Hi Sysyphus,
How is it going now? I wanted to share something based upon what he said to you.
Today he says I pushed him to do it cause I couldn't control myself. I can't say anything right.
Many members on the boards have heard this or similar things, even patterns of children with BPD. I heard it early on in another form: "you know what pisses me of, so just don't do it!" The problem is that it's a constantly shifting valuation target, driven by the unstable emotions of another.
Some simple questions are hard to answer. I was thinking yesterday that I'm not sure I know what domestic violence is. It's come up recently from a few members and I thought it might be helpful to talk about what it is and what it isn't in a general sense... .and what to do.
This was published on one public service site:
MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."
FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control. Their actions are very deliberate.
MYTH: The victim is responsible for the violence because she provokes it.
FACT: No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused regardless of what they say or do.
Though we talknow a lot here about validation and how to reduce conflict, violence crosses a line for which the abuser is responsible. It's possible he may feel guilt or shame, and being unable to deal with it, blame shifts it onto you. Ultimately, however, the blame lies with him. He's asserting control. You can't control him either, and I hope you're taking steps to be safe.
Turkish