Introduction

[Barely hanging]

Hi, This is the first time I've participated in a forum so please excuse my lack of experience.  I am a 59 year old mother of a 28 year old daughter, my only child.  I divorced her father when she was 3, he split 2 years later and subsequently died of a drug overdose when she was ten.  I remarried when she was 5 and my husband adopted her.  She's been a difficult child for as long as I can remember, and now she's an exhausting adult.  She meets every criteria for BPD and everything that goes with that condition.  I'm spent, I want to give up, I want to disengage at this point in her life.  The issue is, of course, that this would be abandonment which would confirm to her everything she's afraid of.  As you can imagine we've tried everything we can think of to help her - individual therapists, therapeutic boarding schools, group therapy, family therapy, medication, tough love, soft love, talking, listening... .  All to no avail. 
She's a "hot" mess and is getting worse as she ages and sees her peers moving forward with their lives while she isn't.  She's recently begun to blame us for this and so we have constant drama and emotional upheaval every time there's contact ... .which is unavoidable unless we disengage which puts us back in the "catch 22" position.  We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.  I'm
beginning to feel hopeless and helpless about life, I have some recent medical conditions and I'm in physical pain about half the time which is really wearing me down. 
What's a person, who's trying to be a decent human being, supposed to do

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Barely hanging

Welcome to the community. 

I'm glad you've reached out for support, many parents are dealing with similar situations to yours, you are not alone in this. 

I'm sorry you have health issues and are in pain, it's really important we look after ourselves so I can understand you wanting to find resolution with your daughter and dealing with her behaviour. Is your daughter aware of your medical issues?

It's it is frustrating when they can't help themselves, I can understand you feeling spent, exhausted after all you've been through and looking how to step out of the drama and emotional upheaval every time there's contact. 

If your current approach is not working the advice is to change it, many members have success by doing so. Have you come across the tools to the right    that help improve the relationship and reduce conflict, they take practice and some may feel counterintuitive, have a look at don't react - respond with S.E.T and communicating boundaries and limits and let me know what you think?
I can understand how this feels like a catch 22 situation, by introducing some tools may effect the changes you are looking for.

Hugs to you   We look forward to hearing from you, we are here for you as you move forwards.

WDx

[Gorges]

Disengaging and letting her figure her life out is very different than abandoning her.  Abandoning her would be never seeing her again, taking all her pictures out of the house and pretending she is dead.  Disengaging would be only having contact with her if the interaction is pleasant and adult to adult.  With disengaging you are taking care of yourself and letting her take care of herself.  I am sure she will try and make you feel guilty but if she is 28, you have certainly earned the right to take care of yourself and not feed into her drama.

We disengaged when my daughter was 18.  It was painful and she made bad choices, but she now realizes that she is the one who needs to change.