Not sure if I've chosen the right stepfather for my child.

[unicorn2014]

My fiancé has BPD traits himself and with this latest crisis with my daughter (she ended up in the ER drunk after having gotten jumped at a party and beat up by two girls) I have begun to look at his "emotional support" (that's how he sells himself to me) with a critical eye.

Since the plan, or his plan, was to marry me, I'm looking at what kind of family this man would create with me, him and my daughter. I am still considering appointing him as a guardian of my daughter, in addition to me being her parent, so I don't have to relay every letter I get from the school regarding her however our relationship is long distance with no end of that in sight. I am starting to think about cutting my losses. I'm starting to question whether or not he is worth the emotional upset he causes. On the other hand I also know I play a part in it.

For those of you who are parenting a child who may have BPD traits and are single and dating, how do you evaluate whether or not someone would be a good addition to your family?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

While I am widowed and not dating I can tell you that many of us parents did not have the full support of our partners in raising our children with BPD and traits of BPD.

It can range all the way from "you handle this, I'm done" to completely undermining educated parenting and efforts at treatment.

Parenting/raising a child with BPD/traits of BPD is a huge task, adding an unsupportive/undermining partner to the situation will add to your troubles.

That's my perspective.

Is your daughter ok?

lbj

[unicorn2014]

My partner is not unsupportive or undermining, that would be my ex. My partner is more challenging in the emotional stability department.

My daughter is safe at home but I'm not sure she learned anything from her recent "adventure". Psych assessment is tomorrow afternoon. She got discharged from the emergency room with depression, alcohol overdose, and facial contusions from being assaulted by two girls.

Between my dad, her dad, my brother and my fiancé, my fiancé definitely has the stones to get the job done ( parenting), I think its going to be incumbent upon me not to react to him. Even my own father can not handle my daughter, so there's definitely something going on there... .I would say it takes one to know one and if my fiancé can stay on track then he's definitely the best man for the job. Unfortunately that puts the onus on me to keep myself together so I don't set him off, but I think I can handle that, I hope.

[lbjnltx]

I'm starting to question whether or not he is worth the emotional upset he causes.

What emotional upset is he causing? 

Focusing on self care, getting your daughter the help she needs and learning how to build a better relationship with your daughter is very important.

Is he supporting you in all of those endeavors?  How is he parenting your daughter from a long distance?

[unicorn2014]

He knows how to push my buttons but its up to me whether or not I want to respond. He does help me in all the endeavor you mentions. He talks to her on the phone and texts her. He helps work towards goals and solve problems. If I can restrain myself from responding to his provocations when he engages in them, whether they're intentional or not, then he is a very helpful and supportive partner.

[Bright Day Mom]

I am sorry you are going through this rough patch and I commend you for questioning the appropriateness of your fiance within the family unit.  We too have a BPDD teen and are currently going through family sessions to assist us in communicating more effectively.  I have been reading non-stop (knowledge is power) and know it takes a strong village to raise a BPD child.  I've read this somewhere and it really resonated with me: "ask yourself is it more important to be right or effective" when in the midst of a heated conversation. 

Do you have a plan in place for the family sessions? If so, see if he is able to apply any of the teachings into the home.  Who knows, he may surprise you and make some positive changes.

You have nothing to lose by holding off on saying the I-do's until you have a comfort level he would be the kind, understanding man that would compliment your family. 

[unicorn2014]

Thank you BD mom, my fiancé is still legally married to his wife and living out of state, so its going to be a while. My daughter also doesn't have a diagnosis yet besides being discharged from the emergency room with depression and alcohol overdose. I'm dealing with the alcoholism part within my community, I'm hoping the psychologist will deal with the depression part. She did just sign a treatment plan for a year of therapy yesterday so that's a win!

[lbjnltx]

That is a win!  Is this like an enforceable contract between your d and  her therapist?

[unicorn2014]

Her new therapist said she could back out at any time. It's her first therapist. She didn't have a diagnosis. The ER diagnosed her with depression. That's where we're at.