Pregnant, Bitter & Confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

for some reason, he didn't take it all.  

You probably know why he didn't take it all, do you ?
He's leaving some stuff so at any random time he can have an excuse (again) to put his 'foot between the door' and see if you are still buying his crap. Excuse me for my language, but this sounds so familiar to me ... .I have been in a similar situation. My way of dealing was : you left stuff, this means you don't need it.
I took my car, assembled all of his stuff and drove it to a place where they could use it.

If you don't do something similar, he will keep on controlling you through this. You do deserve better than that.
If you don't want to see this man again, you will have to be more firm with him. I would strongly advise you to start thinking if it would not be better for you as well as for your child, to *not* have him in your life.
You were not married to him if I understood correctly. That means that legally the child is not his, not automatically at least. He needs to proof first that it is in fact his child. In my country this can take a while. If in your country it is the same, since BPD can be impatient, he will most likely never go that far. Do you really want your child to be subject to a dad who *might* (you know him better than me) pull it one moment and push it away the next ? According to the mood he is in ? (I get the impression that he's doing that with his own children already, or am I mistaken ?)

This is only my opinion. I was raised by a BPD mum who used to push and pull. I hated it and it was not healthy for me.

[Fie]

for some reason, he didn't take it all.  

You probably know why he didn't take it all, do you ?
He's leaving some stuff so at any random time he can have an excuse (again) to put his 'foot between the door' and see if you are still buying his crap. Excuse me for my language, but this sounds so familiar to me ... .I have been in a similar situation. My way of dealing was : you left stuff, this means you don't need it.
I took my car, assembled all of his stuff and drove it to a place where they could use it.

If you don't do something similar, he will keep on controlling you through this. You do deserve better than that.
If you don't want to see this man again, you will have to be more firm with him. I would strongly advise you to start thinking if it would not be better for you as well as for your child, to *not* have him in your life.
You were not married to him if I understood correctly. That means that legally the child is not his, not automatically at least. He needs to proof first that it is in fact his child. In my country this can take a while. If in your country it is the same, since BPD can be impatient, he will most likely never go that far. Do you really want your child to be subject to a dad who *might* (you know him better than me) pull it one moment and push it away the next ? According to the mood he is in ? (I get the impression that he's doing that with his own children already, or am I mistaken ?)

This is only my opinion. I was raised by a BPD mum who used to push and pull. I hated it and it was not healthy for me.

[dttjr4]

I agree with everyone that he's not the type of man I want in my life or my child's life.  But let's face it, what would I tell the court?  He cheated on me?  That's not grounds to keep his child away from him. 

Also, I'm 99.9% positive that he's back online on a dating website, searching for his next victim.  His profile even states that he's not looking for a relationship or any type of commitment.  Translation - he's looking for meaningless sex to fulfill whatever emptiness he's feeling or reassurance he seeks that he's desirable.  Regardless, I think it's pretty darn selfish.   I'm pregnant, sick every day and I spend my downtime researching baby products, reading reviews, creating a baby registry, looking for names, etc.  It's honestly sickening.   

[lovenature]

Hey dt

Have you looked at the co-parenting board? Many people there who may be able to guide you through the challenges you are having to face.

[Fie]

But let's face it, what would I tell the court?  He cheated on me?  That's not grounds to keep his child away from him.  

I am not saying I would try to keep my child away from him, persé.  I don't know your situation well enough for that. I would just not insist he'd take up a father role. I would try to keep away as much as possible, and f.e. answer very shortly and politely to his messages if he sent any.

I am not so sure he would insist to be in the life of your child. And if he did, maybe he'd do it just to keep his options open with *you*. It is also possible he will loose interest if he starts to notice that your messages stay short and are meant just to inform him, not to keep him on an emotional leash.
I guess now with keeping his stuff the message you are sending him is : it's ok, you are still in the running.
If you do not want that, you know what to do.


If I were you, I would not think about court too much now. Again, I am not so sure he would be willing to go that far. And if he did, he needs to proof the child is his first. I am a legal adviser, although not specialized in family law, but if I remember correctly from college, he also cannot wait for years and then turn up and claim a father role - even if he can proof he is the actual father.

Also, I'm 99.9% positive that he's back online on a dating website, searching for his next victim.  

I empathize with you very much, this must be so painful.  
After I broke up with my BPD ex, my friend psychologist (who helped me through the crappy times) told me : now it's enough. It doesn't matter anymore what he's doing. He can be on 10 dating websites, it's not your business anymore. It's time to focus on yourself.
She was right of course and somehow it helped hearing that.
Your ex can also be on 10 dating websites. Good for him.

Now about you. What can you do for yourself ? Do you have time to do something nice together with your daughter ? Does she go with you to your doctors appointments for ultrasounds and so ?
Did you put up a Christmas tree this year ?

[Clearmind]

I agree with everyone that he's not the type of man I want in my life or my child's life.  But let's face it, what would I tell the court?  He cheated on me?  That's not grounds to keep his child away from him. 

Also, I'm 99.9% positive that he's back online on a dating website, searching for his next victim.  His profile even states that he's not looking for a relationship or any type of commitment.  Translation - he's looking for meaningless sex to fulfill whatever emptiness he's feeling or reassurance he seeks that he's desirable.  Regardless, I think it's pretty darn selfish.   I'm pregnant, sick every day and I spend my downtime researching baby products, reading reviews, creating a baby registry, looking for names, etc.  It's honestly sickening.   

Never feel pressured into putting his name on the birth certificate.

Unfortunately he cannot be what you need to you or anyone. In time it will all sink in. For now look after yourself and your baby.

Do you have a support network?

[dttjr4]

Thankfully I have my daughter.  She is the reason I get up and moving when I feel like laying in bed feeling sorry for myself. 

We did put up our Christmas tree.  I'm definitely not in the holiday spirit, but will make the most of it for her. 

She has not been to any dr appts with me.  They are typically while she's in school. 

That is definitely him on the dating site.  He's bad mouthing his ex wife and me, portraying himself as the poor victim.  Of course he makes no mention that he's going to be a father again. 

[nylonsquid]

I asked if we could talk on the phone, instead of texting.  He called me. I'm not quite sure what I was looking to get out of the conversation.  We talked, no yelling, never raised our voices, etc. But I don't feel as though he's taking any responsibility for his actions - namely cheating on me.  He's never apologized or shown any remorse.  He actually told me he has no answer as to why he did it. 

He tried to focus on the things I said that bothered him, but the things he was referring to were things I said to him AFTER finding out he cheated on me. 

He says he will never be unhappy again because he spent 15 years in an unhappy marriage and he won't do it again.  Yet he also admits that he was happy, up until the last month.   I said Don't you consider the stress we had added with the pregnancy?  He said Yes, I do. 

I even asked him if he would consider going to counseling with me.  He said Absolutely not.  I said Why, not just you, us together - even if it helps improve our relationship as parents to the baby.  He said No, I went once and it's a waste of time.  I said But you didn't go with me.  He said No, I didn't.  I said Don't you think the success has to do with the actual counselor and the people involved?  He said Probably.  I said But you won't even consider it with me?  He said No, I will never ever go to counseling again.   His idea of trying counseling was going once with his ex wife, sitting there pouting thru the entire session without saying one single word, yelling at his ex wife the entire way home for bad mouthing him and then refusing to return again. 

Dear lord, this is what happened with me and my exgfwBPD. I ask questions to get to understandings but her answers were short and don't add up to sense. We tried therapy under her rules (therapist was of her choosing and he was an uncertified "psychologist" and a hypnotist that knew it all; that's his specialty ) but all I did and very carefully sit and listen but nobody really talked about the real issues. She acted so nice to me and making eye contact and holding my hand but when I was being neutral because I had to be reasonable and logical and communicate without having high emotions she, after the sessions, claimed I was really mean and cold and made her look bad. Like... what the heck... we're not trying to look good or bad there, we're trying to find understanding...

Sorry, I didn't mean to make it about me. I've been following your story and wanted to share some of mine so to relate. I find that when I'm on the other end I like listening to others' stories that sound similar so as to help me see from perhaps another angle or from a safer distance.

I feel for you. Hope you go through this in the least painful way.

[Fie]

That is definitely him on the dating site.  He's bad mouthing his ex wife and me, portraying himself as the poor victim.  Of course he makes no mention that he's going to be a father again.

Terrible what he's doing.
Try to see the positive in this. If he's on a dating website, it will probably mean he will leave you alone more. So you will have time to heal and concentrate on yourself and your nuclear family.

[dttjr4]

Thanks for the replies.  I too like to read other stories.  Sometimes it's crazy how similar they sound. 

I confronted him today about the crap he's saying on that dating site.  I told him he is making himself look pathetic and needy by trying to play the victim by bad mouthing the mother of his children.  Of course he just tried to make it sound like it shouldn't bother me if he's on there or what he's doing and he reminded me that we aren't together. 

I told him that I have no interest in being with him but it looks pretty crappy that I'm 17 weeks pregnant with his child and he's on a dating site trying to hook up.  I told him he should be focused on becoming a better role model for his FOUR children. 

Does anyone have experience or knowledge of sex addiction being part of a pwBPD?  He cheated on his ex wife several times, cheated on me, thinks nothing of having one night stands and after two years of being separated from his ex, has recently attempted to talk her into having sex with him.  And he has unprotected sex.  She told me that it doesn't matter how often he has sex, it's never enough.  She turned his messages over to her lawyer who in turn is going to address it with his lawyer because she feels he sexually harassed her - I will keep it clean and not go into details but the things he said to her were quite demeaning.   

He hasn't denied the baby to me but apparently he told his ex that he's not even sure if the baby is his and he wants paternity testing.  I said that's completely fine, I have nothing to hide or worry about, he's just looking for another excuse for his crappy behavior and the fact that he's not taking care of his responsibilities. 

Still hurts though.  I feel like a fool for falling for him and his manipulation. 

[Anez]

Hey dttjr,

i know how it feels to feel like a fool for them and their manipulation. My therapist one day said to me - "Forgive yourself. You didn't know what you were getting into. how could you?" And he is right. I didn't know what I was falling into. you didn't either. while it hurts, starting to forgive yourself can help.

sorry to hear what you're going through.

[dttjr4]

Hey dttjr,

i know how it feels to feel like a fool for them and their manipulation. My therapist one day said to me - "Forgive yourself. You didn't know what you were getting into. how could you?" And he is right. I didn't know what I was falling into. you didn't either. while it hurts, starting to forgive yourself can help.

sorry to hear what you're going through.

Thank you.  Forgiving myself is difficult.  I think about possible warning signs or red flags that perhaps I should have been more astute to. 

I'm my own worst critic.   I typically tend to be more cautious or suspicious. It typically takes me a while to let my guard down and trust someone.  With him, it was the exact opposite.  I immediately felt a connection, everything seemed so perfect, so easy.   

[Fie]

Please don't be too hard on yourself. We all did things we wish we hadn't. A lot of people on here did/do similar things as you, myself included. We are in this together.

There is one thing striking me. It seems like you are not sure if you don't want this person to be a father of your child after all.
I know how terrible it feels to find your ex on a dating website. But really, if you are sure about starting a detachment process, you will have to try to let go, step by step. I know how difficult that is. Maybe you can start with deciding for yourself what it is exactly that you want  from him. *Knowing that he won't change.*
I know you want him to be a nice, caring partner for you, who is there for you as well as for your child. However, that most probably will never happen.

Is it possible for you to maybe work this out with a therapist as well ? I recently started therapy myself, after for a very long time having thought I could figure out everything by myself. I must say it does help.

I am with you in my thoughts, and I am sure other members are too.  

[dttjr4]

Please don't be too hard on yourself. We all did things we wish we hadn't. A lot of people on here did/do similar things as you, myself included. We are in this together.

There is one thing striking me. It seems like you are not sure if you don't want this person to be a father of your child after all.
I know how terrible it feels to find your ex on a dating website. But really, if you are sure about starting a detachment process, you will have to try to let go, step by step. I know how difficult that is. Maybe you can start with deciding for yourself what it is exactly that you want  from him. *Knowing that he won't change.*
I know you want him to be a nice, caring partner for you, who is there for you as well as for your child. However, that most probably will never happen.

Is it possible for you to maybe work this out with a therapist as well ? I recently started therapy myself, after for a very long time having thought I could figure out everything by myself. I must say it does help.

I am with you in my thoughts, and I am sure other members are too.  

I admit, I've been very confused and have continued to go back and forth as to what I want from him - keep in mind, this Friday will only be 3 weeks since I found out all of this crap that he's done to me.   

I've finally come to the realization that he will NEVER be what I need him to be in regards to a partner.  I expect him to be financially responsible for this child, just as much as I am.   If he chooses to be more involved than that, that's on him - I'm not going to push that issue. 

[dttjr4]

Perhaps it's the Holidays, but I feel extremely weak today.  The weakest I've felt in almost a week.  Just when I think I'm making progress, this happens. 

Find myself today overthinking and questioning everything again.  Things I've already come to terms with.   

Ugh

[lovenature]

I typically tend to be more cautious or suspicious. It typically takes me a while to let my guard down and trust someone.  With him, it was the exact opposite.  I immediately felt a connection, everything seemed so perfect, so easy.

It was the same for me, I had no idea that a disorder was running it's course and that was why I felt so comfortable and was so open with my ex.-more open than with anyone else ever. Best to get to know someone well enough before getting too close I would say.