Lost and Confused on What to do with my Elsa (Psuedonym, obviously)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Afterthought: This turned out way longer than I thought, sorry! I've been carrying it around forever and I think the backstory is important to have in order to best evaluate the present. I developed pseudonyms to help me tell my story, here they are ahead of time.

Pseudonym Key:

Anna: Me

Elsa: BFF w/ BPD

Kristoff: My husband

Jack Frost: Elsa's husband

VTC: Place where Elsa and Jack Frost moved to

Dr. Awesome: Elsa's competent psychiatrist

Original:

Brand new not only to bpdfamily.com, but also to support group message boards in general - so if this is in the wrong place, forgive me (and please tell me where to put it!).

You know the saying "Best Friends are the Sisters you Choose?" That is how it is with my Elsa. I know it seems kind of silly me using Anna as my pseudonym, and Elsa for hers - but that movie perfectly describes our relationship and personalities. Plus, recently, when we got really super close - it was something we both identified with and used to express our love and devotion to each other.


Our relationship as been a long and sort of emotional one. We met in college, where she was already friends with my husband. She actually found her husband through my chance interaction with him in my home town. So, we've known each other for about 10 years. For most of that 10 years, it felt fun but mostly superficial to me. We were on and off GOOD friends but not GREAT friends.

Then, within the last couple years, we started getting closer. We lived 4 hours apart, but we chatted on Skype all the time (my job requires Skype use anyway), interacted on Facebook, and visited whenever we could. In 2014, we were the closest we've ever been - and that's when we went through our first major fight. She and her husband had decided to leave our state in favor of living in a vibrant, tourist city. I supported her, but knew inwardly that both she and her husband (who works from home or travels for his job) thought that this move was going to "fix" everything - despite the fact that she was moving away from everything (and everyone) she knew. Around this time, we began to fight about when/where/why/how I was buying some of her stuff (that was mostly my hubby's fault - I didn't want hardly any of it) - and THEN we went with them to Vibrant Tourist City. Hubby and I went for some quality time with them before they moved and a vacation, and they went to go rent house hunting. That whole situation quickly devolved into a confusing cloud of frustration, hurt, miscommunication, and money issues from all sides. About a month later we were able to resolve it between the four of us, and then Elsa and I worked it out together.

Before I flash forward, a little background information: Elsa has been dealing with a horrid combination of depression, anxiety, and horrible psychiatrists for YEARS. Finally, last year (thanks to encouragement from myself and her husband), she dropped the worst psychiatrist I have ever seen anyone encounter and switched to one that is so awesome, they figured out a way to keep him even after they moved states. Dr. Awesome is the one who diagnosed her with BPD. Her husband and I found the disorder online by chance when we were actually talking about issues I was having with my husband. Since her diagnosis, it has been a long struggle of her going on and off meds and FINALLY getting to a DBT practitioner in VTC. Problem is, she's only been about once or twice and I'm not even sure they have set up a steady treatment plan yet. Also, on a psych level, Dr. Awesome has decided to comply with her request to get off everything except for the antidepressant she takes which seems to work okay - including Xanax (she's been on that since she was like, 12). I agree with the decision, but in the process she had to meddle with another crappy psych who took her through a taper off some MAJOR drugs waaaay too fast. She's now in withdrawal.  It is very important to note that during the 2 month period below, she had her first "suicide attempt." I put it in quotes because she took a bunch of medicine, but it wasn't enough to kill her or even send her to the hospital. This occurred before she found her DBT practitioner.

Okay, now that you have the background, flash forward. I started this year talking to Elsa a LOT every day because I was working from home. We got to be really close because she started to really respond to my relentless love and empathy and really open up. I watched her struggle with her marriage, and then start up and end several obviously attention-seeking relationships (a couple were online "romances". I stuck by her side the whole time and was honest with her about my advice and her questionable actions. She took it all very well, and was even supportive of me during some trying things I went through. I seemed to be immune to her ongoing habit of torrential drama with different people. She even visited just before Valentine's Day so we could go shopping for her 30th birthday dress. We had a beautiful time. She brought me the BuildaBear Anna bear, and I showered her with Elsa gifts (including the Elsa bear which we built together) which she loved. There was quite a tearful goodbye.

Enter two months of what I thought was the closest we had ever been. I started a new job that I LOVE and that still uses Skype, so we were able to still talk daily. She started to prepare for her trip to Japan with her husband. This is also when the withdrawals really started to kick in, but she and I talked every day and she was responsive to my support (I basically just listened to her rant via skype and then would send her hugs and hearts and say "I'm sorry, that sucks.". I helped her through her trip preparations and on the days that she wanted to talk but felt awful because of the withdrawals. Then, she left for Japan and everything changed.

(Exceeded char limit, smh. TBC in comments)

[AnnaofArendelle]

Afterthought: This turned out way longer than I thought, sorry! I've been carrying it around forever and I think the backstory is important to have in order to best evaluate the present. I developed pseudonyms to help me tell my story, here they are ahead of time.

Pseudonym Key:

Anna: Me

Elsa: BFF w/ BPD

Kristoff: My husband

Jack Frost: Elsa's husband

VTC: Place where Elsa and Jack Frost moved to

Dr. Awesome: Elsa's competent psychiatrist

Original:

Brand new not only to bpdfamily.com, but also to support group message boards in general - so if this is in the wrong place, forgive me (and please tell me where to put it!).

You know the saying "Best Friends are the Sisters you Choose?" That is how it is with my Elsa. I know it seems kind of silly me using Anna as my pseudonym, and Elsa for hers - but that movie perfectly describes our relationship and personalities. Plus, recently, when we got really super close - it was something we both identified with and used to express our love and devotion to each other.


Our relationship as been a long and sort of emotional one. We met in college, where she was already friends with my husband. She actually found her husband through my chance interaction with him in my home town. So, we've known each other for about 10 years. For most of that 10 years, it felt fun but mostly superficial to me. We were on and off GOOD friends but not GREAT friends.

Then, within the last couple years, we started getting closer. We lived 4 hours apart, but we chatted on Skype all the time (my job requires Skype use anyway), interacted on Facebook, and visited whenever we could. In 2014, we were the closest we've ever been - and that's when we went through our first major fight. She and her husband had decided to leave our state in favor of living in a vibrant, tourist city. I supported her, but knew inwardly that both she and her husband (who works from home or travels for his job) thought that this move was going to "fix" everything - despite the fact that she was moving away from everything (and everyone) she knew. Around this time, we began to fight about when/where/why/how I was buying some of her stuff (that was mostly my hubby's fault - I didn't want hardly any of it) - and THEN we went with them to Vibrant Tourist City. Hubby and I went for some quality time with them before they moved and a vacation, and they went to go rent house hunting. That whole situation quickly devolved into a confusing cloud of frustration, hurt, miscommunication, and money issues from all sides. About a month later we were able to resolve it between the four of us, and then Elsa and I worked it out together.

Before I flash forward, a little background information: Elsa has been dealing with a horrid combination of depression, anxiety, and horrible psychiatrists for YEARS. Finally, last year (thanks to encouragement from myself and her husband), she dropped the worst psychiatrist I have ever seen anyone encounter and switched to one that is so awesome, they figured out a way to keep him even after they moved states. Dr. Awesome is the one who diagnosed her with BPD. Her husband and I found the disorder online by chance when we were actually talking about issues I was having with my husband. Since her diagnosis, it has been a long struggle of her going on and off meds and FINALLY getting to a DBT practitioner in VTC. Problem is, she's only been about once or twice and I'm not even sure they have set up a steady treatment plan yet. Also, on a psych level, Dr. Awesome has decided to comply with her request to get off everything except for the antidepressant she takes which seems to work okay - including Xanax (she's been on that since she was like, 12). I agree with the decision, but in the process she had to meddle with another crappy psych who took her through a taper off some MAJOR drugs waaaay too fast. She's now in withdrawal.  It is very important to note that during the 2 month period below, she had her first "suicide attempt." I put it in quotes because she took a bunch of medicine, but it wasn't enough to kill her or even send her to the hospital. This occurred before she found her DBT practitioner.

Okay, now that you have the background, flash forward. I started this year talking to Elsa a LOT every day because I was working from home. We got to be really close because she started to really respond to my relentless love and empathy and really open up. I watched her struggle with her marriage, and then start up and end several obviously attention-seeking relationships (a couple were online "romances". I stuck by her side the whole time and was honest with her about my advice and her questionable actions. She took it all very well, and was even supportive of me during some trying things I went through. I seemed to be immune to her ongoing habit of torrential drama with different people. She even visited just before Valentine's Day so we could go shopping for her 30th birthday dress. We had a beautiful time. She brought me the BuildaBear Anna bear, and I showered her with Elsa gifts (including the Elsa bear which we built together) which she loved. There was quite a tearful goodbye.

Enter two months of what I thought was the closest we had ever been. I started a new job that I LOVE and that still uses Skype, so we were able to still talk daily. She started to prepare for her trip to Japan with her husband. This is also when the withdrawals really started to kick in, but she and I talked every day and she was responsive to my support (I basically just listened to her rant via skype and then would send her hugs and hearts and say "I'm sorry, that sucks.". I helped her through her trip preparations and on the days that she wanted to talk but felt awful because of the withdrawals. Then, she left for Japan and everything changed.

(Exceeded char limit, smh. TBC in comments)

[AnnaofArendelle]

PART 2:

The first few days in Japan we did communicate a bit via Facebook messenger. However, in the past we have had a spat wherein she made it perfectly clear that she doesn't get much time with her hubby. So, their trips together are sacred. Plus, I was busy with my job - so I just left her alone. Towards the end of her trip, I started exercising and posting about it on Facebook. She then starting leaving kind of mean comments on my posts on what I should and should not do. I could tell something was wrong. She then referenced the time I suggested that she test how she felt when she got back before hitting the gym hard - and called my version of exercising (she thought I should be walking, I was doing beginner videos bc I HATE walking) therefore "interesting" because of my advice to her. I sent her an initial Facebook message to try and clear it up, but she was on her way back from Japan and simply said "I just found it interesting. Thanks for trying to clear that up though."

Then, enter my big mistake. Elsa had been doing her usual spat of passive aggressive Facebook statuses. I was in a weak emotional state because I was missing her, and it felt like she was attacking me via her posts on my feed. I began to take her statuses (which have been about me in the past but that hasn't been true in like 3 years or so) as targeted at me. This was an insecure, conditioned response that makes me want to tap my head repeatedly on my desk. So out of instinct, I sent her a horrible, emotional message asking why she was being this way and accusing her of all this crap that probably isn't even true. Her response was a major wake-up call for me. I had screwed up. Bad. I immediately owned up to my petty mistake and apologized profusely. I expected things to be awkward for a bit, because she always takes a bit of time to get over it. Usually I just give her space for a week or so and apologize like crazy, and then things are fine as usual.

However, this time that was not the case. I kept apologizing, and even told her about some medical issues I was having that were affecting my hormones which may have been the catalyst for me to make the stupid decision. I still made it clear that the actions were my own and that I was sincerely apologetic for them. She gave me sisterly (but sterile of emotion) advice about what doctors to see. I then asked if we were okay, and she said she was still hurt. I asked when we could talk about it, and she said later.

Since THAT conversation I have sent her messages every once in a while telling her when I was free to talk, asking for a scheduled phone call, etc. She was completely ignoring me or giving excuses. This is when I started to panic a bit. Remember when we went shopping for her birthday dress? Well, that party is in June and hubby and I had already bought hotels and were about to buy flights this next week. What if this was a bigger thing than I thought? That's a lot of money to spend on a birthday party you might be disinvited to. Also, we had made plans for Elsa and her hubby to fly in Memorial Day and pick up her dress, then spend the weekend together. Those plans continued to get fuzzier and fuzzier as we got closer. Then, there was the question of her birthday gift. I had spent quite a bit of money and bought her and I coordinating Frozen bracelets from the collection at Kay Jewelers, "Sisters Forever" charms and all.

Her husband must have sensed my trepidation, because he got tired of her just leaving me hanging and sent me a message this week that made my heart sink through the floor: "Can you talk tonight?" That night we had the conversation that is the whole reason for the post.

According to Elsa, we have been growing apart for awhile now, ESPECIALLY during the two months when I felt we were the closest. He carefully broke down her different excuses, rants, and reasoning that she had given him. When she talks to him about what happened, she gives vague references to nonspecific conversations we allegedly had on Skype and how she felt abandoned by me in Japan. (Sidenote: I went back through our Skype conversations and could not find any hint of negativity or problems that she was mentioning.) The kicker, though, is how she keeps talking to him about my hubby in relationship to me. She's really upset about how her friendship with my hubby (heck, we'll call him Kristoff) has devolved over the years. Now, Kristoff has his own set of problems that are causing issues in past and present friendships - but he and I are fine. Apparently, after Elsa's visit, she came home to her hubby (um... .let's go with Jack Frost) and began plotting with him on how to "rescue" me from this "horrible" marriage that I'm in.

Throughout this conversation, it becomes clear to Jack Frost just how different our perspectives are on the matter, and that most of the emotions /seem/ to revolve around Kristoff. He can't seem to put his finger on anything in particular that would have set her off on me. The kicker here is that the only clear thing she has been able to communicate to him about why she is so upset with me is “I don't think being friends with somebody should be this hard!”

Anyway, the conversation ended, Jack Frost and I got on the same page, he gave me some things to think about, and we came up with a list of points he and I both agreed were valid for him to bring to Elsa.

That's when it all fell apart (for me anyway). Yesterday, he asked to speak to me about how the conversation went. So, I clocked out for lunch and went to talk to him. Elsa completely shut down and said she was just tired of dealing with it. Basically, she wouldn't listen to him at all and said that she wanted him to tell us to cancel our VTC/birthday trip the FIRST time he talked to me. He talks me through it all as best as he can, but there isn't much to say and it's awkward because I'm sobbing and feeling kicked in the chest on the other end of the line.

Basically, what it boils down to, is that she has decided she is mad at my husband and I – and, while she has a decent list of reasons for that emotion toward my husband, she has NO solid reason for feeling that way about me. That is, except for the small mistake I made that I had already apologized profusely for.

I spent the next couple of hours at work reeling and broken-hearted, telling Kristoff to cancel our hotel rooms and informing my boss that I would no longer need those days. I don't know what led me to Google “Support for Friends of BPD” in that time. Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't focus, or because I was just searching for something to “blame” this whole thing on.

That's when I found all the articles here on bpdfamily.com that described in near-PERFECT detail what I was going through with Elsa. It felt surreal in that it matched the situation so perfectly, and in that though I know she has BPD via official diagnosis, she and I had never had a “classic” episode before.

I also realized that during those two months when I felt really close to her I had been sucked into a codependent relationship, and that's why I felt so hurt. My happiness was a little too dependent on being close to her.

After both the realization of my codependency and that this is a “classic” BPD episode with Elsa (aggravated, most likely, by her withdrawals), all the steam was let out of my hurt and anger.

However, now I am at a crossroads and I don't know how to proceed. Every article on this website mentions setting boundaries, but I don't know how. I also REALLY don't know how to apply those boundaries now that she has so much animosity toward me.

What if she flips back around and I'm the best thing since pet rocks again, and wants me back in her life and at her birthday party? We've already canceled the trip... .

All of this has left me with so many questions, so I'm just going to list them nonsensically:

Should we have waited to cancel our trip?

What do I do with the bracelet I bought her? Return it? Part of me thinks I should send it to her anyway to “prove” that's she's delusional about how I felt during that two-month period – but is that even the right thing to do? Is that setting a boundary? Or is that just shoving it in her face and fueling the fire?

Should I continue to leave her alone per her wishes? I know that gives her control over the situation, so I don't know how that works with boundaries. It makes me feel manipulated since she clearly has a false perception of how things -actually- were during that two months and her Japan trip. Or, is setting a boundary coming to her on my terms and basically hounding her until she breaks and fights WITH me instead of -through- her husband?

If she does flip around, how do I handle it? If she does it before Memorial Day, then she will expect to see us. If she does it before the end of June, she might expect us to come to the party. We won't be able to afford it by that point. Our hotels and flights were being booked under special limited time offers.


Sorry for such a long post, but I literally don't know what to think, do, or where to turn. I want to make sure that from this point forward, all the effort I put into our relationship is through healthy means according to the requirements of her condition, and that I don't get sucked into codependency again.

Any advice, help, suggestions, etc. is very welcome. I plan on looking for the Eggshells book soon, so other book suggestions are also welcome. Feel free to ask questions because with so much information I KNOW I missed some key details.

Thanks for listening, and thanks in advance for your help.

<3

Anna

[Suzn]

Hello AnnaofArendelle

Welcome to bpdfamily.com. I'm sorry you've gone through all of this with your friend.   Bpd behaviors can be very confusing for anyone, we all understand that here.

I also realized that during those two months when I felt really close to her I had been sucked into a codependent relationship, and that's why I felt so hurt. My happiness was a little too dependent on being close to her.

I can relate, as a recovering codependent myself, feeling hurt when we have done so much for another individual and they aren't reciprocal leaves us feeling resentful. So, we try harder to please and the resentment can grow. It's a viscous cycle only we can break once realized.  

After both the realization of my codependency and that this is a “classic” BPD episode with Elsa (aggravated, most likely, by her withdrawals), all the steam was let out of my hurt and anger.

However, now I am at a crossroads and I don't know how to proceed. Every article on this website mentions setting boundaries, but I don't know how. I also REALLY don't know how to apply those boundaries now that she has so much animosity toward me.

It's a difficult realization when we see we play a role in these relationships, kuddos to you for acknowledging your role.

Boundaries are value based, living our values helps us determine where the lines not to cross are. This is tricky when we have codependent traits since we want so much to please because when we make someone else "happy" we tend to give up some or all of our "value" or self worth. Learning to listen to your gut when something doesn't feel quite right is a skill that takes practice. If you are getting these gut feelings and aren't quite sure how to proceed, before giving in completely to please, it's ok to say things such as "I need some time to think about this" or "I'll have to get back to you on this." This buys you some time to process what that gut feeling is.

What if she flips back around and I'm the best thing since pet rocks again, and wants me back in her life and at her birthday party? We've already canceled the trip... .

Cause and effect. Adults understand that trips take planning, financial and time restraints (our jobs and family responsibilities) are all part of that. You can't save her from the disappointment of not seeing you on her birthday once your plans have been cancelled. Disappointment is part of life, it is not your responsibility to fix this part. In fact, trying to keep her from experiencing disappointment is enabling. Put in other words, it's stealing a life lesson.

Should we have waited to cancel our trip?

Sounds like you made a decision based on your family's needs.

What do I do with the bracelet I bought her? Return it? Part of me thinks I should send it to her anyway to “prove” that's she's delusional about how I felt during that two-month period – but is that even the right thing to do? Is that setting a boundary? Or is that just shoving it in her face and fueling the fire?

One of the common mistakes we can make is thinking that a person with BPD thinks as we do. No, this is not boundary setting. Sending a gift is a personal choice. Asking ourselves questions such as "does this gift come with strings attached, for me?" play a part in the decision to give is a good place to start when we first realize codependent traits in ourselves.

Should I continue to leave her alone per her wishes? I know that gives her control over the situation, so I don't know how that works with boundaries. It makes me feel manipulated since she clearly has a false perception of how things -actually- were during that two months and her Japan trip. Or, is setting a boundary coming to her on my terms and basically hounding her until she breaks and fights WITH me instead of -through- her husband?

As adults it's always best to respect others boundaries as we expect them to respect ours. We can't control someone else, we can only control ourselves. Hounding someone is not respecting their boundary. Fighting through her husband is triangulation and staying outside of the triangle is difficult when we are accustomed to being this involved.

This article explains this in detail

PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle

If she does flip around, how do I handle it? If she does it before Memorial Day, then she will expect to see us. If she does it before the end of June, she might expect us to come to the party. We won't be able to afford it by that point. Our hotels and flights were being booked under special limited time offers.

There are communication skills one needs to master in order not to trigger a person with BPD. She will likely be disappointed and to help not make this worse, using SET may be helpful.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

I want to make sure that from this point forward, all the effort I put into our relationship is through healthy means according to the requirements of her condition, and that I don't get sucked into codependency again.

Codependency generally effects all of our relationships. It's really great that you are looking to improve your relationship with your friend. This takes some work once we see we have unknowingly played a role. Your friend triggers your codependency, it seems likely you have triggered her fears of abandonment/engulfment.

This article is for couples however you can see the pattern even in friendships.

Article 1: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

I'm glad you have found us AnnaofArendelle. Your book choice is a good one. I would also look at Melody Beattie's Codependent no More. Both of these books were eye opening to me.

[AnnaofArendelle]

Suzn,

Thank you THank you THANK YOU!

I knew all the resources were here, I was just so overwhelmed and upset I didn't know where to start. I found Eggshells at Half Price Books, so I will go back and look for the codependency book.

With the bracelet, I'm torn between taking it back like a responsible adult and still sending it to her to "prove" my love. This is so hard speaking a completely different emotional language. I'm used to being dead-on with my friends. I guess the question there would be, what would be a truly loving action? Respecting her boundaries? Or reaching out to her and going forward with the gift? She's pretty pissed at me, which I'm fine with, but I don't want her to think that I don't love her.     

I just found out today that she has blocked me, my husband, and a random, uninvolved friend of mine on Facebook. I texted Jack Frost and he said "I'm just doing whatever I can do to keep her calm." He also mentioned that now he does have /some/ of the "real" reasons she's upset and that we (still he and I) can probably talk about them this week. I think that will give me enough closure to stop feeling stuck.

It does frazzle me a bit not just to know that she's mad at me - that I can handle - but that she can't handle being mad at me. SMH.

A hundred thanks again. I know it was a really long post, but I had just tucked it away for so long - so I appreciate the time you took to respond.


I am going to get to reading.

[whiplashed_mom]

So much that happened at the end sounds just like my experience with dil.

[AnnaofArendelle]

@whiplashed_mom

I mean, it's sad that Elsa and possibly your DIL have BPD - but I'm just so glad that I'm not delusional! It feels good to have the validation of not being alone.

[whiplashed_mom]

You are not alone.  I got a "loving" birthday card April 20, also telling me that they were having a boy. (First gc in extended family.) Five days later, without any communication between, my son called to cut us off entirely. Hung up on us because he said, "You have a moment to respond." Last year I was the only one who she would ever let babysit her future children. Now they don't intend to be part of our lives. Nothing has even happened between us.

I read a psych. article saying that problems between in-laws and baby parents are often blamed on personality disorders. The doc/author actually said if you think this is true, the person should go to a doctor to be diagnosed. And... .how does the good doctor think that is going to happen? The author tried to shame any mil or dil who thought the other might have BPD or npd or bi-polar without a proper diagnosis. Something like-":)on't think that until you get her to the doctor to say it's true." ha! I can just see it. ":)ear daughter in law. You need to go to shrink. I think you have a mental illness." 

So sorry for what you are going through. I pray it is resolved and that she is back to her wonderful self, soon! Trip or no trip.

[AnnaofArendelle]

Praying for you too! That sounds awful. She sounds like my now (THANKFULLY) ex-SIL. Get her to a doctor. HA! Right.

And anyway what that doctor doesn't realize is that even if we assume that they have BPD without a diagnosis, we should still treat/handle them the same. I have found various therapy applications very useful in communication to all sorts of people. Oh! And where are we supposed to get these tools, dear doctor? That's right... .ON A BPD INFO SITE.   

I do miss Elsa, but right now other things in my life have exploded so I'm kind of enjoying the silent treatment at the moment.

Anyway my thoughts and prayers are with you. 

[whiplashed_mom]

Thank you!