two months after the break-up and still going insane

[Depression = 72% of members]

never heard the term BPD in my life (I'm 55) until the therapist we were seeing and I still am informed me that the love of my life had it. She informed her on her first visit that she couldn't help her, she doesn't take on borderline clients refers them out, I wasn't told this until last week on my sixth session with her. Now I'm more confused then ever because after reading about this I believe or I'm trying to convince myself that I could have made the relationship work if I would have been better informed. I can go back over a year and more clearly see every issue we had with such better understanding ! But the break up ended quite badly. I had "kicked her to the curb" four previous times and this last time I wanted to put myself in a corner so I did things that I can't forgive myself for and broke her trust for good. First thing I did was inform her ex about things that had happened. There are two children involved , both hers, son 8 daughter 10. When I first met her she only had supervised visits within two months of living with me we had the kids five days a week, her ex still talks to me nearly daily and thanks me for what I tried to do. The kids are on a path of destruction and it tears me apart. The last day we were together, the kids and I, the boy said he couldn't wait until I was his step-dad and the girl told me she loved me as much as her father, I havn't seen them since that day ! I wake up every day thinking about her, last night I was looking at tracking devices just to see what is going on in her life. She also worked for me the entire time we were together at my shop. I even tried to hire her back as she was excellent in the office and I can't find a decent replacement. Her jobs since she left have been a $100 per hour exhibisionist at a late night tattoo parlor, and is now cleaning houses in the nude and sexual exchanges for two or three of her past men and referrals. It tears me up seeing her slowly going backwards, she was once a crackwhore ! How do I quit constantly thinking of her and dreaming of ways to get her back. I have convinced myself that now that I have been more informed that the relationship would work, but the things I did to her I don't believe can ever be forgiven, again I betrayed her trust, I threw out a huge box of her life long pictures, her 24 yo son called me the other day and reamed me out, and I turned her , her mothers and her daughters phones off with no warning,mostly her fault as I tried to tell her about this and also about getting the last of her belongings out of the house but she would jsut start screaming at me and wuldn't let me speak. I need help and one hour a week with the therapist isn't helping much, thank you

[overtheborder]

never heard the term BPD in my life (I'm 55) until the therapist we were seeing and I still am informed me that the love of my life had it. She informed her on her first visit that she couldn't help her, she doesn't take on borderline clients refers them out, I wasn't told this until last week on my sixth session with her. Now I'm more confused then ever because after reading about this I believe or I'm trying to convince myself that I could have made the relationship work if I would have been better informed. I can go back over a year and more clearly see every issue we had with such better understanding ! But the break up ended quite badly. I had "kicked her to the curb" four previous times and this last time I wanted to put myself in a corner so I did things that I can't forgive myself for and broke her trust for good. First thing I did was inform her ex about things that had happened. There are two children involved , both hers, son 8 daughter 10. When I first met her she only had supervised visits within two months of living with me we had the kids five days a week, her ex still talks to me nearly daily and thanks me for what I tried to do. The kids are on a path of destruction and it tears me apart. The last day we were together, the kids and I, the boy said he couldn't wait until I was his step-dad and the girl told me she loved me as much as her father, I havn't seen them since that day ! I wake up every day thinking about her, last night I was looking at tracking devices just to see what is going on in her life. She also worked for me the entire time we were together at my shop. I even tried to hire her back as she was excellent in the office and I can't find a decent replacement. Her jobs since she left have been a $100 per hour exhibisionist at a late night tattoo parlor, and is now cleaning houses in the nude and sexual exchanges for two or three of her past men and referrals. It tears me up seeing her slowly going backwards, she was once a crackwhore ! How do I quit constantly thinking of her and dreaming of ways to get her back. I have convinced myself that now that I have been more informed that the relationship would work, but the things I did to her I don't believe can ever be forgiven, again I betrayed her trust, I threw out a huge box of her life long pictures, her 24 yo son called me the other day and reamed me out, and I turned her , her mothers and her daughters phones off with no warning,mostly her fault as I tried to tell her about this and also about getting the last of her belongings out of the house but she would jsut start screaming at me and wuldn't let me speak. I need help and one hour a week with the therapist isn't helping much, thank you

[Rayban]

Hey OTB,

Sorry to hear your having a difficult time. I could relate in the sense that once I figured out what I was dealing with and equipped with my knew found knowledge of BPD, I went back thinking I could handle things differently ... .this time around.

It didn't work well. Infact it just made things worse . It developed into a pattern that always began with the question ... .MAYBE IF?. As in maybe if I try harder, maybe if I act differently, maybe if I'm more compassionate? ?

Didn't change a thing. If T's refer BPD's to specialists there is a reason.  A normal guy with good intentions is no match for an un treated BPD partner.

[Mutt]

Hi overtheborder,



I'm sorry to hear that. A r/s break-up with a pwBPD can leave feeling deep loss and attachment as well. I can relate with how difficult it is when we're attached to step kids, you raise them like your own, there can a lot of collatoral damage. I had a step daughter that it would be too long to post here with everything that she went through post break-up. I get it. If you look at the Kubler Ross model, the 5 stages of grieving where do you see yourself?



The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[overtheborder]

Hey OTB,

Sorry to hear your having a difficult time. I could relate in the sense that once I figured out what I was dealing with and equipped with my knew found knowledge of BPD, I went back thinking I could handle things differently ... .this time around.

It didn't work well. Infact it just made things worse . It developed into a pattern that always began with the question ... .MAYBE IF?. As in maybe if I try harder, maybe if I act differently, maybe if I'm more compassionate? ?

Didn't change a thing. If T's refer BPD's to specialists there is a reason.  A normal guy with good intentions is no match for an un treated BPD partner.

[overtheborder]

To rayban, so you did go back and try again just to see the same thing ?

To Mutt, I believe I'm through the bargaining (toself) stage and am quite depressed.

[Mutt]

I know it's a lot of pain right after the break-up, the first few weeks after a break-up is really difficult, there's a bio-chemical change in our brains that is associate with pain and cravings, similar to a long time drug user going through withdrawals. What if I had done X then I could have saved the r/s? I think that you're in the bargaining stage. That being said.

I threw out a huge box of her life long pictures, her 24 yo son called me the other day and reamed me out, and I turned her , her mothers and her daughters phones off with no warning,mostly her fault as I tried to tell her about this and also about getting the last of her belongings out of the house but she would jsut start screaming at me and wuldn't let me speak.

It sounds like her son is trying to rescue his mom, it makes sense, he's loyal to his mom, is there a lot of conflict with her right now? Your thread title, two months after the break-up and still going insane, suggests emotional distress ( I know that said you that her phone is cut off ) is she calling you from another phone, texting, emailing? Is she threatening you?