Quarterly statements

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The uBPDw stbx asked for quarterly statements from my accounts over the duration of the marriage. I'm 99% sure I'm just going to send them. She thinks "we" have a certain amount, but it's really about 3/4 pre-marital, and 1/4 marital.

Our state is "equitable distro" and three L's have told me that basically I get the 3/4 back, we split the 1/4 between us, and then any support gets added.

Anyone see red flags?

No rush, as the docs aren't on my phone, so she's not getting them in the next 24 hours anyway.

Anyone have an ex learn that they weren't getting what they thought they were?

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

The uBPDw stbx asked for quarterly statements from my accounts over the duration of the marriage. I'm 99% sure I'm just going to send them. She thinks "we" have a certain amount, but it's really about 3/4 pre-marital, and 1/4 marital.

Our state is "equitable distro" and three L's have told me that basically I get the 3/4 back, we split the 1/4 between us, and then any support gets added.

Anyone see red flags?

No rush, as the docs aren't on my phone, so she's not getting them in the next 24 hours anyway.

Anyone have an ex learn that they weren't getting what they thought they were?

Gomez

[GaGrl]

Rather than providing the statements first, while she may be under a wrong understanding, why don't you transparently email her a message saying, " The current balances are $X. This amount was premarital, and this amount we need to discuss in mediation."

That way, you're not with her when she blows. If she has been thinking she'll walk away with half of it all after 3 years, mediation might not work.

[livednlearned]

The uBPDw stbx asked for quarterly statements from my accounts over the duration of the marriage.

My L counseled me to let N/BPDx get his own copies of accounts, that I was not his secretary, etc.

But every starting point is different. You and your ex are at least behaving as though there is some degree of cooperation.

I like Gagrl's suggestion that you just tell her the amounts, and if she wants to get copies, tell her you will bring them to mediation.

[maxen]

The uBPDw stbx asked for quarterly statements from my accounts over the duration of the marriage.

from your accounts? that's part of divorce negotiation. i'd take into account what Gagrl and l'n'l have said.

Anyone have an ex learn that they weren't getting what they thought they were?

and she was not happy. i learned in the statement of net worth that my wife - who had been employed 25 years straight, had earned more than i had every year of the marriage and before too, up to 90K in our last year together - had $3,200 in the bank. she learned that i had ... .more, in part because my mother had died in the meantime. her reaction? "there are events co-incident with his mother's transfer of accounts that would suggest that the money was left to us and not to him." (which was rubbish.) so she was trying to hornswoggle away half the money a 101 year old woman had worked her life to accumulate, not so much for me as to make sure she'd not want in her old age. that's how she reacted.

[ForeverDad]

A standard infomercial about inheritances... .If you have any inherited money it should never be placed in a joint account and merged with marital money or used to pay off marital obligations such as loans or mortgages, etc.  Once diluted, you may not be able to claim it isn't marital assets.

[whirlpoollife]

I would not give her your quarterly statements. They are for your  L and you.

If you give them to her now , she and her L can use it to benefit themselves.  You should keep them or print them out so you can show the L  the paper trail that they are individual premarital accounts.

Any increase in value, if they are investments ,  though, on those accounts does become marital property. 

Once you file for divorce, have a record of what is in all accounts on that date.  So if there are interogerities later you have a date to use. 

I had inheritance that xh thought he was going to get at least half, ( and all of it if I stayed married to him). he did not get any of that but he did receive money from my family's business though... .equitable state.  Wish I could of fought that but it would cost the same in attorneys and court fees and then letting a judge decide .

Because he did not get what he expected , his rumor is he tells whoever listens, my financial matters and that I paid everyone off to get my way. 

[Panda39]

I would not give her your quarterly statements. They are for your  L and you.

I'm with whirlpoollife.

I'm a cautious (somewhat suspicious type  ) person I would not provide her with anything until you have a lawyer that has instructed you to do so.  I know you want to be "reasonable" but you really need to be watching out for number one not accidentally providing her with potential ammunition.

[livednlearned]

It seems like many people with BPD use stonewalling to great effect. And stonewalling seems to be a normal part of the legal process, so you won't look any different than many divorcing couples if you don't share the quarterly accounts with her. In fact, I got the distinct impression in court that lawyers and judges think people are just being smart when they protect themselves. I went back into the marital home while N/BPDx was at work and removed half of everything we owned. I had all of our official documents, and other than a few legal things like transferring car titles, removed my ex's leverage in roughly 4 hours. What did the court do? Nothing. In fact, it was my L who told me "I can't advise you to do this, but I can tell you that many clients do this and there are no negative consequences." She also told me to transfer half of everything to my account the day I left so I didn't have to depend on ex to do the right thing. My L called it an "advance" on the equitable distribution.

There were zero consequences for this. I think the court recognizes it has limited authority to help you with your things, which it doesn't really care about anyway. So there is almost a degree of support if you protect yourself.

And many people with BPD also seem to expect that you will do their bidding, running around collecting information that they, if they weren't in victim mode, could easily obtain themselves. The hard part for us is that we're accustomed to walking on eggshells, trying to minimize the rages and whatnot.

All you're trying to do is accomplish what's fair, so don't feel guilty if you have to duck and weave to get a reasonable outcome. The courts will tolerate it and seem to almost expect it.

[maxen]

And many people with BPD also seem to expect that you will do their bidding, running around collecting information that they, if they weren't in victim mode, could easily obtain themselves.

yyyyyup

[catnap]

I would not give her your quarterly statements. They are for your  L and you.

I'm with whirlpoollife.

I'm a cautious (somewhat suspicious type  ) person I would not provide her with anything until you have a lawyer that has instructed you to do so.  I know you want to be "reasonable" but you really need to be watching out for number one not accidentally providing her with potential ammunition.

I am going to jump on this bandwagon also.  Check with your L about sending her copies.  

[gomez_addams]

WOW: she has an out of state financial advisor. The rules in that state are worse for her. The gain on pre-marital assets are mine in that state. Here the gains on pre-marital assets are joint property.

I'll check with the L.

Either way, it's not going to hurt me badly. It's something I could accept and move on.

There's a chance I might be able to get her to move back home sooner than expected, but she's unpredictable.

I'll post updates.

Gomez