Wife's BPD had put me on the edge

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife and I have been together for 10 years. There was always been conflict, but since our daughter was born three years ago it has gone to extreme levels.

In the beginning of this year, I started therapy to deal with the stress she causes me and my therapist brought up BPD. I read "Eggshells" and it was like reading my life. I have been working with my therapist on how to disengage and not let my wife's behavior effect me as much. My therapist warned me that this would most likely cause my wife to escalate behavior, but it should help in the long run.

Two months ago, my wife called the police on me for canceling a credit card. She over spends and threatens to rack up charges when angry. The card was in my name, and I canceled it to prevent her from putting more money on it. She tried to have me arrested, telling the police that she couldn't even feed our kids. Once the police looked through the house etc, they realized what was going on. I also let the cop look through my texts on my phone to show him her behavior, and they saw text were she made veiled threats against our children. This got DCF involved.

Long story short, she promised DCF she would get therapy and go to marriage therapy. As soon as DCF closed the case she canceled all therapy and began escalating again. It culminated with a blow up fight last week over me visiting my parents. It ended with her assaulting me, leaving me with a black eye and bruised face. I left the house to go to the police, and she called me and convinced me not to. The next day I had therapy and the bruising immediately came up. She urged me to go to the police and call DCF which I did.

Yesterday DCF set up a meeting that included her parents. They told her and her family that they have concerns over her mental health and that her therapist said the same. The way she dismissed everything and tried to blame me makes me believe she isn't willing to work on anything, just do some therapy as window dressing to shut everyone up

I have no idea where to go now. The sane part of me says I should leave, and do what I can to get my kids. But when she is happy and things are going well, we have a great life and I love her. It is so impossibly hard. I just want everything to work out, but I am doubting that it will.

[leshonki]

My wife and I have been together for 10 years. There was always been conflict, but since our daughter was born three years ago it has gone to extreme levels.

In the beginning of this year, I started therapy to deal with the stress she causes me and my therapist brought up BPD. I read "Eggshells" and it was like reading my life. I have been working with my therapist on how to disengage and not let my wife's behavior effect me as much. My therapist warned me that this would most likely cause my wife to escalate behavior, but it should help in the long run.

Two months ago, my wife called the police on me for canceling a credit card. She over spends and threatens to rack up charges when angry. The card was in my name, and I canceled it to prevent her from putting more money on it. She tried to have me arrested, telling the police that she couldn't even feed our kids. Once the police looked through the house etc, they realized what was going on. I also let the cop look through my texts on my phone to show him her behavior, and they saw text were she made veiled threats against our children. This got DCF involved.

Long story short, she promised DCF she would get therapy and go to marriage therapy. As soon as DCF closed the case she canceled all therapy and began escalating again. It culminated with a blow up fight last week over me visiting my parents. It ended with her assaulting me, leaving me with a black eye and bruised face. I left the house to go to the police, and she called me and convinced me not to. The next day I had therapy and the bruising immediately came up. She urged me to go to the police and call DCF which I did.

Yesterday DCF set up a meeting that included her parents. They told her and her family that they have concerns over her mental health and that her therapist said the same. The way she dismissed everything and tried to blame me makes me believe she isn't willing to work on anything, just do some therapy as window dressing to shut everyone up

I have no idea where to go now. The sane part of me says I should leave, and do what I can to get my kids. But when she is happy and things are going well, we have a great life and I love her. It is so impossibly hard. I just want everything to work out, but I am doubting that it will.

[Lucky Jim]

It culminated with a blow up fight last week over me visiting my parents. It ended with her assaulting me, leaving me with a black eye and bruised face.

Hey Leshonki,  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.   Physical abuse, in my view, is unacceptable and I think you did the right thing by going to the police and/or DCF.  She went over the line.  Needless to say, physical abuse is a big red flag.     Suggest you do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and your daughter.  DV is serious stuff, so don't kid yourself.  You know what you have to do.

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

Hi leshonki,

I'd like to welcome you to the community. I'm very sorry to hear that things have escalated to the level of physical violence in your relationship. That kind of stress, and especially with a young child at home, is very difficult to deal with. I commend you for reaching out to authorities and the DCF.

Did the DCF and/or police direct you to domestic violence resources in your area? Have you heard of a safety plan?  We have a resource here that can help you better assess your situation and know what steps to take in case things escalate again: Safety First

I can understand your feelings of love for your wife and wanting things to work out. That is very normal. Reaching out to others for a more objective view of the situation is a very wise move, in my opinion. When we are in the midst of it, it can be very difficult to get a clear-eyed view of what we are truly dealing with.

How many children do you have together? I know your daughter is 3. How old is your other child(reN) and how are they coping with this recent event?

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Pinkdress88]

I can completely relate to this. I recently read Walking on Egg Shells and can relate to almost everything in that book. I have two teenage boys and trying to figure out the best way to handle my situation with my husband and is Borderline personality. I understand the position you are in.