Anyone ever experienced a BPD genuine apology?

[Hope0807]

Has anyone ever experienced the return of a BPD demonstrating genuine empathy or awareness of the massive destruction they have left you with?

I'm out of the house for a few months now, still reeling on a daily basis at how this all unfolded.  I thought I was the only one feeling like my uBPDxh had detached in the blink of an eye and like I was being forced to figure out how to move on as if the past 7 years never happened.  Through this site I don't feel alone in those thoughts, but regardless of what I've read, I struggle to believe that the human being I was convinced possessed an incredible amount of empathy will continue to move forward and never contact me to acknowledge the horrible pain he has inflicted.

[Hopeless777]

I was married for 27+ years and never got an apology. I'm 2.5 months out and never expect to receive one either.

[trappedinlove]

I did, sort of. At least an acknowledgement and an explanation.

It went like this: "I see that you are suffering. I'm sorry that I can't give you what you want, and you deserve it. This causes me to feel so guilty and I can't tolerate that so I have to remain distant".

That pretty much sums up the tragedy of BPD.

You want to be close.

It freaks me out.

You suffer because I can't get close to you.

I feel guilty.

I can't handle guilt.

I'm ashamed that I'm incapable.

I'm a bad person.

How can you want to love a bad person like me?

I'm angry at myself and at you.

Just go now, you're making me feel bad.

[mitchell16]

yeah, " Im sorry I lied but it was your fault cause I couldnt tell you the truth" this was reference to going to met her ex boyfriend while telling me she was visting a family memebe out of town Or  " im sorry I said what i said to you but you made me" this after she raged at me. so I guess Thats about as good as it gtes.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Actually mine said "I'm sorry for everything" and ":)on't blame yourself". I believe they were genuine but both seemed like jokes after all that I've been through. She blamed me for everything for years and I blamed myself for years. I want something she can't give me. Her to be honest enough with herself to express a semi-detailed apology. But you know, I'll take what she gave me, it's just hard to accept until I'm healed.

[Aussie JJ]

Mine in a deep deep moment of shame actually said, "I cant control it, I want to but I can't, it hurts so much, you don't know how much pain I'm in" 

She knows she just suppresses it, I cant be angry at her because of this, frustrated, dumbfounded, angry I cant do it. 

[rg1976]

I did, sort of. At least an acknowledgement and an explanation.

It went like this: "I see that you are suffering. I'm sorry that I can't give you what you want, and you deserve it. This causes me to feel so guilty and I can't tolerate that so I have to remain distant".

That pretty much sums up the tragedy of BPD.

You want to be close.

It freaks me out.

You suffer because I can't get close to you.

I feel guilty.

I can't handle guilt.

I'm ashamed that I'm incapable.

I'm a bad person.

How can you want to love a bad person like me?

I'm angry at myself and at you.

Just go now, you're making me feel bad.

This is EXACTLY my experience as well. 

[peiper]

No never. She would blow right past what she had done like it never happened.

[topknot]

Agree with trappedinlove.  Never got "I am sorry", though, just "I can't give you what you want".  Guilt that the situation he is in now is because of me - look at what you did to me, Topknot, poor me... .I have asked him directly to at least apologize to my children, who helped him with so, so much manual labor for free.  Nope, I am the one that caused it, so too bad my children are in the middle.  You can never win.

[Blimblam]

I have gotten her to admit she was selfish that she made mistakes.  This is when she feared I would cut off all contact.  She never gave a heartfelt apology followed by actions to show she meant it. There was never any real effort to make amends.  It makes it so much harder because I know If she did those things I would have forgiven her.  I hoped and hoped she would.  She never did and I never recycled because of it.  The heartfelt apology was the empathy test and she failed miserably.

[Lolster]

You want to be close.

It freaks me out.

You suffer because I can't get close to you.

These 3 can also apply to how I feel re the exBPD.

He wants to be close to me, I don't want to be close to him because I see his issues.

It freaks me out, because he views intensity as intimacy (but I never bothered explaining this because he doesn't listen, has a nasty habit of processing the bits he likes and discarding the bits he doesn't, he simply doesn't understand that intensity is NOT the same thing).

He suffers because I can't get close to him, (refer to point one) and his abandonment issues kick in. 

He did come back after 6 years with an apology.  Was it heartfelt and genuine? No, I don't believe it was, he just needed someone/something to cling to and to feel like the things he did at the end of our 1st relationship were acceptable because he couldn't live with his own behaviour.  He came back looking for validation in my opinion, because he couldn't live with the thought of me hating him.  I didn't hate him, I never thought of him at all, and that was probably just as distressing for him. 

[Caramel]

Yes. Once. When we were saying goodbye for the last time. He had broken up with me and had asked me to leave the country. I was packing to go to the airport. He had just made me cry by saying that it was the best decision for everyone that I was leaving. That he was going to be relieved once I was gone.

Now he was walking around looking very stressed and shattered. He came and lied down and put his head on my lap. He said "I've hurt you so much."

I said to him as I was caressing his head that I knew he loved me and I knew that he tried. I honestly believe that he did. That was the best he could do. I didn't know about BPD back then but I knew his mind played tricks on him. He said:

"No. I did't love you. If I did I wouldn't have made you cry the last time we are together. I'm a bad person. Caramel, will you forgive me?"

I said yes. He said "Then I promise I won't do it again to anyone."  :'(

[Tibbles]

Very rarely. The standard apology was "I hate to see you hurt (which I believe is true but came to mean nothing) and I'm sorry for the part I played BUT (always a but) I reacted the way I did because any normal person would have reacted the same way when faced with such terrible ... ." and he would go on and outline in wonderful detail all the terrible things I'd done. Another common BUT was I "left him no choice because I'm such a ... ." Apologies with a real sting in the tail!

[imstronghere2]

My exwBPD never really felt remorse for anything she did.  She felt shame and possibly guilt (not sure about that one though) but no true remorse. 

Once before she moved out, during an agonizing emotional episode, I asked her "Would you at least say you're sorry?"  To which she replied "Why?  It won't change anything."

And she said it very cold and unfeeling.  Just stating a fact.

I'm glad she's gone.

[camuse]

Mine sometimes said "I behaved badly" or words to that effect. But never sorry. That was all I wanted. Recognition of the hurt shed caused. But it was too much to ask.

[Caredverymuch]

Has anyone ever experienced the return of a BPD demonstrating genuine empathy or awareness of the massive destruction they have left you with?

I'm out of the house for a few months now, still reeling on a daily basis at how this all unfolded.  I thought I was the only one feeling like my uBPDxh had detached in the blink of an eye and like I was being forced to figure out how to move on as if the past 7 years never happened.  Through this site I don't feel alone in those thoughts, but regardless of what I've read, I struggle to believe that the human being I was convinced possessed an incredible amount of empathy will continue to move forward and never contact me to acknowledge the horrible pain he has inflicted.

No I have not. Still waiting for that. Not once.

[Lolster]

Mine sometimes said "I behaved badly" or words to that effect. But never sorry. That was all I wanted. Recognition of the hurt shed caused. But it was too much to ask.

Yes, that's familiar to me too.  My BPD B.S. detector translates this as "Ooops, you called me out on my behaviour, therefore I will recognise that fact to make you think my behaviour will change."  And it may, for very brief interludes, but only until the mask slips again. 

[BacknthSaddle]

Not really. I have on occasion gotten "I'm sorry for how I treated you," but there has been something condescending and self-service about it. Like "I'm a better person now than when I was with you, so I apologize." Also, if I actually said "what about how you treated me are you sorry for," she wouldn't be able to answer. She knows it was wrong only by gauging my reaction, the way a kid learns.

[Boss302]

She's never apologized for anything she ever did. Not once. In fact, what I remember most clearly was an incidence when she got arrested for felony check fraud and tossed in jail. She had been driving with our daughter (who was then six) in the car, and got pulled over for some minor traffic infraction, and when the cops pulled her record, they found an arrest warrant, and hauled her away... .in front of our daughter. I found out about it a few hours later at work, and had to then figure out how to bail her out (I had no idea what to do). It took most of the afternoon. When I got to the jail, I was expecting her to need some serious emotional support, but all she did was give me a hard time for "taking so long" to bail her out. And she never apologized once... .not for doing something that got her arrested, not for getting arrested in front of our child, not for the atrocious way she treated me... .

And since then she's bounced numerous checks in amounts that are also felonies. Right before I left her (which was about 7 years later), she constantly threw "you'll never forgive me" in my face. Mother Teresa probably would have forgiven her. But I'm not a saint. I'm a human being, and sometimes we human beings need to see some changes before we forgive.

It was funny when Fonzie couldn't do apologize... .not so funny when it's someone you were married to!

[Saphire20]

I get the most elaborate, in depth, apologies from my BPD ex. This is when all other contact has been diminished. He can even pin point his wrong doing and almost seem sincere. However, if you re-read it there are many condescending messages... underlining blame and lots and lots of excuses for his actions. I'm attempting to stay strong with NC because well, I know the cycle and pattern. His ACTIONS never change. 

[outside9x]

Hi I did,

But I feel it was more about her filling her own needs then really feeling remorse.  After treating me like crap and raging etc, and all the splitting I finally left, the cheating (being on a dating site) and refusing to leave it, I asked her nicely) and telling me "No one tells me what to do or say" speaks volumes on how she felt about me (US) and the relationship. 

SO, I left and then about 6-7 months later, (yeah took that long) and never really acknowledging the problem by saying I was sorry about being on the dating site etc, etc, she calls and wants to meet up.  I agree, since I am badly in need of being with her. 

Then I changed my on the phone remembering all the break ups and how I would go back and she would treat me like crap again.

SO, she tells me, I know I been a mean b___ and treated you badly, I get that, and I am trying to find out why I did, and I am going to get counseling (she did that off and on) to find out why I have lack of trust with you, (I adored her, and I have a proven track record of loyalty etc all my life) and again she professed how badly and mean she treated me and wanted to make that up and was sorry for it and it will never happen again.  It was POWERFUL!

I heard the tears before, and I ran back, and it was very very hard not to that time, but I didn't.  I also pictured us back in love, and making love etc, but I had to be strong since this happenned before, and usually she blamed it on wrong prescription doses or too much drinking etc or being a bit insecure.

I think, though it was very very hard for me not to meet her, as she cried on the phone to meet her, but she did it before, and that only brought more pain and the same behavior on her part.

I know this is tough , since I still feel the urge towards her.  DOn't believe them.  I guess, as most is they have to realize they need help.  If I heard she was getting DBT or soemthing like that and really commited to do that.  (GOOD LUCK IF THEY CAN) Then I would have probably stub my toe again. 

[outside9x]

Hi just want to add that even if she did truly mean it , and I think mine did, that's for the moment (from my experience) and if they are truly BPD (and sometimes we want to believe they are not, especially, when they are "splitting good", or controlling their emotions to hold on, they will eventually revert to who they are , unless they get some help!

Yes, we always hope they can be what we see them to be at times.  It's very very sad for all!

[Lion Fire]

For me there was never a solid and genuine apology.

She once admitted to "acting disgustingly" and another time she said a feeble and dismissive sorry. both times she immediately switched over to justification mode and put her "reactions" down to my behaviour. She would admit to inappropriate behaviour but always deflected the actual cause to me somehow 

Any attempts she made to apologise were soft and unconvincing.

I'm certainly not holding my breath

[Infared]

Has anyone ever experienced the return of a BPD demonstrating genuine empathy or awareness of the massive destruction they have left you with?

I'm out of the house for a few months now, still reeling on a daily basis at how this all unfolded.  I thought I was the only one feeling like my uBPDxh had detached in the blink of an eye and like I was being forced to figure out how to move on as if the past 7 years never happened.  Through this site I don't feel alone in those thoughts, but regardless of what I've read, I struggle to believe that the human being I was convinced possessed an incredible amount of empathy will continue to move forward and never contact me to acknowledge the horrible pain he has inflicted.

If the person is truly BPD... .I would have no expectations... .and if for some reason you do get a return with empathy, I would be VERY suspicious/careful.  For your on survival.  pwBPD are very self-centered, so if any kind of a return happens, it means that they are in fear that whatever they have going on is not working out. It is not about them caring or apologizing to you and having empathy it is just a manipulation for their immediate needs. Sorry that is so cynical... .but that is what I experienced.

[Green_eyes]

My BPD ex fiancé has said he was sorry and admitted he was ashamed if himself several times throughout or relationship. Most recently he said reading my protection order statement and seeing all the damage he caused in writing helped him to understand what he needs to do to get better. A big part of me wants to believe those words and believe that he can get better for me and our baby.

Unfortunately after not responding or giving in to his desires to be a family again one day or always have a room in our home his old behaviour resurfaced and he acted vengeful and ruthless and showed me his BPD true colours yet again.

I try to get him to see the huge part his BPD played in our relationship and he will say that we "shouldn't focus on the past." He will say that we need to work to communicate our needs but that when he feels he is doing his best and I think he is not (because his actions are not showing any true effort) he says he cannot tolerate it.

Unfortunately the apology is self serving and manipulative. My ex has been in therapy on and off for years. He has taken meds. He knows what to say and do publicly (for the most part) to appear normal and functional. It is devastating that his words are so hollow and that is "love" is simply his need in disguise. His "sorry" is a sorry to himself.

[myself]

No real apologies, ever. The couple of times it seemed she did, she soon enough took it back and turned the blame on me. Why take responsibility for yourself, for hurting others, or change your ways, when the world is full of scapegoats? One reason she's gone now and not returning is because she knows what she's done and knows she'd need to apologize to many people here. The disorder helps her choose to avoid that. I feel sorry for her.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I've fallen, and I can't get up 

I recently got the longed for apology, three years after the fact my XBPDGf texts a few simple words that, at that time, seemed sincere and heartfelt.  With all due respect, she probably did feel remorse because I'm dating and getting on with my life.

This was about 6-7 weeks ago.

An exchange occurred the other day to cement in my mind that she is just as sick as I knew her to be.  Did I fall for it? Yes I did.  Was anything different? Yes they were, but not sustainable, and this relationship is no different than any other rs with a pwBPD.  I'm ashamed to say I allowed it to escalate to sex, which was always a huge issue mostly because it was non-existent.  So I guess I can say she pulled out all the stops to give it another go.  It won't work, it will never work.

On the upside, I am all too familiar with the drill, and today I embark on once again, disentangling my heart.  Won't take as much time though because I suppose I knew all along how it would turn out... .

Please anyone who is fortunate enough to get an apology?  Say thank you for that, then move along.  Save yourself!

CiF

[Pieter2]

An apology from them merely means : "I need you back". Probably because they screwed up another r/s so quickly. An apology will NEVER happen if you're in the relationship and she/he does it like normal people do: With the intention of not doing it again. That is an apology. You will NEVER get it. Sorry.

[Hopeless777]

My BPDw got arrested for DV on me after she called the police... .they arrested her. I got the 72 hour protective order. Tons of verbal abuse and throwing things the year after. No apologies ever. We even had a fight about her refusal to apologize about anything. Now its just lawyers and false accusations. Don't ever expect an apology. Don't even bother seeking one with a BPD. Walk away and stay away.

[camuse]

Unable to apolgise, and unable to forgive. Although the things to forgive me for were usually either ridiculously minor, or non existent. It's hard to apologise for something that happened only in the mind of your crazy partner. Actually a refusal to apologize would have been better. She simply did not respond when I told her how much she'd upset me.

In fact just before the final breakup, we agreed to both let the other express what had upset us, and to apologize in turn and draw a line under it.

She went first, I listened, and I apologized.

When I started speaking, she interrupted after about 3 seconds "But you... ." I said, cmon you need to hear me out. I tried again, same result. I said, you just cannot do it can you? You cannot let me finish a sentence. She said, ok I will, go on. But she couldn't. I put the phone down.

It truly was like trying to have an adult discussion with a toddler.