BP parents.

[foggydew]

I'm feeling angry, and don't really know what to do with my anger. I spent 2 weeks with my BP person's mother, and it became clear to me how disregarded and belittld he is/has been all his life. He is her son from a previous relationship, and his father commited suicide when he was just a baby. She married again and there were further children from this marriage.

Apart from her 'forgetting' him when asked how many children she had, she also found it perfectly normal that he does not have an equal share in any inheritance, though he has never known any other father. Constant criticism is supposed to make him socially acceptable. The other children receive more visits and attention, and visits to him are cancelled at short notice... he is really shown how unimportant he is. It makes my blood boil. Particularly as similar things happened to my husband's children from his first marriage - one child is now dead and the second has a mental illness. How can so called 'christian' parents deal with children, who are so dependent on them, in such a way?

My BPD person seems to be stuck in an early level of emotional development (when he realised he was unwanted?) and swings between idealising his mother and putting her down. She seems to have no idea about what is wrong with him ... he's just an unstable person to her. She doesn't even really want to know anything. The son is the problem, she thinks.

She and her husband have accepted me, although I am really totally different from them. I don't know if it would achieve anything if I talked to her about their attitude to him. He is still pretty desperate to be accepted. The more accepted he feels, the quieter and more normal he seems to become. I've been a kind of midwife for the relationship between him and his mother ... I once told her that if she couldn't accept him as he is, she should go home and leave him alone. She stayed, and at least a superficial relationship is now there.

Oh, and of course there was all the physical abuse too.

Now, how can I deal with this?

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[an0ught]

Hi foggydew,

congratulations at peeling back a layer of what has been contributing the the problem. BPD exists without his parents but their attitude certainly is not helpful and may well be promoting it.

One problem you face is that behavior is hard to change. And another one may well be that your understanding of the dysfunction of this family could be only scratching at the surface. Physical abuse can be an indication of some deeper problems than just not valuing him.

Asking them to value him more is not going to make much impact if you can make any impact at all. A risk may be that advice from you will not be accepted and possibly harden their stance. At that age fundamental re-thinking will be hard. This is not saying accept all. Just think hard what you actually can change and whether it is worth the effort. In some areas you may be able to affect change but the main improvement need to come from elsewhere.

Acceptance from parents is important. Self acceptance is critical. The two are linked. But we can't force the former so what is left is working on the latter. It may be something to work on in therapy. Of course your acceptance is critical too.

Tolerating lack of respect is incredibly corrosive to your self image. Here boundaries can work wonders. And unlike the boundaries between you and him the boundaries between you as a couple and his parents are a fair topic to discuss with him. While ultimately it is the relationship between him and parents you are also impacted by sudden schedule changes so you are violated here too. Your leadership, you sharing true and sensible emotions, validating his, you helping to set boundaries and getting through extinction bursts can help him learning to set boundaries and be less vulnerable to abusive behavior. My MIL has a knack for creating drama and it resulted in tears every time - not anymore - we put together a stop to it and my wife got a lot stronger and independent as a result.

Btw - it going to be hard to value him if he is not respected... . A lot of people here want to regain love and will be stuck until they got the pre-condition of respect back in place.

[foggydew]

Thanks for your reply. You are totally right, of course. Not much I can do except deal with myself. BP is working away from home, and we have little contact at the moment, so I'm feeling a bit lost and then tend to dwell on things - we aren't a couple but do have a close relationship, I'm the closest person he has. Back to work on me, and thanks so much.