Not even sure where to begin...

[Angel1969]

I apologize upfront if my post is all over the place. I've been holding so much inside. I'm new btw! I have 2 daughters.  My BPDD just turned 28 and my non BPD is 18.  Both have Type 1, Juvenile Diabetes.  My BPDD aged out of my health insurance about 1.5 yrs ago and is on medicare, which sucks.  She lost her psychiatrist, DBT therapist, and family doctor when she lost my insurance.  This particular incident started 1 yr. ago during the height of the pandemic, when she got into a FB brawl with my sister and BIL over mask wearing, social distancing, and politics.  It was a brutal fight, which my BPDD screen shot and reposted on public for everyone to see. It got out of hand and ended with me losing my family. Idc about my BIL, he's always been an a$$, but I do care that I lost my sister, my nephews, and now my mom to a FB fight.  Both my BPDD and BIL said horrific things to one another. Words that can't be taken back.  The initial problem I had with my sister was she and her husband knew that they were dealing with someone who had a mental illness, so why bother to engage with her at all?  My sisters son is on the spectrum and I would NEVER engage in any negative behavior with him, knowing that he has special needs.  It's not like they didn't know my daughter's diagnosis.  They watched her grow up.  They knew her mental health struggles and numerous hospitalizations, yet my BIL continued to engage w/her and ended up telling her "Go F*ck yourself and your whole family." This triggered the start of a downward spiral.  BPDD started fighting with her boyfriend, leaving him to constantly go back & forth between their home and mine w/ my grandson.  Brawls in front of my house, endless nights of crying, fights with me and my other daughter because she no longer wanted us to have anything to do with my family because she said that we were betraying her.  Then she started to do things I never suspected she would.  Last summer she sent a text message to my BIL and sister in the middle of the night telling BIL that my sister had been having an affair.  (true and not true - my sister was talking w/her ex behind his back, but not having a physical affair).  My sister got the text and called my mom crying saying that my BIL was going to kill her.  Then my mom called yelling at me telling me to "make my BPDD stop or BIL would kill them all."  I was in a state of shock and panic because I didn't even know any of that had happened.  I ended up calling BPDD's former therapist just asking for advise and she was gracious enough to speak w/me. About a mth after this, my mom sent an email to me, my sister, and my Aunt and accidently included BPDD on the email.  My BPDD hit reply all, and shot back about what a drunken whore my sister was and how she ignores her sons problems, etc.. It was awful and embarrassing.  Further aliening me from my family.  I sunk into a very deep depression and reached out for help. I called my doctor (also BPDD former doctor) who talked me down from the ledge, got me hooked up with a telemed therapist and medications for anxiety and depression.   THEN - two mths ago my BPDD started creating fake FB accounts about my sisters father, who molested me for the better part of my life.   My sister reported the posts, but as they were deleted, she would create another one.  This was causing my family such deep hurt & resurfaced painful memories that I had suppressed. So I lied to my BPDD and I told her that the police came to my house and that they traced the accounts back to her and that she had to stop.  She admitted to doing it and said "I only wanted to hurt him and finally get justice for you mom."  Idk if that's true or if she wanted to hurt my sister and my mom. That's just the backstory of this past year. When I thought things couldn't get worse, they did.   BPDD has always been secretly jealous over her younger sister.  My non BPDD has suffered tremendously growing up watching her older sister scream, cry, rage, throw things, self harm, & getting yelled at or seeing me get yelled at.  She has her own trauma. Long story short, my youngest daughter left briefly for a few mths after graduation, but recently came back for a bit until her boyfriend gets stationed somewhere in June.  In the meantime, BPDD tells me that her and her boyfriend aren't renewing their lease because the boyfriend got a new job an hr away and the drive is too long so they want to live w/me for "a month or two" to save money to get a new place.  The writing was already on the wall that this was NOT a good idea, but I didn't say no.  They moved in yesterday and within 2 hours of being here, BPDD got triggered because my non BPDD's dog barked and woke up my grandson.  She started raging and yelling at her about her dumb ass stupid dog.  My daughter was hurt and said "he's not dumb, & BPDD unleashed on her like I've never seen before.  Calling her the worst names ever, slut, whore, some others I can't repeat and then hit her in the back of the head 3x unexpectedly and knocked her glasses off her face.  I jumped in front of my youngest and me and BPDD went at it for at least 10-15 minutes screaming.  My BPDD daughter looked like an out of control stranger calling me every name in the book and bringing up the past, even to things I did when I was a kid.  Then she lunged at me and grabbed both my arms.  Then she told me that I was the worst mother ever, worst than her absent father, but at least he had the balls to leave, then she ran upstairs and slammed the door.  The worst pain I've had over this incident is the heartbreak that I feel for my youngest daughter.  So underserving of being at the center of her sister rage.  Her BPD sister has gone to blows with her before, but has never physically hurt her.  The scene keeps replaying in my mind over and over and the tears just won't stop.  My non BPDD wanted to call the cops, but I told her no because they would take my grandson away and I don't that to happen.  She said if it happens again, she is calling no matter what.  This morning my non BPDD head hurts and I have several bruises.  It's been less than 24 hours of hell as me and non BPDD have kept ourselves in our rooms with the animals while BPDD stomps and slams doors.  Just a week ago, my BPDD came to me & asked me to help her find a new psychiatrist because she felt she needed to be medicated again & she doesn't understand her medicare plan.  I feel like I have majorly failed as a parent because I didn't follow up on her cry for help.  I've been so stressed about them moving here and going to look at houses with my other daughter who is moving in June that I didn't make the call.  I know it took a lot for her to come to me and ask for help and I failed miserably.  I feel if I do it now, she'll say it's too late or that I should've cared enough to do it when she asked me to.  I am so exhausted, mentally and physically.  This has been going on since she was 12 and I've been doing this completely alone, without support.  I have been a lurker on this board for about 6 mths, mainly because I feel so lost and alone.  This is my first post.  Any advice would be helpful.   I am looking for a safe place to talk to ppl and not get judged or shamed. Thank you to anyone who got through my long post.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[St Jude]

Angel,

Thank you for sharing your story.  It has certainly been an extremely difficult year, the levels of pain caused by this disorder are absolutely devastating.

I do not have children, I have a husband that suffers, and he had been doing well for awhile but his episodes picked up in the past month.  I related to hiding in your rom while the BPD storm rages outside, unfortunately that was me a week ago.

I hope she is able to get the insurance worked out and can get back in treatment ASAP, it sounds like she is in excruciating pain. 

There is so much information on-line, and i follow many u-tubers, one i have found particularly helpful is someone that goes by recovery mum.  she has an excellent clear message and has been in recovery from BPD for years, you may benefit from the videos and if your daughter is actively seeking help she may also benefit. 

Sending positive energy your way.

[old97]

Hi Angel,

So sorry you're dealing with all you describe. Many of us have been in similar circumstances - abuse hurled in the most hurtful manner, physical confrontations, watching our BPD personal verbally assault family and friends, etc. Your case sounds extreme, and I am so sorry you're faced with it.

You have not failed. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're providing food, shelter and love for your family. Can you help your BPD-D find care? Sure. Do you have to? No. She's an adult. Full stop.

I can't overstate the importance of boundaries and self-care, at least in my experience. Things started to change when our BPD-D was presented with clear boundaries. It's not perfect by any means. There are still all sorts of ugly confrontations. But it's...better. It no longer feels like things are going to go nuclear. And the awful behavior has not been turned on extended family in a while, just those closest to her.

Self-care is critical for us. We try to take ownership where we should, and refuse responsibility for the things we know we didn't do. It's easier said than done, and it helps that we are able to support each other with regard to BPD-D. Perhaps you and your non-BPD daughter can work together to support each other.

If possible, get yourself a good therapist, ideally one who is familiar with BPD. You can't make your BPD-D do anything she doesn't want to, but there are things you can do to protect yourself and the rest of your family. I encourage you to talk to someone. There's a lot of help to be had on this site, in the discussion groups and in the library.

You're not alone. I hope knowing that gives you some strength.

Keep posting here! There are people here who want to help and provide support!

[Sancho]

I am so glad you have come here and are able to tell us your story. I have read through your post and reread. So much of it is my story too, and that of many others here.

As you read here you will hear others - like me - say how they stay in their room to avoid conflict and abuse. You will read others who minimise interaction because even saying the tiniest comment triggers horrific verbal abuse.

And many can also empathise with you because they have been physically abused.

It is a horrendously complicated situation - but I latched on to the fact that your younger daughter is moving in June? Is that right.

How can you survive those few weeks? Once your younger daughter is safely away - and happy in her life hopefully - you will be able to focus more on yourself. At the moment, your heart is breaking for your younger daughter - and this on top of everything else.

I agree with you - why on earth did your family members get involved in the fb discussion to start with? BIL must take some responsibility for engaging when he knew he was responding to someone with a mental - severe - illness.

BPD causes chaos for everyone around them - and they themselves live in the centre of that chaos. Life is so difficult.

You seem to have a good support system to call on for yourself. If you can do that, focus on yourself and helping younger daughter move. Then maybe look at the possibilities for all the others.

Please keep posting here. It is the one place that I have where I can come and vent, knowing everyone else here understands.

I have also been coming here a long time!

You are in my thoughts and sending a hug . . . .

[Angel1969]

Thank you so much for the replies!  It helps so much to know I'm not the only one going through this. 
Boundaries are something I have to really work on.  Right now, BPD-D thinks she’s running the show. If anyone has suggestions on even how to start setting small boundaries while she’s living w me, please advise! 
I’m so embarrassed about the physical stuff.  I’ve had to cover my arms all week. I know she’s seen the bruising, but hasn’t acknowledged it yet.  Usually she ends up feeling ashamed and guilty, but I’m still waiting for an apology even though it doesn’t make up for her hitting her sister and grabbing me. I’m taking my younger daughter to the doctors this wk for a physical and I’m scared she’s going to say something.  He’s well aware of her sisters BPD & he always tells me she’s being manipulative. 

Sometimes I say I hate my life. I’m a cancer survivor and I fought hard for my life so I feel  guilty for saying that some times.
Thanks again everyone for listening and all the advise you bring to the table. 

[beatricex]

hi Angel1969,

I am so glad after lurking here for 6 months, you decided to post.  Of course you need support, this is a lot for you to be going through.

I'm sure it seems like a struggle just "managing" the chaos on a day to day basis.  Please post more, and I'm here to listen and not judge.

b

[Sancho]

Sometimes I say I hate my life too. I think it's because I have to work so hard just to have a small space that is not dominated by this awful thing called BPD.