dumped- what to do?/give up hope?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So i have been dumped for the third  time in the last month. All three times he sounded really serious and the last time we had a serious chat about why he resorts to dumping ( he says its because he felt i only paid attention to his major crisis and not when he is having regular bad days). anyways this break up was preceded by an argument whereby I cut him off and he was livid, he flipped and we parted on bad terms, he blocked me on everything and i tried to message him after apologising and this time he told me via text ( after 4 days of silent treatment) it was over and I should see this relationship doesn't work and he will end it properly (i.e in person) at some point but he has no desire to see me. It was very cold, He said he won;t change his mind this time. I always believe him when he says this but there is a little kernel of hope in me which I can't kill.

Should I give up all hope?

I really don't want this to be over I love him so much and genuinely just miss us having fun and was hoping when his exams were over  in a few weeksand he moved back to his family home for him to then seek help. Feels so close but so far.

[Miss Topaz]

So i have been dumped for the third  time in the last month. All three times he sounded really serious and the last time we had a serious chat about why he resorts to dumping ( he says its because he felt i only paid attention to his major crisis and not when he is having regular bad days). anyways this break up was preceded by an argument whereby I cut him off and he was livid, he flipped and we parted on bad terms, he blocked me on everything and i tried to message him after apologising and this time he told me via text ( after 4 days of silent treatment) it was over and I should see this relationship doesn't work and he will end it properly (i.e in person) at some point but he has no desire to see me. It was very cold, He said he won;t change his mind this time. I always believe him when he says this but there is a little kernel of hope in me which I can't kill.

Should I give up all hope?

I really don't want this to be over I love him so much and genuinely just miss us having fun and was hoping when his exams were over  in a few weeksand he moved back to his family home for him to then seek help. Feels so close but so far.

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[tired-of-it-all]

There is a difference in giving up hope and giving up on a relationship. 

This is such a sad way to go through life with all these games being played.  If he keeps coming back he never intended to stay gone.  He is playing a very mean, spiteful, and controlling game.  It leads to a miserable existence for both of you. 

We all need to live our lives and be happy regardless of what these people do.  I know that is very hard to do.  I certainly have not mastered it.  I have, however, improved greatly.  If we live well and don't allow ourselves to be manipulated, our partners will either get better or leave for good.  Either way we are better off.

[Stalwart]

Wouldn't it be good to just take the time and really give a good long think? Is this really what you want for the rest of your life, and I'm not saying that if you get back together there isn't hope of it getting better down the road. It's just this is what you know, and the future isn't.

It's hard for all of us to make the decisions at different times about staying or going but only you know if perhaps it wouldn't be better for you to explore different avenues.

There are relationships out there waiting for you that might just be more attuned to a life style that isn't as difficult and more fulfilling without the constant roller coaster ride to wake up to each day. The highs are great but the lows can just knock the wind right out you. Everything in life is about taking risks and chances, weighing them up and living in them for their full worth. Question is are you getting YOUR full worth out of the current relationship because somewhere out there in your future you could be.

I'm not encouraging you to quit, just to think about what's best for you ten years down the road and where do you see yourself in your present situation. Is it good, is it everything you've always hoped for, worked toward and wanted?


You have the choices, they aren't always easy but there's one thing for sure, regardless of the difficulty they are your choices to make, no one elses and you can stay if he comes back, go if you chose, meet someone else or live your life single. You just need to spend some time and think what's really best for you and have the courage to do it, regardles if he stays or goes.

I wish you the best of luck and that you make a good decision. 

[Miss Topaz]

There is a difference in giving up hope and giving up on a relationship. 

This is such a sad way to go through life with all these games being played.  If he keeps coming back he never intended to stay gone.  He is playing a very mean, spiteful, and controlling game.  It leads to a miserable existence for both of you. 

I feel that that was the case in the last break up but he is in such a stressful period. I just can't see him in such a cold light.  Tbh I feel he has split me black and doesn't realise the role he has to play, namely that it is him that needs help not 'us'.

Wouldn't it be good to just take the time and really give a good long think? Is this really what you want for the rest of your life, and I'm not saying that if you get back together there isn't hope of it getting better down the road. It's just this is what you know, and the future isn't.

It's hard for all of us to make the decisions at different times about staying or going but only you know if perhaps it wouldn't be better for you to explore different avenues.

There are relationships out there waiting for you that might just be more attuned to a life style that isn't as difficult and more fulfilling without the constant roller coaster ride to wake up to each day. The highs are great but the lows can just knock the wind right out you. Everything in life is about taking risks and chances, weighing them up and living in them for their full worth. Question is are you getting YOUR full worth out of the current relationship because somewhere out there in your future you could be.

I'm not encouraging you to quit, just to think about what's best for you ten years down the road and where do you see yourself in your present situation. Is it good, is it everything you've always hoped for, worked toward and wanted?

I want to be with him long term but I have always explained he will need to get help before I committed to him in terms of marriage. He was only aware he may have BPD in the last 6 months and it hasn't been explored by his inept GP. I was hoping he would be able to seek help with another GP in the next few months when he moves from uni back to his family home.

It can be very easy to lose myself in this however whenever we split I try and feel free but instead I just miss him. I hate the rollercoaster yes but I don't feel I can let go. We were best friends first so I miss him on that level also. At this point I am tempted to meet up with him and calmly explain that I am not at fault and only accept it if that doesn't work... .

[Miss Topaz]

I forgot to say thanks so much for replying. I am often feeling desperate when I post but have to wait a while to get anything back

[tired-of-it-all]

Something that I have a hard time remembering is that I deserve better.  You deserve better.  You deserve a happy life.  People all around us are happy.  You deserve that also.  When we spend all of our emotions dealing with these people, it sucks the life from us and makes us think that we are nobody and that we deserve the mistreatment. 

You deserve a better life.  A life without a partner is better than a life with an abusive, BPD partner.

[SweetCharlotte]

I'll put in a good word for riding it out if that's what you want to do. My uBPDh refuses to seek therapy, so I go instead. It has helped a lot, along with this board. He no longer gives me the silent treatment or cuts off all contact (though married, we are LD) like he used to do every few weeks.

So I think there's hope of it getting better or at least more stable. If you are here, it's because you love him and you would probably rather put up a fight than give up. This can work as long as you have certain boundaries for stuff you will not accept.

[Miss Topaz]

I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. So I am back on board, after long talks and making up (i.e we are back together), the urgency of him going to therapy is clear... . I think I can only wait till September for him to do something new (therapy or joining a support group or something similar). I feel a little different in that I worry more he won't ever see the urgency (although he is delaying he is starting to see the need) but I am still holding out on hope.

I

Something that I have a hard time remembering is that I deserve better.  You deserve better.  You deserve a happy life.  People all around us are happy.  You deserve that also.  When we spend all of our emotions dealing with these people, it sucks the life from us and makes us think that we are nobody and that we deserve the mistreatment. 

I needed to read this, even though I am sticking it out for now, I needed to read this  just for my own personal validation. I have not given up hope.

I'll put in a good word for riding it out if that's what you want to do. My uBPDh refuses to seek therapy, so I go instead. It has helped a lot, along with this board. He no longer gives me the silent treatment or cuts off all contact (though married, we are LD) like he used to do every few weeks.

So I think there's hope of it getting better or at least more stable. If you are here, it's because you love him and you would probably rather put up a fight than give up. This can work as long as you have certain boundaries for stuff you will not accept.

Thanks for this I am starting therapy for myself ( my own issues, only some of which relate to this) so hopefully that will help. I do love him and I do hold hope for greater stability or a return to a point where it was  more stable because he was getting free counselling at university.

[Miss Topaz]

sorry still getting the hang of this site

'

I needed to read this, even though I am sticking it out for now, I needed to read this  just for my own personal validation. I have not given up hope' was in response to 'tired of it all'.