Recycle: she said she loves me. And hugged me. Took me in

[JohnG]

Any advice will be like solace guys.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JohnG]

I just received a call from ex from a private number. Was 4th call since morning from a private number. I took the fourth call.

She asked me How I am?

I acted nonchalant and said good.
I asked how she was. I did not ask or mention   anything to her about her "lover" status.

I told her I am at work. I told her to call me.later tonight.

Please advice why she keeps contacting. Shall i engage or minimally engage or just totally ignore her.

[JohnG]

I can't breath today. I feel no hope.

[patientandclear]

It's understandable that this experience is putting you in a difficult mental and emotional state. Those are very extreme shifts in her feelings and in the situation.

I'd suggest you could really use a break. It's going to be hard to assess all this and what you want to do with such close contact. What would you think about letting her know that you need some time to get your bearings and will be in touch when and if you feel centered enough for it to be a good thing?

[JohnG]

@patientandclear : Thanks
Much Appreciated.

[JohnG]

Many calls from PVT number from ex today. Last night I received an email at 3:00 am. An email containing Funeral Blues Poem by W.H. Auden recorded in her voice. I answered her call today. She said to me she has many Vanilla Lovers in her life. That she does not have a relationship with anyone.

I listened. And I listened. I tore my heart out. Literally.

She said she is going to the BDSM party where she is invited and is going to engage in Public Play.

She also said that she has booked a hotel that night. And that me and her won't talk at the party but that I can come and stay with her at the hotel after the party.

I sit typing this in my car. Still having feelings for her. Being discarded like that. My self esteem keeps hurting.

She said she has many lovers and is happy and wants to be my friend.

I am dumbfounded and confused. Why does she keep ringing and contacting me if she has so many lovers. I have no esteem or pride left. Have i dug my own grave by carrying on interacting with her. I want to cry. But tears are not coming. If I only cried I may feel better.

[JJacks0]

Not sure if my opinion will be of any help to you, but I'd really avoid any contact with her including the party, hotel, etc.

I realize that you have a child together, so when it comes to seeing your son I understand that you'll have to have some contact with her.

But aside from that, I just can't foresee anything good coming from it. The way you've described her behavior it seems like she's just going to hurt you, potentially both mentally and physically.

[patientandclear]

She is being clear on how she wants it to be: she wants the affirmation she gets from lots of sexual partners, and she wants emotional intimacy with you.

That's who she is, for now, and the impulses behind those preferences/choices are probably pretty deep-seated. These choices are dysfunctional ways to protect herself from perceived threats or risks. It's not about rejection, it's her machinery for keeping herself "safe" while still feeling alive, desirable, seeking sensation and a facsimile of intimacy. She is writing you these emotionally fraught things because she likes and wants your emotional connection. That does not come along with other things that, to you and me, would be associated with those feelings (desire for exclusivity).

The question is whether you want that arrangement or whether the upside (continued connection to her) is worth the downside (sounds like this does not match your values and it hurts you).

I think you need time to think about the situation and not react impulsively. You can tell her you heard her and how she wants it to be; her desires don't easily match with how you feel; her other lovers are painful for you; and you need some time to think about what this means. That you'll be in touch if and when things are clearer to you.

I really identify with your situation, John. This is essentially what my ex did with our relationship except he was not open about it and I had to discover it by following my spidey senses to confirm that, while he was doing lovely, intimate things with me that meant so much to me, he was also excitedly exploring a r/ship with someone else. He also seeks approval and validation from multiple women constantly. Both he and I valued our very close relationship and he doesn't like having lost it and I didn't like giving it up. But i couldn't continue it on those terms and he would never (going on three years) talk it through with me so we could find some balance that was OK with us both. It's a bad match, as what he thinks he needs to do to be happy hurts me a lot, and what I need apparently bums him out and feels like giving up on the juice of life or something. The words I just wrote took me months to arrive at and it's still painful. I think you need some time and space to figure out who you are in all this--just try to remember that she is acting this way not as a judgment on your value but because this is how she protects herself from risk of perceived harm.

[Skip]

She is being clear on how she wants it to be: she wants the affirmation she gets from lots of sexual partners, and she wants emotional intimacy with you.

Is it emotional intimacy, or is it validation and adoration?

Note - She was abused sexually by her dad when she was 3 years old.

She said " she wants to be my friend. It triggers her bad when I say - I have said this in the past ( I dont want to be friends when she has so many lovers and sugardaddies. It hurts me terribly to be her freind. She does not like this and she said it triggers her so so bad".

She said " She cant let go of her hate for me. She wants to murder me in two years or five. That she failed to use the court system to annhilate me. That in desperation she ll sort me out herself". That she'll do the deed and pull the trigger".

John, she said a lot to you here. She wants you to make her feel good about herself at the same time that she feels intense hatred toward you.

Put in another way, the "relationship" that you have now is working for her. She likes it this way. She has control. She has power. She has adoration. She has revenge. She has others... .

And in a innocent way, you are validating and rewarding this behavior. You are signaling that it is OK to be treated this way.

You love her. That is clear. Your son is living with her. It's very complicated... .one way or another you are going to be in a relationship with her for 18 years.

You've got to find the strength to get off the roller coaster - not engage in the game.

Why is it that she has such animosity? What did she mean that she didn't annihilate you in court?

[JohnG]

  Skip I met her through BDSM website. Her life was already a train wreck before I met her.

She had four kids with two different dads. Mine is number 5.

Two years into the relation (my baby was 6 months) then. I did a photo shoot (horror fantasy themed). I was getting sick of her love hate. Wanted to do something not involving her.

She thought I was moving on. And started total annihilation game. On BDSM site - Outed me to work - Falsely outed me to customs. Total annihilation - just because I took a stand and did some thing for me.

She took a protection order out on me. I took one out on her due to her annihilation.game. Both were thrown out.

I will give this party and hotel a miss. I don't know how I became so entangled in her life.

[Skip]

I don't know how I became so entangled in her life.

You do. Someone earlier asked, why you don't leave.  The better question is what makes you stay. There is something very powerful that is keeping you in this less than good situation.

What is it? You have to put that on the table here if anyone is going to help you sort this out.

[JohnG]

skip

I have been pondering the same thing... over and over and over again... .

Why am I so entangled.

1. Is it me having son with this woman?

2. Am I trauma bonded to her.

3. Does her beauty fill a huge gap in my life.

4. Is it because she knows how to play chess, is into Poetry, knows my culture and has a great sense of humour?

5. Is it because this person is into kink and bdsm. And because I have had such a highs from playing with her. And also experienced terrible terrible lows.

6. Is this because I want to fix her. Does the narcissist in me wants to compete with her other lovers secretly and prove that I am the best. That I can go to hell and back for her.

7. Is this because I was recently diagnosed with herpes. And highly likely my ex was the cause. My self esteem is in tatters. Does I illogicaly think that only this woman, my ex will accept me. That the pieces she throws my way are my fate.


I was never this bad. I am an ambitious person with a thirst for life and a desire to excel.

But it feels like I am livin in a very very very bad trance state. She occupies 90 percent of my conscious thoughts.

This past year has been a real hell hole.

Still I managed to find part time work. Still I.managed to finish my studies to become  a Personal Trainer. I was working at only 5 - 10 % of my capability. What wonders can I achieve i I was workin at 40or 50 percent.


7. Is it because I am so much invested in her.

8. Is it because I am scared of the unknown?

9. Is it because I am in a P**** Trance.?


This is hell. My brain is not mine anymore. My focus is not mine.


skip thanks for editing my post.


Regards,
With a heavy heart
J

[JohnG]

I went to see my son again today. I had a brief encounter with her. She keeps on telling me how wonderful her new lovers are and how well they treat her.

I just tears me to pieces.
I have decided to embrace the unknown. I 'll only contact her to see my son. This being her friend bull___ will damage my soul.


In the morning I picked my son from her home. In the evening she came to pick him from the park.

I was talking to the female at the park who was their with her kids.

My ex became instanly jealous and said to me how I am.always chattin up mommies (). And looked upset for a fraction of second.

I do not know if this was an act. Or if she really felt jealous. She recovered quickly. It was in her face only.for a fraction o a second.

I have decided not to be her friend... another hard day today.

[JohnG]

I went to see my son Yesterday. I stayed with my ex. We had sex.

She kept on bringing the upcoming party. My ex said to me I give her no recognition on my BDSM profile. And she feels rejected.

She asked me to make a big write up on my profile How much I love her. Tell the entire BDSM community that I love only her.

Note: Remember she slandered me bad  on that website with big write ups about how evil I was.

I said to her see is associated with about four lovers on her profile. My profile still says I am single... .

I said to her "Why can't we both make a write up on our profiles that we are aiming to work things out" I said how about we go to the BDSM party hand in hand.

She declined. She said no. She said I should go seek her out at the party. That I should bring her flower's in front of everybody. She said to me time is running out to make that write up on BDSM profile to let every one know how much I love her.

She said if I did not.make that write up then she 'll.never see me again. That I can meet my son once a month at a park or something.

I have no intention to go to the party. I have no intention of making a write up on the bdsm.profile.

She does not want to meet me in the middle. She is exerting control. She wants to.keep associated to all her three lovers on her profile while wants me confess my love for her infront of everybody.

I am feeling manipulated.

What is your opinion guys? I want to make things work between us. But she keeps on demanding and expects me to bend on backwards. More castration...


She also said the murder thing again. She.said her liver cancer is returning. She said if she found out she is terminally ill then first thing she'll do is to kill me.


Please help. 

[flourdust]

So, you went back, had sex with her again, she talked about the party again, she threatens to kill you again, you're freaked out again?

This is almost a word-for-word reenactment of how this thread started a week ago, which led you to spend a week as a wreck.

She may be stuck in a cycle, but you don't have to be. You can choose not to have sex with her, not to talk to her about anything other than your kid, not to listen to her threats and promises. This is all on you.

[Skip]

I have been pondering the same thing... over and over and over again... .

John - you are like a cat chasing a laser light right now - she is not going to respect you for this.

You need to get yourself back.

[JohnG]

@flourdust and skip

Many thanks :

How can I win her respect back?
Shall I follow the following steps?

1. No sex
2. Minimal contact regarding my son.
3. No engaging with her on social media.

Wont me doing all this distance her from me. Won't she found someone else. I despeately need to.win her respect back.

How can I do that? Please let me know what boundaries I need to set? I dont want her to feel rejected. I want her to respect me. As a father, as a lover.

The only time i cried in front of her was months back when I broke down and cried and said I wan't to be a superhero to my son.

I need to win respect in her eyes. And in my own eyes. She want me to validate her in bdsm community while she has left no stone unturned to absolutely annhilate me.

Please guide me what boundaries to set so that she does no feel rejected and distance her self from me even further.
Respectfully Yours,
J

[patientandclear]

I'm afraid that desperately wanting someone to regain respect for you is a contradiction in terms.

Treating yourself with respect is the first step. If you use a lens of testing all possibilities against self-respect, are there approaches, actions, choices you can rule out? Not going to the party, not participating in her public drama script of you pursuing her in front of everyone, not going to the hotel after she flirts with others, all those sounded like self respecting choices. Why is the guy who framed those positions having sex with her when you stop over to see your kid?

If you respect yourself, her view may or may not shift. You need to act consistently with your values and let her reaction take care of itself, including whether she respects you. Doing things specifically to get to respect you is sort of manipulative, and seems fated to fail anyway.

[JohnG]

Yes me having sex with her was not consistent with the values.

I am going to stick to the plan.

No party
No participating in her script of bringing her flowers.
No seeing her at hotel
No sex
Minimal contact regarding.son.

Let's us see if I earn some ret4spect for myself in my eyes and her eyes doing this.

[JohnG]

@Skip and @Patient&Clear: Thanks for such wonderful sugestions.

Ex disappears for weeks. Then comes back. And I am always ready at her beck and call.
Just consuming the pieces of affection that she throws my way. This time it 's just been humiliating with telling me.over.and.over she has wonderful lovers.

This has to stop. My interactions with her leave me in a darker place. They do not uplift me.

She smiled and told me.two days ago that "I.am the only one who.cares" That she know how to push my buttons and get a reaction. It's time.to make a stand.regardless of.what.she.does...

[JohnG]

Feeling sad today. controlling myself to stay busy and not to go to the party.
I want today to be over.

[JohnG]

Update : I went to the BDSM party last night. She was there. I stayed away from her. I stayed away from her in the centre of the party. She stayed away outside on the fringes  of the party. It was not easy. Lots of self control. But I maintained my dignity.

[JohnG]

I feel good to overcome my fear and go. And not to dance according to her wishes. The host of the party said ex wanted to bring a bf. And was refused. As the host did not knew him. And that host was loyal to me. It was awesome to face my fear and go... .

[Skip]

The host of the party said ex wanted to bring a bf.

Well, now you know you know what she was trying to set up... .you bringing flowers and making a public apology... .

Let me shift gears - do you want to have an ongoing relationship with your son? I noticed that "not seeing him as much" was part of your plan to get strong.

Honestly, if she locks in on the humiliation game with you, will you walk from it all?

[JohnG]

@skip : yes the host said she wanted to bring a steroid fuelled body builder. The host politely refused. As the guy was known to the host.

It was hard. I held my head high. I stayed strong. Not even eye contact with her. No roses. No approaching her. She mostly stayed outside where the smokers were.

It was good to face my fears and go to this once an year party and feel accepted.

This morning I received two calls from her "private number" asking how I am...

I cut them both... .

@skip: too win that respect... .I am willing to walk away from my son for now...

No more humiliation. I have been humiliated enough... .

[Skip]

too win that respect... .I am willing to walk away from my son for now...

Can you open a thread on co-parenting to talk about this? Work through your feelings there.

[JohnG]

Another call just now from a brand new number.
Unfortunately I took it. Asking me "How was last night"? How Am I? I said "good". And cut it short. Four calls so far from her?

[JohnG]

@skip : Yes I will

[drained1996]

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