t say what she was saying last week that she never wanted the place and it was all my choosing etc etc. Even though I know with bpd they say whatever they want.. and it’s generally us who get the blame, right?

[mitten]

Home purchases are so stressful when doing them with a BPD spouse!  It's like you want them to be able to make a wise, responsible, intelligent decision, however they are not able to, so you end up being soley responsible for having to make the right decision (and being the bad guy).  I'm very conservative and risk adverse so I know the anxious feelings first hand...

I'm not sure if I completely understood from your post if this move is closer or farther away from friends or family.  One thing I would just be cautious of, is if your wife it trying to get you to move father away from your friends/family to isolate you from what she may see as a threat to herself... but romanticizing the idea of the seaside community, larger house, etc. to rationalize the idea?

[thankful person]

Thanks Mitten, yes we are sadly moving further away from both our families, however it is for financial reasons as we can’t get a mortgage with me being self employed and her not working (raising the children). Also I am fifteen years older and have done lots of travelling round the world so I don’t feel I have the right to deny her a new start. I was actually loving on the other side of the world when we met and came back here for her. We will be about five hours drive away. She says we won’t be coming back. But I’m working on taking some of the boundaries back slowly but surely with you wonderful people supporting and advising me.