First post, things are turbulent and I'm lost.

[Depression = 72% of members]

1. Be careful of overcommitting to this person right now. Take it slow.
2. Be mindful of your feelings. Especially during conflict with her. Are you "giving in" a lot or compromising your core values.

WW, things are... .questionable. Honestly I feel like ___. Again. She is extremely self conscious of her nose. Thinks it's huge for some reason. I find it cute and s... .y as hell and I love it. Anyway she thinks this girl C's nose is smaller than hers. I accidentally misread one of her texts. She said "still think C has a smaller nose " and I said "She does" because I thought her text said "still think C has a bigger nose " as a question. I'm really kicking myself for this one. Because now it's "I don't think this can work anymore" "you hurt my self esteem again" "you keep doing this" "you keep  messing up" "don't talk to me ever again" "talking with you is a trigger now I'm angry" "I don't know if I can ever see you again." Basically all direct quotes. Seriously? It was a mistake! I was reading and I misread and... .doesn't matter. She doesn't get it was a mistake. Mistake or not it still hurt her. And I try to be supportive. I know how it hurt her. She should be upset. And I've told her this, that being upset is normal, it makes sense. But I think she's giving up on the relationship. I'm not even angry anymore, just trying to be validating. "Yes, you should be upset, I understand, I'd be upset too" But. All I get is upset texts. Anger. She won't even let me see her because she's too depressed to do anything again. Barely leaves the house.

"This relationship isn't fun for me anymore. Not when we're talking like this." Her words. "It occupies my mind all day in an unhealthy way. All I ever do is try to prove myself that I'm better than everyone else."

I realized yesterday, after we stopped talking because she was upset and pissed over the nose comment, that I'm at fault for becoming more codependent and less validating sometimes. Which is bad. It's really let the relationship nosedive. Which is why I quoted badknees up there, because I've gone too fast too hard and maybe given in a little too much. And I'm trying now to reverse myself. To become more validating. To try and separate us a little so it's not codependency.

I need some straight answers guys, what do we think? Salvageable? Should I try? I want to. I want this to work. But I have to respect her if she decides parting ways is the best option. I shouldn't and won't force her to stay. And if I suggest a few days break I think she's afraid of being alone so she says no. But this relationship won't work if she doesn't realize I made a mistake and forgive me. It's so hard, I must have said I love her nose a thousand times over. A million maybe. And one mistake, one slip, and boom. Doesn't matter.

I keep holding on. I keep hope alive.

I'm really kind of peeved too because saturday she said to me "until you realize C's nose and forehead are smaller than mine, don't talk to me." And we didn't talk for 8 and a half hours. But like, what did she expect to happen if I had said they were? It'd be this but even worse because it wouldn't be a mistake. Why would she even do that? She had to have known what a blow to her self esteem it would be if I had agreed.

And I just told her now, in response to the occupying in an unhealthy way I mentioned there, "That sounds really difficult to deal with, really overwhelming too. What would you like me to do? I feel really awkward and unwanted if you don't know if you can see me or even talk to me anymore. Do you want the relationship to end?" Because she keeps just dancing around it. "This relationship isn't working anymore" or "this relationship isn't fun anymore." Like, if you want it to end please just say it.

Guys I'm going mad. If you have personal experience with a similar situation please chime in as well. I'm really not feeling well and it might be because it might actually be ending. But I want to better this relationship. I've never clicked on this level with anyone before. Ever. I've never even come close.

[PurpleFlower]

1. Be careful of overcommitting to this person right now. Take it slow.
2. Be mindful of your feelings. Especially during conflict with her. Are you "giving in" a lot or compromising your core values.

WW, things are... .questionable. Honestly I feel like ___. Again. She is extremely self conscious of her nose. Thinks it's huge for some reason. I find it cute and s... .y as hell and I love it. Anyway she thinks this girl C's nose is smaller than hers. I accidentally misread one of her texts. She said "still think C has a smaller nose " and I said "She does" because I thought her text said "still think C has a bigger nose " as a question. I'm really kicking myself for this one. Because now it's "I don't think this can work anymore" "you hurt my self esteem again" "you keep doing this" "you keep  messing up" "don't talk to me ever again" "talking with you is a trigger now I'm angry" "I don't know if I can ever see you again." Basically all direct quotes. Seriously? It was a mistake! I was reading and I misread and... .doesn't matter. She doesn't get it was a mistake. Mistake or not it still hurt her. And I try to be supportive. I know how it hurt her. She should be upset. And I've told her this, that being upset is normal, it makes sense. But I think she's giving up on the relationship. I'm not even angry anymore, just trying to be validating. "Yes, you should be upset, I understand, I'd be upset too" But. All I get is upset texts. Anger. She won't even let me see her because she's too depressed to do anything again. Barely leaves the house.

"This relationship isn't fun for me anymore. Not when we're talking like this." Her words. "It occupies my mind all day in an unhealthy way. All I ever do is try to prove myself that I'm better than everyone else."

I realized yesterday, after we stopped talking because she was upset and pissed over the nose comment, that I'm at fault for becoming more codependent and less validating sometimes. Which is bad. It's really let the relationship nosedive. Which is why I quoted badknees up there, because I've gone too fast too hard and maybe given in a little too much. And I'm trying now to reverse myself. To become more validating. To try and separate us a little so it's not codependency.

I need some straight answers guys, what do we think? Salvageable? Should I try? I want to. I want this to work. But I have to respect her if she decides parting ways is the best option. I shouldn't and won't force her to stay. And if I suggest a few days break I think she's afraid of being alone so she says no. But this relationship won't work if she doesn't realize I made a mistake and forgive me. It's so hard, I must have said I love her nose a thousand times over. A million maybe. And one mistake, one slip, and boom. Doesn't matter.

I keep holding on. I keep hope alive.

I'm really kind of peeved too because saturday she said to me "until you realize C's nose and forehead are smaller than mine, don't talk to me." And we didn't talk for 8 and a half hours. But like, what did she expect to happen if I had said they were? It'd be this but even worse because it wouldn't be a mistake. Why would she even do that? She had to have known what a blow to her self esteem it would be if I had agreed.

And I just told her now, in response to the occupying in an unhealthy way I mentioned there, "That sounds really difficult to deal with, really overwhelming too. What would you like me to do? I feel really awkward and unwanted if you don't know if you can see me or even talk to me anymore. Do you want the relationship to end?" Because she keeps just dancing around it. "This relationship isn't working anymore" or "this relationship isn't fun anymore." Like, if you want it to end please just say it.

Guys I'm going mad. If you have personal experience with a similar situation please chime in as well. I'm really not feeling well and it might be because it might actually be ending. But I want to better this relationship. I've never clicked on this level with anyone before. Ever. I've never even come close.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm not sure I'd go as far as saying she should be upset.  That's validating the invalid.  But she is upset, and you can validate that those feelings are real.  Saying she "should be upset" is a way to normalize her feelings.  Normalizing someone's feelings is a good way to validate someone, so your intent was good.  A slightly better way to normalize her feelings, which is less invalidating to you, is to say, "If I thought someone I loved had insulted my face, I'd be super upset, too."

It's so easy to feel like one mistake could spell the end of things, especially when our pwBPD say it.  But it doesn't.  They feel like it is the end, because their feelings are so extreme and out of control.  Because our brains have "mirror neurons" that tend to make us match the emotions of someone we're with, it takes a lot of practice and mindfulness not to be taken along for the ride.  It is exhausting, but with some effort you can lessen the turmoil that you feel.  It helps simply to recognize what's happening.

You should try because you want to try.  Your plan to develop your boundaries and to maintain yourself as a distinct person are in fact two of the main prerequisites for going forward in a healthy way.

You mentioned codependence.  I thought you might be interested in these Enmeshment and Codependence Definitions which are part of this thread on Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence.

I think a winning philosophy is to work to better the relationship while also working equally hard on boundaries and maintaining your own personhood.  The key is that you must not be so afraid of losing the relationship that you sacrifice boundaries and your identity (beware, as well, that this sacrifice happens slowly and is often not detected, so you must always be working to maintain them).  If the relationship ends because you were maintaining healthy boundaries, then it was not meant to be a healthy relationship.

I am impressed with all of the work you are doing on this.  Your work is not just about this relationship, it's about equipping you with the tools for healthy relationships.  Your growth will pay dividends for the rest of your life.  To be doing this at the age of 21 is d*mn impressive (and is very nice to see for those of us who came to this wisdom much later in life).

WW

p.s.  If you're young and just starting out, a fantastic book to read is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver.  Gottman is a researcher who studies healthy relationships to see what makes them tick.  He gathers a ton of data by videotaping couples, so his work is evidence-based.  The book is a great blueprint to a healthy relationship.  I'd pay a million bucks to have had it when I was 21.

[PurpleFlower]

I appreciate the help WW. But I think it's over.

In essence what happened was, Monday, after my post, she said she was "too tired to work on improving this relationship." That was what made me think this was the beginning of the end. Doesn't matter how much work I put into this if she doesn't want to put in work as well. That evening she seemed ok, asked me about studying with her and going on a trip next summer maybe. In the evening I asked her if she took me for granted and she said yes. Ouch. She also said she would describe me as "too good for me. Let me push him around too much. Made some mistakes that hurt me. I hurt him more tho. It was good while it lasted."

Tuesday everything really fell apart. She was ok ish, I didn't text her because on Monday I told her I wouldn't text her Tuesday to give her some time and also because she said right now talking was a trigger. I was out with my friend and she started to message me.

She sent me a picture of her abs, and I gave what I thought was a good response, told her that I really liked them and was proud and they looked great with some    at the end for good measure. Apparently I "couldn't even hype her up." She got into a really weird mood, one I've only seen once before. About how I would "never find anyone as hot as her" and that I "should enjoy it while it lasts." "You're just jealous of my abs, you don't get how much work I put into it." And then she directly hit my insecurities "you just have weak arms and a weak stomach, you should work out. You'll never be as hot as me." I told her she was insulting me and to stop please, and she kept going so I stopped replying. I didn't want to fight. She started to go on, "A would be a good match you can have her. Imagine her looking up at you when she sucks your d... ." and then she said "It's over, stay out of my way, I hope I never see or hear from you again." And then she kept texting me. About A. Calling me an a... .le. D... k. Jerk. All the names. Coward. I was with my friend and he said I shouldn't pick up or respond. To let it pass and then talk to her. So I was doing that, and then as I drove home, she started calling. She started picking out girls from my facebook saying "you liked all her pictures. You cheater. YOU CHEATER" Which is... .bizarre. Since these are pictures from high school. She was cheated on in her past relationship which is where I think all the insecurity comes from, not that it matters anymore.

She then said "I think I might do it this time. I've never been this upset." And then called and I was driving, so I didn't pick up. "I always knew it would go like this. Alone. Goodbye." And then "Please, pick up, I don't want to be alone when it happens." At this point I decided I wasn't going to show her that if she threatens suicide I'll respond, that's really not ok. So I got home and called the police for a welfare check. This might seem extreme, but this is a boundary I set a month ago. I told her multiple times I would do this if she threatened suicide and I thought she would actually do it. She sent me a suicide note once, and I told her if she ever got that bad again I would call and send someone over to help. That that was what I had to do to feel safe, and she said she understood and agreed. This is an important boundary to me. Ever since the note, which I told her that for her sake I would not act on, I've felt like this is my fault. Because, really, if she kills herself after she sent me a goddamn note and I didn't act on it or do anything, it really would feel like I messed up and should have done something. So sending a welfare check if she ever got that bad again was something we agreed on and that had been laid out before. It should not have surprised her. So I got home, talked it over with my mother and sent the police.

I had the show, so my mom came with to monitor my phone for an update while I was backstage. The sherif called back and said, in short, they did a full evaluation of her. That they didn't think she was a threat to herself. And left her at home.  During the evaluation she apparently said she "regretted" saying what she said. She also apparently said we weren't together (I assume because her parents don't know) and they recommended I don't contact her. I talked with my therapist and she said for now I shouldn't contact her as long as I can before I formally talk to her and end it.

SO sent me a message Tuesday night after it all when I went to bed "can you say goodnight, nobody said goodnight." And I didn't respond to that either. She has stopped apologizing for her states and for what she says during them. My self esteem has tanked so much because of the last week. She has called me so many names and so many different things. I keep having fantasies of what it would have been like if we had a healthy relationship and all I can hear is her saying "you're an obsessed psycho." Also Monday. She said I'm just obsessed with a relationship and that's why I'm with her because I just like being in a relationship. I used to be really clingy in high school and it took me a long time to get better and she throws it in my face like I never grew and got better. So apparently in my life I'm just "obsessed with relationships" (ignoring that this is my first).

Not contacting her has been hard but I think this is the end. She said she didn't have the energy to work on this relationship. That it wasn't fun for her. Frankly it's not fun for me either but I wanted to build something with her. But if she won't, then I'm done. I took a lot of abuse. I have a lot to process. I really do think this is it, and I'm sorry if anyone was hoping for a happy update. I tried my best, I did literally everything. I feel like I have closure because sending a welfare check was about the only thing I hadn't done. But now I can officially say I did everything to help. But without any more effort on her side... .why?

It's not officially over. I still want her. Really badly. I still want to build a healthy relationship or a life with her. But she overran a lot of boundaries, she called me a ton of names in the past week and I can't forget them. They're all I think when I look in the mirror now. "A-hole. D... k. Jerk. Psycho." Projection or not. That's what I see now. I really tried guys, I tried so hard. And I'm so sad that we couldn't get it to work but I tried.

[pearlsw]

Hi PurpleFlower,

Thanks for the update! Sorry to hear things went like this. I am so sorry you had to hear such words, that is not okay to speak like that at all. 

I am glad you have so much support - your mom, friends, therapist. That sounds great!

You don't have to apologize to us, okay? We're here for ya any way this would have worked out! (And even if things change again, okay?)

How will you do the "official" breakup if you do it? (I know it is very hard to break up with someone when we are still in love.)

warmly, pearl.

[PurpleFlower]

I will likely send her a text outlining some good things, and then a few reasons why it has to end. She hasn't apologized for what she said on Tuesday or the entire week before. We had matching instagram usernames and this morning I changed mine back to my old one, to distance myself from her a bit and I instantly got a text about "being passive aggressive" and "if I hate her so much I should just tell her." But still no apology. She hasn't apologized in a month and frankly that's another reason why I think it has to end. I'm just so beat. So broken. You can only bend a man so much before he breaks.

She posted a beach picture that was taken by another guy. I'm upset because 1) I've been trying for months to get her to go to the beach with me and 2) it really looks like she got over me in two days. What was I to her then? Anyway I also got some abusive messages "you upset because I was eating a corn dog and you're vegetarian? lmao" and "I deserve to know what's going on. You said you'd be different and not leave" But... .I have to. I have to cut off the friendship too I think it's too painful and she's too manipulative to continue. I just wanted it to work so badly and now... .

[Radcliff]

We are with you no matter the status of the relationship.  There's a place here for folks in every relationship stage.

Regarding your self esteem, to have survived in a tough relationship and maintained your boundaries as well as you did is pretty studly.

I'm sure she didn't get over you in two days.  Be prepared for some pull from her if you distance yourself, and think about how you want to react if she starts pulling you.

Please keep us posted on how things are going with you.

WW

[PurpleFlower]

I sent a message Friday (described by my therapist as loving and heartfelt) officially ending it, and telling her I would block her if her response was angry or hurtful. It was a little angry, and hurtful, so I did. I didn't block her emails though, and I got quite a few about how she loved me and didn't understand what I meant when I said I wouldn't "watch her court other guys" (I am very confident she went to the beach with another guy.)

Her emails went on, about how she was getting more help, on meds now, seeing two therapists instead of just one. She asked for one more chance. How she's never met anyone like me, how she can't afford to lose me and she loves me.

She also went back and read an old tweet I made about how I liked the feeling of someone you liking texting you, saying I said I never liked anyone until her and what did that mean? Then she deleted her twitter.

She hasn't emailed since Friday night, her last email said she was very proud of me and loved me. And that was it. It's tuesday now and I haven't heard anything. But I honestly am considering taking her back for one more chance. I'm really close to emailing to asking what she would do for one more chance, how she would make up to me what she's said and done. I don't know if it's a good idea but I've been so close to doing it. And I think I want to. Try one last time. But I think I already know how it will end... .

Otherwise I'm feeling very sad, kind of depressed, and very very empty.

[Radcliff]

This is hard stuff.  I'm sorry for all the pain.  We're still on Bettering, so are here to give you support and help you work the tools if you go back.  If you hit a point where you want unified support to exit, you can start a thread on Detaching (place a link here so folks can follow you).

The urge to go back is totally understandable.  Can you tell us more about that urge to go back?  What thoughts and/or feelings are pulling on you?

WW

[PurpleFlower]

WW, thank you for the kind words.

I just have this feeling, like I have it in me for one more try. I don't know. For some reason I believe she might have actually changed, that she's actually making an effort right now. Just something inside me tells me she's trying to change, to get better. And the fact that realistically I'm not over her and I still love her. Her and I have so much in common it's crazy, we really do have a connection on so many levels that I haven't found before and perhaps am worried I won't find again?

What stops me from going back is how pissed my friend will be. He really really pushed me to block her everywhere when she started to respond to my breakup letter. But I feel so bad about blocking her. I feel almost like I've betrayed her.

At the same time, I don't know if I have it in me for one more go. I keep dreaming about her. I keep imagining her with another man and it makes me sick. I want to try one more time. I am so close to breaking the no contact and asking if she still wants to try. I'm so close. The good times were some of the best of my life, I just have to really think if they're worth the bad.

[PurpleFlower]

I am thinking, if we try again, to limit our contact to only email for a bit. Just to force us to slow down. To read everything. To take a breath before responding. Maybe that sounds bizarre but I think it might help a lot. Thoughts on this?

[Radcliff]

I am thinking, if we try again, to limit our contact to only email for a bit. Just to force us to slow down. To read everything. To take a breath before responding. Maybe that sounds bizarre but I think it might help a lot. Thoughts on this?

The forces that are driving her are very powerful ones; I don't think a near-term tactical move is going to have a major impact long term.  Going slow over e-mail sounds like a good idea simply because it allows you to move cautiously.

Did your friend give you reasons when he was pushing you to break contact?

You may have another go in you, and you may not, as you say.  How about setting that question aside and considering this one -- assuming that her behavior stays the same, are you going to be happy in 5, 10, or 20 years?  Is this what you want long term?  She is not in therapy, and even with therapy change is difficult.  Certainly, right now she has wonderful traits, wonderful enough to make you love her.  Perhaps thinking long term might help.  Another thing I've found useful is not paying as much attention to my mind and trying to analyze the situation (which is my natural bent) and instead pay attention to my body and feelings.  When you think about many years of the current benefits and drawbacks of the relationship, does your body feel good overall, or not good?

WW

[PurpleFlower]

The forces that are driving her are very powerful ones; I don't think a near-term tactical move is going to have a major impact long term.  Going slow over e-mail sounds like a good idea simply because it allows you to move cautiously.

Did your friend give you reasons when he was pushing you to break contact?

You may have another go in you, and you may not, as you say.  How about setting that question aside and considering this one -- assuming that her behavior stays the same, are you going to be happy in 5, 10, or 20 years?  Is this what you want long term?  She is not in therapy, and even with therapy change is difficult.  Certainly, right now she has wonderful traits, wonderful enough to make you love her.  Perhaps thinking long term might help.  Another thing I've found useful is not paying as much attention to my mind and trying to analyze the situation (which is my natural bent) and instead pay attention to my body and feelings.  When you think about many years of the current benefits and drawbacks of the relationship, does your body feel good overall, or not good?

WW

His reasons were mostly that he could see that when she was bad it made me upset. He got upset to see me called the kind of names she called me, whether or not she meant them. Which in my mind, whether she meant them or not, they still hurt. He said that "she's crazy" and that the only way to get her not to contact me if we broke up was if I blocked her. Understandable, although she hasn't actually contacted me since Friday.

She has been in therapy since about early July. Progress has been slow if at all, and it appears now she is moving to go to two therapists. As well as the medication. Perhaps not a huge change but a change nonetheless. Although for her to get better, I doubt it will be any time in the next 3 or 4 years even. But, maybe I am crazy, I don't know, but when I think about being with her for those 3-4 years and beyond, 5, 10, 15, I feel good? Like it's what I want to do? Like for some reason I get really excited at the prospect of building a life with this woman? And that's what really confuses me, because I don't know anymore if that's because this is just my first relationship or if, on some deeper cosmic level I really have a connection with her. I'm a very logical person, and I keep trying to understand WHY I want to go back, WHY I feel so excited/good/optimistic about a relationship with her. Is it because of HER or is just because it's a relationship, and after the past few days, I am confident it's because of her.

I keep dreaming (twice in three days now) of her with someone else and it kills me and makes me wake up with my heart going 150 bpm. I seriously consider these dreams nightmares.

[Radcliff]

Do you know what kind of therapy she is doing?  Is it DBT?

It sounds like you are asking all the right questions, in particular the question of whether you are excited to be with her long term, or excited about the prospect of a long term relationship.  You are at a disadvantage since it's your first serious relationship.

The best advice I have is to go slow.  Don't get married or have kids unless things get really stable for a good long while.  One option would be to casually date a couple of other women to just get a feel for things.  If it's meant to be with her, it's meant to be.  Dating others for a bit would likely increase your confidence in your eventual long-term choice.  I've been in your shoes, thinking about long-term with very little other relationship experience, and it's a tough spot to be in.

WW

[PurpleFlower]

One of her therapists is CBT oriented. But she said she was looking for one specifically DBT oriented, I know insurance has been an issue but she's looking for one that's DBT oriented.

The questions are hard to answer. I ponder them all day, and when I'm lying in bed especially. I wish this had been say my second relationship, so I had some sort of experience. I'm at a serious emotional disadvantage here. I would definitely go slow, I think going slow is what I want to do. The first round through I think we did go a little quick, which maybe worked to our disadvantage but.

I'm still on the fence about going again. I am leaning towards yes. One more time around. But it's so so hard to actually decide. Or commit. Or really do anything. To try again would be to ask for the bad times along with the good again.

Casually dating is something I've considered. I don't know if it's really for me, although I don't know. Maybe I should try it. Just. So many choices. It feels like there's so little time too. Always, time running out.

Appreciated as always WW.

[Radcliff]

It feels like there's so little time too. Always, time running out.

  Dude -- you're 22!  I remember when I started my first job and I was training with a bunch of guys in their mid-forties.  When they heard that I was 22, they just started laughing.  I thought they were laughing at me, but after passing through my mid-forties and welcoming 22 year-olds to the job, I realize they were laughing at themselves and how old they are!  You, my friend, have plenty of time.

Unless... .do you mean not enough time in the day?  To that, I'd say you need to make time for socializing, otherwise you're not getting the benefit of the time to build your relationship skill to end up in the best possible situation for you.

As for the decision on whether to go back for another go... .take some more time ;)

Regarding her searching for a DBT therapist, that's good news.  If she were to find one and get started, that might make another try more likely to be viable.  The DBT skills are learned by practicing the tools in everyday life, including relationships, so you might see potential improvements in action.

[PurpleFlower]

LOL I meant time in the day. Just feels like the days go by very quickly, but that is ok! I have plenty socialization planned for this coming week. That should help a lot.

She emailed last night just saying "friends?" And I replied with an email indicating that I wanted to try again. She replied that said basically she did too but right now she wants to stabilize and focus on self-esteem and doesn't feel ready for a relationship right now, so she wants to take it slow and ease back into it. I just emailed back saying I felt similar and would like to go slower this time, so is it ok if we just email for now? That's kind of the gist of it. The situation is still developing so when it has I'll provide another update. I am feeling somewhat good about trying again, but scared that "not ready for a relationship" is code for "I don't want you anymore. I just don't want to be alone so be my friend please." I guess we shall see.

[Radcliff]

Don't worry about the "friend zone" being a sign of rejection.  If you are keyed on whether or not she'll accept you, and you fall on your sword trying to get her to accept you, you won't be paying attention to whether or not she's right for you.  You need to believe what is certainly true -- you are an interesting, lovable person who could be a great lifelong match with many women.  Being confident of this is important to being able to make good relationship choices.

The "friend zone" is... .your friend in this situation ;)  You've learned a lot.  But keep studying.  There's a book, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, that is an excellent book on... .wait for it... .boundaries.  It's heavy on Bible references, but as a non-Bible-referencing guy I still found it quite valuable.  I've probably shared it already, but you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries.

And during the relationship hiatus, like a broken record, I will again refer you to The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Gottman.  Everyone should get it for their 22nd birthday ;)  It's a good look at what healthy relationships look like and should be required reading before starting to date ;)

Practicing boundaries in a friendship is easier than in a romantic relationship.  For example, if you end up talking on the phone or texting, and it's getting late and you're tired and would like to go to sleep, you should be able to tell your friend you're tired and want to go to sleep without worrying about losing the friendship.

What boundaries are important to you to keep if you are going to have a healthy friendship phase with her?

WW