Hurt, sad, exhausted, desperate, heartbroken

[Devastated Mom]

This is my first post in here (or anywhere for that matter). My story is long, as I'm sure everyone's is also. But I will try to keep it as brief as possible. I am at the point where I just don't know where to turn anymore. My daughter just tuned 18 in December. She has struggled her whole life with "behavioral issues", issues that we just didn't know what they were. I am a nurse, so I kept trying to find the root cause of what was going on, I've arranged meetings with teachers, counselors, psychiatrist, etc. I divorced her father when she was 4 and her sister was 2, for the same symptoms I am seeing in her now. He was never officially diagnosed with a disorder because he adamantly refused court ordered psych evals (many years battling him in court, restraining orders, visitation centers- where he was terminated 3 times for his behavior, etc). Anyway, I remarried (my best friend since we were 9) when she was 7. Her father continuously put things in her head to never accept her new step father. Her father then disappeared for years at a time, then would show up out of the blue here and there, just long enough to cause chaos, and continues to do so. My daughter has always shown signs of emotional dysregulation, but I was never sure what it was. I've taken her to multiple psychiatrists, counselors, etc her whole life. At one point, they thought it was ADHD and put her on ADHD meds- which made things 100x's worse. I then just tried to just manage things myself (I'm a nurse, I figured I could handle it- WRONG). As a nurse, I've seen what psych meds can do, the life long dependency, the ups and downs, etc. I didn't want that for her, but her behavior/struggles continued to get worse. A year ago, she was truly in a crisis. Severe depression and anxiety. I tried once again to take her to a psychiatrist. He diagnosed her (at that time) with Major depression and severe anxiety and put her on Zoloft. The Zoloft seemed to be working great... .at first! She was much happier on a daily basis and things seemed to be getting better. Her grades improved, she seemed generally "happy". A few months in, she started showing signs of the old behavior again, however less frequent than before, but more explosive in it's intensity when it happened... .physical violence, towards me, my husband and especially her younger sister, breaking things in the house, etc. So bad that at one point she punched her sister in the face and damaged her front teeth, costing us thousands of dollars to repair. About 7 months in to the Zoloft, she felt it was making her gain weight so she stopped it abruptly, against my pleading for her not to, or at least taper. She then went through SSRI withdraw all last summer, despite the psychiatrist trying all different meds to get her back on track. The last med recommendation was Wellbutrin in August. Shortly after, the boyfriend (of 2 years) broke up with her and and all of her lifelong friends alienated her. She spiraled out of control with a suicide attempt in September. I put her in an outpatient program at a local psychiatric hospital (which she hated) and then the Therapist at her school recommended DBT therapy, which we got her into in October- resulting in a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Since that time, things have just become worse and worse. She stopped the Wellbutrin abruptly in December (which honestly, I'm not sure if it was helping anyway, or making things worse) and has become so angry, more violent and confrontational on a daily basis (multiple times a day). I have reached out to the psychiatrist and to her Therapist at DBT in desperation for help. Unfortunately since she is now 18, they don't give me much information and they share with her that I have reached out to them, which just infuriates her more. All of the sudden, now, she is convinced that my husband (her step father) has physically abused her, her whole life- which couldn't be farther from the truth. He has been so supportive and loving to her, it doesn't make sense. He HAS had to physically restrain her before when she has been violently out of control towards me, her sister, her step sister or to him, but he has NEVER physically abused her. She is also now convinced that I am an "unvalidating mother" (words she has learned in DBT) and that nothing she does has ever been "good enough for me". She told me the other day to "F*** OFF! You F****** piece of S*** mother!" Again, things I feel are completely untrue and so out of character for her. I'm far from perfect, but I have supported her, comforted her and done the best I can to help her as much as humanly possible. At her last psychiatrist appt she refused any more antidepressants but agreed to take the anti-anxiety meds- which she hasn't taken those either. 2 days ago she left my house and decided to stay at my mothers (her grandmother) after the last outburst. She then texted me last night telling me she was not going to return to DBT and accused me of saying it was "worthless anyway"- which I have NEVER said. I am not sure where all this is coming from, the accusations of abuse, me being "unvalidating", putting words in my mouth that I've never said, etc. I asked her what is happening because we've always been so close, she told me "we've never been close, you don't know what you are talking about". Completely different perception than what I have. She's a completely different person than I've ever known. I am so confused and saddened I just don't know what to do. In my research of DBT, I have found that BPD is biological, but enhanced by the environment. Is it possible that they are pulling things out of her and twisting them into us being abusive as an answer to why she is the way she is? Unfortunately, they don't know my version of anything because they "don't 'encourage parental involvement in the therapy, they encourage them to be independent"- That's what I have been told. I am concerned that it is making things worse than ever. I don't want to pull her out if it will eventually help her, but I don't want to keep her in there if they are turning her against us, based on false truths. We are all she has left, she has alienated everyone else in her life. Her biological father was emotionally and physically abusive, which is why I left him when she was 4. Is she projecting his behavior onto us? I am just so confused, emotionally drained, and absolutely heartbroken. I don't know what else to do. I can't change someones perception of what actually happened. If she now feels we were this way to her, her whole life, how to do you change that, when it is completely untrue? And where did this come from? Coincidentally, that thought process started after she started going to DBT which makes me feel that is where it's coming from? Am I spending a small fortune (that I don't have) on a program that is turning my daughter against me? If anyone has any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. I am desperate. Thank you in advance. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Devastated Mom,

Welcome and hello 

I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing, and glad you found the site.

I can relate to your grief about leaving an emotionally abusive man, only to see the same behaviors appear in your child  

I have shed more than my fair share of tears over the repeating patterns in my most significant relationships.

About therapy for your daughter -- It's not uncommon for things to get worse before they get better. One step forward (going to DBT), two steps back (lashing out, false allegations).

It's hard to not have definitive answers about what causes these BPD behaviors. They're so complex and confounding.

Your daughter may have some kind of sensitive genotype like her dad, and the loss could be like a switch that flipped on those genes, made harder by middle school, or puberty, or any manner of things. 

The skills to support a BPD loved one are not intuitive and must be learned. We can walk with you and share our own experiences. You're not alone. 

I agree wholeheartedly that the cognitive distortions can be mind-bending. I now chalk it up to feelings = facts, and try to validate the feelings without agreeing to the words. It's threading a needle, for sure.

As for what your daughter says to her therapists, if they are working with BPD sufferers, I suspect they know that there is a lot of emotional hyperbole coming down the chute. It's one of the reasons many "regular" therapists won't work with BPD sufferers. The web of falsehoods can get to be too much.

If your daughter is in a good clinic, the DBT therapists may have their own own therapists to help them stay out of the rabbit hole. The false allegation of physical abuse is worrisome, because there are legal implications, and it might be a good idea for the time being to make sure there is always a non-family member present, just in case your daughter gets attached to her distortion and tries to take things to the next level.

Have you looked to see if there is a Family Connections class available in your area? These are peer-led educational classes offered through NEA-BPD and can be very helpful. If not, the lessons to the right are based on Family Connections material. In my FC class, the book they recommended was Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning and Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr, in case you are looking for something to read.

I thought I was validating my SD20, and then read the books and realized there was a whole other level that included facial expression, body language, even down to using validating questions almost exclusively. Mindfulness-based stress reduction skills helped me pay attention to my own emotional response, something I think SD20 has an almost preternatural ability to sense. Even before I know what I'm feeling, she seems to know, even if her interpretation of why I'm feeling that way is rarely accurate.

Is your other daughter still living at home? How is she making sense of the diagnosis? Does your D18 come home often to stay, or does she live with you?

[Devastated Mom]

Thank you so much for your response, Livednlearned.

I have actually been reading "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" for the past few weeks. It has taken me much longer to read this book than it normally would, because... .to be honest, it is so upsetting to me. I read a bit and then I have to put it down for a while. It upsets me because the reality of the situation is hard to swallow and quite honestly, there are parts of it I resent. I know that sounds like a harsh word, and I don't mean it to sound harsh, but that's the only word I can use to describe what I feel. While I understand the rationale behind it, I resent that it keeps telling me to validate things that are just unacceptable. I understand that they are just saying to validate the feelings, not the behavior, but it's difficult to validate anything when my other daughter is so hurt at the time, either physically or emotionally by something D18 has done to her. I am also wondering how this validation will help out in the real world? I can't help but think, her future boss isn't going to validate her, her future husband isn't going to validate her. But I am trying to be open minded and learn what I can to try and help this situation in anyway I can. I have started to try the suggestions in the book regarding the body language and the validating words/questions. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I guess it's a trial and error type deal? I'm new to this so I'm trying to be patient, practice and learn all I can. 

I will definitely check out the Family Connections. Thank you for that.

My youngest daughter is devastated over all of this. She felt they were best friends. They've had their ups and downs through the years, but the past few months have really torn them apart. It is also hard on my youngest daughter because they are only 2 years apart, go to the same school and have (had) a lot of the same friends. My youngest daughter has lost friends because of her sister's behavior and is "labeled" at school because of it. She cries almost daily. It's a very difficult situation. I feel like I'm being pulled in 9 million directions at once, trying to comfort and be there for each of my daughters, plus work full time, be a wife and step Mom to two other kids etc, etc. There are days I don't think I will survive, the pain and agony are so intense.

D18 does live with me, but has been staying with my mom for the past few days after the last "blow-out". I went over to see her today and she still has a lot of anger, but we were able to have a pretty constructive conversation. So there's that. She did say she would go to DBT tonight and did tell me she doesn't understand a lot in there which causes her even more anxiety. She has always had some comprehension issues in school and is on a 504 program (called IEP in some states) to help her academically (give her more time to comprehend, extra help etc). I told her to tell her therapist she is having trouble understanding. She said she has, but they keep telling her that's normal and she will catch on. I told her to explain that she needs extra help in school, so they clearly get the picture that she doesn't understand. If she can't understand it, she can't use the tools to help her. Ugh, so frustrating.

Again, thank you so much for your response. It is greatly appreciated. I am truly so happy I found this site. I have felt so alone and helpless.

[livednlearned]

Hi Devastated Mom,

You have a lot on your plate, and two daughters who are both hurting, in different ways. And a blended family, husband, job -- it's a lot  

I've had a string of BPD loved ones in my life, and some of them are easier to validate than others because of the emotions that go with those relationships. Be gentle with yourself, and make sure you are keeping your cup as full as you can.

With my SO's daughter (20), I could barely stand to be in the same room alone with her. We have come a long way.

Maybe you start with active listening, or asking validating questions (I Don't Have To Make Things All Better by the Lundstrom's is an excellent resource). It might give you some opportunities to try validation while having some distance at the same time. I also like validating questions because they help to buy me some time, and put the responsibility for solving problems on the other person where it belongs.

There are other books that can be easier to read if you are still processing hurt and anger, like I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

If you are not ready to validate, then that means it's time for you time, to put your needs first so you have the strength to support the loved ones caught in the cross hairs of these BPD behaviors.

I'm so sorry for your younger daughter's pain. I grew up with a BPD older brother and it was not easy, to say the least. Is she in counseling? I wish I had access to someone who could walk me through that darkness -- many of us with BPD in our family of origin end up with codependent traits and getting that stuff sorted out early can make a big difference later on.

I admire how you are coming to terms with your older daugher's illness and so glad you are posting here.

It really does help.

 

LnL

[Merlot]

Hi there.  I am new to this site to and educating myself as I go.  I'm writing to you as your story sounds very similar to mine in terms of ex-husband and daughter with BPD, including other siblings who suffer.

I can certainly relate to the issue of your daughter claiming physical abuse by her step-dad.  My DD27 did that to my husband (her step-dad) when she was 15, claiming that he chased her around the house with a knife.  I reality, an event was triggered when he happened to be cutting vegetables.

My DD27 has cut me off recently after a rage that seemed to have little basis (the second time in two months). She has also cut my GD (one) off as well.  As painful as it is, I'm doing what I haven't done before (that is try to resolve and rescue through apology) I have been using my time trying to balance moving through grief and hurt, with educating myself using many of the tools here online.  As so many of posts and guidance suggest, it really is so important to look after yourself in order to be able to focus and help others.  I want to get strong, so that I can help my daughter as best I possible can while ensuring that I can look after me and others around me.

I really feel for you and hope that you find yourself in a stronger place soon

[Devastated Mom]

Hi Merlot

I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I can certainly relate. While my daughter is only 18, she has cut me off completely a few times and gone to stay with my mom. While it's comforting to know she's in a safe place, I still have those feelings of guilt and hurt. I have found myself also resolving it by apology, before even learning the tools here. I have to say this site has been incredibly helpful to me. There's so much more information here, pertaining to my situation than any google search can provide.

Your post means more than you know. I read it to my husband who has been struggling with so much guilt and hurt from the accusations towards him and it made him feel so much better. We actually laughed a little, not that it's funny, but just that we could totally see the vegetable cutting coming into play and getting distorted, from our own experiences

[Devastated Mom]

I'm not sure if my entire reply went through. I am only seeing part of it from my phone. I apologize if I am repeating myself, but here is the rest of my reply from
above... .

Hi Merlot

I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I can certainly relate. While my daughter is only 18, she has cut me off completely a few times and gone to stay with my mom. While it's comforting to know she's in a safe place, I still have those feelings of guilt and hurt. I have found myself also resolving it by apology, before even learning the tools here. I have to say this site has been incredibly helpful to me. There's so much more information here, pertaining to my situation than any google search has provided.

Your post means more than you know. I read it to my husband who has been struggling with so much guilt and hurt from the accusations towards him and it made him feel so much better. We actually laughed a little, not that it's funny, but just that we could totally see the vegetable cutting coming into play and getting distorted, from our own experiences.

It's amazing how much I can relate to the experiences of others here. Where before I felt so alone and questioned my own sanity. So thank you for that.

I truly hope for peace soon for you as well. As I know the heartache and feelings of despair all too well.

Livednlearned,
Thank you again for your kind words and support. I have been reading more and more on this site and am feeling a little better about the validating. Perhaps I just haven't got far enough in the book I am reading to understand the full concept of what they were saying. But the information on here made it much clearer.

Thanks again to you both for the support. It is greatly appreciated, I needed it badly.

[Sadnhurt]

Hi Devastated Mom
I can relate to your situation... .my 27 year old has moved her belongings to my 77year old mother's place, because I asked her to move them out of my house... .so she has kept my mother involved (which by the way has been our history as a triangle).  She now only speaks to my mom, she has gone no contact with me because I asked her to move her things out but also because after I eloped in September. and did not inform her... she was furious that I did not tell her... .but in reality, we didn't tell anyone. 

Its hard to have no contact with your son/daughter but is at least helpful to know they are at least in contact with someone in the family.  But when it comes to my mother, she gives in to my daughter, always has, always will... .my mother treated her differently/more special from birth than her other two grand-daughters because she had no father... .my daughter knows that so she knows where to go for validation and no arguments... .

My daughter has no been diagnosed as BPD but I see so many traits in her that lead me to believe she is BPD, but there is also the 'is it just me, am I really a terrible person for asking my daughter to move her things out'... .sometimes because of the guilt I hold, I still think it is just me.

Please keep posting, we are here to support you in any way we can.
Sadnhurt

[Peace95]

Hello Fellow Mom,

You are NOT alone in so many ways. We love our children unconditionally and it hurts so much to see them hurt so much and not be able to help. I have often said I feel like my own son, now 22, is drowing and he won't grab the lifeline I'm throwing right in front of him.

What really has helped me was to learn more about the disorder, about personality disorders in general and how they so manifest themselves in relationships, and especially in those that mean the most. Splitting is huge, control and blame, too!

Above all, recognize, and you will the more you learn, that it is not your fault at all. The love that you have shown for your daughter is real and is in there along with the disorder. Nothing has challenged me more in life and I miss my son like crazy. I will not be controlled or abused by his behaviour though and have learned to see the difference.

Once they are over 18, you feel even more helpless and you are essentially. They have to come to the determination themselves that they need help and that you are there to support them. Unfortunately, it's like telling someone with a broken leg to walk 10 miles to get it fixed. The very thing they need to repair is the thing they need to be able to get the help!

It's a hard road, with sleepless nights, and crying at the drop of a hat - anything makes me sad and the wrenching my heart does thinking of him out there without my help.

I hope time is therapy.

Look after yourself and your other children - that you can do and it will help her in the long run.

Peace95



This is my first post in here (or anywhere for that matter). My story is long, as I'm sure everyone's is also. But I will try to keep it as brief as possible. I am at the point where I just don't know where to turn anymore. My daughter just tuned 18 in December. She has struggled her whole life with "behavioral issues", issues that we just didn't know what they were. I am a nurse, so I kept trying to find the root cause of what was going on, I've arranged meetings with teachers, counselors, psychiatrist, etc. I divorced her father when she was 4 and her sister was 2, for the same symptoms I am seeing in her now. He was never officially diagnosed with a disorder because he adamantly refused court ordered psych evals (many years battling him in court, restraining orders, visitation centers- where he was terminated 3 times for his behavior, etc). Anyway, I remarried (my best friend since we were 9) when she was 7. Her father continuously put things in her head to never accept her new step father. Her father then disappeared for years at a time, then would show up out of the blue here and there, just long enough to cause chaos, and continues to do so. My daughter has always shown signs of emotional dysregulation, but I was never sure what it was. I've taken her to multiple psychiatrists, counselors, etc her whole life. At one point, they thought it was ADHD and put her on ADHD meds- which made things 100x's worse. I then just tried to just manage things myself (I'm a nurse, I figured I could handle it- WRONG). As a nurse, I've seen what psych meds can do, the life long dependency, the ups and downs, etc. I didn't want that for her, but her behavior/struggles continued to get worse. A year ago, she was truly in a crisis. Severe depression and anxiety. I tried once again to take her to a psychiatrist. He diagnosed her (at that time) with Major depression and severe anxiety and put her on Zoloft. The Zoloft seemed to be working great... .at first! She was much happier on a daily basis and things seemed to be getting better. Her grades improved, she seemed generally "happy". A few months in, she started showing signs of the old behavior again, however less frequent than before, but more explosive in it's intensity when it happened... .physical violence, towards me, my husband and especially her younger sister, breaking things in the house, etc. So bad that at one point she punched her sister in the face and damaged her front teeth, costing us thousands of dollars to repair. About 7 months in to the Zoloft, she felt it was making her gain weight so she stopped it abruptly, against my pleading for her not to, or at least taper. She then went through SSRI withdraw all last summer, despite the psychiatrist trying all different meds to get her back on track. The last med recommendation was Wellbutrin in August. Shortly after, the boyfriend (of 2 years) broke up with her and and all of her lifelong friends alienated her. She spiraled out of control with a suicide attempt in September. I put her in an outpatient program at a local psychiatric hospital (which she hated) and then the Therapist at her school recommended DBT therapy, which we got her into in October- resulting in a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Since that time, things have just become worse and worse. She stopped the Wellbutrin abruptly in December (which honestly, I'm not sure if it was helping anyway, or making things worse) and has become so angry, more violent and confrontational on a daily basis (multiple times a day). I have reached out to the psychiatrist and to her Therapist at DBT in desperation for help. Unfortunately since she is now 18, they don't give me much information and they share with her that I have reached out to them, which just infuriates her more. All of the sudden, now, she is convinced that my husband (her step father) has physically abused her, her whole life- which couldn't be farther from the truth. He has been so supportive and loving to her, it doesn't make sense. He HAS had to physically restrain her before when she has been violently out of control towards me, her sister, her step sister or to him, but he has NEVER physically abused her. She is also now convinced that I am an "unvalidating mother" (words she has learned in DBT) and that nothing she does has ever been "good enough for me". She told me the other day to "F*** OFF! You F****** piece of S*** mother!" Again, things I feel are completely untrue and so out of character for her. I'm far from perfect, but I have supported her, comforted her and done the best I can to help her as much as humanly possible. At her last psychiatrist appt she refused any more antidepressants but agreed to take the anti-anxiety meds- which she hasn't taken those either. 2 days ago she left my house and decided to stay at my mothers (her grandmother) after the last outburst. She then texted me last night telling me she was not going to return to DBT and accused me of saying it was "worthless anyway"- which I have NEVER said. I am not sure where all this is coming from, the accusations of abuse, me being "unvalidating", putting words in my mouth that I've never said, etc. I asked her what is happening because we've always been so close, she told me "we've never been close, you don't know what you are talking about". Completely different perception than what I have. She's a completely different person than I've ever known. I am so confused and saddened I just don't know what to do. In my research of DBT, I have found that BPD is biological, but enhanced by the environment. Is it possible that they are pulling things out of her and twisting them into us being abusive as an answer to why she is the way she is? Unfortunately, they don't know my version of anything because they "don't 'encourage parental involvement in the therapy, they encourage them to be independent"- That's what I have been told. I am concerned that it is making things worse than ever. I don't want to pull her out if it will eventually help her, but I don't want to keep her in there if they are turning her against us, based on false truths. We are all she has left, she has alienated everyone else in her life. Her biological father was emotionally and physically abusive, which is why I left him when she was 4. Is she projecting his behavior onto us? I am just so confused, emotionally drained, and absolutely heartbroken. I don't know what else to do. I can't change someones perception of what actually happened. If she now feels we were this way to her, her whole life, how to do you change that, when it is completely untrue? And where did this come from? Coincidentally, that thought process started after she started going to DBT which makes me feel that is where it's coming from? Am I spending a small fortune (that I don't have) on a program that is turning my daughter against me? If anyone has any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. I am desperate. Thank you in advance. 
[/quote]

[irishlg2000]

I have just found this site and I could have written any of these posts
I just cannot come to terms with the fact that my daughter whom I gave my everything to, has completly cut me out and blocked me
the peace and the stress I am not having day to day is nice and all but I feel like a failure
she is very abusive so I know I have to make changes
I have  14 year of son who is just so fed up

Hello Fellow Mom,

You are NOT alone in so many ways. We love our children unconditionally and it hurts so much to see them hurt so much and not be able to help. I have often said I feel like my own son, now 22, is drowing and he won't grab the lifeline I'm throwing right in front of him.

What really has helped me was to learn more about the disorder, about personality disorders in general and how they so manifest themselves in relationships, and especially in those that mean the most. Splitting is huge, control and blame, too!

Above all, recognize, and you will the more you learn, that it is not your fault at all. The love that you have shown for your daughter is real and is in there along with the disorder. Nothing has challenged me more in life and I miss my son like crazy. I will not be controlled or abused by his behaviour though and have learned to see the difference.

Once they are over 18, you feel even more helpless and you are essentially. They have to come to the determination themselves that they need help and that you are there to support them. Unfortunately, it's like telling someone with a broken leg to walk 10 miles to get it fixed. The very thing they need to repair is the thing they need to be able to get the help!

It's a hard road, with sleepless nights, and crying at the drop of a hat - anything makes me sad and the wrenching my heart does thinking of him out there without my help.

I hope time is therapy.

Look after yourself and your other children - that you can do and it will help her in the long run.

Peace95



This is my first post in here (or anywhere for that matter). My story is long, as I'm sure everyone's is also. But I will try to keep it as brief as possible. I am at the point where I just don't know where to turn anymore. My daughter just tuned 18 in December. She has struggled her whole life with "behavioral issues", issues that we just didn't know what they were. I am a nurse, so I kept trying to find the root cause of what was going on, I've arranged meetings with teachers, counselors, psychiatrist, etc. I divorced her father when she was 4 and her sister was 2, for the same symptoms I am seeing in her now. He was never officially diagnosed with a disorder because he adamantly refused court ordered psych evals (many years battling him in court, restraining orders, visitation centers- where he was terminated 3 times for his behavior, etc). Anyway, I remarried (my best friend since we were 9) when she was 7. Her father continuously put things in her head to never accept her new step father. Her father then disappeared for years at a time, then would show up out of the blue here and there, just long enough to cause chaos, and continues to do so. My daughter has always shown signs of emotional dysregulation, but I was never sure what it was. I've taken her to multiple psychiatrists, counselors, etc her whole life. At one point, they thought it was ADHD and put her on ADHD meds- which made things 100x's worse. I then just tried to just manage things myself (I'm a nurse, I figured I could handle it- WRONG). As a nurse, I've seen what psych meds can do, the life long dependency, the ups and downs, etc. I didn't want that for her, but her behavior/struggles continued to get worse. A year ago, she was truly in a crisis. Severe depression and anxiety. I tried once again to take her to a psychiatrist. He diagnosed her (at that time) with Major depression and severe anxiety and put her on Zoloft. The Zoloft seemed to be working great... .at first! She was much happier on a daily basis and things seemed to be getting better. Her grades improved, she seemed generally "happy". A few months in, she started showing signs of the old behavior again, however less frequent than before, but more explosive in it's intensity when it happened... .physical violence, towards me, my husband and especially her younger sister, breaking things in the house, etc. So bad that at one point she punched her sister in the face and damaged her front teeth, costing us thousands of dollars to repair. About 7 months in to the Zoloft, she felt it was making her gain weight so she stopped it abruptly, against my pleading for her not to, or at least taper. She then went through SSRI withdraw all last summer, despite the psychiatrist trying all different meds to get her back on track. The last med recommendation was Wellbutrin in August. Shortly after, the boyfriend (of 2 years) broke up with her and and all of her lifelong friends alienated her. She spiraled out of control with a suicide attempt in September. I put her in an outpatient program at a local psychiatric hospital (which she hated) and then the Therapist at her school recommended DBT therapy, which we got her into in October- resulting in a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Since that time, things have just become worse and worse. She stopped the Wellbutrin abruptly in December (which honestly, I'm not sure if it was helping anyway, or making things worse) and has become so angry, more violent and confrontational on a daily basis (multiple times a day). I have reached out to the psychiatrist and to her Therapist at DBT in desperation for help. Unfortunately since she is now 18, they don't give me much information and they share with her that I have reached out to them, which just infuriates her more. All of the sudden, now, she is convinced that my husband (her step father) has physically abused her, her whole life- which couldn't be farther from the truth. He has been so supportive and loving to her, it doesn't make sense. He HAS had to physically restrain her before when she has been violently out of control towards me, her sister, her step sister or to him, but he has NEVER physically abused her. She is also now convinced that I am an "unvalidating mother" (words she has learned in DBT) and that nothing she does has ever been "good enough for me". She told me the other day to "F*** OFF! You F****** piece of S*** mother!" Again, things I feel are completely untrue and so out of character for her. I'm far from perfect, but I have supported her, comforted her and done the best I can to help her as much as humanly possible. At her last psychiatrist appt she refused any more antidepressants but agreed to take the anti-anxiety meds- which she hasn't taken those either. 2 days ago she left my house and decided to stay at my mothers (her grandmother) after the last outburst. She then texted me last night telling me she was not going to return to DBT and accused me of saying it was "worthless anyway"- which I have NEVER said. I am not sure where all this is coming from, the accusations of abuse, me being "unvalidating", putting words in my mouth that I've never said, etc. I asked her what is happening because we've always been so close, she told me "we've never been close, you don't know what you are talking about". Completely different perception than what I have. She's a completely different person than I've ever known. I am so confused and saddened I just don't know what to do. In my research of DBT, I have found that BPD is biological, but enhanced by the environment. Is it possible that they are pulling things out of her and twisting them into us being abusive as an answer to why she is the way she is? Unfortunately, they don't know my version of anything because they "don't 'encourage parental involvement in the therapy, they encourage them to be independent"- That's what I have been told. I am concerned that it is making things worse than ever. I don't want to pull her out if it will eventually help her, but I don't want to keep her in there if they are turning her against us, based on false truths. We are all she has left, she has alienated everyone else in her life. Her biological father was emotionally and physically abusive, which is why I left him when she was 4. Is she projecting his behavior onto us? I am just so confused, emotionally drained, and absolutely heartbroken. I don't know what else to do. I can't change someones perception of what actually happened. If she now feels we were this way to her, her whole life, how to do you change that, when it is completely untrue? And where did this come from? Coincidentally, that thought process started after she started going to DBT which makes me feel that is where it's coming from? Am I spending a small fortune (that I don't have) on a program that is turning my daughter against me? If anyone has any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. I am desperate. Thank you in advance. 

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[Devastated Mom]

irishlg2000,

I completely understand your feelings. My daughter, who is presently staying with my Mom, stopped over last night to pick up some things. While I was happy to see her, that feeling of stress, anxiety and panic returned, just having her in the house. I love her more than anything, but the constant chaos has really taken a toll on me and I have been enjoying the peace since she's been staying with my mom. I feel so horrible for even feeling that way. I just have no words.

My youngest daughter had a panic attack last night. So bad, that she thought she was dying and called 911. She couldn't even talk to tell me what was wrong, she couldn't breathe and just kept screaming that she was dying. I got her calmed down and my husband had to call 911 to cancel. I can only assume the stress of her sister returning triggered it. I guess I need to get her into counseling as well. Another added stress for me because financially I am sinking with the DBT for D18 and now more counseling for my youngest, I don't know how I'm going to do it.

Sadnhurt,
Your words really resonated with me. The "triangle" between you, your daughter and your mother is EXACTLY the same as I have here. My mother has always treated D18 differently than the others. And D18 has always latched on to her, knowing she will always be validated by her no matter what the circumstances and there are no limits. While I am happy she has my mom, I have found myself begging my mother to please set some limits because I feel it just makes things even worse.

Peace95
You are so right! And the more I learn, the better I am coming to terms with this, regardless of the pain involved. So many sleepless nights and crying, I'm not sure how much I have left in me. I truly hope you find peace as well. I know all too well the gut wrenching pain of how much you miss your son, yet do not want to be abused by his behavior any longer.

Thank you all again for all your support. It really is so comforting to know I am not alone with these feelings. I find myself crying at commercials on TV depicting these happy families sitting around the table playing board games, just wishing I had some normalcy in my family. It's heart breaking.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Devastated Mom,

If you are not ready to validate, then that means it's time for you time, to put your needs first so you have the strength to support the loved ones caught in the cross hairs of these BPD behaviors. livednlearned

This quote from livednlearned is exactly where I am at now, I've removed myself from the conflict so that I can focus on rebuilding my strength and energy and learn some skills that may help, if and when the next interaction arises.  We are still nc and I'm not ready to make the first move, in particular as she is with my ex-husband now, and any move on my part will be (between them) shredded to pieces - unfortunately I've seen it all before at age 16.

Ensure you and your husband hold your head high, knowing that you never abused your daughter.  It can be very difficult to live in a community where your child spreads lies, and unfortunately so many adults take this verbatim.  Anger will eventually give way to forgiveness... .they say that only love beats hate.  But always protect yourselves.  i know that this is now paramount in our thoughts... .?

I'm glad you've come to this site while your daughter is 18, I wish I had had some better support when she was that age, I just kept thinking she would grow up.  Unfortunately, unless they get therapy they don't... .it appears the rest is up to us.

I'm struggling too, to come to terms with how can I help her, love her and protect me and my husband too when so many things are out of my control.  I miss my her and GD so much.

Hope you and your husband are doing ok. :-)