Figuring out the puzzle and putting them together

[figtree33]

My oldest daughter is very likely BPD. This is really difficult to understand and I am struggling with personal blame. She has never been abused by me in any way. I have four daughters total, and none of my other three have ANY of the same issues/symptoms/problems that my oldest has. She has always been a "goody two shoes" on the surface with others, but has struggled significantly with honesty and impulsive choices. She was diagnosed with ADD when she was 7, but it has been treated and managed for the most part. He dad and I were in college when I had her, and not together when she was born. He has never wanted much involvement and I was lucky to get CS from him. However despite this, his extended family has been supportive, and he eventually came around, but has never been "involved". I remarried when she was 2 1/2 and (here's the kicker) my ex has NPD/BPD- pretty high functioning, we were married for 11 years and had a very messy divorce. You would assume that this is where the possible influence came in, however again, my other three daughters that I share with him, do not have these traits, and because we work very hard on understanding healthy boundaries and always have, they accept their dad for who he is and know it's not them causing his behavior. My oldest daughter did not like him after our divorce, and he tried to play mind games with her. So I made sure there was no contact with them.  Over the last 18 months she has spiraled out of control. She was doing ok for quite a while after my divorce until shortly after turning 16. Grades started slipping, She started having major issues with friends, she was threatening and bullying other girls at school just because a boy she liked would talk to them. Because of her behavior, I did not allow her to get her license until she could prove she was responsible enough and could be trusted. I gave her multiple opportunities and she set out to work around or fail every one of them. She started being extremely rude to some of my good friends who she really looked up to, and was very mean to their kids. She also started acting out towards her sisters which she used to be inseparable with.  It got to the point that without her license, she decided to hop in my car and go for a joy ride. We drove in just behind her when she was backing out with her friends in the car with her. To this day she has lied and made up the most ridiculous excuses and lies about what she was doing that day, and will not take responsibility. After this she started trying to sneak out for boys and was busted. Over last summer it was so bad with the friend problems she was causing, I had her go to her dads in MO for the summer and stay there. Hoping they would connect more and she would get some distance. She came back at the end of the summer more arrogant and rebellious. We tried to let her "start over" with some things instead of carrying all of the baggage forward, but it didn't work. She decided she was going to move out when she turned 17 and live with one of her friends (no plan, was just going to go). We caught her on social media spouting off about it and she told her sisters. She then came to me and started a huge explosive confrontation, and I told her I had had enough, if she was going to leave it was not with my permission, but that if she was doing it, it needed to be now. She left, typically when she does this she doesn't leave, but she did this time. She also refused to come home. I was able to contact her dad in MO and see what he wanted to do. He didn't want her at first, but agreed to take her. My daughter refused to go, she was going to stay with her friends. She failed all of her finals. So I had her dad come up and we packed her things, and made her go to MO. In this time, her dad has not respected his role as sharing in parenting, nor has he helped the situation. Before she left, she was in counseling and the school was working with her as well. Her dad does not believe in mental health or counseling. They are very small town, and the school only has 10 kids in her class. She gets A LOT of attention because she is the big city girl who is way more advanced and ahead of the kids there, in everything. The school is not the best. I've come to accept her being there, but now she is engaging with my ex who is very unhealthy for her. In addition to this, she has completely cut me off. Her dad is not helpful and will not encourage her to be in contact either. She has been telling people crazy made up stories of how badly she was abused by me and all the "issues" I have. This is quite the opposite. It's really upset the family that she has done this and continues to be in contact with my ex with the problems he causes. It's also caused a lot of issues for my other girls and they do not want anything to do with her. For a while after going to her dads she was starting to come around and apologize. She was recognizing her behavior, and was asking to come home. Now she suddenly has been encouraged to believe that I am evil and crazy and is telling my family (cousins, uncles, aunts) unreal lies about how she was neglected by me. Spoiled, yes- neglected, no. This has now caused a major riff with my family and I, as they are now blaming me and starting to buy in to her crazy stories. There is no way for me to defend myself, and they don't get the problems and how sick she is.

And although there is an influence from my ex for bad behavior and entitlement, it was mostly towards me and not the kids. I'm starting to feel personally responsible for causing her to be BPD. I really feel like it was simply a genetic predisposition that would have surfaced regardless, but everything I know about NPD and BPD is that it is trauma/neglect related. She's never had any significant experiences. The therapist couldn't even figure it out. The school counselor said she has a story/script she is intent on play out at any cost to make me the villian no matter what I do to help. They stated she was very disconnected from her actions and reality when she talked about them. It was always someone elses fault.

What do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Welcome Figtree---like you I have a daughter with BPD (she is 27 now, but the real trouble with her began at about 15 or 16 years old), she never had a trauma, neglect, and lived in a loving, intact family her whole life.  My sons are not BPD and are very successful in their jobs and marriages.  My daughter has lied, stolen, told horrible stories about us, done so many things that are disgusting that I won't even mention here.  I don't know the reason why she is the way she is, and I no longer spend precious energy trying to figure that out.  What I do know is this site has been a miracle for me.  The support I have received and the skills I have gained have been invaluable to me and my daughter is doing so much better.  You notice the word "I" in my statements, it wasn't until I made changes in me and my behavior that my daughter began to make changes in hers. She is doing amazingly well, so there is hope. I hope you find this site and the tools and lessons on the right hand side of this page to be helpful to you, as they were to me.  Please keep coming back and telling us more of your story.

[tristesse]

Hi figtree33 and Welcome to bpdfamily.

let me start by telling you how sorry I am that you are having this experience. I know and understand the hurt and anger that you are feeling.

Parental feelings of guilt and blame are quite normal as we begin our own journey of healing. We have all wondered at times, what did I do wrong? how did I raise this child to be like  this? etc. It is not your fault, you did not cause this illness.

I am going to suggest that you look at the Tools and Lessons that are listed to the rights ide of this board, take your time and learn them, practice them in your everyday life and dealings with everybody. The more you practice the better you get and the easier it becomes to deal with a BPD loved one.

I have a story of great pain and heartache over my own daughter and her BPD. She is 31 and finally getting better. This board was an integral part of the change. I learned better ways to communicate with her,  and she in turn learned a better to cope. The point is, it started with me, I was always the target of the rage, so I was always in defense mode, once I learned better ways to handle the rages and communicate, she was able to follow suit.

Take it one step and one day at a time. Stop back here for advice, everybody on this board can relate in some way. I wish you well.