Mediation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been awhile since I posted. I've been reading through posts and as always find this board to be so helpful.

I requested mediation be pushed up from Oct to July after my stbx hacked into our router, changed the passwords and then took me off the cable bill to make it that much more fun to resolve... .I'm over this. I've been no contact since Nov. He text and phone in Dec when I tried to have him served the first time. I didn't respond and have held strong to no contact, which has been easy 90% of the time. The other 10% is when he acts out like this and I have to sit on my hands because I want to ring his neck, but I stand by my boundaries.

I have to say I'm having a bit of anxiety as the mediation date gets closer. I'm over 40K into this divorce already with discovery and the ongoing battle of enforcing court orders. He agreed to mediation but didn't want me to put the house on the market. I want to get a move on things now that my kids are out of school. He wants to be in control.

Mediation issues are:

1. Seperation date... .he is saying we split up 2 years prior to when we really did.

2. He wants me to take his debit which was a combination of unreimbursed biz expense reports and a boat trailer. Turns out they were not biz expenses... .but rather spending on his girlfriend with whom he moved in with prior to our split with out me knowing. (He works in a different state that we had an apartment in and would travel home to our main residence on the weekends).

3. Retirement needs to be split up on both ends.

4. The house (he's saying its his separate property now, because he's saying he bought it after we split based on his bogus separation date. I have funds in the house from my first home I had prior to marrying him, this is the third home we bought together so I'm not sure how thats going to fly at mediation)

5. Spousal support (he doesn't want to pay, I need spousal support in order to finish school so I can go back to the industry I left in support of his career and to qualify for a home loan so I can buy something once our home sells)

The only other potential issue is that his daughter resides with me. We both have kids from other marriages (me a son, him two daughters) but I raised his and his youngest (19) daughter and I are bonded and she continues to live with me and will move with my son and I when this is over and will be living with me until she graduates from college. She knows I won't let her down.

I'm worried we won't be able to resolve things and I know what my hard line is, but I really don't want the expense of trial if we can't resolve things. Has anyone gone to trail and what typically happens with court cost in a trial situation? He has run up my legal bills and while I've been award some legal fees (he has a judgment and hasn't paid) I  want to know if theres any hope of being awarded legal fees if we go to trial? He makes 400K a year... .my dad is paying my legal fees. I just want this to be over.  I have so many good things going on in my life right now and so many great things happening this fall that I just want to get this behind me and get settled with my family.

I'm also struggling with whether or not I want to even see him at mediation. Part of me wants to avoid him and the other part of me wants to look right thru him like he doesn't exist. I'm not sure I trust myself to keep my mouth shut either, I really think he's a piece of work (and a sociopath) and I'm pretty sure that if I open my mouth nothing nice will come out. And I don't want to give him any satisfaction what so ever. I think he's a horrible person and the damage he caused with his behavior and ongoing lies is disgusting to me.

[knowledgeseeker]

It's been awhile since I posted. I've been reading through posts and as always find this board to be so helpful.

I requested mediation be pushed up from Oct to July after my stbx hacked into our router, changed the passwords and then took me off the cable bill to make it that much more fun to resolve... .I'm over this. I've been no contact since Nov. He text and phone in Dec when I tried to have him served the first time. I didn't respond and have held strong to no contact, which has been easy 90% of the time. The other 10% is when he acts out like this and I have to sit on my hands because I want to ring his neck, but I stand by my boundaries.

I have to say I'm having a bit of anxiety as the mediation date gets closer. I'm over 40K into this divorce already with discovery and the ongoing battle of enforcing court orders. He agreed to mediation but didn't want me to put the house on the market. I want to get a move on things now that my kids are out of school. He wants to be in control.

Mediation issues are:

1. Seperation date... .he is saying we split up 2 years prior to when we really did.

2. He wants me to take his debit which was a combination of unreimbursed biz expense reports and a boat trailer. Turns out they were not biz expenses... .but rather spending on his girlfriend with whom he moved in with prior to our split with out me knowing. (He works in a different state that we had an apartment in and would travel home to our main residence on the weekends).

3. Retirement needs to be split up on both ends.

4. The house (he's saying its his separate property now, because he's saying he bought it after we split based on his bogus separation date. I have funds in the house from my first home I had prior to marrying him, this is the third home we bought together so I'm not sure how thats going to fly at mediation)

5. Spousal support (he doesn't want to pay, I need spousal support in order to finish school so I can go back to the industry I left in support of his career and to qualify for a home loan so I can buy something once our home sells)

The only other potential issue is that his daughter resides with me. We both have kids from other marriages (me a son, him two daughters) but I raised his and his youngest (19) daughter and I are bonded and she continues to live with me and will move with my son and I when this is over and will be living with me until she graduates from college. She knows I won't let her down.

I'm worried we won't be able to resolve things and I know what my hard line is, but I really don't want the expense of trial if we can't resolve things. Has anyone gone to trail and what typically happens with court cost in a trial situation? He has run up my legal bills and while I've been award some legal fees (he has a judgment and hasn't paid) I  want to know if theres any hope of being awarded legal fees if we go to trial? He makes 400K a year... .my dad is paying my legal fees. I just want this to be over.  I have so many good things going on in my life right now and so many great things happening this fall that I just want to get this behind me and get settled with my family.

I'm also struggling with whether or not I want to even see him at mediation. Part of me wants to avoid him and the other part of me wants to look right thru him like he doesn't exist. I'm not sure I trust myself to keep my mouth shut either, I really think he's a piece of work (and a sociopath) and I'm pretty sure that if I open my mouth nothing nice will come out. And I don't want to give him any satisfaction what so ever. I think he's a horrible person and the damage he caused with his behavior and ongoing lies is disgusting to me.

[ForeverDad]

I just want this to be over.  I have so many good things going on in my life right now and so many great things happening this fall that I just want to get this behind me and get settled with my family.

A quick fix may not be a better fix.  Years from now you may look back and say, "If only I had let things play out a little longer."

I'm not saying mediation won't work, but it seldom does early in a divorce case, the stbEx is just too entitled and too too full of self.  An observation often made is that settlement offers can get better just before a major event such as a hearing or trial.  That's because a court decision is usually "less unfair" to you than a settlement offer.

Yes, letting things plod along closer to a trial can be expensive and stressful.  Picture yourself 5 or 10 years down the road.  (In other words, remove yourself from the middle of this emotional dilemma.)  Would you be satisfied that you ended it quick, even if you walked away from a less unfair outcome?  Or would you say, I should have gotten court to order support during the divorce, order that he pay for my career education/certification, order an appropriate division of the finances (assets and debts) and since he earns so much more than me then order that he pay the legal fees?  (FYI - Legal fees are usually much higher than the court costs.)

Have you already tried to get temporary support and education expenses from the court.  Most cases to have the court making an initial temporary court order that often lasts the length of the divorce process.  If you can get a good or at least decent order then some of the pressure ought to be lessened.

[knowledgeseeker]

and since he earns so much more than me then order that he pay the legal fees?  (FYI - Legal fees are usually much higher than the court costs.)

Have you already tried to get temporary support and education expenses from the court.  Most cases to have the court making an initial temporary court order that often lasts the length of the divorce process.  If you can get a good or at least decent order then some of the pressure ought to be lessened.

I would like him to pay my legal fees since he's the one that has ran up the legal fees by not adhering to court orders. My lawyer asked if I wanted to ask for any other concessions and that we will speak this week, can I ask that he pay part of my legal fees to date? I guess I just assumed that unless we were going to court or trail I couldn't ask for legal fees.

He was ordered to pay temporary support and pay the mortgage and utilities etc, basically status quo ... .part of the cost of my legal bill has been trying to get him to pay the whole amount of temp support and pay on time. He pays what he feels when he feels like it, not when the court said he needs too. We have to threaten contempt of court every time before he pays and then all the bills get late fees added and shut off notices or lien notices sent out and its a big pain in the butt and I'm convinced he does it intentionally to drive up the lawyer cost since he knows my dad is paying and he wants to bleed him.

[ForeverDad]

You dad is paying?  No, he isn't.  Huh?  This is why... .Every time when communicating with your lawyer, his lawyer, him, court, etc, you phrase it as, "My father is loaning me the money I need.  I plan to repay him when possible.  Since stbEx's actions are causing greater legal expense, I have to ask for him to pay my legal expenses.  Meanwhile I need stbEx to comply with orders."

He has gotten away with a few Contempts by paying before it got to court, court typically will turn a blind eye to a few instances, but probably now is a good time to wrap it all up in a motion demonstrating his pattern and its consequent impact on you.  Considering his high income, the court will be more likely to be peeved than feeling sorry for him.

My income is much lower, solidly in the 5 digit bracket.  When I was in divorce, we each paid our legal fees.  My ex didn't make much money but I'm sure her lawyer expected to be paid once we divided the marital assets.

[knowledgeseeker]

You dad is paying?  No, he isn't.  Huh?  This is why... .Every time when communicating with your lawyer, his lawyer, him, court, etc, you phrase it as, "My father is loaning me the money I need.  I plan to repay him when possible.  Since stbEx's actions are causing greater legal expense, I have to ask for him to pay my legal expenses.  Meanwhile I need stbEx to comply with orders."

He has gotten away with a few Contempts by paying before it got to court, court typically will turn a blind eye to a few instances, but probably now is a good time to wrap it all up in a motion demonstrating his pattern and its consequent impact on you.  Considering his high income, the court will be more likely to be peeved than feeling sorry for him.

Its been stated in my interrogatories and on court documents from the start that its a loan from my dad that I will need to pay back and is included in my financial declaration as a debit as well. We did file a motion to enforce and on several issues that went in our favor and were awarded partial attorney fees on that which he of course hasn't paid and is now a judgement on file against him accruing interest. Even with the motion to enforce he still hasn't complied with what the court said he needed to do. Rules don't apply to him, he simply doesn't care and if his lawyer tells him otherwise he just doesn't respond to his lawyer. He's on his second lawyer. He's also never once showed up for a court hearing, his lawyer shows up solo. I'm wondering if he will try and do mediation over the phone so that he doesn't have to show up in person. While he's good at creating conflict, drama and chaos he doesn't want to show his face. I equate it to the great and powerful OZ hiding behind the curtain.

I estimate he has spent maybe 10K on legal fees based on his bank statements sent during discovery. I'm in school for worker retraining and have no income, other than the temp support. I was teaching for a hobby business (I was trying to make into a profitable business) that I started a year ago but I can't support myself on that and need to go back to what I was dong prior to quitting my job in support of his career which required us relocating twice. He has the means to pay, and he can recover economically quicker than I can, so I think I should ask for him to pay my legal fees or half of them at mediation. I guess it can't hurt to ask right?

[ForeverDad]

If you don't ask, you won't get it.  If you do ask, you might.  No harm in at for trying.  Every reason to ask, nothing stopping you.

As for moving the scheduled dates sooner, that's wise.  Delays too often favor the one misbehaving.  Keep the case moving along.

[knowledgeseeker]

If you don't ask, you won't get it.  If you do ask, you might.  No harm in at for trying.  Every reason to ask, nothing stopping you.

As for moving the scheduled dates sooner, that's wise.  Delays too often favor the one misbehaving.  Keep the case moving along.

Thank you ForeverDad! I appreciate your feedback!