One big win after alot of setbacks

[Moselle]

Last thursday, I surprised my BPD/NPD soon-to-be-ex wife.

I don't think she expected me to turn up and defend the bogus interim protection order she obtained after moving to a new city with my children in April.

Well, I was very prepared and she wasn't. Her lawyer tried to cut a deal/ postpone. I told her, we are here to see a magistrate about this and it will be heard today.

So they withdrew their interim order, and I had my children for the weekend, for the first time since April.

It was bliss!:-) They only calmed down after two days, but I'm in again. Huge relief all round. Her Brother in Law tried to be a hero on sunday bumping into me and getting all threatening. What is it with these people?, the whole family is bonkers.

The battle continues, as only a battle can with a BPD/NPD spouse.

[ForeverDad]

Isn't it a relief when standing firm works?  Being passive and appeasing sure doesn't, not when the take, take, take won't stop.

You were right to say you wanted to see the magistrate.  They surely realized their allegations were weak or nonexistent.  You also probably figured that you'd get a better outcome from the court than from the oppositional stbEx.

That reminds me of my Trial Day.  My separation and divorce case had taken two years and only then on Trial Day was my stbEx willing to settle.  I said, "I'll agree to shared parenting and equal time but I will be Residential Parent for School Purposes - or we go in and start the trial."  I held firm, despite both lawyers protesting it meant nothing and stbEx tearfully begging.  I felt that was my Boundary and figured the magistrate would make a better decision than what she wanted.  I became RP.

[maxen]

  

[livednlearned]

It's good that you were heard, and the PO was unfounded.

Does this mean you get to see the kids on a regular schedule? April to August is a long time  :'( I'm glad the kids were happy to see you. It does seem like it can take a day or so for kids to get used to things after re-entry. Transitions are hard, and these transitions can be particularly challenging.

How are the kids doing?

What happens next?

[Moselle]

Thanks folks. I appreciate the responses. What happens next? She begged me to attend the same church last Sunday.  So I did. She got all difficult on the day and her brother in law walked up to me as if to shake hands and then pushed my hand into my stomach and got in my face bumping me with his chest. All this whilst i'm holding the hand of my 12 year old. I said very calmly "take a swing my friend, because i'll headbutt you into next week". He walked off saying "you're not worth it"

I'll  not be attending there again and I'm raising a peace order against him to prevent him from contacting me or speaking to any of the children.

The divorce battle continues.  A retarded ( or heavily inebriated) judge awarded her a ridiculous interim maintenance  claim. I'm busy.with contesting that.  In the meantime she is pushing for settlement  or course with her as primary care giver and a silly maintenance demand. Basically to support her lifestyle and a full time maid, to look after the children while she swan's around  in my luxury SUV.  No, no and No.

Fortunately that judge awarded me every other weekend with the girls, so yes after the PO was wihdrawn, I see them every two.weeks. I live 600  km away but I'll drive through every two weeks to see them.

The eldest 14, is very angry but asked me to move to their city. BTW while I was away on business in April. BPD/NPD wife packed up the house kids and dogs in my car and trailer and moved to her family 1200km  away. That's when she filed the protection order. I immediately filed with social serivices to do an investigation. But it dragged on until last week's order was withdrawn.

The 12 year old has unfortunately been coopted as her caretaker. She never wants to leave W alone in case she gets lonely! I'm very concerned about her.

The 6 year old seems her normal jovial self.

My objective here is to condition W to.realise that she will.be met with overwhelming force every time she tries a silly trick. And that if I want something like visitation, will move heaven and earth to get it. Eventually she will realise it's pointless  to resist

[Moselle]

Oh, and I also want 100% custody

[Moselle]

Isn't it a relief when standing firm works?  Being passive and appeasing sure doesn't, not when the take, take, take won't stop.

You were right to say you wanted to see the magistrate.  They surely realized their allegations were weak

It was a big day because finally the system has caught up with her nonsense. And yes, standing firm after 15 years of becoming her pushover felt fantastic ☺ Its empowering.

[sweetheart]

Good luck with all of it Moselle, for you and your children. 

[maxen]

She begged me to attend the same church last Sunday.  So I did. She got all difficult on the day and her brother in law walked up to me as if to shake hands and then pushed my hand into my stomach and got in my face bumping me with his chest. All this whilst i'm holding the hand of my 12 year old. I said very calmly "take a swing my friend, because i'll headbutt you into next week". He walked off saying "you're not worth it"

i got agitated just reading that.

BTW while I was away on business in April. BPD/NPD wife packed up the house kids and dogs in my car and trailer and moved to her family 1200km  away.

right, my exw pulled unilateral moves like this. when they happened i just tried to deal with the reality of the situation. i'm a pretty irenic guy, i didn't make an issue out of what was done. but now that i look back at the whole pattern i admit that i get rages about her entitlement and what it did to my life.

my heart breaks for people in custody contests. you seem to be doing heroically and yes, it's a good feeling when resisting pays off.

why is your 14 y.o. angry? 

[Moselle]

why is your 14 y.o. angry?  

She gets into a rage and  can't speak  only shout. It's hard to see her exhibit he same.traits as her mom! She's had her for 14 years.

I try to tell her anger is OK to feel. I give her some time to calm down or take some time out and then she calms down. I'm not sure how to help her. She can't express what the anger is about.

She opened up about feeling isolated at school. That she feels like people dont like her.

I spent 18 months on BPD family trying to save my marriage. I didn't realise that the SET and other skills would be used with my children. At least I am aware.

[ForeverDad]

Eventually she will realise it's pointless to resist

You can't count on even that much.  Maybe it will happen, but these acting-out disorders can be so very intractable.

I'm not the only one who faced protection orders and multiple allegations, after some blocking I started out with alternate weekends.  I thought the courts would quickly figure it out and quickly reverse things.  Sadly, no.  The various systems are locked into many default procedures and policies.  Too, many are reluctant to make drastic changes, preferring to make baby step improvements.

My separation started out with my then-spouse facing a Threat of DV charge.  Yet family court made a temp order assigning her temporary custody and majority time.  I had 22% time, alternate weekends and 3 hours in between.  The mutual protection orders and temp order eventually were dismissed.  My ex then blocked all father-son contact.  I had no choice but to file for divorce.  The magistrate, fully aware of the 3 months of blocking, made a new temp order, same as the last.  Within a year the court's own parenting investigator recommended I get equal time and also a custody evaluation.  Court ignored the parenting change and ordered CE as the next step.  The CE report summarized, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lose temporary custody... ."  The judge did not change the order but moved to settlement conference as the next step.  The separation and divorce took two years.  I walked out with Shared Parenting and equal time.  As predicted, it didn't work and I went back and became Legal Guardian.  Still issues and so I went back and got majority time during the school year.

Eight years in and out of court with baby step improvements to reach an order that finally has worked.  Going in my son was 3 years old, conflict finally reduced when he was nearly 12 years old.  Only now, from an established position of authority, can I afford to be nice without risk of sabotage and conflict.  There are still problems, my ex still gets triggered and flares up from time to time, but it is finally manageable.

If you are at the beginning of the separation or divorce... .My experience was like others, it is hard to get a temp order improved.  And our divorce cases usually take a year or two and sometimes longer. Then there is the real risk that a temp order will morph relatively unchanged into the final decree.  For those reasons, do try to get the best order, temporary and subsequent, that you can from the very start.  (And then keep working to improve your orders.)

Every case is a little, or a lot, different... .  Your priority is yourself and your children.

It is your parenting that is the priority.  Whether your ex figures out that false allegations, obstruction or sabotage is pointless really is a side issue that may or may not happen.

[Moselle]

You can't count on even that much.  Maybe it will happen, but these acting-out disorders can be so very intractable.

It is your parenting that is the priority.  Whether your ex figures out that false allegations, obstruction or sabotage is pointless really is a side issue that may or may not happen.

Thanks ForeverDad. I realise that I'm not in control of what she does . My response will be the same every time. I have a fantastic lawyer who is very experienced in these things. We'll take it one step at a time.

On a different note. I am drawing up a settlement agreement this weekend. Do you have any tips on what are the key issues from a co-parenting with a BPD point to view that I should include?

I also realise, that she will likely break the agreement as soon as its signed, but at least it will be on paper.

[maxen]

She can't express what the anger is about.

i'm sorry!  :'(

is there a counselor at school she can talk to?

[livednlearned]

I am drawing up a settlement agreement this weekend. Do you have any tips on what are the key issues from a co-parenting with a BPD point to view that I should include?

We have a lesson on Family Law about parenting plan: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.msg1331890#msg1331890

There's a link to a "tool" about what to include in a custody or parenting plan that might be useful.

We also have a lesson on Coparenting about common coparenting issues (related to parenting plans): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331365#msg1331365

You understand the importance of showing up and having assertive boundaries, and aren't likely to sabotage yourself, a common thing many people do early in the divorce process. And you have a lawyer you trust. These are among the most important strategic things you could have going into this. And it definitely doesn't hurt to have this board. I regret not finding bpdfamily until after I began my divorce proceedings. Things really turned around for me when I learned from others who had experienced the same things.

[formflier]

 

Is there anyway in the settlement for her to "undo" the unilateral move?  Or... .make her pay half of the travel expenses to shuttle kids back and forth?

If I remember right... .you are not in the US.

FF

[Moselle]

Yes, that's a brilliant idea. I will definitely insist that she pay for half in the agreement.

Thanks FF

We live in South Africa

[chefbruce]

Moselle,

Being in situation where I'm in a losing quest for overnights with my son, I can tell you that I had a huge smile for you that you were able to

spend a weekend with your kids.

It's a terrible system.

Really happy for you.

[Moselle]

Thanks chefbruce!

Keep fighting. Nothing will stand in the way of a dad who wants to be a dad. There is justice in life. With BPD it just takes a bit longer ☺

[formflier]

 

Moselle,

How is life?  Been a while since we chatted.

What is the status of your case and your ability to be with your kids.

FF

[Moselle]

Hi FF,

I get to the children approximately every 2nd weekend. She has them riled up however and they start acting up, when I have a weekend with them. Trying to cancel etc :-( It's rough, and its a fight as are most things in a BPD world.

Financially she got a very favourable interim judgement, and it puts pressure on me. I'm fighting that too.

It's a strange thing. I can hardly imagine my life with her any more. It's like it was a dream, a bad one LOL