Daughter in law likely with BPD

[Zoopa1234]

Hi
This is my first post on this site
My son has been married for close to 8 years. 
I bought the book stop walking on eggshells upon the recommendation of some members on another forum I have belonged to for the past 10 years or so. 
At this point without getting into details of the emotional & mental toll this past few years have been on me, I would love to get help in how to separate myself from her abuse.   & to create a healthy sense of self for myself.   
Where do I start?
Just when I think I’m ok, she says mean things to me & I cannot let it go.   
I know she is ill & the only way to survive and maintain my sanity & emotional well being is to let it go.     But I’m also human.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Zoopa
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us although sorry for the circumstances. It must be tough having a daughter in law who can't seem to help but say mean things about you.  It can be hard to just let it go. You are wise to put your own self care first. There is a lot you can do to keep your balance when a person with BPD is raging. I think a good place to start is with developing healthy boundaries. Unlike ultimatums, boundaries are about your own values and limits not the other person's behavior. Since you like to read here is a great article that explains how healthy boundaries work Setting Boundaries
I will be interested to hear what you think and whatever else you feel like sharing about your situation.
Hugs
Faith

[Zoopa1234]

Thanks for the reply faith
My role is very hard b/c I’m THE MOTHER IN LAW! Which makes any relationship at a disadvantage, BPD daughter in law or no BPD dil.  But after being a mother in law now for a few in law kids I see that my situation with this girl is far from typical.  Hence my being here in the first place.
When talks of setting boundaries Ive def starting doing that over the past say 6 months or so.  I just read tips on avoiding conflict on this site.   It’s very helpful & I need to still dance the dance of trying to anticipate triggers. I know with every situation that occurs, even before it happens, that there will always be a criticism, judgement & negative remark on her part toward me & how I’ve handled situations.   & b/c I’m the mother in law & not another relative I CANNOT respond how I would otherwise.  So what ends up happening is that I just ‘take’ what she says, & internalize it.   I do know where it’s coming from but still she always seems to get me in the gut.   
How can I enmesh myself.  Like practically, how?

[FaithHopeLove]

You are asking a very important question. Given that your dil's behavior is not likely to change how can you keep your own balance and not internalize all the awful things she says? One way I have found that helps me to not internalize the awful things my son says is by establishing healthy boundaries that have to do with living out my own values. This is an article that really helped me do that. See if it makes sense to you. Setting Boundaries

[livednlearned]

Hi Zoopa,

In my situation it's a step daughter and what you wrote about being the MIL rings true for me, too. I have had to learn to manage my own emotional reactivity and become more responsive so that I can have at least some type of relationship with her.

What are some of the triggers?

[Zoopa1234]

Thanks for the replies.
What are some of her triggers or mine?

[livednlearned]

I would love to get help in how to separate myself from her abuse.   & to create a healthy sense of self for myself.   Where do I start? Just when I think I’m ok, she says mean things to me & I cannot let it go.   

Your triggers. We all have them.

For me, I feel activated when I hear my H talking to SD22 on the phone.

So I'm learning to walk away or go outside or put on headphones.

I'm practicing mindfulness. I now have a definition of what feeling I am going for. Now, when I'm activated, I can drop into that place. I can try to create that feeling and put my efforts somewhere more proactive versus reactive.

It's hard work. I'm surprised how hard the work is 

Do you feel comfortable sharing an example of what happens?

[Zoopa1234]

I'd love to share an example. 
I'm a grandma as well.  they have 3 children, all boys, ages 7, 4 and 1.5 years. 
 i love watching them.   i think im a really good grandma too, take them to park, play with them, draw together, read books, bake together and have lots of fun. 
when they sleep over, rule is they can watch ONE video before bed for 30 min - arthur or franklin.  they slept over last friday night for 2 nights.  on sunday morn i had to take shower and let them watch a video while i was taking the shower. 

in the afternoon, i took my own child (age 14 years, special needs high functioning autistic spectrum) for school supplies.  on our way home, i got a text for my dil if i can take her older son for school supplies.  she texted me a photo of list of what was needed.  i KNOW before the get go that anything i buy will be questioned, judged etc.  but i know this ahead of time.  that's with everything in life anyway... but that list was huge and how could i say no to my own grandson? i took my 14 year old son home, and picked up my 7 year old grandson (my husband was watching both kids while i was out with my own).  when i got home, my hubs told me the 4 year old fell and was crying and he couldn't get him to stop.  just regular kid stuff.  i hugged the little guy a bit and told my hubs to let him watch a video for 20 min or so just to calm him down, which he did and it worked.  called my dil to ask her some questions about that ridiculous list (i was pissed cz it was so last minute and knew it would n't  be what she wanted) and she said - y don't u go to dollar store, staples is for rich people?  ummmmmm thinking, if you want to go to dollar store, y don't YOU take him?  went to staples and got what we needed.  70 bucks and 1 hour later.  she came to pick up kids later on.   she asked - what did you guys do all day?  what did child 2 do when you took child 1 for school supplies ?  child 1 proceeded to say that he watched a video.  she answers ' lovely' . and then says "my kids talked about how when they go to grandmas house how she lets them watch videos all day long!  now i see what theyre saying"
that is a trigger for me!
what does one say to all that?  she is not interested in hearing a reply anyway.  and when i do reply, she is not hearing me.  after that episode i want to crawl up into my bedroom and cry, which I did. 

[FaithHopeLove]

That is triggering. Can you think of another way of responding to her request/ demand about school supplies that may have left you feeling less lousy?

[Zoopa1234]

I can’t really think of another way i
Could have to replied to help me feel understood and validated. 
Like what could I have said ? Anything other than the answer she wants to hear she’s not gonna hear.
As it is, when grandson 1 told her that I was driving home with my 14 year old when I got her text  msg to take him, she stated ‘ so THATSS why you sounded so annoyed & bothered’.
He didn’t know i was upset with her.  I throughly enjoy spending time with him & shop with him.   
He was just telling her that coincidentally I was driving home from buying supplies and I picked him up to buy supplies again.  Ha ha very funny.

[FaithHopeLove]

Zoopa
I hear what you are saying about your daughter not being able to understand your limits. My BPD son struggles with empathy too. I imagine it is very difficult for someone to place themselves in someone else's shoes when their own shoes are breaking their feet. But my question isn't really about what you can say to her unfair demands that she will hear. It's more about you and your own self care. Namely what other ways of responding to her might feel better or at least less horrible to you. Here is a link to an article that I frequently like to show new members Setting Boundaries
It was one of the first things I read when I came here and it really helped me. It says boundaries are not ultimatums and setting them does not depend on the other person's behavior. Boundaries are about you staying true to your core values. It is soo easy to get caught up in the drama of a person with BPD that you we sometimes forget who we are and what we are willing and not willing to tolerate. So I am thinking this might help. Please take a look and let me know what you think. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TDD]

Dear Zoopa,
I was so very sorry to hear your story and I completely know how you feel. My son has been married to my dil for almost 7 years and it just gets worse and worse every year. I'm glad you have a relationship with your grandchildren (even though dil is always judging you!) because my husband and I don't get to see our grandchildren(ages 2, 3, 4, and 7) hardly at all. We saw them once in June and she was angry at us for something. We have no idea why since the last time we saw everyone was 11 months ago! I think she does it on purpose so she has an excuse to not see us. All 4 have summer birthdays so we had to meet our son to give them their gifts. Have never babysat or spent anytime at all alone with them. She won't let my son bring them to us because she is so controlling and my son just can't take the conflicts. I have tried very hard to live my life and not let her get to me, but just recently I was told she was posting extremely hurtful comments about me, and like you said, we are human and it hurts me to the soul. I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and it helps but is still so painful. I truly feel for you Zoopa and wish I had some good advice for you.
Sincerely,
TDD

[Zoopa1234]

I’ve read the ‘setting boundaries’
Have a question: do I need to communicate with her, like verbally state that ‘now I am setting boundaries’!
I think the answer is no. Just do it I for my own sanity.   Which I have done about 6 months ago when Something happened and I was DONE with this game/abuse of hers.  And it was working.  And I was not feeling guilty for saying no to things I couldn’t do and yes to the things I could do.   I felt freeeeee. 
So what happened? About a month ago she came over with kids & let me have it.   Out of no where.  When I thought al was good & natural & normal between us.   She started with’ for the last 8 years of my life I’ve always had to invite myself over.  Im sick and tired of this.   I HATE this about my life.  It’s just awful’.   I was like huh?    I tried to reply but she wasn’t looking for answers. She then said ‘ if I didn’t care about you so much I’d excommunicate me & children from you. People do that you know! ‘. After that I was done.   I could t talk, couldn’t even think.  I was soo hurt.  But she just carried on talking & shooting the breeze. After she left I couldn’t get back to myself.  When my husband came home and I told him he was LIVID.  That she said that and that she said that in front of her 3 kids.   but I did not get an apology.  Nothing.  It took me 2 days of lying in bed,
Crying, actually wailing, to get over that episode.   & that’s when I bought the eggshell book.   And it all made sense that she has BPD.  but you know what? I dont care that she does.  It doesn’t give her the right to abuse me.   Thinking about that now still make me so upset.   I thought I’d have a nervous break down at that time. 

[TDD]

I am with you Zoopa. I am so very sorry what you are going through and yes, you know she probably has BPD, but that does not give her the right to be cruel to you! My dil has left me crying so many times over her extremely hurtful comments, and I too am so tired of not saying anything and just accepting her terrible behavior. I seem to be her main target, but she has also gone after my two other sons, their beautiful girlfriends, my sisters, my husband's family, and so on and so on. Until she realizes she has a problem, I don't see a very bright future. But you and I have to take care of ourselves and be there for our sons and grandchildren. Thinking of you and praying for better days!
TDD

[FaithHopeLove]

Have a question: do I need to communicate with her, like verbally state that ‘now I am setting boundaries’!
I think the answer is no. Just do it I for my own sanity.

Right you are Zoopa. Just do it for your own sanity. You have every right to refuse to be abused by walking away, refusing to engage, or whatever else you need to do to maintain your own sanity.

[livednlearned]

I think the in-law piece does complicate things because your boundaries are likely to be met with tit-for-tat, and that could amount to something as serious as withdrawal of their whole family from your lives. Individuating is tough for someone with BPD so she will need everyone in the family to toe her line. If she's mad at you, then the rest of the family will have to be as well. To be sure that everyone complies, she may cut off contact.

Setting boundaries with my step daughter (22) had a tendency to drive her deeper into the relationship with her dad, my H. It was a way to test even the benign boundaries I was setting -- if you say no to me, I will get closer to my dad, who can't say no. That led to conflict between me and H and I was just miserable in a different way. SD22 is not an in-law but that LnL + H + SD22 triangle added some extra complexity.

I don't know how prevalent this dynamic is between bio parents and a BPD adult child. But in my blended family, I assume that there is a constant contest. SD22 is fighting for something, always, in every interaction, and she has to be victor. She either can't help herself or doesn't know any other way -- she has to test to see if people choose her over someone or something else. That means setting people up for a context whether one exists naturally or not. And the way she fights is subtle and almost undetectable except that it leaves a trail of conflict and in our dynamic it is often me getting a boot to the back of the head. I'm trying to learn how to move out of the way before the kick even lands.

With SD22, I became submissive without even really realizing it. She wants H's attention and she can't go about getting that overtly so it went underground and soon H and I were the ones experiencing conflict, with me trying to get him to do something about her when he was equally as submissive. We were a mess.

SD22 is a very kind, caring competent person and she is also ruthless, very adept at creating one-down positions with potential competitors for whatever it is she's fighting for. It comes from a place of incredible fragility but it packs a powerful punch when you're on the receiving end of it.

Because of the competitive nature of our relationship, which took me a while to acknowledge and fully accept, I no longer tip my hand or show my vulnerability like I did in the beginning. I am kind, respectful, pleasant, agreeable and I also have a fence around my feelings. For example, SD22 once said to me, "LnL, you have a long face. Is something bothering you?" With anyone else, this would be an opportunity to share what's going on. With SD22, I shrug it off because it will only hurt later on. "Is my face long? Huh." Then go back to what I'm doing or turn the conversation to something else.

I suspect your DIL pushes your buttons because she is well aware what hurts. The key is to figure out responses that will protect your buttons, not just the effects of those buttons being pushed.

I know it's hard. It's exhausting actually. And aggravating. I also believe we can find strategies that work to keep us in the game.

I have a friend who plays tennis and he describes the game as having an answer for every shot your opponent hits. It's kind of the same with someone who is constantly trying to win something. You have to have an answer for every move that your DIL has, or at least the ones that keep hitting you in the back of the head.

SD22 is having a hard time figuring out what to do with me right now. I am learning to have answers to her shots, one by one. She isn't used to it so right now she's on her heels, trying to figure out what's changed.

In your example, you mentioned that DIL got in a dig about the kids watching video games all day. Why not laugh at the joke? Because clearly it isn't true. "That's a laugh! I've heard some grandparents do that and I'm sure our guys would love it if we let them."

For me, the key is to not let resentment build up because them I'm a firehose of emotion and can't catch things in the moment when it's easier to respond naturally. Maybe we can help you think of ways to block some of the overtures that lead to resentment? I know that's been my struggle for the past years and I'm only incrementally getting better at it.

[Zoopa1234]

Thank you for replying
My tongue gets tied and brain freezes up when I get attacked. 
I see later that no matter what I answer, it’s never the right one.
Usually, when it’s a text I have more time to reply & think of what to say.   It’s still not a good comeback.
For example I remember last year she was always asking me where I go on my days off from work, what I do all day, where do I disappear for hours at a time, , what do I do in my free time etc etc etc.   Like SERIOUSLY? A few times she made some joke that I’m very sketchy and I have a double life Cz where do I go?   First of all, I don’t have to answer to a girl more than half my age & second of all it’s none of her gd business.   
Basically she is implying that if I have time to do xyz than I should have time to come and visit her & kids b/c I do nothing anyway.   I KNOW that’s what she wants & if I choose not to visit her and kids then I dont care About them. (She HAS actually stated that, it came blurting our when she couldn’t hold it when she was upset, I’m not just thinking that’s what she feels).
One day I got fed up & texted back to her about what  my super spy mission of the days was: grocery shopping, an exercise class & I still don’t remember...   She did not reply to THAT text and didn’t think it was funny.   
She doesn’t want to hear an answer to even a question she herself asks.  She just wants to get her voice heard & that’s that. When stuff like that Happens i feel like I’m in a lose - lose situation.  No matter what I say is the wrong answer. 

[FaithHopeLove]

She doesn’t want to hear an answer to even a question she herself asks

If she doesn't want to hear an answer anyway is saying nothing an option?