setbacks

[malnot]

My first post.  d28 has been in therapy/treatment since 6.  Her early explosiveness, B&W thought process, anxiety, lack of motivation opened up my eyes to the fact that my eldest brother has BPD also.  He is currently estranged from the family and I am raising his daughter.

My girls are 23, 25, 26 and 28 years old.  The family I come from is/was a mess:  alcoholism (F), suicidal depression (M), narcissistic personality disorder (F) and BPD in my older brother.  d28 inherited the depression, substance abuse, and BPD. I am a recovering alcoholic sober since 1986.

Her sisters, despite earlier setbacks, are now thriving - good jobs, good friends, good living habits, travel, etc. High functioning. Her dad is a demanding, controlling man who hears that she has a mental illness but doesn't seem to understand it sometimes. 

Meanwhile my d28 continues to struggle mightily. She had been doing well, meds were working and she was working her programs and doing well. 

This summer her 30 yr old SO OD'd.  She found him when she came back home, called 911, resucitated him and he survived and is in NA.   However since then she has given up many of the things she was doing for herself (school, exercise, etc.) and is scared to let him out of her sight.  When she is not scared, she is angry at him.  They isolate and have poor living habits.  Co-dependency. 

I don't know what to do anymore.  Her anger has increased.  Family time is particularly triggering for her and this Christmas was bad.  What freaked me out is that she was so out of control with her anger that I saw my brother in her.  My brother does not admit to any problem.  My brother's BPD ruined many a holiday, everyone tiptoeing on eggshells. He was also emotionally abusive to me when I took his daughter into my house after she was removed from him by SS.  This Christmas I felt for the first time that she was turning into my brother.  The whole family knows about 'him.'  I cannot handle the concept that she is going to turn into him - it really freaked me out b/c of how destructive my brother was growing up. 

I also don't know how to handle the issues with her sister.  She has a poor relationship with d25 - anger between the two of them.  Her life is obviously so much different, smaller, more difficult and painful than her high functioning happy sisters that it breaks my heart.  I don't know how to handle the fact that, I feel, she will never be able to be happy.  I am panicking that she is nearing 30 and is not 'getting better.' She is very aware of her BPD and its effects on other people and miserable about her inability to function or control the anger that, in 2 seconds, manages to overwhelm her. 

My childhood family completely fell apart.  Now I see the beginning of the same thing in this family.  I cannot understand how my sweet, funny, smart girl with a huge heart is now turning into my 'terrible' brother.  I just can't.  I know that we are very fortunate that we have been able to provide her with treatment.  I don't what to do now.  I have always been her stalwart support but after Christmas I felt intense anger towards her.  But if she can't control her rages should I be angry?  Since childhood she has been the difficult, under achieving, socially awkward, anxious one.  My mother and my ex both called her lazy and said she only needed to discipline herself to do better.  If she didn't do as well in school as my ex thought she should, he would punish her.  She has told me she wishes her father and I had never had her.  How do I handle the pain of a child who finds her life so difficult that she wishes she didn't exist?  I don't know. 

Through my own experiences I know about the importance of self care.  I have friends, a supportive SO, and try to take care of myself (doesn't come naturally to me : ).  I just don't know how to deal with my pain.  There are days I sit on the couch, immobilized all day.

I grew up trying to save my mother, to protect her, to make her happy . When  I grew up and moved away seeing her phone number would trigger me to shaking.  Now seeing my d28's number makes me shake again.  I feel like I am reliving my childhood pain and it makes me want to scream and bang walls. 

Thanks for reading/listening.  There is no 'solution', no specific answer I need now.  I tend to isolate and realized that I need to turn to people for help.  That's why I'm here.  It's vey hard to talk to someone who does not have the same experience.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Etsy]

Hi Malwort, welcome   

Sorry to hear how you are feeling, are you receiving any counselling/therapy at the moment? I think that it is important, to have someone who understands BPD, to help you process your feelings, thoughts and emotions, especially under such difficult circumstances.(it can be a lonely journey on your own!)
Have you heard of family connections? They do an online 12 week program teleconference programme, which o found very good, supportive and understanding. It us so hard when you are on the receiving end of anger, the family connection programme teaches you strategies to cope and diffuse. There are also good articles on this site too. You are not alone and we have all had times, where we have felt isolated, not knowing how to keep our heads above water. I have found asking validating questions around the feelings and emotions to be helpful. It takes a lot of practice. Here is a link to a good article on validation.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance.

Sorry for short reply, short on time at the moment, but felt I wanted to respond.

Keep posting here! Thoughts are with you.
Etsy

[livednlearned]

I have a similar story to yours, malnot, including an older brother with likely BPD. Living through multiple generations of BPD and substance abuse is deeply, deeply exhausting and there are probably PTSD symptoms given how chronic and repetitive it can feel to be in these family loops.

It's not uncommon for families like ours to have a member who seems to express enough angst for a small village. And holidays are so messed up when you have a family whose emotions have been stunted by trauma and managed by drugs or whatever other addiction. I'm always so relieved when January rolls in.

What kind of programs was D28 working? I can only imagine how the OD must have temporarily derailed that work.

Does she continue to see a therapist?

[Etsy]

Malnot, sorry for typo on your name above ... blooming auto correct  !