Rage, silent treatment and boy am I confused

[HurtinNW]

Hello all

Advice if I did anything wrong?

Okay, so last night my BPD boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and making plans for today. I suggest a drive into the mountains. Boyfriend starts telling me about how he and one of his exes he went cross country skiing in the mountains. Now, this seemed peculiar to me, because in four years he has refused to participate in anything even remotely athletic or outdoorsy with me and my kids. He once sat in a hotel room for a week while we all played in a pool, claiming he hates that stuff, even though when we met he often talked about how excited he would be to play with us. In fact he is still pissed about that vacation because in his mind we had unfair expectations of him.  

I immediately suspected boyfriend is telling me about his ex precisely to make me feel devalued and hurt. He's poking me, and if I respond, I figure he'll say I am being irrational and jealous. I got quiet, trying to figure out what to do. He says, "Let me guess what you are thinking," and he says, "You're thinking I have been a stick in the mud with you and your kids, how come I would go skiing with her?" I said yes, that is what I am thinking, and sure enough, he starts raging. He starts yelling on the phone how I am getting angry about something that happened ten years ago that doesn't matter, how sick and tired he is of how irrational I am, how I am crazy, etc. He is literally raging in my ear.

Here's where I think I made a mistake. I should have ended the call. Instead I asked him why is he in a relationship with someone he thinks is crazy? "I shouldn't be!" he screamed, and hung up on me.

Since then he has given me the silent treatment. Obviously we didn't get together today. This is one of the ways he recycles. He will probably give me the silent treatment for at least a few days. He has gone as long as three months. Once he blocked me on his phone and email for a few months. I recently set a boundary about this, which he is violating.

I am really at a loss here. I looked at my calendar today and realized pretty much every single day lately we have talked he has gotten angry, frustrated, or explosive with me. I have tracked this over time, and he cannot go a week without a rage. When we tried to live together he cursed, slammed doors, screamed and hurled vile abuse. A few times he got physical. In our recent effort at therapy I felt like he minimized the entire time.

My role in this is when we talk I fall into a lot of JADE and wanting reassurance. When he is raging I become desperate to change his mind. I know this is not healthy for me. I play right into the role of being desperate, fearful, emotional and needy. Setting boundaries has been helpful.  

I veer within myself on a daily basis about this relationship. There are so many times I wish I could afford to take time off work and take my kids and just travel for six months, to do anything to detach from this.

I've been reading and following a lot of the advice here. The problem is I feel I am working overtime on these tactics and while they are mitigating somewhat, he is simply finding new ways for his behaviors and justifying them. I do not know if I can radically accept this person... .not because of his illness but because it means accepting his scorn and lack of love for me. It breaks my heart.

[babyducks]

Hi HurtinNW,

Raging is not acceptable.  I would suggest a boundary.   A simple 'I need to stop this conversation now.  I will talk to you again later.'  and then exit the conversation   

It sounds as if there is still a lot of emotional reactivity between you, a lot of heighten tensions and charged feelings.   

Here is my guess at why he told you about the skiing trip to the mountains, its not about you (it will almost never be about you) it's about him boosting himself up, for once he is an expert on some outdoor thing.   Here he is with his BPD shame and sense of being inadequate expressing that he is experienced in all things cross country and mountains and Yay him and what a great thing he did and... .

You were having a different conversation,  you heard it as a put down and as a comparison and Bang, he felt invalidated after he shared with you a Very Important Story in His Life.  and off to the races he went.

I am not saying you did anything wrong.  I am only trying to point out you guys were talking about two entirely different things.

How are you doing with validation?

'ducks

[HurtinNW]

Good point. We do have a ton of reactivity between us, a lot of hurt feelings and super charged atmosphere. It is really hard to change that dynamic.

Validation: I am sucking at it when I feel triggered. I am really good at it when I am regulated/best self. When I am in a good place I feel I do an awesome job. But then I get anxious or reactive myself. And it goes out the window.

Clearly I need to work on getting me to a good place more often. Taking care of me. That is a hard thing to do for me.

You are right, we were having two different conversations. I do also suspect some part of him knows how to test. It may not be about me, but he makes it about me. That is hard for me to deal with.

[babyducks]

Hi HurtinNW

The hardest thing for me to deal with, still, is when my partner starts to project her negative feelings onto me, in a way that attacks my fragile self esteem.   for a long time we were deadlocked in a pattern of negative recriminations.   Her need to off load her negative emotions, blameshifting, and the constant back and forth about it's not my fault it's your fault absolutely wrecked havoc with me.   It landed all over my family of origin issues and left me reeling.

what was hard for me for a long time was her understanding of me, a mean angry person who couldn't communicate, rattled my own view of myself.   perhaps it shouldn't have been able to do that but it did. I think I actually had the same conversation with my partner as you did with your boyfriend,  if I am such a rotten person why do you want to be in a relationship with me.   what I got back was 'I could ask you the same'.    it is like a chess match sometimes.

if I remember your story correctly there has been a lot of turmoil and upheaval between you two.  It's going to take a long time to recover from that if it is even possible.  for what its worth it took my partner and I about a year to take most of the tension out of the relationship.   we went very slowly until we both felt comfortable.   

he may well indeed be testing.   this may be an extinction burst.   it is a very good idea to take a careful inventory like it talks about in lesson 5 in the box to the right.

'ducks

[HurtinNW]

Hi HurtinNW

The hardest thing for me to deal with, still, is when my partner starts to project her negative feelings onto me, in a way that attacks my fragile self esteem.   for a long time we were deadlocked in a pattern of negative recriminations.   Her need to off load her negative emotions, blameshifting, and the constant back and forth about it's not my fault it's your fault absolutely wrecked havoc with me.   It landed all over my family of origin issues and left me reeling.

what was hard for me for a long time was her understanding of me, a mean angry person who couldn't communicate, rattled my own view of myself.   perhaps it shouldn't have been able to do that but it did. I think I actually had the same conversation with my partner as you did with your boyfriend,  if I am such a rotten person why do you want to be in a relationship with me.   what I got back was 'I could ask you the same'.    it is like a chess match sometimes.

if I remember your story correctly there has been a lot of turmoil and upheaval between you two.  It's going to take a long time to recover from that if it is even possible.  for what its worth it took my partner and I about a year to take most of the tension out of the relationship.   we went very slowly until we both felt comfortable.   

he may well indeed be testing.   this may be an extinction burst.   it is a very good idea to take a careful inventory like it talks about in lesson 5 in the box to the right.

'ducks

Thank you. That is exactly right. His need to blame hits my history issues right in the emotional solar plexus. His shame keeps him from being able to deal with accountability. Hence it is all my fault.

I've been taking inventory. I want to say how much you (and others here!) are helping. Last night I realized I was the one falling apart in another phone call. We have both amplified the conflict to the point where we are easily triggered. I am realizing the role I am playing. I have to let go of my resentments too.

The good news is we both calmed down. He has his strong suits. One strength is he likes to feel he is an expert. And he does truly care about me. So I gave him my copy of The High Conflict Couple. He has been reading it. I think he believes he is helping me. He sees me as overly sensitive. Actually there is truth in that. But the point is he has buy in and is trying to practice some of the skills.

We had a really nice day today. I visited him and we made love, talked, connected. It was very lovely and felt balanced.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hurtin',

You wrote a good description of what it's like to be in a BPD r/s:

I looked at my calendar today and realized pretty much every single day lately we have talked he has gotten angry, frustrated, or explosive with me. I have tracked this over time, and he cannot go a week without a rage. When we tried to live together he cursed, slammed doors, screamed and hurled vile abuse. A few times he got physical.

I'm glad you had a nice day with him today, which is something to be grateful for.  On the other hand, you must know that the pendulum will swing the other way.  It's a roller coaster ride, I'm afraid.  I thought that I would reach a place of stability in my 16-year marriage to my BPDxW, but it didn't play out that way.  If anything, it got more turbulent as time went on.  So, I guess what I'm suggesting is that you have to be realistic about the limitations of a BPD r/s.  And make sure you are keeping firm boundaries and treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve.

LuckyJim