ennie
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« on: June 02, 2014, 10:11:36 AM » |
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Well, I think something is finally changing in enmeshed SD14's relationship with her BPD mom. The source of her newfound independence relates to a room we have been working on for her... . she shares a small room with her 10 year old sister, and we have been building a little cabin for her about 20 feet from the house.
The change was VERY subtle.
The backstory: We have just gone through a time with BPD mom where she was amazingly nice to both DH and I. I have been with dH 7 years now and she has gone back and forth between loving and hating me... . she had gone through a long spell of hating me, and aggressing against me in public in front of the kids, which would often result in SD14 trying to find ways it was my fault and being difficult for a few days with me (in general we have a very loving relationship).
Then, I had an emergency surgery and BPD mom was very nice and loving for about 6 months. Super sweet to me.
Last week, that came to an end. We were at SD10's play, and she asked me how I was, and in my answer I mentioned the new room we are working on for SD14 (she knows about it as SD14 , and BPD mom totally lost it, yelling at me that SD14 was HER daughter, I had no right to provide for her, and it was really MINE anyway, that it was not for her but just "building your empire!" and so forth. Waving fist in a threatening way. I was surprised for the first time in years, and tears came to my eyes, and I said, "Hey, enough." and walked away. This was all in front of SD14.
I was really scared SD14 would then decide to not like her room, and be making me wrong for initiating a new room for her... . using mom's words as she often does and yelling and blaming. It is really hard to have her act like mom, and she has been doing so well at being her own person!
But then she did not do that. After the performance, when we got home the first thing she did was want to see the room and how it is coming. She knows I have been doing a lot of work on it, and when she saw how far it came that day, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, "Thank you. Really. I mean it. Thank you."
Her dad asked her what had happened at the play, and she just said, "I do not want to talk about it." When she was 12, she would have launched in to how mean I am to mommy by saying something upsetting to her, how nothing "happened," mommy was fine, just talked to me in a nice way when I hurt her feelings. But this time, she was quiet until we got home. No depressed mood, no saying she needs to live with mommy, none of that. Just excitement for her own little place and gratitude for our work on it.
For the past 7 years, I have had this hope that she could eventually separate from her mom without having to hate her... . and I see that happening. She is not rebelling horribly, and right now there are no fireworks. Just an ongoing blossoming of gratitude for me and her dad, and especially for me. It is really very lovely, and I am so proud of her for doing it this way. Who knows what will come, but for now I am just amazed at her grace.
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