Need support

[BPDSCARS]

 Hi! I don’t even know where to start.

My mom has BPD. I have had to go mostly no contact over the years. Now she’s 80 and I’m her only living child. She needs care and I’m trying to help orchestrate it all while keeping some boundaries but it makes my skin crawl to be around her. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to avoid triggering topics- she ALWAYS takes it there. I need help knowing healthy boundaries. These last few weeks have been really hard on me and it affects my ability to function with my normal day to day responsibilities. I feel like such an asshole for not wanting to be around her.

TIA- ❤️

[Methuen]

 I just finished reading a book written by Nedra Tawwab called Set Boundaries: Find Peace.

Easy to read, and a wealth of knowledge, experience and strategies in that book.  She’s a therapist.

[Notwendy]

Welcome- there are several of us here in a similar situation. As you read through some of our posts, you will see that we struggle with trying to manage care for an elderly BPD parent while maintaining our own emotional well being.

We also know how you feel about contact with your mother. It's not the kind of situation people who have not experienced this can relate to. You are not a bad person.

[Notwendy]

Methuen- my copy of that book just arrived from Amazon. Looking forward to reading it!

[Annette321]

I just went through this a couple years ago with my mom.  It is a long haul and brutally taxing emotionally and physically.  IF you possibly have someone else that can buffer when she is in these moods, that would help but as you know if you are the target person for the abuse, it will be a constant.   Biggest thing I can tell you is your mental well-being and physical health are your priority.  Don't do like me and run yourself into the ground and end up with serious illness.   If your mom draws you into word salad and you sense that mood being there, they excuse yourself from the situation.   

My mother ended up dying two years into reconnecting after being no contact for 4 years.  She did die in peace and she did give me peace (amazingly) when she passed.  I felt good that I could be there for her and felt good that it peace-giving, loving.  I had closure.   BUT after they die it's another hurdle of dealing with the mixed emotions, flash backs and healing.

Just do the best you can and put your health as a priority.  Keep in mind that one day your mom will pass and to approach each moment with forethought that you might be left with an emotional hot potato. 

Also know that people with BPD have a higher risk of dementia...this happened quickly with my mom.  And amazingly, dementia/Alzheimer's resembles BPD so if your parent is not diagnosed, keep it that way unlabeled as this will make it more difficult to get her help in an assisted living situation, etc   Start looking into this now before the situation arises.  What are your options, what is your mom's current insurance and financial situation.  Make sure you are listed as medical power of attorney but know also that this doesn't help 'much'.   

I feel for you as this is a tough chapter.  It's not forever though.  Just do the best you can while staying safe.   

[TelHill]

Hello Annette321 and welcome. 

 Biggest thing I can tell you is your mental well-being and physical health are your priority.  Don't do like me and run yourself into the ground and end up with serious illness.   If your mom draws you into word salad and you sense that mood being there, they excuse yourself from the situation. 

I hope you were able to completely heal from your illness, Annette.

I moved in with my elderly parents about 6 years ago after spending my all my adult life NC, VLC, or LC due to my dBPD mother. I sabotaged my mental health...and a social life and an sense of self. We all know the rage and humiliation our mothers dish out to us. It truly has a lasting adverse effect.

My mother ended up dying two years into reconnecting after being no contact for 4 years.  She did die in peace and she did give me peace (amazingly) when she passed.  I felt good that I could be there for her and felt good that it peace-giving, loving.  I had closure. 

I'm sorry about her passing. I'm glad you both were able to experience a sense of peace. I'm happy you had closure.

BUT after they die it's another hurdle of dealing with the mixed emotions, flash backs and healing.

Others with bpd parents who have passed away have posted about this too. My mom is still alive but I had an unfortunate long-term marriage. My ex-husband was very abusive and I ended the marriage. I didn't like him or love him. I was very sorry I married him. He died and I went through a long, painful grieving period. I was taken aback. You don't expect to grieve someone you didn't care for and never wanted to see again.

The only good from that is knowing this will happen when my mother passes away. I'm preparing myself.

[Notwendy]

 My elderly BPD mother is alive and her situation seems to change constantly. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. It's impossible to be proactive with her- with aspects other than her health- due to her behavior and she isn't compliant with her health care providers.

One of my concerns ( since I do have POA and medical POA- and as mentioned, it's good to have them but they are made less useful due to her not cooperating or overriding decisions) is that I need to know that if I am in a position to make a decision for her that I am doing the right thing for her- and it's hard to have that assurance with her behavior. I believe I do make the best possible decisions that I can- but she doesn't go along with plans and also seems unhappy with what people do for her.

The grief hurdle- that was with my father. He was ill for a time before he passed. BPD mother's behavior escalated during that time. There were some flashbacks- I confirmed with relatives that these memories actually happened. I thought perhaps they were dreams. He was the parent I was attached to and I grieved the loss. On the other hand, a relationship with him required I comply with my BPD mother.

I am not her caregiver and don't live near her. But as I have become more involved in her care- I can see more clearly what my father faced in a relationship with her. She seems to be in constant emotional discomfort yet, attempts to help her seem to fail. It's impossible to reason with her and she doesn't cooperate. Seeing her in this emotional pain is difficult.

I am concerned for my mother's well being but also know I need to have boundaries with her and I do. She isn't capable of caring about anyone else but her own needs.

[Methuen]

I had closure.   BUT after they die it's another hurdle of dealing with the mixed emotions, flash backs and healing.

I am 62 and my mom is 88.  All of her family live into their mid-late 90's regardless of health conditions.  So I'm bracing for my mom to live a lot of years still. 

Right now, I can't imagine anything but "relief" and "emancipation" when she passes.  But I know it is more complicated than this. 

How long would you say your "recovery" (from the flashbacks, mixed emotions, and healing) took after her passing?  Just curious....

[Brace4Tsunami]

Hi, I'm sorry youre going thru this. I can't imagine what your going thru and I kinda dread getting to this point myself. I totally get the guilt without actually having done something wrong thing. You're not alone. It's amazing how conditioned we can become to it but it's not true. You're not a bad person. That's definitely evidenced by the fact that you're still trying to be there for her.