I'm too scared to even open up the trash

[willy45]

Ack!

Sent an email to ex last week telling her it hurt me to be friends and if she cared about me and wanted to show kindness and friendship that she would stop contacting me and not respond to the email. It was nicely written. Nothing mean. Just saying I could not be friends because I found it too painful.

Lo and behold, I'm cleaning out my email trash and there is an email from het. I didn't open it but read the heading.  It said she got the email but no... . I didn't open it to read the rest. My heart jumped out of my skin. It is running a million miles an hour. I don't want to know what it says but I panicked and didn't delete. The heading on the email was Happy Easter.

Ack! I am freaking out. F#ck... .

[fromheeltoheal]

You said your peace and the rest is out of your control.  Muster the discipline to permanently delete the email unread and move on.  You said yourself it would be too painful, so don't do it, and start focusing away from her.

[willy45]

Yeah. Thanks. I'm too scared to even open up the Trash in my GMAIL. Stupid frigging GMAIL. Why can't it just delete emails instead of going to the trash. I'm going to stay away from it for now.

[AwakenedOne]

Yeah. Thanks. I'm too scared to even open up the Trash in my GMAIL. Stupid frigging GMAIL. Why can't it just delete emails instead of going to the trash. I'm going to stay away from it for now.

If you do decide to read it you might consider these two options:

1. Read it along with your T during a session.

2. Expect the worst basically of the letter. Prepare yourself so it doesn't phase you.

[willy45]

Yeah. Thanks. I don't even know what the worst would be.

The line I read said: I just got your email and have been thinking about it and no... .

(Side bar, if she just got the email, how could she have had time to think about it... . ).

I'm assuming that she is saying no to my no and she is going to continue after me. I don't know. Who the h*ll knows. What would be preparing for the worst? More guilt and shaming? A statement that she is going to continue to harass me? A list of all the things I have done wrong by her? I'm not sure it could really get any worse than what I've already been exposed to.

I guess the worst case scenario is that she is saying 'no' to my 'no'. I have reached out to mutual friends that didn't really believe me when I said she has been doing this for 2 years. I emailed them again last week after I sent the email to thank them for listening and to tell them I sent her a note saying that I didn't want to have her contact me again. The mutual friends were both very supportive of this and told me I should change my phone number. I guess a tactic could be to forward this email to them and get them to talk to her. I don't know. I just want this to F'ING END.

I am also concerned because a very, very high level person in the government is launching one of my projects in early May and I'm worried she will show up there. It is the biggest day of my professional life. Not too often that the President of the US launches a project on your behalf. MOTHER F'ER. AND I'M THE IDIOT THAT HELPED HER GET THIS JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE THAT WOULD ALLOW HER TO BE THERE! Lessons be learned to all you rescuer types. No good deed goes unpunished.

MOTHER F*CKER!

Sorry. SUPER DUPER PISSED RIGHT NOW. I CAN'T FRIGGING BELIEVE IT.

[AwakenedOne]

The only good thing that could be in the letter from your perspective is her saying she will leave you alone and wishes you good luck Willy etc... . Maybe just assume it said that and not read it. Don't let this stress you. Just think you got it going on man... . Important job and everything. Keep your thoughts free of her or to a minimum 1% of your brain space. You been doing great the last week right? Keep it up man. Hang in there. Just think about your job and your future supermodel girlfriend that you haven't met yet.

P.S. Hope the Easter Bunny was good to you this year with candy.  

[Narellan]

When I read you're email I thought you are engaging in her drama. You are enabling her again. You have given her back her power. The best thing is NC. We don't have to contact them to say we want no contact we just have to refuse to give it. And contacting others about it has created more drama. She will see this as a sign you're still hooked. That's just my .2 cents worth and my life's a F#*king mess so I'm really not worth listening to probably, but I would go cold turkey now. Delete the email unread and take back control by giving NC. Look at what it's done to your self by taking this action. Sometimes without knowing it I think we thrive on the drama and create unnecessary s#*t . Be strong and keep moving forward

[willy45]

Awesome. Thanks guys. You are right. I have broken up with her for 2 YEARS! This has been going on WAY too long. I will delete. And yes. Contacting her friends will cause more drama. I just don't want her showing up at my event.

And yes to future super model girlfriend! Provided she does not have BPD!

[willy45]

Yeah. And the email I sent was more for my sake than hers. I needed to draw the line again for my own well-being so that it was clear in my mind that any mire contact would be a violation. I figured it would be at least 2 or 3 months before she came around again. Not a week. And I know it's bullish#t that she just got the email. Mother f#cker. So pissed right now.

[Narellan]

I love reading your posts Willy. You always manage to make me smile and see the brighter side of things it's totally a mind f#*k isn't it? And yes I hope I'm not still where you are in 2 years :/ 4 months of sheer hell is enough for me. Can you get security for your event? Just a thought. And yes NC

[willy45]

Yeah. It is pretty funny. If I were to really break it down to what I miss the very most are her boobs. Yup. That is the really hilarious part. All this suffering for great boobs. That is really tremendously stupid. There's more for sure. Like the way she would display her boobs and the way her hair fell on her boobs. But mostly boobs. I wasn't even that into boobs before her. I'm not that shallow. She had other wonderful qualities which I have been able to find in other people. But I'm thinking that exchanging my mental well being for boobs is not a great deal.

[willy45]

And yes. F 2 years of this. It sucks. And it certainly points to stuff I need to work on for myself. I have many best friends. Great friends. This person obviously doesn't give a sh#t about me at all.

[willy45]

I have become a cautionary tale... . Go NC or go crazy.

[Narellan]

Haha yes but at least you're being upbeat about it all. Which means you're going to be ok. A lot of what ill miss are the intimate times and best sex of my life. But hey just a thought... Because they just mirror us that means I'm the bloody awesome one in bed

[Dog biscuit]

Hey Willy,

I recieved some nasty emails after the b/u, ( somehow he managed to get trough the email block). I asked a friend to read it and delete it for me. I asked the friend if there was anything important in the mail to tell me, otherwise not to share with me what was written. It worked. She didnt tell me anything and the mails got deleted. After that I deleted my email account.

Maybe you can ask someone to read and delete them for you?

[heartandwhole]

Hi willy45,

I agree with others that it's time to take your power back, which means focusing on you.  What she does is not your concern right now.  You have some really important events coming up, and I'd hate to see things go wonky because you were focused on her.

Sometimes we humans unconsciously sabotage ourselves and then blame it on... . you know who.  Focus on you, your project, and stop engaging with her (you are engaging by allowing yourself to be caught up in her behavior).

Freedom comes from detaching, my friend.  You can do it. 

[AwakenedOne]

Yeah. It is pretty funny. If I were to really break it down to what I miss the very most are her boobs. Yup. That is the really hilarious part. All this suffering for great boobs. That is really tremendously stupid. There's more for sure. Like the way she would display her boobs and the way her hair fell on her boobs. But mostly boobs. I wasn't even that into boobs before her. I'm not that shallow. She had other wonderful qualities which I have been able to find in other people. But I'm thinking that exchanging my mental well being for boobs is not a great deal.

This is my all time favorite post in the history of the world. 

[BacknthSaddle]

Yeah. It is pretty funny. If I were to really break it down to what I miss the very most are her boobs. Yup. That is the really hilarious part. All this suffering for great boobs. That is really tremendously stupid. There's more for sure. Like the way she would display her boobs and the way her hair fell on her boobs. But mostly boobs. I wasn't even that into boobs before her. I'm not that shallow. She had other wonderful qualities which I have been able to find in other people. But I'm thinking that exchanging my mental well being for boobs is not a great deal.

So perfect it is beyond words. I am going to print this, put it in my wallet, and look at it every time I start ruminating. Mine's boobs weren't even real!

[BacknthSaddle]

Although in all serious, I think what I loved even more than how my ex looked was how it felt for me being with someone who looked like that, having someone who looked that want me.  I think if I didn't have that flaw in my own self-esteem, I never would have gotten into a r/s with someone that unstable regardless of her appearance. Something for me to try to fix in myself.