New Member w/Adult Daughter

[Beleaguered]

Hello all, and thank you for being here!  I have never reached out before, but am so glad there is a group who may be able to help me, and maybe I can even help others!

I haven't learned all the abbreviations yet, so please forgive me for now.

My 44 y/o daughter (DD?) was diagnosed with BPD when she was 17, just under the wire for us to get psychological testing for her and be allowed to know the results.  Before that was a 7-year siege with frightening and baffling behavior, and since then 26 years of more.  True to most descriptions, many of her symptoms have diminished over time, such as the rages and violence, but many remain and flourish.  I am completely worn down by her at a vulnerable time in my own life. 

A major thread throughout, and now becoming "cemented" in her mind, is her propensity to re-assign her symptomatology to me.  Instantaneously, breathtakingly, and lastingly.  In other words, there is nothing wrong with her, and her mother is the true "borderline," (Interestingly I have never called her that, because her therapist back when she was a teenager warned me to not ever reveal her diagnosis because it would be so traumatizing, so she has come across this diagnosis in some other way - through a past boyfriend I believe). 

My daughter is able to flip her rage switch in a nano-second and accuse me of what SHE is actually feeling and thinking, and then harangue me for hours, days, and years on end, and blame me for creating such anguish in her.  She can literally recount taunts she has made to me seconds earlier and demand that I confess it was I who said that.  It's scary and demoralizing.

It sounds like her current therapist has bought into all this hook, line and sinker, and now they want me to see a nurse therapist of my own, someone recommended by her LCSW, so that I can work on my issues with my daughter there.  Her therapist says she doesn't want to "contaminate" her therapy by inviting me in or even speaking to me, but instead we should make a fresh appointment with this person she knows so that my daughter can come along and present her story of lifelong emotional abuse (including what she says were my rages, violence, "projection," etc. - All hers!), to validate her and help her heal.   And her therapist and "mine" (not exactly - just that I'll be paying for it) will be communicating about all this with a signed release from my daughter. 

I'm so demoralized and fragile feeling.  If my husband were alive he would forbid this, but he died three years ago and there is no one left but me and my daughter.  But at least I'd have his hand to hold when she "goes off" and accuses me of all that she hates most in herself.  I had one person who could see what was going on even if he was helpless to stop it.  At least I didn't feel like I was losing my mind when she would shriek at me and call me "the borderline" and accuse me of something she herself had just done or said. She gets so incensed when I say, but that was you!  You just said that yourself, or you're the one who broke furniture, or hit me!  I'm sure her therapist thinks I'm a toxic monster for heaping all this abuse on a little girl, and it's all a yarn spun by someone who truly believes it's me not her.

Wonder if anyone else is dealing with projection as a symptom.  Also, her therapist has told her that I "gaslight" her.  I had to look that up, and it turns out it means driving someone crazy by denying your own nefarious behavior.  Watching someone suffer while heaping on more abuse and denying that's it's happening.  For my daughter's sake they want to get to the bottom of it with the outside therapist confronting me and then validating it for my daughter. 

I've made the appointment.  My daughter says I am like ":)r. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," and fully expects me to go in denying and "acting all sweet and innocent."  She says her therapist tells her this is necessary, however painful, to have her "truth" validated once and for all.

I have no fight in me.  In fact, even in the past my participation consisted of ducking and covering and praying for the episodes to pass.  I'm thinking of capitulating and just confessing "all," just to give her what her therapist says she needs, lying -- basically -- to hopefully make this lifetime nightmare end. 

Thank you all for listening. 

So sorry, I haven't even read the rules yet about signing on and signing out.  My member name is "Beleaguered" and I'm a 66 y/o widow with DD, and a grown stepdaughter and stepson who are only peripherally aware of my daughter's/my problems. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NorthernGirl]

Hello Beleaguered  and welcome 

I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed by all that is going on. It seems as though you as seeing many BPD traits -- projection, splitting, etc. I'm glad you found our site as we have some support and resources that can help you.

Have you spoken to your DD's therapist at all, or is this all coming from her? What would happen if you didn't go?

I suggest you go to our Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board. You'll find some great resources there, plus members who can provide you with ideas and support. You may also want to read about some of the behaviors you're seeing: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection and BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria. Even though this may feel as though it is an attack from your daughter, it may be her response to feelings that are coming up in her, and have very little to do with you.

Please keep posting. We're here for you.

[lever.]

Oh beleaguered _I SO feel for you!

Projection is one very difficult aspect of BPD and can cause you to question your own sanity. I really do hope that you will join us on the parents board (click on the link above which NorthernGirl has given you).

You will find a lot of understanding there. Other people have had experience of a therapist completely buying in to an adult child's version of events.

Bear in mind though that you only have your daughter's account of what the therapist is saying.

Do you really want to see the other therapist with your daughter? Would there be any possibility of you meeting her on your own first.

It is quite common for your daughter's first therapist not to want to see you as she is dealing with your daughter's perceptions. It matters less to her what the truth is than how your daughter sees things and reacts.

Have you any good friends or other family members to support you?

My husband doesn't always handle things ideally but when my DD starts twisting things and projecting on to me he helps me hang on to reality-you must miss your husband's support greatly 

The good news though is that there is a lot of support available here in this virtual family. Please join us on the parent's board-I will look out for you there.