Shes pregnant to the new guy.

[Infern0]

Game. Set. Match

Its over.

[roberto516]

I'm sorry to hear that. Same thing happened with my first BPD ex. Within a month she was pregnant by him. Honestly, that news helped me detach quicker. As soon as she showed me documentation about the date of conception I felt free. It still hurt a lot. Which is okay. But this could be a blessing in disguise. 

How long have you guys been broken up?

[Infern0]

I'm sorry to hear that. Same thing happened with my first BPD ex. Within a month she was pregnant by him. Honestly, that news helped me detach quicker. As soon as she showed me documentation about the date of conception I felt free. It still hurt a lot. Which is okay. But this could be a blessing in disguise. 

How long have you guys been broken up?

We have been broken up for a while but on/off on/off

She contacted me a few weeks ago and was feeling out for another chance but she just found out today shes several weeks... .

Its done for me

[heartandwhole]

Very tough news, Infern0.  I'm sorry.

How are you feeling about this?

heartandwhole

[happendtome]

Its just a matter of time for me to hear that same news.

[Infern0]

Very tough news, Infern0.  I'm sorry.

How are you feeling about this?

heartandwhole

End of the road.

Part of me sees it a good thing. Part of me is sad that its over for good.

She was asking me to be her friend, i think she's scared. She is still her, said "she always treated me well why wont i be her friend". Even used her pet mame for me which she hasnt done in forever. She has no introspection.

I wont be her friend sorry, she made her choices. I tried my best.

It is what it is.

Theres no happy ending with BPD. None

[GuySmiley]

Yep this sucks. It hurts like hell.

My BPDx got back in touch 4 years ago telling me she'd just had a kid and I was devastated. I still am - only last night I was awake going over and over how I'm never going to have the family I want to have with her.

Only comfort I can give you is the same that's been offered to me in these boards - it doesn't feel like it right now, but you've dodged a massive bullet. The guy who she's with - you may think he's got what you wanted but he's in for a world of pain that he's stuck with for the rest of his life. You'll go through your bad times, but you will eventually come to realise that you're better off without.

Also, once the baby is born, expect a recycle as it will sink in with her that she's now tied to this new guy for the rest of her life and she'll feel completely trapped. You're her pressure release valve - expect the recycle and act accordingly - i.e. abort abort abort!

[roberto516]

Only comfort I can give you is the same that's been offered to me in these boards - it doesn't feel like it right now, but you've dodged a massive bullet. The guy who she's with - you may think he's got what you wanted but he's in for a world of pain that he's stuck with for the rest of his life. You'll go through your bad times, but you will eventually come to realise that you're better off without.

Agreed. I can't imagine what my old ex' replacement must be thinking now that they have 2 kids. She doesn't work and he's definitely a savior type as well. I can't imagine the existentialist crisis' he goes through in his life. You dodged a bullet my friend.

[Outoftheshadows]

I can imagine such news stings however, let me put things in perspective. You would be Cooperating with your ex for a minimum of sixteen years. Now, if your ex was anything like my ex, who is a diagnosed borderline, such a prospect does not bear thinking about. I imagine that your ex berated you for the most banal of infractions, slowly eroding your dignity and self esteem. Do you believe your ex will be any different with the man whom is to be the father of her child? The likelihood is that she will not. This poor soul has to endure a lifetime of being connected to your ex with her BPd tendencies such as projection, gaslighting etc. Now, if you're aware of the severity of these manipulative techniques then you must thus be conscious of how they will effect her current partner. He, like you, will eventually be subjected to her behaviours for sixteen years or more. I did not have a child with my BPD ex although I did have a dog. When the dog was young and a magnet for passing attention my ex was enthralled with the dog. As the dog made the transition from puppy to adulthood, her attention waned and I became sole carer. I am aware that the connection is vastly different than it would be if a child was involved but there are a myriad of similarities. As other posters have stated, you have indeed dodged a bullet, one that would have lodged deep within your nervous system causing involuntary spasmatic reflexes for the duration of your union with your ex. One day you will have children and then you will realise how different your life is compared to how it could have been. In a positive sense that is. Self development should be your priority now and not this situation. Trust me, the shifting of focus will be integral to your insight in regards the barbarous nature of your courtship. That is of course if your relationship was in any way similar to mine.

[patientandclear]

End of the road.

Part of me sees it a good thing. Part of me is sad that its over for good.

She was asking me to be her friend, i think she's scared. She is still her, said "she always treated me well why wont i be her friend". Even used her pet mame for me which she hasnt done in forever. She has no introspection.

I wont be her friend sorry, she made her choices. I tried my best.

It is what it is.

Theres no happy ending with BPD. None

Infern0, this doesn't seem like a stable position on your part. How is her being pregnant decisive about whether you will be her friend? Sounds like to you, "friend" had an implicitly romantic quality to it, and now her pregnancy confronts you with the fact that that doesn't really fit the facts at this point.

But what exactly changed? You knew beyond any doubt she has been sexually involved with a number of men. This is just a consequence of something you already knew.

I don't counsel friendship if either you or she are going to try to make it more than that. I'm not in touch with my ex because he can't stay in the friendship column (but also can't sustain or even try with integrity more than  friendship). But this is not because it suddenly dawned on me that he has had sex with others. This is a fact you already knew.

I'm guessing this is a just a painful reminder that an unconscious fantasy you may have still been attached to at some level isn't fact-based.  But from her perspective, nothing new happened--you already knew she was having sex with others.

[Anez]

My therapist always warned me about getting back together with my ex because he said odds are i'd get her pregnant. He has seen that a lot with women with BPD. And he would tell me how I wouldn't want that attachment for the rest of my life. and he is right.

this poor guy is gonna have to have her play a part in his life for years and years with the kid. and that isn't going to go well for him.

While it hurts, just think about the bullet you dodged. you are lucky, as much as it doesn't feel that way right now.

[Replacement99]

Celebrate that it's not yours, if it was you would be in for a life of pain. Have sympathy for the new guy his life is over.

[HopefulDad]

I know it hurts.  Sorry that this is happening.  That being said, you should be proud that you have lines that cannot be crossed.  "Infern0 is no cuck" is a great line to uphold.

[kc sunshine]

Oh man, Infern0, that is tough. Maybe this is really it for you in terms of letting her go.

Our timeline has been similar-- and I've followed your advice and your lead about how to proceed in my relationship with my BPD ex as well over the past years. I'm feeling like "game set match" too-- we just had a little four day fling, and man it was like all the great and all the awful stuff concentrated in those times. During that time she told me about her last relationship and whoa did it sound tough. It sounds like she was violent to her ex (pushed her) and then also cheated on her. Her ex moved out, but in our four days together was texting her a lot, so I bet a recycle is in the cards. Anyway, on top of that she was drinking heavily and stopped taking her depression meds. Each of those things alone would make a relationship super tough, but add them all together-- whoa. I think my heart finally gets the picture.

[Herodias]

I told my ex that if he got another woman pregnant, we would be through. He did! They had the baby a month before our divorce. She had to wait to get a paternity test in order to get her divorce that was 6 months after the baby was born. I pity the child unless it ends up a sociopath. It's all karma for them and we are finally out. They may look happy for awhile, but they do the same thing again. Do not be surprised if you are still asked to come back. Mine did, I said no. Then he told me I could be the baby aunt! I said no- now he is mad and giving me the silent treatment. That's fine, but he is getting himself into trouble with not following court orders. They get karma- don't worry. We are lucky not to be stuck with that for life. I have seen what it can do in that case too. Be glad you know now and work on yourself.

[Infern0]

Today has not been a good day.

Everything is going pretty rough eh.

I have been ill for the last month with labrynthitis, although it is starting to clear up

had to take unpaid leave because it's not covered so financially in a hole

things with the new girl i have been seeing are breaking down because my sickness has affected me so much

tonight im supposed to be at a party with her but i just didnt feel upto it after this news so now shes given me the "should we even bother carrying on" message and turned her phone off.

it's not going good.

[Hidden Dragon]

IMHO: you don't need a new girlfriend around you now, she may feel it, just let her go (reread the first phase). It should be ok for both.

[Mutt]

Hi Infern0,

tonight im supposed to be at a party with her but i just didnt feel upto it after this news so now shes given me the "should we even bother carrying on" message and turned her phone off.

Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells with this new girl, I get low level guilt from FOG with your statement, you could also add obligation.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Infern0,

A compassionate partner would be supportive and understanding that ill health affects you.  If you are still having strong feelings about your ex, could it be that the timing is a bit off to be in this relationship?  How do you feel about this new girl?

Love and light x

[GuySmiley]

things with the new girl i have been seeing are breaking down because my sickness has affected me so much

tonight im supposed to be at a party with her but i just didnt feel upto it after this news so now shes given me the "should we even bother carrying on" message and turned her phone off.

it's not going good.

Jebus - look, you're already dealing with a lot from your xBPD, you don't need some new girl laying down the law to you. Kick this new one to the curb until you've sorted your head out properly.

Don't start off with this one by being led around by the nose with her silent treatment. Take control of this new relationship by you distancing yourself from her until you're match fit again.

[roberto516]

tonight im supposed to be at a party with her but i just didnt feel upto it after this news so now shes given me the "should we even bother carrying on" message and turned her phone off.

it's not going good.

When we first started getting together she was still confused and torn about her ex. I encouraged her to talk to me about it and I didn't feel any jealousy or anything. I wanted to support her and let her know she could confide in me.

Not that I was a saint throughout the relationship. But as someone said, if the new girl is giving you ultimatums and going silent because of this then a lot of red flags would be popping up for me.

And as someone else said, maybe you arent in a good head space/really healed to invest in a new relationship.

[Infern0]

Hi Infern0,

A compassionate partner would be supportive and understanding that ill health affects you.  If you are still having strong feelings about your ex, could it be that the timing is a bit off to be in this relationship?  How do you feel about this new girl?

Love and light x

I do like her a lot but she doesnt quite understand a lot of things. Shes very much a care-free kind of girl with a tough exterior.

Normally we get on amazingly well  and have a great time together but the last few weeks being rough on me i dont think she gets it.

[Harley Quinn]

I do like her a lot but she doesnt quite understand a lot of things. Shes very much a care-free kind of girl with a tough exterior.

Normally we get on amazingly well  and have a great time together but the last few weeks being rough on me i dont think she gets it.

I think that in any relationship timing is key.  Sometimes we meet someone who is totally great yet it seems to be at the wrong time for us and things would otherwise work out if they had come along at a different stage in our lives. 

How long have you been together and do you see it as a long term commitment or less serious than that?  If it's not serious, perhaps this is an indicator that things are running their natural course... .However should you wish to pursue a long term relationship with this girl I'd say it's time to talk about expectations of one another.  Imagine if in 20 years time you suddenly became seriously ill... .And she just didn't 'get it'... .Is that what you'd really need at such a time?

Love and light x

[kc sunshine]

Inferno how are you doing today? A little better?

[Infern0]

Inferno how are you doing today? A little better?

Yeah not too bad.

Things got bad with the new girl i think we might be done.

Im just trying to wrap my head around my finances at the moment.

But mentally at least, doing ok.

[Gero Nimo]

I too have a story to tell.  On a dating website in the spring of 2018, I found myself a lady who I thought was the ideal woman.  Our dating kicked off in Shanghai (this was the idealization phase), and after missing my British Airways flight bound for London, I decided to buy a KLM ticket for Warsaw so I could accompany her back there and meet her family, which duly happened.  Soon after, we made plans to get married.  We also tried to have a baby together (she had back then two daughters from her previous marriage).  We couldn't get there because, from what she told me, her AMH levels were too low.  We briefly tried a fertility clinic.  Anyways, fast forward to December of 2018, after I had driven non-stop all the way from England to Poland with my car laden with my junk and my 15-year old dog, miss perfect devalued me and I could not understand why, despite all my efforts to make amends for whatever the hell I did wrong.  Come the end of December, she had totally discarded me and I knew then that it was pretty much game over.  I drove off, leaving her behind with her two daughters who I had grown so attached to.  Fast forward to October 2019, my mother, who was still in touch with her on facebook, found out that she had given birth to a baby boy in August.  My mother was excited at the news thinking the baby was mine and she thus had a grandson.  But, alas, that baby boy was not mine.  What had happened was, my ex boarded a flight to another country and met up with a guy whose identity I still ignore and got herself pregnant from him.  I suspect that she must have met him during the New Year holidays.  Though the baby was due for September, she gave birth in August because of her physiology with her weak heart.  I couldn't make any sense of why she did this.  I then got reading several forums and came across an abbreviation I wasn't familiar with: BPD.  I researched it and that's how I came to find out about this personality disorder.  I went through the symptoms:  "fear of abandonment", "Jealousy", "feelings of emptiness", "feelings of depression", "feeling unworthy", "feeling untrustworthy of one's partner", "switching from idealization to devaluation to discarding", et cetera.  It took me 17 months after my break-up to see the light.  My ex is a BPD.  Finally I could clear my head now I had the answers I needed.  I could also forgive her for giving birth to a child that isn't mine.  I thank the Lord for protecting me and I pity the fool who is stuck with her with this kid.  So there you have it folks!