The Other Shoe Has Dropped

[anncgrl]

I have been on the BPD chat before... .several years ago. I hoping to understand my daughter-in-law who seemed to be a classic BPD. She and my son are divorced now and they have a 7 year old son. There has been an incredibly difficult roller coaster ride of emotions between my son and my grandson's mother with both adults getting into intense screaming matches, name calling and blaming. Over a period of time I learned not to reply to my daughter-in-law when her messages were clearly full of anger and her comments were irrational. I did reply when she left cogent, friendly messages that had to do with making arrangements for my grandson to come over, etc. In this past year through some miracle or extraordinary effort on her part she has made a radical change in her behavior. We are now able to talk comfortably together and have even become friends. I think she said the doctor gave her something to take when she feels anxiety growing in her and the medication takes the edge off the anxiety thereby averting the rages, paranoia, etc. She also says she is exhausted with fighting with my son, wants a different life and is committed to living in an attitude of love and respect. Time has passed and this pattern persists which is a huge relief to me. BUT my son does not let that impact him. He is an angry 38 year old man, a victim in every situation, all the BPD symptoms fit him but most significant are the lack of empathy, extreme mood swings, self-destructive, addictive and narcisstic behaviors. I have thought for years that these traits would improve as he got older. I blamed myself because he had a tumultous childhood due to choices I made during those years. I have not been able to accept what I can see so clearly now. I don't want to accept what I see. It hurts me and frightens me but recent events have forced me out of denial.

My son does not like to live alone. He has had a series of girlfriends who find out after a short time with him that the sweet, tender fellow with the sad stories of the dirty hand he has been dealt in life has another side to him that is angry, blaming, insecure, irrational and cruel. They are always shocked and inevitably come to me to try to gain some understanding of what they encounter. Normally he ends the relationship or allows it to end when he starts seeing someone else.

He adores his son. He is extremely protective and emotional about him. I live across the street and have had full access to my grandson and have, much of the time, been an active part in assisting my son with transportation, emotional support, all the grandmother stuff and more because my son was living alone after the divorce. The acrimony between my son and his ex was extremely volatile. My grandson has seen and heard stuff no child should hear. Yet he is a lovely child with a great personality. He spends most Saturday nights with me and usually goes to church with me. He has a schedule established in court by his two parents and we follow that most of the time. His mother is happy with the arrangement and things have been smoother for awhile.

Except... .my son talks some pretty bad talk about my grandson's mother in my grandson's presence. When the arguing was loud and crazy my grandson easily got the impression that his mother was the problem. Looking back it was definitely both my son and her but I couldn't see how much a part he played in the relationship as it was at the time. I had very negative feelings about my grandson's mother also. My grandson has suffered through intense drama most of his 7 years with many good times also.

Living near my son I began to notice patterns that fit neatly into the BPD definitions. I never knew who I was going to be picking up or driving somewhere. My son does not have his license. No money for a car and the device required by the state due to a previous dui... .about 10 years ago. There were days when it seemed even breathing upset my son, any comment made was misinterpreted and making an effort to explain what I meant made things worse. There have been long conversations with my son the victim of the universe. None of his choices were a problem. The world was after him. Then  a short amount of time would pass and all that would melt away and this really neat guy would show up, plan a vision for his life and "see" with a clearer mind. He was fun, relaxed and loving at those times. He and my grandson would ride bikes, take long walks and enjoy each other. Then the mood would flip back... .usually triggered by some small event that my son thought was a negative about him, or lack of money, or a sense of lonliness and the cycle would start again.

Recently he met a girl he knew in day care and up through high school. She, in short order, left her husband and her four kids and moved in with my son. She said she had loved him all her life, that her husband was abusive in the extreme, that she had several college degrees and could get work easily... .information flowed from her. I know today that most of it is either a gross exaggeration or an outright lie. She is intensely manipulative and my son is drawn to her like a moth to the flame. The story is only about 6 months long but has involved 2 miscarriages, attempted suicide, my son starting to drink again, police out to the house at least 10 times at this point, her carrying stories about my son all over the neighborhood, creating chaos at every turn, encouraging my grandson to absolutely love the ground she walks on and... .you get the picture. I started to notice that when she would have a conversation with me I would get a phone call from my son asking me what I had done to hurt her feelings. I would have no clue as the conversation seemed fine but by the time she got to my son I had hurt her in some way. My son's anger began to build towards me. Other ways of what I had come to accept as "normal" daily life began changing. My son accused me of coming into his house and going through his stuff. Looking back over the past few months his anger and resentment level has been increasing towards me at a rapid pace. They were driving my car so they would have transportation for my grandson. I helped pay their rent a couple of times, electric a couple of times, etc. I am not going into more detail about all of that other than to say that neither one of them seemed to have an appreciation of the sacrifice I was making for them to use my car and, as it turns out, she does not have her license either.

Recently she flipped about something and was going to leave my son. Things got pretty nasty. He yelled in her face for a on gtime, my grandson was at my house and could see all going on, she took a handful of pills, my son and I went to the magistrate to learn how to get her to leave the premises and he asked her to leave, much drama between the two of them, crazy talk, lies flying in the air, her family came and got her. She trashed his place up. He was through with her and was going to get back to a normal life and three days  later she moved back in with him. At that point  things changed radically. They stay inside all the time except when my son goes to work. My son distanced himself from me and began blaming me for his life and how it has turned out. They, as a couple, have filled my grandson's head with b.s. about his mom and, I am sure, about me. In the past week my son called me and went off about his childhood, the tough love I had to practice, what a lousy mother I am and how I have never done anything for him and I made a comment that made him angry and he told me I have lost the right to see my grandson and I have lost him as a son. I don't recognize this man but now I can piece things together and see that the signs were there for a long, long time. The lack of empathy, the victim role and the anger but this time he has someone who seems to fit him perfectly in that respect and I have become their target. I have no idea what to do or how to behave. My daughter-in-law and I are deeply concerned about their son being in that environment and even saying those words makes me think I am crazy because none of this makes any sense to me. It is gravely out of control and DSS has become involved to a degree. After all is said and done my overriding concern is for my grandson's mental health in all of this change. I have no idea how to handle this extreme behavior, the ptsd I suffer from has been triggered by my son's yelling and intense anger and his girlfriend's eerie quiet behind the scenes manipulating. I think I am involved with two high functioning BPD's and I am out of my league as I have not encountered this kind of animosity from my son before. Animosity and irrational accusations, yes. But this kind of escalation of the symptoms... .no. I need to work on how I can live my life safely and without constant fear. I have many quesitons. I have read the book Walking on Eggshells and from that reading I have decided that I am, at this point, involved with two people who are dangerous for me. Maybe even with potential physical harm. My son threatened me with a restraining order which hurts and he cannot do because I have not done anything at all other than in his mind. I need to stay in reality about this as my mind keeps rejecting the fact that things are like this between me and my son and I am shocked at how quickly it happened. So... .that is my story... .a small part. I am so glad this group is here for people like me. Thank you for reading all this post.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello anncgrl,



We are so very glad that you found us and are telling us some of your story.  I'm so very sorry that you are dealing with all of these difficult relationships and that your grandson is being exposed to so much chaos and inconsistency.  It is difficult to watch and even more difficult to know what to do.

I'm not sure that I understand the custody orders for your grandson.  Is it shared custody with his Mom?  Is so, how often is he with your son?

Have you been able to better understand your son and his live in girlfriend through studying the disorder and how it manifests in thinking errors and maladaptive behaviors?   

There is much help for you here through education, skills learning and support.

I believe that your situation can improve with the use of some effective communication skills such as validation.  Here is a link to a video that will help you understand how validation can help.

Validation: Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family,  Fruzzetti

We also have a workshop to help you learn and practice validation:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

I hope this is the beginning of much meaningful and positive change for you and your family.  I look forward to learning more about you and how to best support you on this journey.

lbjnltx

[anncgrl]

Thank you for the response. My son and his ex have shared custody and there is a clause in the paperwork that I will have my grandson for sleepovers on Saturday nights with exceptions based on the plans of one of the parents. This clause is in the agreement at the insistence of my son who believed at the time that is ex might try to stop my grandson from coming on Saturday nights. Now it is my son saying I cannot have any contact with my grandson and my son's ex who is all about me having time with him. She has made some remarkable recovery from her past reactions and decisions. Thank goodness or I would be surrounded by three people who were operating from some crazy place inside themselves.

My grandson spends half the week with his father and half with his mother although she allows the sleepovers with me and my grandson going to church with me on Sunday.

There are many complexities in all of this interaction. I have no idea how I ended up being the arch enemy of my son. We have worked as a team for a long time when it comes to my grandson and suddenly my son borders on being vicious with me.

I will look at the resources you suggest and I grateful to have this forum to join. God bless you!

[qcarolr]

I need to work on how I can live my life safely and without constant fear. I have many quesitons. I have read the book Walking on Eggshells and from that reading I have decided that I am, at this point, involved with two people who are dangerous for me. Maybe even with potential physical harm. My son threatened me with a restraining order which hurts and he cannot do because I have not done anything at all other than in his mind. I need to stay in reality about this as my mind keeps rejecting the fact that things are like this between me and my son and I am shocked at how quickly it happened.

It is so very confusing and painful with all the changes in your relationship with your son. Taking care of yourself is a good path to focus on. And enjoying your gs when he is with you.

The other book that helped me to understand there is a better way to communicate with my BPDDD27 is "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better", Lundberg.

The other resources here that have helped me are about putting boundaries into place that protect my core values. Here is a link to "Boundaries - Living our values"

My DD also cycles. She is lower functioning partly due to a severe learning disability. It is so hard for me too when she is enmeshed in a relationship that seems to encourage her worst behaviors. She also cannot tolerate being alone. Staying in our home without one of her friends is also considered 'being alone'. She does not seem to accept or understand how traumatic her angry and threatening behaviors are to my gd8. Gd has always lived with my dh and I, and we have had full custody since she was a baby. DD blames me for all that is wrong in her life, including the damage to her relationship with her daughter.

Do you have a trusted friend or counselor to give you support, perhaps in your faith family? This has helped me so much, as well as the support here to tell my story to others that know what I am feeling.

Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.

qcr

[anncgrl]

yes, I have a sponsor in AA and I spend time at least once a week with my pastor's wife. We met today and talked about all sorts of things. Finally we settled on a devotional she brought with her and it really talked to both of us. I am a Christian and I forget who is in charge and how much He loves me. I also resist letting go because I want to stay angry for some reason but not really... .if that makes sense and I have a therapist that I have been seeing for years. We have cut way back on visits but recent events prompted me to call her so I will see her on Friday. I find the value of mentors and close friends to be beyond measure. Thank you for sharing about your home situation. Many people ask me how I cope with my son an then with my husband who has severe depression and with my 85 year old mother who is in great shape for her age but depends on spending time with me. Often she provides the escape I need just by being there and watching our favorite shows together. I listended to the video on validating today. VERY insightful. I had an awakening and realized that I often devaluate others even when I am trying to make things better for them. I am nto a bad person but my communication skills need some fixing. One day on this site and I already know that about myself.

Gotta go to the pharmacy and the grocery. I feel like I have come home being on this chat site again. TTYL

[Rapt Reader]

I listended to the video on validating today. VERY insightful. I had an awakening and realized that I often devaluate others even when I am trying to make things better for them. I am nto a bad person but my communication skills need some fixing. One day on this site and I already know that about myself.

And therefore you are now one step closer to the light at the end of the tunnel! 

anncgrl, I found the same thing after watching the Videos, and reading the Articles, Workshops and Lessons on this site... .I had the biggest shock realizing that all the things I was saying and doing for my son (and even in other familial relationships) was the wrong! way to deal with him and live my life. It was like the window opening in my mind letting the fresh air and sunshine in! It's wonderful you were willing to be open-minded about this, and are learning what you need, so quickly. Since the only person we can change is ourselves, it's good to be willing to do that. And, once we make those changes, the people we love tend to change the way they react to us... .and then things are able to get better... .

[qcarolr]

One thing that comes to ming reading over this thread. I was too open at first in my excitement to share all the new things I was learning, and that were working when I applied them. Some did not get it - 'counseled' me to use a tougher 'tough love' stance (that is so invalidating and does not work), criticized me... .It was very hurtful. Practicing the Radical Acceptance skills really helped me with this. And building a support network that was more understanding.

And be kind to yourself. It is a lot to take in all at once. Do-over's are OK - I call it repairing the relationship. And I practiced everything first on easier r/s - co-workers, dh, gd8... .

qcr