Why do they have to be so confusing?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok, So the last almost 2 months have been super bumpy for me.  My dBPDgf has told me she needed a break.  Then right before my birthday says it's resolved.  That she now can focus on me.  (meaning her focus on the X was over)  I then told her that's good she has come to terms but I need time to think about our relationship and how I feel about being put to the side for her to come to terms about her X.  She didn't like that at all.  We fussed she left the house and went to her brothers for the night.  The next day comes back home and acts like everything is ok. 

So yesterday she sends me a text stating that we are getting married in OCT.  I didn't answer.  I didn't know what to say.  I knew if I told her that  I am not ready right now to make that commitment because our relationship has been so unstable she would flip out and I just couldn't handle it.  The place I work was being Audited and I just couldn't get into that at the moment with her.  I asked her when I got home why the change in heart... and she explained she wants that and is tired of waiting.  When it was her that said she didn't want to marry that she loved me but wasn't in love with not even a month ago.

I just don't understand... .

[seh77]

Ok, So the last almost 2 months have been super bumpy for me.  My dBPDgf has told me she needed a break.  Then right before my birthday says it's resolved.  That she now can focus on me.  (meaning her focus on the X was over)  I then told her that's good she has come to terms but I need time to think about our relationship and how I feel about being put to the side for her to come to terms about her X.  She didn't like that at all.  We fussed she left the house and went to her brothers for the night.  The next day comes back home and acts like everything is ok. 

So yesterday she sends me a text stating that we are getting married in OCT.  I didn't answer.  I didn't know what to say.  I knew if I told her that  I am not ready right now to make that commitment because our relationship has been so unstable she would flip out and I just couldn't handle it.  The place I work was being Audited and I just couldn't get into that at the moment with her.  I asked her when I got home why the change in heart... and she explained she wants that and is tired of waiting.  When it was her that said she didn't want to marry that she loved me but wasn't in love with not even a month ago.

I just don't understand... .

[InSearchofMe]

Hi seh77,

Having read some of your other posts about what has been going on, I think this actually makes sense.

Let's review what has happened so far to see if I have it right. 

She said you were broken up.  But nothing in your day to day life changed (other than her FB status).  She still expected you to take care of her, pay for everything and just sit and wait for whatever she wanted.  You set a boundary (good for you) started living your life (spent time with child) and then broached the subject of dividing finances etc.  It was after this that she said everything is fine we're back together.  Now she is telling you that you will get married in October.  Is that the basic order of things?

If so, it looks like she is doing the same thing but just from a different direction.  This is about her dictating the terms of the relationship.  It's not about if you are together or apart or somewhere in between.  It is about her having complete control and you just doing what she says.

Does that make sense?

[seh77]

InSearchofMe,


WOW, I just read and reread your post.

Yes you hit the nail on the head.  It's like a lightbulb finally came on after a long long time.  That puts things into perspective for me.

Thank you so very much.  That actually goes with what I was thinking.  Thank yo so very much.

[Grey Kitty]

Story... . about a relative of mine... . told by his wife soon after they were married... .

What he said:

"I want you to marry me."

Her reaction:

"What the heck am I supposed to do with that? It isn't a question I can say yes or no to."

I don't remember exactly what she said, but that was what she was thinking... . and told us all later!

A marriage with any balance starts out with both parties choosing to get married. In this case, what he said was written off as nervous confusion, and joked about later. What you just got is in a different ballpark.

You were just told that you were getting married. Pardon me, but What the heck? Not only that, but told you when too! There is absolutely nothing reasonable about this sort of exchange. And doing it by text message sure doesn't make it better!


And now, you are afraid she will blow a gasket if you say anything but "Yes" even though it wasn't a question. I know from my own history that when I avoid things because I'm afraid of the reaction I'll get, I'm not happy with the path that sends me down.

You already said you don't want to get married right now, or even deal with the question now... . what do you want?

[InSearchofMe]

Glad I could be of help.  So it sounds like you are now in the position of needing to set another boundary on the marriage topic and trying to figure out how to do that.  Is that right?

[Perdita]

WOW!  Telling you that you are getting married in October?  This after she wasn't interested in marriage before. I agree with InSearchOfMe, this is totally a control thing.  I don't know what the best way is to handle it although not giving in to her telling you that you will marry her in October is the obvious thing to do.  Just don't know the best way for you to stand up to her.  I sense that you will be made out to be the bad guy no matter what.

[seh77]

Perdita,

You hit the nail on the head.  I will be the bad guy.  She hasn't said a word since that one day.  I am planning on talking to her this weekend while we are both home and not at work. 

I am just tired of the game.  She is controlling but anytime I mention that she twists things around.  She is VERY intelligent and manipulative.  So she is very defensive and emotional.  I tell her how I feel... . the same that she has also voiced and she will act like it's the end of the world. 

So now I am trying to untangle myself from the web and clear my head.  It's time for ME to be ME again and not her puppet on a string so to speak.

[willtimeheal]

Seh 77

Your story sounds like the first four years of my relationship with my BPD. She called all the shots and most importantly I was afraid to respond for fear of setting her off. Here is something my therapist told me... . if you are thinking things (for example you are not ready to get married) and not saying them out loud... . there is a serious problem there. You are  filling all of her needs and not taking care of your needs or yourself. You need to say how you feel even if she goes crazy and you need to set boundaries. You need to take care of yourself and do what is right for you. It's.not selfish it is necessary to live a happy healthy productive life. Set boundaries and if you are thinking it... . say it. That is your right!

[mitchell16]

your story sounds just like mine. almost identical. Mine trained me from teh start not to have any needs or wants. If I asked or gave an opion I was to demanding, controlling, needy she also said she didnt want to get married at first. later when she decided that we she could get married I was suppsoed to job all over and do it. This was after about 1o or so break ups. at that point no way was I going to marry her. But it was all about controll with her, she decided when we broke up, got back togther, when we argue and about what and when we should stop, she controlled everything until I got fed up. once she lost conrol of me thats when she got deperate, the around the clock calling, insultsing texts.driving to my house, threats.

so its all about controll. I bet if you agreed to get married if shes like mine she will cause some sort of problem right before just to call it off. I think mine just wanted to be reassured that i wanted to. which would confirm she was the best. Ha

[seh77]

It really is a control thing with her.  This weekend she made the comment that she didn't like me going to work early.  I had previously explained that I do at times because I like getting off earlier in the afternoon and it also gives me the opportunity for some Over Time.  But she didn't like it because I missed time with my family... . UMMM in the mornings we hardly speak to each other as we get ready.  I told her that I am sorry she felt that way.  I don't get to go in early all of the time so I didn't see why it's an issue.  She then got mad at me.  Said she would go eat lunch alone.  She then got ready and "looked" for her keys.  Guess what she couldn't find them.  Then she stomped around and said fine I just want go.  I told her come one lets go eat.  We get to the resteraunt and guess what... . She said my keys were in my purse the whole time.  I was proud of myself and I didn't react to that comment.  I just said I figured as much and continued eating.

It just scared me because she did that flawlessly.  She would be a wonderful actor.  Seems she can pull the wool over anyone's eyes. 

That just gives me even more to think about.

[seh77]

I almost forgot to add.  This past Tuesday was my birthday. Not one thing happened.  I was told happy bday and that was it.  We ate leftovers.  She then purchased minor league baseball  tickets for me, her and her daughter with no thought of my Son.  She says its for my bday.  It was with HER friends and I paid for everything that night.  She didn't even mention anything about my Bday.  She sat with her friends and I ended up sitting behind her!  She was way to wrapped up with being the center of attention to even bother with me.    Oh except for the T-shirt she got for herself.     Really ?  This is my first birthday without my Dad who passed away this past Feb. and my mom passed away when I was 13.  So I really felt ALONE.  My x had my son that day so I didn't even have him.  He did call me and sing Happy Birthday to me though

[christoff522]

Ok, So the last almost 2 months have been super bumpy for me.  My dBPDgf has told me she needed a break.  Then right before my birthday says it's resolved.  That she now can focus on me.  (meaning her focus on the X was over)  I then told her that's good she has come to terms but I need time to think about our relationship and how I feel about being put to the side for her to come to terms about her X.  She didn't like that at all.  We fussed she left the house and went to her brothers for the night.  The next day comes back home and acts like everything is ok. 

So yesterday she sends me a text stating that we are getting married in OCT.  I didn't answer.  I didn't know what to say.  I knew if I told her that  I am not ready right now to make that commitment because our relationship has been so unstable she would flip out and I just couldn't handle it.  The place I work was being Audited and I just couldn't get into that at the moment with her.  I asked her when I got home why the change in heart... and she explained she wants that and is tired of waiting.  When it was her that said she didn't want to marry that she loved me but wasn't in love with not even a month ago.

I just don't understand... .

You need to be very careful here, a BPD 'feels' and to her that means thats what she wants. The moment you two have an argument, a disagreement... anything that makes her feel any sort of negativity towards you - that wedding will be off.

You ever seen two teenage girls who are bestest friends in the whole world, "I love you don't know what I'd do without you" - then a week later they hate each other and have two new best friends whom are their "world. Thats the mentality you're dealing with here. Notice she said she 'wants it', and is 'tired of waiting' - thats not exactly the sort of foundation that means you two should spend your entire lives together - til death do you part.

I'm not going to recommend marriage, its the stupidest idea there is - you cannot stand before God and pledge your life to someone when you know they're going to leave one day. It's the surest thing there is - you will not be together in your old age.

[Perdita]

Seh77, sorry you didn't have a good birthday.  That was just plain inconsiderate and cold of her.  It doesn't matter that she has BPD, they still know right from wrong and that was wrong.

[seh77]

So the drama continues.  I am currently saving back what money I can to find a place of my own.  I can't contiue down the road with her.  The lies, manipulation and CONTROL are way to much for me to handle.

She is always mad at me about something.  I am done with it.   :'(   :'(

[enlighten me]

I hate to say it but it sounds like she likes the financial stability you supply but isn't into the relationship.

My ex wife recycled me and I later found out from her friend that she said she only did it to screw me for every penny she could get.

My advice would be to get out as quickly as you can. I don't like to give that advice but it rings so many alarm bells to me. It actually made me cringe reading it.

[wishfulthinking]

seh77... .oh the birthday... .Mine was early June.  2 years in a row (the 2 I've known and been with my BPD/NPDh) have been ruined.  Last year, he was fighting with his ex so that had to come back at me.  This year, the present he ordered was backordered and wouldn't come till a few days later.  NOW, mind you... .I'm not high maintenance AT ALL.  I was totally fine with that and actually would have been fine with no present.  Take me to dinner and I'm good. Instead, I was at work and very busy that day as I was backup for my boss who was out of town so doing my job and hers.  He decides because I can't answer his every text on his timetable, that I obviously don't love him and and am cheating on him.  I finally told him to STOP it because I'm busy and not to text me anymore. After work, he was off and on ok.  We went to my favorite mexican restaurant, which is very good, but I should have chosen his favorite because he picked at his food and then picked at every answer I gave him to every question he asked me that night. By the time we left, I was in tears.  He told me I was ruining my birthday.  I told him he already had ruined it.  He raged at me in the car while people outside the restaurant stared.  He threatened to jump out of the car, even opened the door on the way home.  I pulled over and waited for him to gather himself, but told him I wasn't dealing with this.  I love him but it's not acceptable.  We got home and I got to hear how crappy the food was and he hated the restaurant and I was selfish and how loving he was being just trying to ask me questions to get to know me more and on and on about how the evening was all my fault it went bad.  He yelled at me outside for half an hour, which the neighbors got a show, but at least I wasn't trappede inside.  It was horrible and I told him next year, my birthday doesn't exist.

[Grey Kitty]

I am currently saving back what money I can to find a place of my own.  I can't contiue down the road with her.

I found that the willingness to leave freed me up considerably to stop putting up with BS--If you are ready to go, what could she do besides deciding to leave herself?

 What can you do (besides your exit plan) to better take care of yourself until you are 'ready' to go?

Do you have any friends and/or family that would help you (financially) in your transition?

[willtimeheal]

I almost forgot to add.  This past Tuesday was my birthday. Not one thing happened.  I was told happy bday and that was it.  We ate leftovers.  She then purchased minor league baseball  tickets for me, her and her daughter with no thought of my Son.  She says its for my bday.  It was with HER friends and I paid for everything that night.  She didn't even mention anything about my Bday.  She sat with her friends and I ended up sitting behind her!  She was way to wrapped up with being the center of attention to even bother with me.    Oh except for the T-shirt she got for herself.     Really ?  This is my first birthday without my Dad who passed away this past Feb. and my mom passed away when I was 13.  So I really felt ALONE.  My x had my son that day so I didn't even have him.  He did call me and sing Happy Birthday to me though

On my birthday mine got me a card and a lecture on how broke she was. Don't worry she had enough money for smokes and beer for herself though. I have noticed pwBPD always take care of themselves. Mine tries to be there for me but I do believe she is not capable of it. It always comes back to her and her needs. It always will.

[christoff522]

seh77... .oh the birthday... .Mine was early June.  2 years in a row (the 2 I've known and been with my BPD/NPDh) have been ruined.  Last year, he was fighting with his ex so that had to come back at me.  This year, the present he ordered was backordered and wouldn't come till a few days later.  NOW, mind you... .I'm not high maintenance AT ALL.  I was totally fine with that and actually would have been fine with no present.  Take me to dinner and I'm good. Instead, I was at work and very busy that day as I was backup for my boss who was out of town so doing my job and hers.  He decides because I can't answer his every text on his timetable, that I obviously don't love him and and am cheating on him.  I finally told him to STOP it because I'm busy and not to text me anymore. After work, he was off and on ok.  We went to my favorite mexican restaurant, which is very good, but I should have chosen his favorite because he picked at his food and then picked at every answer I gave him to every question he asked me that night. By the time we left, I was in tears.  He told me I was ruining my birthday.  I told him he already had ruined it.  He raged at me in the car while people outside the restaurant stared.  He threatened to jump out of the car, even opened the door on the way home.  I pulled over and waited for him to gather himself, but told him I wasn't dealing with this.  I love him but it's not acceptable.  We got home and I got to hear how crappy the food was and he hated the restaurant and I was selfish and how loving he was being just trying to ask me questions to get to know me more and on and on about how the evening was all my fault it went bad.  He yelled at me outside for half an hour, which the neighbors got a show, but at least I wasn't trappede inside.  It was horrible and I told him next year, my birthday doesn't exist.

Honestly, reading that - What a disgusting human being he is. Tbh reading stuff like this makes me feel all the better that she won't even text me - I'm so glad I avoided all that s**t. Stupid people they are, stupid! Never even realise what they had.