Saying "I love you"

[ziniztar]

Hey everyone,

I've noticed a few times now that when I say "I love you" to my dBPDbf, he can't handle it. The first time he didn't talk to me for over a day, only the day after he called me to say: "You shouldn't say stuff like that, I can't handle it."

The other day (a few months and some crises further) I mentioned it to him again, after having a wonderful weekend together. Immediately he starts talking to me in a very childish voice saying "No no no don't say that to me, don't do that." And then he said: "It is too much pressure."

I don't really understand this - pressure? Of course I'm not able to talk to him about it so I was wondering if anyone else here has had similar experiences? Thanks 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rubyhammer]

Over the years, my uBPDw's responses to me saying "I love you" have changed back and forth quite a bit.

Some examples:

I say, "I love you."

She responds:

"I don't believe you."

"I don't know what that means."

"I don't know what love is."

"It doesn't seem like you love me."

"If you say you love me then why did you do x, y or z?"

And my personal favorite response:

"I don't know what that means, but I do know that you are the least annoying person I know."

All of her replies are very invalidating and I find it best not to say "I love you" unless she's feeling VERY good about herself.  She doesn't think I love her, and it's because she feels worthless herself, therefore when I say I love her, I'm invalidating her feelings of worthlessness.

[HopefulDad]

"I don't know what that means, but I do know that you are the least annoying person I know."

Awwwwwww.  It's those sweet nothings whispered into your ears that make it all worth it, huh?

[MissyM]

I get the response,  "No you don't" or "I don't feel like you do".  He has gotten better about that and that is now only the response about 50% of the time.  So the pressure could be that it reminds him that he feels unlovable or that he feels pressured to express love to you.  Did you ask him for further clarification?

[ziniztar]

Wow, all of you. It must be difficult to deal with, getting those answers all the time.

Did you ask him for further clarification?

No, I did not (yet). He's discussing meds and more therapy, is attending a funeral this week and I don't want to push him. I'll do that when the time feels right. I guess it makes sense to say he feels unlovable and feels pressured to say it back. Probably feels inadequate? There were multiple examples of people that displayed positive feelings towards him (a new psychiatrist saying to him he cared for him and was concerned and someone at work giving him extremely positive feedback) that made him very angry. It doesn't add up in his mind. I guess that same mechanism applies to when I say I love you.

Funny enough he sometimes can say "I feel so much for you, right here" and then points at his chest. And he'll allow me to say that I am crazy about him. But "love" is too much.

[lemon flower]

Funny, in my r/ships (plural) my (BP- or other) partners were always the ones shouting out loud that they loved me or whispered sweet names in my ears, while I am the one who has difficulties in saying "I love you"... . and I have never been able to call someone sweet names, except for small children or my cats... .

allthough in the end I do love them, there's just something that holds me from saying it out loud... .

[mywifecrazy]

My uBPDxf used to always tell me she loved me but in the form of a question. "I love you"?  I hated it, it was so childish. She obviously wasn't professing her love for me she was just very neededy and and wanted to here me tell her that I loved her. I tried to explain to her that an I love you that is forced out of a guilt trip is not a real I love you.

So many Red Flags that I didn't see back then but that are clear as day now!

[Mike_confused]

My BPD wife announced that she doesn't need love from anyone except God.  This after more than a year in Celebrate Recovery.  While I get that concept, I am more than a little tired of her rhetoric.  Very tired.  So I told her : "cool, that takes the pressure off of me then!"

Shortly after that quip I remembered that she is the only one allowed to make jokes.

I am finding it very difficult to take her "philosophy of the day" seriously anymore since she has no consistent sense of self.

[Proud_Dad]

AH... . the professions of "love" that we receive from our SOs.

This is a great topic that I have often thought about in my current relationship with my uBPDgf.

Over the years I have been told the following in response to me saying "I love you":

"NO YOU DONT!"

"You don't know what love is"

"How can you say you love me and then treat me like s**t?"

"You don't love me like I love you"

"I love you way more than you love me"

":)o you?"

This list could go on and on but I'm sure we have all heard some version of these responses. Sometimes when I tell her I love her it feels like I am reminding myself why I am still here, almost to the point that I am trying to convince myself that I still love her.

[rubyhammer]

Proud_Dad,

Sometimes when I tell her I love her it feels like I am reminding myself why I am still here, almost to the point that I am trying to convince myself that I still love her.

I get the same feeling, too.  After hundreds and hundreds of times saying "I love you" and being totally invalidated almost every time, I've started to question myself.  Why do I keep saying this?  :)o I actually love her?  Am I only pretending (to myself and to my wife)?  What is love exactly?  Am I misunderstanding what love is?  Perhaps my idea of love and my wife's idea of love are so vastly different that they'll never match up?

After learning about BPD, validation, and the other tools on this board, I've stopped questioning myself based on her responses.  I know what my idea of love is.  I won't change that to fit her daily moods.

Having said that, I also understand the "love languages" and the necessity of expressing my love for my wife in a way that she understands.  Unfortunately, in her case, that changes very frequently.  So rather than chase her all over the place, I try to be as consistent as possible.

Good topic!

[Haye]

Wow. Reading your experiences... .   . Also makes me how much my bf has progressed. Now he has no difficulties in saying that he loves me very deeply (and is very sincere about it, no playing games there). Sometimes he wonders why I love him, and how I have kept loving him despite everything that has happened; he does also wonder why he loves me and why i seem so unique and special to him :D. (i only answer him that i have no idea, but at least we're both equally stupidly in love with eachother)

But. Not that long ago things were very different and topics like love were difficult. Originally i avoided saying any sorts of i-love-yous, or such. Because i realized quite soon that strong emotions are extremely difficult for him, both his own feelinings and if someone else feels strongly for him. He's more on the DID (dissociative) side of BPD and strong emotions actually triggered the nastier side out of him. Being truly close one another (emotionally) could last a couple days, sometimes even a week... . And then SNAP there would be this really really cold and harsh guy . Cruel, avoidant, seeing me as an obstacle or nuisance, seeing everybody as stupid cookies to crash. Perhaps not actually hating me, but still a dislike-of-a-sorts, specially towards any sorts of intimacy, not even hugs or such. Those times he'd usually (er always?) leave me. Found someone online usually, sometimes he'd just go.

I'm not sure what changed and how, only that it was slow and gradual. Sometimes, when he was about to go he'd say something about how i should understand i mean a lot to him, or such. Sometimes, once gone, we'd talk and i'd be trying to explain why i was so heartbroken, that it was behaving oddly and not just me being over-sensitive (most of the time he couldn't understand my reaction). Sometimes when things were "normal" we even talked about the fact that i love him, deeply, and he feels something, but only a little and agreed that it isn't a problem; feelings don't have to be symmetrical if both are fine. I didn't gling on to him - i said in my books everyone is free to go if they want, i honestly don't want anyone to be with me for fear of breaking my heart or such. But I also told him that i can't handle my heart getting broken repeadetly and eventually drew boundaries, told him that even though I can't choose who i love i can choose what i do and decided not to take him back anymore.  

Well erm it's a long story, i've explained it on the introdcutions, but yeah boundaries were set etc and even though i missed him _a lot_ i actually managed to hold them. For a while  . Anyways, yeah I took him back, told him that things have to be different (ie my heart/feelings has to respected) and that even though i know he doesn't mean to treat me bad it simply cant' continue. Of course there were promises and while he no longer looked for anyone new he almost went back to his old habits by getting back with an ex of his. This time, once he met her he realized he can only think me, that misses me a lot and realized that he is in love with me. Came back immediately.

I was a bit on guard with the whole love thing, not sure i could trust him... . and was even a bit upset that i wouldn't trust his feelings and feared things will repeat themselves. I think the biggest thing that has changed is that he is more concisouss about the changes in his mind-set and i've also learnt to trust that one crumpy day here and there no longer rocks the boat complitely. The changes hurt him, he says it's terrible to realize his thinking and feeling things in a way that aren't true and hates the inability to stop it from happening. But there's therapy and progress and yeah part of me is a bit afraid but i don't know, might as well enjoy the love thing while it lasts .

[ziniztar]

Haye, let's hope this one lasts!

I've read some interesting responses! I notice a lot of "I dont't believe you" answers which I don't get at all. I know my dBPDbf has been physically attacked / bullied at high school which led him to believe he's not worth anything, and he's very aware of "not being good at relationships".

/ everytime I write or think about that I get such a feeling of sadness and anger, how can kids do these things to each other / 

He doesn't understand why I stay, or why anyone else for that matter will give him any type of attention. But in neutral to good days he seems to accept that. I know he's talking about this with his T sometimes. He accepts that she puts an effort into him because she's his T and that is what T's do. So I'm now using that same logic sometimes when he's rejecting my positive behaviour. "I do this because we are boyfriend and girlfriend and that's what they do." Usually that ends his resistance. Would that be "normalizing" my own behaviour?

[ziniztar]

PS thanks for the tip of saying out loud that it's OK to be skewed on this. I'm gonna discuss that with him and find out if he feels pressured to say it back.

[Haye]

ziniztar, my SO told me quite early (when we were still just friends) that he doesn't think anyone could ever love him. Some "i don't deserve love", or something, was rooted very deeply inside him and he basically couldn't deal with the idea of being loved. Some of it was also about not being able to love someone back. I remembered how in some earlier confontrations he thought that he is simply a cold person and can't feel much. Later it was more a fear? Loving someone deeply is quite strong emotion, you have to open yourself, trust almost blindly. And it leaves one open to a lot more hurt than simply liking someone and keeping a protective distance. We've talked also how deep love is often scary even for those with a stable mind. 

[Obibens]

Interesting thread.  I have the exact opposite in my marriage.  My wife will say 'love you' literally dozens of times a day.  She has no problem saying it, even after she tells me that she's the only woman in the world that would put up with me, or countless other insults that I could not imaging saying to anyone, much less someone I 'loved'.  Maybe it's just her way of telling me that I haven't annoyed her today, or that she approves of my current subservience.  Or maybe it's a constant test to make sure I haven't abandoned her yet.

Either way, it's gotten to the point that I cringe when I hear that.  It's the splitting that really confuses me. I understand what she is doing with the splitting now, but it's so hard to rationalize being told how 'awful' I am as a husband/father/person on day to hearing 'I love you' 30 times the next day.  Of course, with no explaination of what caused the sudden change of heart (either way).  It just makes me go numb emotionally to avoid the swings.

[ziniztar]

We've talked also how deep love is often scary even for those with a stable mind. 

So true.

Or maybe it's a constant test to make sure I haven't abandoned her yet.

That depends. What do you do when she says it? Do you say it back? Are you ever the first to say it or is this her way to check if you still answer in the same way, and get confirmation of your love? What do you think? PS, I can see why you get numb to the constant mood swings. It helped me to stick to my own reality (do I think we're doing ok, is this love for me, how are we doing in the long run?) and letting go of his version of reality. One day we're looking for houses and the other he says he doesn't mean a word he said. I try not to let it get to me.

[Obibens]

Or maybe it's a constant test to make sure I haven't abandoned her yet.

That depends. What do you do when she says it? Do you say it back? Are you ever the first to say it or is this her way to check if you still answer in the same way, and get confirmation of your love? What do you think?

I say it first sometimes, but it's hard to say it first when she says it so often.   Granted, this isn't every day.  If she's upset with me she will goes days without saying it.  And on those days I'll say it and get no response.

As far as when she says it frequently, I usually reply in kind.  Of course, if I don't she definately notices and brings it up within a day or so.

[Allmessedup]

My Bpd gf and I were just talking about this.  We have been communicating very well thanks to lots and lots of validation on my part.

I too have either gotten the silence or the no you don't reply.

So I asked what she was feeling when that occurred.

Usually it is because she is triggered from stuff in her past.  She doesn't FEEL lovable at that point and so my words appear incongruent to her and therefore very invalidating.

Which actually I can understand and told her so.

We problem solved it together and if I have any question where her emotional level is at I will either simply ask her if it's ok to say, or say something like I care for you very much. 

That (so far) has managed to work exceptionally well for us

[an0ught]

Hi ziniztar

I've noticed a few times now that when I say "I love you" to my dBPDbf, he can't handle it. The first time he didn't talk to me for over a day, only the day after he called me to say: "You shouldn't say stuff like that, I can't handle it."

The other day (a few months and some crises further) I mentioned it to him again, after having a wonderful weekend together. Immediately he starts talking to me in a very childish voice saying "No no no don't say that to me, don't do that." And then he said: "It is too much pressure."

I don't really understand this - pressure? Of course I'm not able to talk to him about it so I was wondering if anyone else here has had similar experiences? Thanks 

it is actually quite easy to understand once you start focusing on how he feels about these things:

Himself - struggles to accept himself. Struggles to love himself.

Wonderful weekend - insecure and not taking ownership of his contribution to the success

What you do is simply invalidating him by being so awfully positive  . Trust his senses here - he knows very well when something is invalidating and it is awesome he is able to express it. 

How to do it better?

  1) SET e.g. validate that he is feeling worthless before telling him that you love him.

  2) Dialectical messages like: "Not all weekends are great and sometimes you go on my nerves - this weekend was simply perfect. Will be hard to get a follow-up that is as great."

Of course these need to be tuned to your situation.

[Stalwart]

Wow a lot of interesting and like responses.

Depends on what colour I was that day. Painted black was always a negative response about me not possibly loving her or I wouldn't... . or met with no response at all. Not really what you want to here from the person you sleep with every night when you're having an affair with another person because your husband doesn't pay enough attention to loving you though is it?

Now though she has no problems with saying she loves me, like most I sometimes wonder to myself to what extent and meaning that has for her. Mostly though I get "I don't know how you could or why you would  - but I'm glad you do."

If it wasn't so desperate in so many relationships it would almost be laughable sometimes. I can't imagine being so damaged and trying to even consider coping with life let-alone a relationship. As much as I try to learn and empathize with her situation I can honestly say I still remain so baffled about some aspects of it with regards to exactly what some of these things truly mean to her and the extent they absolutely affect her every living moment day by day. Over the past years she's trusted me enough to confide in some of the emotions and things she doesn't have the ability to feel or understand that she recognizes in other peoples and writings but when it comes to love I quess it still leaves huge undefined realities from my concept and experience and practices.

I sure hope you figure this out though and get what you want in your situation zinzibar.

[ziniztar]

Many many interesting reactions! Obviously an issue a lot of people come across. It helps me to know that other people have the same issues. I wonder, has anyone had the pleasure of hearing it back, in an honest genuine type of way?

Over the past years she's trusted me enough to confide in some of the emotions and things she doesn't have the ability to feel or understand that she recognizes in other peoples and writings but when it comes to love I quess it still leaves huge undefined realities from my concept and experience and practices.

I hear you. My dBPDbf once mentioned he doesn't get it that other people can be so interested in one another, but that he became very good at asking how people are doing simply because he's copying behaviour. He really is not interested in the answer.

it is actually quite easy to understand once you start focusing on how he feels about these things:

Thanks again an0ught, I think partially because of your answers to my posts I'm starting to see more and more chances to (in)validate.

What you do is simply invalidating him by being so awfully positive  .

Hahaha. Ok I get it. Thanks.

 2) Dialectical messages like: "Not all weekends are great and sometimes you go on my nerves - this weekend was simply perfect. Will be hard to get a follow-up that is as great."

I can see where you're going at it with this. To me talking like this feels really uncomfortable. I even find it uncomfortable when people do it with me, I feel like they are over-emphasizing on emotions and I've always been taught/used to suppress them. When a T or friend who is really good at this talks to me in such a way, I feel like too much spotlight is on me and I try to shove it under the rug. But at the same time it feels good, I feel understood. It's funny how I just realised this myself.

[ziniztar]

My Bpd gf and I were just talking about this.  We have been communicating very well thanks to lots and lots of validation on my part.

... .

We problem solved it together and if I have any question where her emotional level is at I will either simply ask her if it's ok to say, or say something like I care for you very much. 

That (so far) has managed to work exceptionally well for us

That's great progress, good to hear. I'm glad for you! 

[Miss Topaz]

When I say I love you,  I do not get a response if he is low but I get it freely if he is in a good mood. When I printed a romantic poem I had written for him in his card the level of emotion I showed made him so uncomfortable he pushed me away/tried to break up with me specifically mentioning how he didn't feel the same as my emotions expressed in the card. We talked through that crisis but yes he is definitely less open to being that emotionally vulnerable.

[ziniztar]

he is definitely less open to being that emotionally vulnerable.

I guess that's where you're hitting it on the spot: showing you love/care means you can immediately be afraid of losing someone again, or becoming dependent on them.

For now I'll stick to "I'm crazy about you" as that seems to work . Next time when I really feel the urge to say it I'll try some of the dialectical/set type ways and see what happens.

[Foreverhopefull]

In almost 20 years together (only 20 days left before we hit the 20 years together milestone), my dBPDh has maybe said "I love you" 20 times.

It used to bug me allot. But I noticed how uncomfortable he was with it... . and noticed that he would always respond the same way " you're crazy". It took quite a few years and many tears on my part, but he finally told me that he doesn't understand that I can love him and he doesn't understand what "love is. It took a while but I told him that for me it's important that I remind him that I love him, so I will say it and if he tells me "you're crazy" or "I know" (he's a big Star Wars fan), I know he means "I love you too".

I feel that it's only 3 words but the meaning is a big impact/weight on people with BPD.

[ziniztar]

Interestingly, he mentioned on the phone today that he thinks he's starting to love me. That he doesn't really get it yet but that he feels less inclined to push me away, even when he's not feeling well.

I'd like to celebrate this mini-victory here . I know that we're definitely not there yet and the road ahead is rocky... yet this seems like progress. He was able to communicate this weekend that he wasn't feeling well, and managed to keep the depressed mood under control. Next is to find out where that came from, but that's the next babystep 

[Foreverhopefull]

ziniztar,

If I have one suggestion stop trying " to find out where that came from". He opened up, that's all. He trust you enough to be confident that you will listen to him talking.

That's one thing that has made the last few years so much easier, I stopped trying to know more than what he's ready to give me.

As you said "baby steps", we want to know more and "get how they think"... . we can't because we are not in their head and even they can't understand everything. Imagine explaining to someone a physics equation when you have no clue what it means.

Your victory is that he told you that he likes having you close (he feels less inclined to push me away, even when he's not feeling well.). That's a HUGE building block, but it's a building block.

[ziniztar]

Foreverhopefull,

Thanks for your suggestion and time in your reply to me. I can see where you are coming from. When we're constantly focusing on our BPD SO we lose too much energy that we can well use on ourselves. I know it's not my duty to find out what is going on in his head, yet in this case he even mentioned it to me himself. He thought he didn't do well enough therapy/progress wise because he didn't understand where the sadness came from, and I validated the steps he made thus far. It's a step he's willing to take and talk about now, not one I feel responsible for.

In some cases knowing what are common BPD traits and where they come from, help me to not internalize things that happen. If I hadn't known that the entire could shoulder is a defense mechanism because I read about it and understand a little bit how this works, I would have thought I had done something horribly wrong. Now I was prepared and more able stay calm and to assign it to him, not me. Maybe this works differently for us, you've been dealing with this for 20 years and I've been dealing with it for 9 months. I'm noticing a shift from him to me which I think is good. Yet I still believe that trying to understand the basics of our pwBPD's behaviour can help tremendously in being able to decide on what is 'their stuff' and what is 'our stuff'.

As you said "baby steps", we want to know more and "get how they think"... . we can't because we are not in their head and even they can't understand everything. Imagine explaining to someone a physics equation when you have no clue what it means.

I have to disagree with you on this one. Again I hear what you're saying, and yes we can't completely understand everything. But we can see things from a (little bit more) objective view than our pwBPD's. In this case he is completely unaware of his triggers while for me it's more easy to see as I'm not overwhelmed by emotions. He talks about recognizing his triggers and if I feel I can give him valuable input I will. I'd never give him advice that he didn't ask for (I'll immediately know when ).

I think some knowledge and understanding of your specific pwBPD traits is important as you need to find out which general traits apply and which ones do not. But you're completely right to signal that it's impossible to understand everything and I'll keep it in mind next time I overanalyze... . however I'd like to keep the possiblity to do it over here

[an0ught]

There are things that help us. It helps us understanding how emotional our SO are and it helps us if we understand how this is linked to what happens to them. We can validate to get a more solid understanding and provide feedback.

There are things that don't help us. Thinking about avoiding triggers which often is turning into avoiding communication. Thinking about what is the result of an emotionally overexcited mind is spending time and effort to see patterns where chaos reigns.

There are things that help us and that don't help us if we do them too much. Over-analyzing every invalidation we make, every odd behavior is turning the focus too much on the SO and away from ourselves.

Thinking matters through is important. But then in the end the doing is what matters. This needs to be in balance to make progress.

[shatra]

Haye wrote

Sometimes he wonders why I love him, and how I have kept loving him despite everything that has happened;

----I can identify. Why do they do that? Is it their splitting themselves as all bad? I always feel insecure, like he is trying to push me away, like he is "all bad" . Is that so for you?

Shatra

[Haye]

----I can identify. Why do they do that? Is it their splitting themselves as all bad? I always feel insecure, like he is trying to push me away, like he is "all bad" . Is that so for you?

If I understand you correctly that's what he used to do. Truly splitting between different, well not personalities but perhaps aspects of one's persona? One side of him - of course the one i met first - was almost too good to be true (extremely helpful, keen listener, extremely thoughtful, not overly doting but taking care of me, my needs in a very quiet, subtle way - and boy how that was addictive!). And the other side. Phew. Intelligent perhaps even more clearly than his sweet, but so cruel and harsh and in a very very subtle way. Seeing the very same people he had been taking care of as uninteresting, stupid, people who are basically begging to be played with and then crushed. I was lucky not to be trashed as badly as many of his other girlfriends/whatevers; with me he'd usually just vanish, simply saying that he needs to go.

Now that he's more in terms with himself having BPD he does see himself in a very very negative light. Remebering and realizing how he's treated a lot of people is not making it easier (you know, breaking hearts and dreams of so many sweet girls, first winning their trust and then dropping them down soo hard). So i do understand why he wonders how come I never stopped loving him - it could have easily have happenend but i seem to have a veeeery sloow heart when it comes to changing whom I love. (i did choose not to be with him, at one point).

... . or was that even what you meant?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

I love you = I need you to love me.

[shatra]

Hi

Haye wrote--

Now that he's more in terms with himself having BPD he does see himself in a very very negative light.

----Yes, I get the feeling that when the pwBPD splits himself as all bad, they wonder how we could posibly love them. They see themselves as all bad, and project their view onto us---assuming we too must see tham as all bad.

   Yet, when he says to me "I don't know why you would even love me. I am so bad" I get anxious, fearing he is trying to leave me, for my own good, since he is so "bad". Which may be my projection onto him----I fear he'll leave me, so if he says "how ccould you love me" I hear and misinterpret it as "I am so bad, how could you love me, I think you should leave me".

Shatra

[woodsposse]

She doesn't think I love her, and it's because she feels worthless herself, therefore when I say I love her, I'm invalidating her feelings of worthlessness.

This is, by far, the most insightful thing I have read about dealing with someone with a PD and how saying something as validating as your feelings for them can be seen as invalidating.

In the past (before I came to this site), my mind would probably go 100 miles per hour trying to explain the rationale side of how my words are actually a very validating form of encouragement (and sharing, of course) and in the process of doing that I have increased the "invalidation".

Hmmmm... . gives me cause to pause and ponder.

Thanks for sharing that!

[LoveLove]

Hello all,

I have read that someone with BPD feels unworthy of love. I remember when my boyfriend and I (currently not speaking as he is going through therapy and has given me the 'no contact' rule) would be very loving through texts/calls... . "I love you's" all of the time... . but then he stopped saying it.

He said he didn't know how to "go back to where we were." So they feel "stuck" and again, feel that they don't deserve to be loved. There is a very DEEP pain - thus, I personally believe we must also be more caring in how we handle how we deal with them.

[LoveLove]

I also wanted to add... . when WE on the other side feel we are being supportive/loving... . I suppose it's coming off as "worse" on their side. I'm having a hard time understanding this... . yet, with their feelings of unworthy for love - there must be another way around it... . another way of showing them that we care/love them? No?

[lemon flower]

I guess the best way of showing them our love/care is by staying with them... .

It doesn't have to be in a r/s, and it doesn't have to be by living together in the same house, but as long as you are willing to stay in their life you make a commitment and that way you show them your love... .

Ofcourse there will be moments when they will not see it as love, probably they will find other explanations, such as; you stay because YOU need sth from them, whether it is sth material or sth emotional, but eventually they will realise that if you stay with them, as awful as they think they are, it is a proof that you must love them after all.

the second aspect of staying in their life is that you maintain the constancy; as long as you're around, you're real, as long as you're real you're part of their life, and they will love you for the role you play in their life... .

Which works, btw, in both ways: as long as my friend stays in my life, being a lover or being a friend, I feel I feed my own love for him, and I admit part of my love for him is about (some of the) roles he plays in my life 

[aeron]

Immediately he starts talking to me in a very childish voice saying "No no no don't say that to me, don't do that." And then he said: "It is too much pressure."

Zinzitar - my upwBPD does not reject "I love you." HOWEVER he similarly changes voices like your bf. Approx. five years ago, he even began saying "I love you" on his own accord. But, it is always delivered as if he's reciting a line from a movie in a totally different, poetic voice sometimes with overly dramatic hand gestures. Either way, changing voices (childish or movie star) appears to be a type of distancing or shielding in order to avoid possible rejection IMHO.