Advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

I figured I should move anything about my relationship to this forum as I think (or want to believe) I've been recycled^^ You can find my first post here.

Anyways I just had a rather confusing call (once again), one of those she flipped instantly from good to yelling in a matter of seconds.
I'm trying to trace back where I got thrown off, so here's our conversation (remarks in brackets);

me: (pickup) Hey~~
gf: hello.
me: have you slept well?
gf: ay I've slept well ^^
me: what are you up to?
gf: I just am (usually that means she's resting)
me: me too. just resting doing nothing
gf: ugh. I wanna rest
me: oic. thought you were resting~~ what's that sound in the background... .? you're in bus?
gf: how could you know?
me: I can hear well, you <couple name> ^^
gf: oh I'm dizzy again because of bus
me: told you to chew some gum if that happens (she's got some in ear problem, clogged eustachian tube or something)
gf: oh there's a small park at xyz (random subject change...  )
me: so where are you headed to?
gf: you don't need to know
me: uh okay, would it be bad if I knew?
gf: very bad
me: I don't understand... .what would be bad? ( trigger  )
gf: (yelling all of a sudden) I have stress now. Very stressed. Why do I have to tell you where I am going?
me: you don't have to of course. maybe I just have to worry, if you tell me it was bad if I knew...
gf: ah so annoying. stress.  I'm hanging up!
me: (puzzled) um don't hang up on me please...
*hang up*

- I took one or two minutes to reorder my thought train shes derailed, and ring back -
me: yo. I said don't hang up on me please.
gf: (still yelling) I can't be calm *hang up*

okay so I write her by messenger trying to use SET
me: I understand if you got stress when I ask what you are doing (S)
me: I also would have stress if I didn't want to tell (E)
me: I just wanted to say that we don't need to have secrets. (T) I'm sorry if that stressed you.
me: you know sometimes it's good to speak about it if you got stress ^^
me: if I can help you I always love to.
me: and please don't think you did anything wrong (in case she's loathing herself later) - I can tell you later, why I feel bad if you can't tell me (I'm putting up with everything as much as I can until her special/big event took place - which is also why she's so stressed out for the last 3 months)
me: okay
me: so I'm sorry

- 30 mins silence, then she's starting to lash out -

gf: I hate telling you what I'm doing. If I hate it, why should I tell you?
gf: I receive stress
gf: It doesn't matter if you know what I am doing
gf: If I want to tell you, I will tell you... but if I don't want to tell you I don't
gf: I'm tired of being stressed out and I have to tell you what I am doing? I very much hate it
gf: It makes me so much more feeling tired
gf: That means you want to bother me
gf: You want to help me?
me: ye... .
me: I'm sorry. Please don't worry.
gf: If you want to help me, don't ask me where I am! (although she always did/does/will ask me the very same)
me: yeah. no problem (re-S)
me: I understand you (re-validating / E)
gf: I'm getting stress because of you, with what are you helping me? (okay gf clearly wants to pick a fight)
gf: Even if it were not for you, I'm very tired so please don't bother me.
gf: If you don't want to help me, don't bother me either
gf: I'm getting a lot ot stress
me: So if I want to help you (to move on), I shouldn't talk to you, now. Is that right? ^^
me: I don't wanna bother you, you know yourself (she is who called in first place)
gf: No, if you wanna give me loads of stress, if you wanted to help me, you should not have asked
me: okay
gf: And you said you wanted to help me
gf: This wasn't just one or two times. Oh so boring!
gf: 2 years you repeated the same boring... .(rant rant rant)
gf: I can't believe you said you wanted to help me but say I hurt you if I don't want to tell you (twisting reality)
me: it's not a problem to me
gf: it is a problem!
gf: I got a lot of stress now (because of you)
me: if you don't want to tell me, don't tell me
gf: yes, now you write that
gf: a while ago you said something else
me: I can understand after 2 years (because she shows BPD traits)
gf: You have already given me stress
gf: No, you aren't my husband too (well, we're engaged)
me: I'm sorry
me: I shouldn't have done that (giving stress)
gf: yeah now you write that
gf: after I received the stress
gf: and I've been through this too much (indicating new split?)
me: I'm sorry <couple name>
gf: I don't believe you
gf: as long as I meet you, you keep telling the same and I get stress
gf: I've had enough of you
gf: even if you say "I'm sorry" (rage rage rage)
gf: this happened too many times
gf: if you can say "I see"... "I see" that means you can't talk to me... (twisting some more) this talk is also bothering me
gf: "I don't understand" is what you said, YOU
gf: that's what stresses me. this is for you, not for me
me: yes. that's something different
gf: you excuse it with being my bf (what the... ?)
me: I understand you, that you have a lot of stress
gf: yeah. you're just a boyfriend, nothing more (devaluing me)
gf: you can't change me
gf: and if you are my husband you have no authority to do that (change)
gf: I'm not saying this because of stress (twist twist)
gf: I have no obligation to tell you anything
gf: so don't try to detain me by saying you're my bf (did I?)
gf: boyfriend is just a friend
me: because I love you, I believe in you
gf: if you give me stress, that's not love
me: I didn't want to give you stress, you know that too. The contrary
gf: you already gave me!
gf: I see you can't know what I'm talking about
me: I sure do know, that you can believe me
me: I said I am not going to talk about it again
me: I also have feelings, you know (guess what insecurities I have to deal with if she tells me she wants to break up before splitting, what is she up to living in a 300km remote town which is bad for me to know?)
me: I can understand very well. sure do
me: and I said I'm sorry

After writing all down I can see it was me sort of JADEing about why she can't tell what is so "bad".
We had this kind of conversation so many times I sometime wish I could just run away... but then she would blame me later like "ah you don't want to hear" and splits even worse. Been there, tried that.
I have to avoid telling her about my feelings, even though she at any times feels entitled to do whenever she wants, I'm not.
Any advice is welcome.

[Gumiho]

I figured I should move anything about my relationship to this forum as I think (or want to believe) I've been recycled^^ You can find my first post here.

Anyways I just had a rather confusing call (once again), one of those she flipped instantly from good to yelling in a matter of seconds.
I'm trying to trace back where I got thrown off, so here's our conversation (remarks in brackets);

me: (pickup) Hey~~
gf: hello.
me: have you slept well?
gf: ay I've slept well ^^
me: what are you up to?
gf: I just am (usually that means she's resting)
me: me too. just resting doing nothing
gf: ugh. I wanna rest
me: oic. thought you were resting~~ what's that sound in the background... .? you're in bus?
gf: how could you know?
me: I can hear well, you <couple name> ^^
gf: oh I'm dizzy again because of bus
me: told you to chew some gum if that happens (she's got some in ear problem, clogged eustachian tube or something)
gf: oh there's a small park at xyz (random subject change...  )
me: so where are you headed to?
gf: you don't need to know
me: uh okay, would it be bad if I knew?
gf: very bad
me: I don't understand... .what would be bad? ( trigger  )
gf: (yelling all of a sudden) I have stress now. Very stressed. Why do I have to tell you where I am going?
me: you don't have to of course. maybe I just have to worry, if you tell me it was bad if I knew...
gf: ah so annoying. stress.  I'm hanging up!
me: (puzzled) um don't hang up on me please...
*hang up*

- I took one or two minutes to reorder my thought train shes derailed, and ring back -
me: yo. I said don't hang up on me please.
gf: (still yelling) I can't be calm *hang up*

okay so I write her by messenger trying to use SET
me: I understand if you got stress when I ask what you are doing (S)
me: I also would have stress if I didn't want to tell (E)
me: I just wanted to say that we don't need to have secrets. (T) I'm sorry if that stressed you.
me: you know sometimes it's good to speak about it if you got stress ^^
me: if I can help you I always love to.
me: and please don't think you did anything wrong (in case she's loathing herself later) - I can tell you later, why I feel bad if you can't tell me (I'm putting up with everything as much as I can until her special/big event took place - which is also why she's so stressed out for the last 3 months)
me: okay
me: so I'm sorry

- 30 mins silence, then she's starting to lash out -

gf: I hate telling you what I'm doing. If I hate it, why should I tell you?
gf: I receive stress
gf: It doesn't matter if you know what I am doing
gf: If I want to tell you, I will tell you... but if I don't want to tell you I don't
gf: I'm tired of being stressed out and I have to tell you what I am doing? I very much hate it
gf: It makes me so much more feeling tired
gf: That means you want to bother me
gf: You want to help me?
me: ye... .
me: I'm sorry. Please don't worry.
gf: If you want to help me, don't ask me where I am! (although she always did/does/will ask me the very same)
me: yeah. no problem (re-S)
me: I understand you (re-validating / E)
gf: I'm getting stress because of you, with what are you helping me? (okay gf clearly wants to pick a fight)
gf: Even if it were not for you, I'm very tired so please don't bother me.
gf: If you don't want to help me, don't bother me either
gf: I'm getting a lot ot stress
me: So if I want to help you (to move on), I shouldn't talk to you, now. Is that right? ^^
me: I don't wanna bother you, you know yourself (she is who called in first place)
gf: No, if you wanna give me loads of stress, if you wanted to help me, you should not have asked
me: okay
gf: And you said you wanted to help me
gf: This wasn't just one or two times. Oh so boring!
gf: 2 years you repeated the same boring... .(rant rant rant)
gf: I can't believe you said you wanted to help me but say I hurt you if I don't want to tell you (twisting reality)
me: it's not a problem to me
gf: it is a problem!
gf: I got a lot of stress now (because of you)
me: if you don't want to tell me, don't tell me
gf: yes, now you write that
gf: a while ago you said something else
me: I can understand after 2 years (because she shows BPD traits)
gf: You have already given me stress
gf: No, you aren't my husband too (well, we're engaged)
me: I'm sorry
me: I shouldn't have done that (giving stress)
gf: yeah now you write that
gf: after I received the stress
gf: and I've been through this too much (indicating new split?)
me: I'm sorry <couple name>
gf: I don't believe you
gf: as long as I meet you, you keep telling the same and I get stress
gf: I've had enough of you
gf: even if you say "I'm sorry" (rage rage rage)
gf: this happened too many times
gf: if you can say "I see"... "I see" that means you can't talk to me... (twisting some more) this talk is also bothering me
gf: "I don't understand" is what you said, YOU
gf: that's what stresses me. this is for you, not for me
me: yes. that's something different
gf: you excuse it with being my bf (what the... ?)
me: I understand you, that you have a lot of stress
gf: yeah. you're just a boyfriend, nothing more (devaluing me)
gf: you can't change me
gf: and if you are my husband you have no authority to do that (change)
gf: I'm not saying this because of stress (twist twist)
gf: I have no obligation to tell you anything
gf: so don't try to detain me by saying you're my bf (did I?)
gf: boyfriend is just a friend
me: because I love you, I believe in you
gf: if you give me stress, that's not love
me: I didn't want to give you stress, you know that too. The contrary
gf: you already gave me!
gf: I see you can't know what I'm talking about
me: I sure do know, that you can believe me
me: I said I am not going to talk about it again
me: I also have feelings, you know (guess what insecurities I have to deal with if she tells me she wants to break up before splitting, what is she up to living in a 300km remote town which is bad for me to know?)
me: I can understand very well. sure do
me: and I said I'm sorry

After writing all down I can see it was me sort of JADEing about why she can't tell what is so "bad".
We had this kind of conversation so many times I sometime wish I could just run away... but then she would blame me later like "ah you don't want to hear" and splits even worse. Been there, tried that.
I have to avoid telling her about my feelings, even though she at any times feels entitled to do whenever she wants, I'm not.
Any advice is welcome.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gumiho]

In my experience, if gf snaps into her thing, no matter what I say, it won't reach her. If it reaches, it becomes modulated/twisted and reprogrammed to her own suit, which then is usually used for further gaslighting... .

So I really wonder how to shake her out of the "hate-pit" faster as I well was able to do when we still lived 10 minutes apart. What I noticed too and read in so many other stories, those episode worsen over time. Likewise in our example, both frequency and intensity. (I've started to think this connected to the closeness she feels, the more we go towards stage 2 of our relationship she shuts off and blocks with this kind of behavior. Trying to protect herself in a distorted way?). Even though we managed not to fight in about 3 weeks, it happened again because of one misstep.
Even though I wouldn't classify this as a fight per se. I'd explain it with her flipping back into idealization phase and feeling betrayed by my unhappiness about her statement (about what is so bad, even if that was most likely supposed to be one of her sarcastic jokes) thus flipping back to devaluation state?
That's so... oh hi FOG~! >.<

[Zoaron]

Wow... .That whole conversation I'm so familiar with.  It seems to mirror everything I've been going through with my gf.  I feel for you man.   I am currently being given the silent treatment since yesterday morning and she told me that she wished she never met me.  But now I'm sitting here waiting for her to pull me back, and if it goes the same as other times, I should get a text message from her sometime tomorrow.  At least, I hope I'll get one.  I miss her so much.

Now that I've been learning more on BPD, my heart and mind are better prepared for what's to come and what to expect now.  It still hurts, but it makes it more bearable and gives my patience some strength to stay strong.  Be strong with me.

[Gumiho]

Zoaron ~ I feel ya
The issue well escalated. Despite me knowing how to react, I fell into the old pattern of trying to defend myself. It's so hard man >_<
Seemingly like you pull out your pinky toe for her, she wants the whole foot, and once you pull out your foot she wants the whole leg and so on... .
Zoaron bro, hang in there~ and be prepared for it to never change, unless "they" agree to something is wrong with em.

I'm so jealous of the people who got an insightful pwBPD. Mine isn't at all, instead she recently just blamed me for being mentally ill (misprojection). And to be honest idk how to deal with this anymore, she crossed my boundary and blocked me again... I walked 5 bus stations from home to find an unblocked telephone cell (yea we have a history of me trying to fix things while shes in lockup mode).
I'll post the rest of our convo later. -_-

[Gumiho]

Kay here is a followup~ (I'm being devalued again)

- messenger log -

me: ya~ busy?

- 30 mins later -

me: hello?

- 30 mins later - (I hate it if she deliberately ignores me, knowing she instantly replies to anyone else no matter how busy she is)

- messages read, albeit no reply -

me: if you're busy, try to let me know
me: if you don't want to talk, try to let me know (I am expected to mindread always, even if over phone line and 300km away)
me: just give me an answer.
gf: you're really... annoying me, I see
gf: you're really stressing me out
me: argh
me: I'm sorry ㅠㅠ
me: you could just say "busy" -  only 4 characters, and I would be fine
gf: this is a problem. a very very big problem (still tryin to pick a fight)
me: what is... .? (a problem)
gf: there's no use in talking to me. very (muchly so)
gf: you can't understand me
gf: too much; too much
me: I just wanted to confirm (usually 5~10 seconds call... we often do - still unblocked - though she hung up/didn't pick up)
me: what's "too much; too much?"
gf: *sends screenshot of recent conversation*
gf: "try to let me know"
gf: "just answer"
me: hey~~~
gf: again
gf: again... .always... .
gf: always
gf: ALWAYS!
me: you can't reply~ ^^
gf: STOP
gf: please
me: please don't fight (we've had too many of those args)
me: <couple name> (something like dummy)
gf: don't
gf: don't start even more (to fight)
gf: always, again and again.
gf: do I have to answer?
gf: why?
gf: don't write again

- 2 hours later -

me: (resigning) you don't have to reply (white flag)
me: when you stopped painting me black please reply
me: I beg you
gf: I see it's a mental illness, you still don't get it?
gf: you still go on?
gf: do you want to break up? (gas burns so well)
me: "you still don't get it", why would you assume that?
me: I already told you 6 hours ago
me: do you really have to paint me black? (trying to reason)
me: until when exactly do you have to paint me black? (obviously she still can't move on)
me: do you think you were right? (I snapped)
me: I said I am sorry. If you can't stop it don't contact me
me: don't paint me in black!
me: if you apologized for once, that would be great
me: I can't even ask my own girlfriend (without her going into volcano mode)
me: if you want to pick a fight, don't talk to me (it was her first calling me)
me: it's really this easy. we don't need to fight
me: if you think you need to attack me some more; go for it

- 5 minutes later -

me: your anger attacks are really from a different world
me: and I know exactly why
me: do you get it?
me: so stop it...

- 10 minutes later (I'm peed' obviously) -

me: "do you want to break up" (you said) what did you do during the last 3 months? (her last major split) - certainly I have to tell you?
me: you really made my day
me: your exaggerated anger outbursts are a mental illness ... you know that full well... stop to direct them at me please

- I tried calling again (no reply/hung up), 10 minutes later -

me: why am I still writing? so you maybe talk to me? what do you think?
me: what happened today so that you have to paint me black? why?
me: it's already late night... how much longer will you keep this up?

- 10 minutes later (she read, but no reply) -

me: HELLO?
me: (sarcastic) did you already create enough wrong assumptions to justify your black painting?
me: it's almost midnight
me: could you maybe finally pick up the phone please?

- 30 minutes later -

me: I see you have to keep painting me black ㅠㅠ

- 10 minutes later (she kept reading but no reply) -

me: do you know how I feel about our relationship?
me: it's all about you, I honestly think so
me: so once you stopped painting me black, please contact me. - today it's too late

- 5 minutes later -

me: just don't forget. it's your behavior. your behavior. 98% You're the noat wonderful person to me, 2%... wow!
me: think about what you said. If you told me or not (what you're doing). My girlfriend needs to have a secret. Just be careful not to get caught. But know that I can't believe you like this (me creating a condition -_-)
me: even yourself told me trust is one of the bases of a relationship (I'm ready to give up again)
me: anyways good night, like this

- 30 minutes later (I could not sleep)

me: and please think about your words; "do you want to break up?". Those are your own words. Think about it well. What do you want (our relationship to be)? If I tell my girlfriend how I feel you get stressed out? I was "bothering" you, you said. And I said I am crazy sorry, but that wasn't enough for you.
me: I'm going crazy
me: aren't you tired of this behavior? (snapping about peas and making them into an elephant)
me: I ate up everything for your special event (I said nothing for almost 4 months) and one little slip up breaks the deal to you?
me: thank you
me: really, for almost 4 months (her splitting; no affection, no hugs, no kisses and literally almost no touching) you told me you're 50/50 about us and you wanted to break up? So if you tell me it's a bad thing if I knew where you go, what do I have to think, honestly? You're gonna meet another man, like you always threatened me with? Do you seriously think I will be happy about this? Really, your anger attacks are a mental illness ( ). I can help you. But you have to paint me black. 'you don't trust me' you said... .wow
me: really, wow
me: I have 100 more things to complain about, but I shut up for your special event.
me: really... your behavior... wow
me: wow

- I finally slept -

[Gumiho]

- chat log (continuation, 10 hours later) -


- last couple of messages still unread -

me: ya (hey in korean, well yeah translating all)

- 3 hours later (I slept some more) -

gf: okay got it, "your" behavior
gf: just look at what you wrote
gf: I cannot believe you
gf: my patience ends here

- 10 minutes later (I woke up from messenger bells) -

me: patience ... .
me: hahahahahahahah
me: after your immediate anger outburst?
me: patience?
me: after ignoring me for 24 hours you're saing "patience"?
me: so when your "patience" stops, you have to block my number (yeah she blocked me again *hurray*)
me: see what I wrote... .see what you wrote!
me: from the start on you wanted to fight (she hates if I say that... .couldn't help it)
me: isn't it. huh?
me: your anger outbursts are "patience" now?
me: you just can't drop it... .but "patience", sorry? you still want to fight, "patience", you still ignore me, that's "patience", hello?
me: for 4 months (of splitting), I ate 100 bad behaviors and you say "patience" (in front of me)?
gf: I see, you still complain
gf: I see, you still want to fight
gf: I can't do anything
gf: farewell
me: "you can't do anything"? how about picking up the phone, silly?
me: you think it's alright to paint me black if I ask you where you're going to? (I honestly only asked her to keep the conversation rolling)
me: please answer that. just that
me: (realizing) you've blocked my phone again (about 52 times in 52 weeks)
me: "look at what you wrote"? of course I have to write if you ignore me. Look at what you wrote!
me: I asked you where you're headed and you exploded
me: and after your special event ended you will blame me for stressing you out, I well predict (happened before)
me: what I know full well is that I can't accept your phone blocking (boundary reinforcement)
me: do you remember what I told you what will happen if you block my number again?
me: let me answer your questions (those may or may not become new boundaries in future):
• when I ask you what you're doing, you don't have to answer, as I told you always (ofc don't go ballistic either)
• if I ask you something on messenger, you don't have to reply (very annoying, though as usual, she stopped almost instant replies about a year ago after a long past split, to my great mourning)
• when I try calling you 1~100 times, do you have to answer? Yes you do, when you have time (blocking boundary reinforcment consequence)
• may you block me? no you may not

I will write you the rest after your special event. There are many things I ate down for you.

oh yes! don't forget... it's your behavior. your behavior.



Seriously way to make me feel like crap.

[Gumiho]

Seriously, of course I wouldn't mind some counselling for myself to resolve my own CODA or whatever it is. (I don't have money for that). But I am a nearly 40yr old undergrad, facing a possible expulsion to cry out loud. Because I struggle to deal with my beloveds character everytime around midterms and finals... a little more stress on my part made the whole thing explode right into my face, with gf and me. For 2 years. I'm foreign student in a remote country I grew so much to I don't want to leave anymore ㅠㅠ
I seriously have no idea how to put up with all this anymore. I love my gf more than anything and I have to deal with this somehow.

what an ordeal

[toomanydogs]

I'm married to a man with probable borderline, and the chats you've transcribed are exactly what I used to get involved in.

What I've learned--and everyone's different and you may learn to do something different--is to say very cheerfully, "okay. talk later." And then either I hang up, stop texting, or leave wherever we are.

I know that some advise validating how the BPD is feeling. I can't do that with my husband because it causes him to escalate, so I have to disengage, and the only way I know how to do that is to stay cheerful on the outside, and tell him, okay, I'll talk with him later. I usually actually say, "Okay, honey. You seem upset. Remember I love you. I'll check in later."

So maybe I am validating how he's feeling.

Good luck!

[lostandconfused6]

That conversation is literally my life in a nutshell half the time i can ask him anything the other half i'm annoying and needy and clingy he can call and text me 1000 times a day if i do it all hell will break loose and i need to stop texting him because the noise his phone makes gives him a head ache.

I have recently started reading i hate you dont leave me and the SET approach has worked 90% of the time but there is till that 10% of unpredictable moodiness and heaven forbid i catch him in a lie. I literally go from making him cry because i care about him so much to 5 min later being the scum of the earth. It's like it doesnt matter at all what i think or want when hes in a BPD breakdown and the back and forth is what kills me. I'm hoping he will start therapy soon.

[Zoaron]

Yeah.  That all looks too familiar.  I'm no expert as I'm learning more everyday.  But I've always never pushed trying to talk with my gf after an argument from a trigger.  She always seems to return after trigger emotions were done.  Sometimes that rage from the trigger can last a day or two from my experience.  Another suggestion is to not talk about anything regarding BPD during the rage.  For my gf, it always made her go off even more, so talking about being painted black may be regarded as referring to the terminology in BPD. Sometimes its good to just tell them that you'll always be there for them, and to step back and let the rage and emotions go their course until things settle down again.  And hopefully, she'll be the first to message you once it's done.  I hope things settle out for you.  I know it hurts, but sometimes to diffuse things, you need to take your own emotions out of the picture.  Easier said than done, cause I'm still working on it myself.  And I'm still waiting for that first message from her when she pulls.  There's a special day come very soon and I don't want the first message between us after the rage to be wishing her tidings on that special day.

Be strong.  Strong for love.  Strong for her.

BPD should mean "Be Patient & Devoted" cause I know that's what I try to be for her.

[Gumiho]

Thanks for the advices. ㅜㅜ
I'm working on removing myself after a trigger happened. Though it's a real chore sometimes if she keeps throwing unfair tantrums after me nonstop. At some points I used airplane mode to read her messages without her knowing I read them to deescalate conflicts, though that has little use if I cave in later and enact on her gaslighting, I reckon.
The problem is that she knows me so well when she intentionally (or not) knows how to push the wrong buttons to keep me arguing. That's where I need to shut off my own emotions, I've been working on that for nearly 2 years. It's really easy to say, but so hard to act upon. Because everything my SO says goes straight to heart, even if I know she's just raging.
How to give some less access to yourself if you love her above anything? I'm learning. I failed so much before I knew about BPD, and I still do.
As mentioned my gf seems to be triggered by using some of the advice about how to deescalate conflicts too.
I guess it boils down to every pwBPD having individual weapons that sure can be disarmed, but you have to know if it's a dagger or a grenade pointed at you.

Agh. so complicated ._.

[Gumiho]

Actually I'm at a loss.
My gf's special event is taking place tomorrow noon. She didn't feel like she needs to invite me up to now, nor tell me anything about it. I had to find out by google.
I never mentioned it (that I know) to her and she deliberately made a secret about it. Most likely she started this fight about the event.
I don't know how I can reward that behavior... I've supported her over the course of almost 4 months and thats her thanks.
I already talked to her elder sister and know she invited anybody else but me.
What should I say if she fails to invite me until the end?
"I know you had a lot of stress lately in preparation to your special event. I also would have been crazy nervous about it. But you couldn't manage to invite your own boyfriend to your event, that broke our deal. Get lost" ... .Im so furious seriously.

Should I make her aware of that it's unacceptable not to invite her own bf before the event?

I honestly don't know

[Gumiho]

Update: My phone number is still blocked... .about an hour later she rung back (for 2 minutes).
She sounded tired (probably non-stop preparing for her event) and completely off the roll.
I tried to sound cheerful (despite me being upset, disappointed and sad about the recent development).
I asked if she got a lot of stress - she obviously does. She then told me she's very stressed out.
I told her if only I could take all her stress away and swallow it down! She quickly said "you don't have to, anyways I'm hanging up I need to practice".

Wow~ typical empty shell mode.

I'm not even sure if she realizes what she did, if she won't invite me. Probably not, or she would have invited me.
So I can imagine her calling tomorrow night after the event ended and I explode skyhigh if I can't keep it together. Likewise I know the outcome if she feels attacked or criticized in any way she's going ballistic, and (to me) feels like reprimanding a cat who stole a fish from the table. Pretty useless to do so if she doesn't know what she did.

Kind of a loose-loose situation... ugh. I should expect the worstcase scenario. Depressing. She probably still doesn't even know that I'm aware of when her special event is. Or maybe she just plays that (naive helpless mode)... Sucks~

[Gumiho]

Update D-Day;

Gf failed to invite me. For all the things I've gone through the past 4 months, the help and time invested to keep her calm, her splitting and the nice things she uttered, I have a very very hard time to feel anymore compassion.
My trust in her is gone. Completely.
I am utterly disappointed, feel betrayed and abandoned for all the heartblood poured in, to get this in return.
I don't know if conveying this to her is the right thing to do. I'm trembling hard from fury, so not saying anything would be the wrong thing to do either, it would be lying to myself. I already accidentially "lashed out" at her older sister by saying that I've dealt with a demon of behavior for the past 4 months. I've grabbed gf's couple pajamas and washed them to stow them away or return them later, as if somebody hit the discard button on a remote control.

Torn apart, from rock bottom
구미호

[Zoaron]

Dude... .I feel your pain.  I don't know if you've been keeping up-to-date in my thread or not, but it seems we're both going through some things that are out of our control.  I do hope things are able to settle out for you. 

[Gumiho]

I don't know if you've been keeping up-to-date in my thread or not ... .

Sure do~

Seriously I don't know what to do. I'm in living hell while she's most likely having a blast somewhere else, (feigning ignorance?) as if nothing happened. She often said "I'm an angel~!" right after getting back together, even though I explained her from a 1000 viewpoints that it's her behavior causing the whole thing to blow up everytime (of course mine as well, and I always felt obliged to say sorry, tho she never did).
She did, does and will make me responsible always. Even though she sometimes acknowledged that it needs two people for a fight. That's basically the only insight she ever came to.
This time too, if I tell her I'm disappointed, she will just brush it off saying "well it's your fault, you made it that way" (claiming that I attacked her first). She -NEVER- started a fight ㅠㅠ

I'm at my wits end.

[Gumiho]

D-Day + 1
gf's big concert is over.
As a measure of self protection I have decided to "let go". Although I struggle with that decision as well. I however will find a way to hold her accountable for her actions, should she ever reach out.
I stopped trying to call/reach out on D-1 since she decided to block me (all she sees is a block notification on her phone if I called), I sent a text saying "tonight, fighting~!" I have no idea if she got it though. I'm still in silent treatment.
Now that she *should* have some more time for herself maybe she thinks a little of what she did to me, or fabricate reasons to justify my abandonment. We can never know.

So here I am, waiting in pain  (mr knight in shiny silver armor doesn't haste for rescue suddenly, what happen?)
Gonna stalk an unresponsive professor today, for whose reply I've been waiting for more than 2 weeks. Better than sulking at home.

[Gumiho]

 Coming to think of that I repeatedly whined to gf that I need to get good grades or I might end up getting expelled from university which (as previously mentioned) would have meant visa status revocation. In other words, it means a lot to me. The end of my life with infinite prospects in the country where I chose to build my future at.
 Now reflecting, I remember gf saying "oh really?" every time I mentioned this subject, and how she never seemed to be hookable to discuss about what I could do if the worst case scenario entered... .I can't remember when exactly, during a half-assed recycle of our r/s about two months ago (after my repeatedly messed up midterms), when I mentioned above subject, she was suddenly like "ah! I see~~~ so you want to say I am the reason for your mess-ups?" (in her trigger-imminent-scary-undertone), as if she finally latched on the issue. (the wrong way as usual, but atleast she responded -.-;; )
 So I quickly defused saying something like "no, because of my inability to concentrate after our frequent fights, devastated because of the break-ups" (I havent learnt about BPD back then). No wonder now, why I often had the feeling she's somewhere distant in her own world! The talking-to-a-wall-feeling.
 Then, during our most recent r/s recycle I mentioned my situation again, because I increasedly felt anxious about the impact from finals, and gf is like "really, you got two academic warnings already?" (again). In retrospective, along with what I've learned about BPD, I wonder how many times that happened unnoticed over the course of our r/s. What actually interested her enough to crawl out from under the bushes and register, opposed to her seahorse-alien-like attention span (let's call that spaced-outness)... .I think it might be completely random, uncontrolled and when she's not engrossed in her spaced outness. As previously mentioned, gf is hyper intelligent and high functioning if she -wants- it to be, and she's equipped with a "partial" photographic memory. Partial, because of her, under stress, more frequently ocurring spaced-outness. Sometimes I wonder if theres sort of a trigger to snap her out of that state and get her back to real world, because it kinds s*cks if you want to talk about a pressing subject and pwBPD doesn't seem to care even remotely enough to talk about it.

Anyways, my first junior year semester ended as expected, third academic warning received. However, my mentor didn't tell me of "academic hold-over" (grr) , only about expulsion. So I came to know I can cancel one semester and redo it - what a relief, a huge weight is off my mind, and how crushing that came down, could hear a thud almost  

[Zoaron]

I can definitely relate to that.  It seems my gf or ex-gf now, doesn't care about anything that's going on in my life.  She even tells me that she doesn't want to deal with my s--t. I asked her once that I wanted to get her advice on something, and she was like ok.  And when I asked her advice on what I should say to my father in my email to him (my father and I are estranged from each other for many years), and she's like "I don't care, this doesn't affect me at all". And she's always claimed to be best friends above all else.  And I thought friends are suppose to help each other when asking for advice.  I even try to ask about her day because I'm showing interest because I care. And she doesn't ask or want to know about mine.  Heck, she doesn't even ask how I am first thing in the morning any more and I always ask her. 

[Gumiho]

Oh my god how familiar, hah

My pops and I too are estranged for many years (actually he ignores me)... .(again)
So the other day I was in kind of a financial bind because of studying abroad. I decided to try contacting dad. Before I did so, I tried getting advice from my "best friend ever" (gf) on what to write. She was clueless and had no advice.
She did however ask if I hadn't forgiven my dad (she assumed that for some reason, because of me saying something like "he may be an ________, but he's still my father". Ugh you know... seahorse brains...   ), at a later point in time.
She remembered something but spun her own things around it... .she always does.

[Zoaron]

I have a feeling that me mentioning my father may be a trigger for her cause she has issues with her parents in general.  Although she was the one who originally encouraged me to contact him to try and make amends with him.  A lot good that did me.

[Gumiho]

Elaborate on that. When did you mention? ... before she had the episode?
My gf most often says the contrary of what she actually wants to say (it's often gradewandering and wild guessing what she's trying to communicate *rollseyes*).
":)on't come" in 99% of all cases means "it would be nice if you came over so we can do xyz", dare I misinterpret it would be upheld against me later (punishment all-inclusive).

Maybe "I don't care, this doesn't affect me at all" meant "it really mattered"?

[Zoaron]

It was just before an episode that it happened. I asked her about helping me with the email and she said it doesn't concern her so why should she help.   And then I guess I made a mistake of setting a boundary at that time and she went full on rage and didn't even give me a chance to talk at all.  So at the time, and I'm sure it might've been a mistake, but I hung up on her.  I wasn't about to take her insulting me left right and centre.  

[Gumiho]

It was just before an episode that it happened. I asked her about helping me with the email and she said it doesn't concern her so why should she help.   And then I guess I made a mistake of setting a boundary at that time and she went full on rage and didn't even give me a chance to talk at all.  So at the time, and I'm sure it might've been a mistake, but I hung up on her.  I wasn't about to take her insulting me left right and centre.  

Yeah, we're devoid of the right to speak when our gf's rant. Mine always said "YOU KNOW I DON'T LISTEN WHEN I'M ANGRY". Wasn't ever different. I used to call it princess-sickness in good times (before I learnt about BPD) . I dunno, sure there are wrong times to set a boundary (when they don't listen), important is, or so I think that we should not step back after setting it, if however you need to breach that boundary partially, in order to lure her out from under the bushes, try to keep that breach at a minimum, and reinforce it after the next recycle.

I wrote an email to gf(?) today, saying that I'll always be there for her if she wanted to talk. Short and just to poke her. Well two things are possible, either she keeps pouting (I can't call it different in her case), or she will reach out too. I'll sit tight and wait.
 Gah, it sure sucks~ we were just being good again then she throws her next episode... I don't even understand what's so bad with me telling that I'm kinda sad if she can't tell me. - But I know now, basically everything can be a trigger, things I can hardly ever guess. Given that insight I have to negotiate a new deal with her for future blowups, which is as hard as stepping out of the way. Which (stepping back, or just shutting up) funnily that was our deal from begin on. In that sense the ball always was on my side, in her viewpoint, since I always sort of caved in during her tantrum throwing. How many times have I promised not to fight back - so in her view I'm a felon who has broken his promise countless times. - I so many times tried to renegotiate on how I could act when she's going ballistic, I hardly can count it, it always ran out to the same result, that it's me who has to control my emotions. Likewise she countless times sarcastically reminded me of how I can't keep my promises, of how boring that was to her, that I was a liar, and that she won't believe me anymore.
 That overshadows all the good times we had, to her. - Despite trying countless times to convince her to have some insights on her part, that if we worked on this we would be an ace couple, all admission she ever made on these terms was that she is a dictator (she said that herself). So I can take it that she is fully aware of what she's doing.
 I really don't know which part of the puzzle is missing aside from that.

[Zoaron]

I'm at the point of just waiting for her to message me if she wants to talk.  I had an episode yesterday when I was out with the family where I suddenly got super nauseous and my hearing went muffled.  I near passed out.  And this happened twice.  One right after the other.   I don't know if I was just fainting or having an anxiety attack or what.  If it's related to my emotions for what's going on, I'll need to see to my own health above all else.  And if that means trying to get over my gf or ex or friend, I'm not sure what we are now,  then that's what I'll have to try to do.  It'll be hard cause I never fell so hard for someone before. 

[Gumiho]

I had an episode yesterday when I was out with the family where I suddenly got super nauseous and my hearing went muffled.

I'm concerned about such a development. Could you feel your aura? (sudden nauseousness, cold sweat etc?)... I experienced that twice about 20 years ago with later fainting... doc twice sent me to get an epilepsy test. It was negative twice. Doc back then diagnosed a dizzy spell after the second occurence, and it never lit up again ever since.
Maybe it's just a response of your body to severe stress? Do you get enough sleep?
Make sure you get that examined upon recurrence!

[Zoaron]

I'm not sure what you mean by aura, but I know I felt pale and flush.  Today, my brain just feels numb and just in the last half hour, I developed a glare in my vision.  It's hard to see what I'm typing right now.

[Gumiho]

My doc explained it's like feeling a cold wind around your body (due to "cold sweat" and he added that it's very often felt shortly before an imminent seizure.

Try getting some rest~~ >.<

[Zoaron]

My doc explained it's like feeling a cold wind around your body (due to "cold sweat" and he added that it's very often felt shortly before an imminent seizure.

Try getting some rest~~ >.<

It didn't feel too much like that.  I'm sure it's just all the stress that I've been going through.  It doesn't help that when I requested from my doctor to get some counselling, the wait time is 15 weeks to get in. 

Also, I have way too much on the go right now.  I have a wrestling show to do this weekend and it's a long weekend too, plus I have to work as well and I want to visit my kids as well. 

[Gumiho]

... .the wait time is 15 weeks to get in.  ... .

Holy cow ㅇㅅㅇ
Did you ask him how long it is if you ran amok and smashed his keyboard into the monitor?
Unbelievable... 4 months?

[Zoaron]

Holy cow ㅇㅅㅇ
Did you ask him how long it is if you ran amok and smashed his keyboard into the monitor?
Unbelievable... 4 months?

I might be just doing that by the time the 4 months are up.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Might also be signs of a migraine.  They are not limited to just pain and light sensitivity.  Over the last several years mine are more typified by sluggish thinking (I can feel myself get stupid) and sometimes I lose part of my field of vision or see squiggly lines of light, get nauseous, and overall feel weak, or sick, smell things that are not there.  Sometimes the full blown pain will come later, sometimes I can drink coffee and gatorade and lie down in the dark and it goes away.  For migraines, the term "aura" can mean pretty much any symptom that is not just pain in your head - often it meant visual disturbances, but I've seen other symptoms refered to as an aura, too. 

Stress can bring these on - I sued to get them every single day in 9th grade when my parents were at their most violent with each other.  I did not want to go home and face them, so my body tried to shut down at about 3PM each day. 

[Gumiho]

We finally had a conversation. GumihoGf lectured Gumiho badly.
  Over 40 minutes she stabbed me with a million spears. In a calm tone too (scary annoyed tone) over all the time.

  She said she wanted to break up today, her heart went far away, she can't marry me (basically breaking off our engagement and saying she never agreed, and that it must have been a misunderstanding) and that she can't see me as a man are just the top 4 stabs. ... .she did that a couple of times before, but we always got back good, for my bleeding and pleading so to say.
  I confessed my abandonment fears once again, though idk if she understood, I told her why that is, and that I still love her. I repeated many times that thanks to learning about this we didn't fight for 3 weeks straight. (She said she doesn't want a 15 y/o boyfriend, though I am almost 40, my age improved, she said I'm a 6 y/o before. ).

  Then she kept dwelling on why she can't marry me, asking me how long does she have to wait (I'm student still w/o money, and she's old school Korean - meaning the hubby has to buy the house and the wife buys the interior, pretty normal in Korean society for our generation, and makes sense too, we both want children and that costs a sh*tload of money here. This doesn't apply for younger couples after all.), and she told me that if I really loved her, I would have to let her go (I told her that myself). - I only told her that we can marry today, if it was me.

  Then she kept digging up the reason for her major split four months ago. Back then, for my skin conditions sake, she borrowed me a lot of money to go for a trip abroad, to get some much needed sun and sea air (both are super benefical for my skin and that was my topmost reason why I moved to Korea too... high humidity, short winters and a lot of sun). I gratefully took on that offer, after a preceding fight over 2 months about why I wouldn't want to accept money of my gf - where money gets involved friendship ends - stupid Gumiho finally caved in to endless nagging despite previous bad experiences in former life.
  Anyways back then (last February) we started a huge argument as soon as I landed in the vacation destination. What a retarted move - I JADEd about her falling asleep on me not wishing me a good flight even once in the nignt before, and asked her what if I died from an airplane crash, she replied "die well", which caused me to snap and say a trigger word (I see you want to fight), both taking it way too personal, she hung up on me. Which ended in a full fledged messenger fight including her usual break up threats.
  Eventually she fell asleep and I proceeded to airport and left the country. As soon as I landed in the destination, she called me continuing the fight and it ouch well ended up in a change on how to pay back the money, me whining about how she ruined my vacation before it started and me hanging up on her for the first time in our history (multiple times) - I was so fed up by her nagging and continuous break up threats while staggering through a tropical rainstorm with a huge suitcase of things and no umbrella - bad combination, small issue got elephantized, so typical. I ended up hearing daily lectures about what a bad person I am for taking her money yet start an argument for 7 days straight. I was painted blackhole-pitch-black and it took me 4 months to bend it back. Finally getting over it gf pulled it back up. -_- also typical

  That wasn't enough, she told me we could be friends but never a couple again, just before. But that's my boundary, I don't want to be friends and not a couple (impossible to me).

  Still processing her lecture. She then said she needs to sleep, but since I need to keep talking I am an egoist, so I told her to sleep.

  I managed to refrain from JADEing, 95%, yay. I survived

[Gumiho]

coffee and gatorade

Antagonists? Interesting, I get the Gatorade which is hydrating and should to some degree improve blood flow in narrowed blood vessels, but coffee?
And you mentioned "lie down in the dark"... ow~ you don't have a sun allergy, do you?
A high school friend had that, migraine coming with a special sunlight angle, only in spring and fall, in my home country... .D:

[Zoaron]

We finally had a conversation. GumihoGf lectured Gumiho badly.

I managed to refrain from JADEing, 95%, yay. I survived

Wow... .that's all I have to say is wow.  I guess the main thing is surviving.

I'm posting an update in my thread for me.

[Gumiho]

She just blew up at me again, it's truly like she's a different person when she's angry.
Again, I validated her to no end. All she heard was me invalidating her even though I didn't.
And the length... she's been painting me ultra-pitch-black for an entire week already, and when I address it (that blocking my phone number means I am a bad guy in her eyes, to me), she twists it to no end and puts it as I was saying something bad about her. (guess Gumiho is painted uber-super-blackhole-pitch-black again)

Here's more prying into Gumiho's life (got drawn into a new cycle of our circular argument);

She said that now she truly thinks I am insane, and now it would truly be over for her. (as so many times before)
I countered that I'm trying my best and she still thinks I'm the epitome of evil and want only bad for her, at the same time she says blocking me is to protect herself. Not that I'm a bad guy, in the same breath she says I'm a horrible person.
I revalidate saying I understand her frustration with me (even though it's a blatant lie to myself), I re-empathy and say that I too would be frustrated, and I address that in truth I just miss her.
At the same time she says again that blocking is for herself.
I said I'm scared that she will block me again for 2 months. And that I just miss her! miss talking to her.
Then again she calls me a 6 years old. And that we're done. And that she understands now that I truly am a sh*t man.
I call her name. I miss you, and I'm trying to be good for her but she's just mad at me. (didn't reach)
Then she tells me that I didn't understand.
So I said - well yes? so help me please, you know everything of me.
She blurts out that we're already over.
I revalidate, saying I understand her frustration.
She said I should tell everything to her sister, despite big sister doesn't want to know, as I did before.
I said that I won't do that. And that I understand she is feeling first, then forms an opinion. I however make an opinion first and then "feel".
She said she was perfectly reasonable (seriously she doesn't get it AT ALL).
I said I think we're a match, like + and - (truth).
She said she got like this more and more since I travelled abroad in February, not because of her emotions (she's unable to tell reality from imaginary world).
I said that I understand her very well. That she said I was disturbing her, yet I wouldn't want to disturb her of course  (validating, validating and validating). So I asked when she thinks we were able to talk. and...
She (finally) replied Gumiho's question with "when Gumiho knows he gave GumihoGf many bad things".
I said (and... .she fell into my word); that I don't want to break up.
GumihoGf; please don't do that anymore.
Gumiho; I'm sorry

Thus Gumiho broke free from the cycle. For now.
Really, this is gratewandering on a 1mm line between insanity and sane realm pure. So exhausting. GumihoGf is going to get at him later. I know it...
AHHHHHH!1 *curls up*

[Gumiho]

She just told me to delete my profile photo on facebook, it shows her too. The photo was there since early 2016 and everybody knows.
I told her to readd me on facebook in return. (new boundary, since gf says that we are "broken up". I set the photo to "friends only" for now

I wonder if I should comply, or is that blackmailing if I don't?

[Zoaron]

She just told me to delete my profile photo on facebook, it shows her too. The photo was there since early 2016 and everybody knows.
I told her to readd me on facebook in return. (new boundary, since gf says that we are "broken up". I set the photo to "friends only" for now

I wonder if I should comply, or is that blackmailing if I don't?

Honestly, I think you may be pushing the wrong buttons here.  If you have the picture still, what harm can it be to remove it?  You can always re-add it later.  And don't take this the wrong way, but boundaries are supposed to protect you from things that offend or hurt you.  Having her not on your friend list won't do either.  It's more satisfying a need to keep her around one way or another rather than letting her have her space so she can calm down and come out of her trigger/rage.  In my view, the best option, as hard as it may be, is to step back and leave her be, let her have her time to calm down.  As a BPD, chances are she will start to pull you in again.  Whether it's one or two days, or a week or two.  I sent my friend a message with a mention to come talk to me when she can talk to me civil, and blocked her on everything for a couple hours so she couldn't continue the argument.  And since she's come back, I've decided to use the SET method of talking to her when I can sense her getting upset.  I've done it once and it seemed to work quite well rather than just using straight validation.

[Gumiho]

Her deleting me from her friendlist on facebook is an act to to torment me, knowing what a huge status symbol it is to me, I took that very personal.

Anyway she now decided to dump me again, for using SET, it enraged her. And she sounded very serious this time, completely engrossed in her distorted world. It seems she got there because I gave her that week of "distance".

I'm in deep shock. I don't even know if I should be happy or sad about this. Going to church now and thank god for making me meet somebody like this.
Happy Sunday morning.

[Gumiho]

Not "status symbol" ... I meant "symbolic value".
I'm working in IT field and spend a lot of time online. Even more so because I don't have many friends and am alone most of the time. My SO was a 100% fulltime job that didn't allow me to cultivate friendships.

From rock bottom,
Gumiho

[Gumiho]

Zoaron -- you're right. I deleted the photo when I read your reply. Thanks for the reality check. I'm in la-la-land.

She just called me - while I was on toilet - with no further ado (phone rang a whole 3 seconds) - I sped out like lightning struck but, de nada

[Zoaron]

Zoaron -- you're right. I deleted the photo when I read your reply. Thanks for the reality check. I'm in la-la-land.

She just called me - while I was on toilet - with no further ado (phone rang a whole 3 seconds) - I sped out like lightning struck but, de nada

It could be all that's needed.  As for boundaries, an example of the one I use is that if she starts to insult me and everything I do or have done with her, I tell her that basically 'I refuse to be treated like a piece of ----, when you can talk to me civil, I won't be talking at all and I'll be blocking you for a bit so don't bother continuing to argue'.   And I follow through with what I said I'd do in the boundary. This will give her that time to calm down and hopefully get out of her rage.  And when she's back to herself again, then she can pull me back.  And like I said, for her, it usually lasts 2-3 days.  Obviously it may be different for others, but this is my experience.

On a related note, my experience also is that if she tries to contact you within the next 12-24 hours after the initial block I've done, it's just to try and restart that rage cause it hasn't fully cooled off yet.   But again, everyone is different.

[Gumiho]

Exactly those are (ex?)gf's tactics to win any argument. Exactly that's what I'm trying to get under control.
She needs to blow off all that's on her chest which usually are insults directed at me. And I'm supposed to eat it all, no matter what button she's pushing.

If I walk away she'd skew me for not listening, if I say something she has to pay back 1000 fold for "not winning". I was so close a week ago.
But her silence treatment after that broke my neck, I started to complain the next day. (as in chat log a week ago)

Of course holding it in for 24 hours is nothing and null for her, if I address just a hint of her injustices puked.  
I really need to work on that more... .if... .

[lostandconfused6]

It could be all that's needed.  As for boundaries, an example of the one I use is that if she starts to insult me and everything I do or have done with her, I tell her that basically 'I refuse to be treated like a piece of ----, when you can talk to me civil, I won't be talking at all and I'll be blocking you for a bit so don't bother continuing to argue'.   And I follow through with what I said I'd do in the boundary. This will give her that time to calm down and hopefully get out of her rage.  And when she's back to herself again, then she can pull me back.  And like I said, for her, it usually lasts 2-3 days.  Obviously it may be different for others, but this is my experience.

On a related note, my experience also is that if she tries to contact you within the next 12-24 hours after the initial block I've done, it's just to try and restart that rage cause it hasn't fully cooled off yet.   But again, everyone is different.

I wish i could do that i fear if i tell him i'll block him he will just punish me further by not speaking to me for a few days or longer... .that's where i get so confused about the abandonment issues... .is it just a sometimes thing? do all BPDs have it?... .but then again he has admitted to me he says he will leave when we fight "to beat me to the punch" sometimes... .

We have been a lot better though i will see a rage about to begin and i shut it down and tell him he isn't going to speak to me like that or twist my words and he's been responding very well to that. Not getting my hopes up that it will last but it's nice for now

[Zoaron]

I wish i could do that i fear if i tell him i'll block him he will just punish me further by not speaking to me for a few days or longer... .that's where i get so confused about the abandonment issues... .is it just a sometimes thing? do all BPDs have it?... .but then again he has admitted to me he says he will leave when we fight "to beat me to the punch" sometimes... .

We have been a lot better though i will see a rage about to begin and i shut it down and tell him he isn't going to speak to me like that or twist my words and he's been responding very well to that. Not getting my hopes up that it will last but it's nice for now

When I mentioned the blocking in my boundary, I gave a time line to how long I wound keep the block up and a why I was doing it and that I will be here for them afterwards.  When those are included, then it portrays that you're not abandoning them.  Abandonment is a very common thing in a lot if not all people with BPD.  That's my impression from everything I've read here, in books, and from personal experience.  It's like they're the ones doing the abandoning even though their the ones that done want the abandonment. Almost like reverse psychology in a way.

[lostandconfused6]

When I mentioned the blocking in my boundary, I gave a time line to how long I wound keep the block up and a why I was doing it and that I will be here for them afterwards.  When those are included, then it portrays that you're not abandoning them.  Abandonment is a very common thing in a lot if not all people with BPD.  That's my impression from everything I've read here, in books, and from personal experience.  It's like they're the ones doing the abandoning even though their the ones that done want the abandonment. Almost like reverse psychology in a way.

Honestly that is 1 of the most frustrating things to me about it... .now that he's admitted while he does it i dont have the melt downs that i used to but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear... .he has been better though for the last 2 weeks about not saying it

[Gumiho]

It's so damn frustrating it drives me nuts.
Mine now been NC again for the whole day (after trying to call me twice yesterday).

[Zoaron]

Honestly that is 1 of the most frustrating things to me about it... .now that he's admitted while he does it i dont have the melt downs that i used to but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to hear... .he has been better though for the last 2 weeks about not saying it

I've read that some BPD people have a tendency for having narcissistic traits, so this could fall under this category.

[Zoaron]

It's so damn frustrating it drives me nuts.
Mine now been NC again for the whole day (after trying to call me twice yesterday).

I know what you mean about it being frustrating.  It's damn hard on the heart.  Be strong and let her pull you in when she's ready.  That's my two cents.

[Gumiho]

I know what you mean about it being frustrating.  It's damn hard on the heart.  Be strong and let her pull you in when she's ready.  That's my two cents.

I'm scared that might never happen... her initial episode is almost two weeks ago~ One week after that she had two intermediate consecutive blow ups just cause I tried to validate her while she ranted, until she spat the (final?) "I see we really need to break up now".

  I'm waiting of course, randomly checking on her (I have to do that, so she's aware I still exist), but it's so hard on me~ now that it's summer break (skin flaring up like crazy too ._.) ... .despite me telling her countless times how I suffer from her threats and NC, she still does it. Either she isn't aware (doesn't care), or she actually wants me to roast in hell. Both are so cruel and frustrating.

  I'm kinda clinging to what she once told me (long ago) that if she really broke up with someone, she would disappear completely. It's my last hope that she's only NCing.

meh.

[lostandconfused6]

I've read that some BPD people have a tendency for having narcissistic traits, so this could fall under this category.

oh for sure in his case, for the longest time i was convinced he was a narcissist but he never had all the traits. Then i discovered BPD and it hit the nail on the head.

[Gumiho]

I don't know if my SO truly has BPD, she just matches all the descriptions up to self injury (though that might manifest different areas, she starts picking off her silvers when she's in aroused mental state, claiming it doesn't hurt even though her fingertips bleed).
  Well mrs.gumiho told me recently that she's blocking me to "protect herself", but that's another pair of shoes (given my rage calling as an answer to her sudden hanging up, in her raging-bull mode), I failed to accept that she hung up on me to prevent arguments escalating even more. It's still unacceptable behavior to me (hanging up and blocking), though learning about BPD, I just should have let her deal with her emotions in hindsight, not trying to help her controlling them, which most definitely added to her rage most often. So much to my part in this.
  Mine never apologized even once, it was ALWAYS me, if that's not narcissism, what is it then? Her tendency to be infallible and telling me that even if she was wrong I have to apologize, narcissism pure, escaping (self created) arguments, even if pwBPD
see their emotions hurt, by blocking. That can't be it. To reinforce a boundary, I don't have that freedom. She literally turns into a supernova if I block her (tried that once, ouch). Also her view that she can do everything she wants, hanging up, blocking, being rude, while I "obviously" can't. NBPD. Oh well... .

[Tattered Heart]

Locking thread due to length. New topic start for Part 2